Bouncing Baby!

My baby was bouncing all over the place at the doctor appointment yesterday! It was very sweet to watch and she/he also had one arm up near his/her head - which is exactly how my husband sleeps, so he is tickled pink that his baby is already taking after daddy!

I LOVE my new doctor! He is totally wonderful and I did not pull any punches with him either. I told him that I wanted a partner in this process and not a dictator. I did not need someone taking over and telling me how it is going to be.

I told him that I wanted a labor and birth with as little intervention as possible, I wanted to be able to move around and use a birthing ball or birthing stool if I wanted to. I wanted to have lower lighting and to bring this baby into the world is softly and calmly as possible. He was totally OK with everything that I said.

He is the father of 10 (yes TEN) kids!! The oldest is 17 and the youngest is 18 months! They were all born naturally and without a lot of medical intervention! I was really impressed and happy that he was so eager to make us a team in this process!

Today...

Today we see the new doctor and hear that our baby is totally fine and doing great!

Today is the day I have to drive almost to my house, where the new doctor's office is located and then drive all the way back to work for a late meeting that will probably have nothing to do with me.

Today is the day that I have to work late after making plans to meet with my study group at 5:00. It may not be a big deal since two of the others have already canceled. There may only be two people there and I may be late or not able to make it at all either.

Today is the day I can see my brother. I look forward to these visits because I get to see him and talk to him and make sure that he is OK. I feel closer to him since I have been visiting him, but I am afraid that once he is out we will go back to being strangers. I really hope that we can get closer and become better friends, but I am worried that we are too different. I am a fairly boring person, I work and live without much drama. David needs more adventure and maybe even danger in his life. I just hope he has a little room for his plain vanilla sister!

Today is the last full day that I will be working on this project. I enjoy the process of this 4 times a year event, and I cringe at the idea of going back to the whole customer service thing full time starting next week. I hate it so much and I am looking so forward to going part time when the baby gets here. I really hope that this working from home thing happens soon, if so, I might be able to deal better with the whole hating my job thing. I hate being condescended to in every way. Instead of trusting us to do our jobs, we are constantly monitored and every possible "mistake" is pointed out. Everyone in that department is an adult (at the moment, that may change when people are hired for peak), and we all know how to do our jobs - I just hate it.

Today is going to be full of ups and downs I guess...

Slackers

am really mad about something that happened at school last night. Every class there are certain people who try to negotiate the syllabus with the instructor. They want to have work removed so they “can concentrate on the big project” or whatever the excuse is. Sometimes they are successful and sometimes not. It has always bothered me – we are MBA students, paying for the degree, paying for the chance to learn. We should not be acting like high school kids trying to get something for nothing.

Last night, they started again. This course is 7 weeks long, we have 5 workshops left. There are 2 individual papers (one of which was turned in last night) and two team assignments. They don’t want to do the second individual assignment. Well, I have already done my second individual assignment; I don’t want that work to be for nothing! Anyway the instructor said that she would consider removing that assignment, but that would mean that the 15% of your grade that this assignment would have been worth would be applied to another assignment. I was the only one in the class who voiced concerns.

This means that you have a larger chance of ending up with a poor grade as the grades are now not spread out over as much area. I told them that I did not agree, but I would not hold up the entire group if everyone else agreed. So, now that 15% is added to the huge final team project; now instead of being worth 20% of the final grade it is worth 35%. If this project is a total bust, then you are basically going to get a bad grade for the whole course.

Now, perhaps I would not be so upset about this, if I had not spent 3 hours yesterday proofing and correcting a section of our smaller team project. The two ladies who started the rally for getting rid of the assignment sent me their section of the smaller team project and it was a god awful mess. One chick does not even know how to change it in Word so that you have double spacing, so she just hit enter twice at the end of each line!!!! How is she a director at her company and how has she gotten through 2 years of this MBA program without knowing this most basic of concepts???? Don’t even get me started on the formatting for the APA standard that we are using (and have been using for the last 2 years of this program).

They are the ones going “this will be great, we always do great on our team stuff” I wonder if they would be singing the same tune if I had sent back their corrections before class. Probably – they just want to get out of the work.

Do they go to their bosses and say “you know this project you gave me to do? Well, it’s a lot of work, how about I don’t do some of it?”

Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest!

12 WEEKS!

We did it! We made it to that crucial 12 week mark, when the chance of miscarriage drops to less than 1%! I am very proud of my little peanut who, by the way, is about 2 1/2 inches long now! She is getting so big!!

I still have miscarriage fears that loom every now and again, like I am not really pregnant, my brain is just fooling me. Or the baby died, but I have not felt any symptoms and when we go to the doctor this week, they can't find anything. I guess that some of these feelings are normal. There is also this crazy part of my brain that thinks that if I can imagine it then it can't happen in real life how I imagined it. So, if I imagine all the bad stuff, then none of that bad stuff can really happen. I know, I'm nuts!

I talked to my soon-to-be-ex OB last night, she called to check on me because I canceled my appointment with her office. It was so nice of her to worry about me and to take the time to call and check on me, that I feel badly about ditching her for another doctor. Not badly enough to not switch, but still...

I did not sleep well last night and yesterday evening was one of the worst in a while. I am really, really not looking forward to going to class tonight and having to be up late. I hope that she lets us out at 9 or so, that way I can get to bed by 10 and will not be quite as miserable tomorrow. Although, on a bright note, one of my classmates e-mailed to let me know that in about 10 hours we will be able to count the remaining nights of class on one hand. I smile pretty big when I think of that!!

OK, so I have this little guilty pleasure. I like to watch General Hospital. I have been watching it most of my life and these people are like friends, not just characters. Anyway, there are two chicks on there right now that are pregnant. They are about 1 and 2 months ahead of me respectively. Anyway, one of them was in a car accident and her baby died. She actually watched the heart monitor show a slower and slower beat until nothing. She had to sit there and watch her baby die and there wasn't anything she could do about it. The chick is a total witch who only got pregnant to trap someone and possibly save her own life, but it was really hard to watch her losing her baby. She had just realized that she loved the baby and he was not just a weapon anymore and then she had to watch him die. I cried and cried - there was not much pleasure in my guilty pleasure yesterday.

I hate hearing about people losing their children. Three of the posts I have read today are about dead or dying children. I want to bury my head in the sand until my baby is here and safe and healthy. I know it is selfish of me not to want to care about the pain of others, but I just can't honestly think about losing this baby now, not in a real context. I am so sorry for the loss others are having to learn to live with and I pray that no one else ever feels like they feel, but I can't read about them and I can't think too much about them. It is just too scary.

Dad

I was inspired by Becky's post on her father to discuss my father in more detail.

My dad grew up in the coal mining town of Beckley West Virginia. His father worked in the coal mines and spent most of his off time drinking his paycheck away. My grandmother struggled to keep enough food on the table and often failed. She worked odd jobs whenever possible, but work was not always easy to come by and having four small children at home did not help her ability to hold down a job.

They had to move a lot, every time they were out of rent money. My grandparents fought horribly over the lack of money and divorced in the late 1960's.

My dad grew up watching his mother struggle and himself going hungry so his brothers and sister wouldn't. He spent his childhood wondering why his dad did not love them enough to provide for them.

My dad grew up and married my mother, when they discovered that I was coming along, he quit his job at Sears and entered the police academy. He knew that a police officer would have a stable career that would give them enough (barely) to live on while allowing my mom to stay home with me.

Once he was trained and an established officer he began taking these security jobs, standing at the entrance of a jewelry store for hours and hours making sure that nothing bad happened, or directing mall traffic during the Christmas rush.

I grew up with a loving and devoted mom who made homemade donuts and took us to the pool every day in the summer. We read together, played together, cooked together and cleaned up together. Once Smug-Sister and brother were born we were all friends and did everything together with mom. My mom and I have always been close and always shared a strong bond.

I hardly saw my dad. I was desperate for time with him and I honestly believe that the back problems he has today are a direct result of all the times I would cling to him, my arms wrapped so tightly around his neck that he was unable to pull away and stand up. When he was home he was working around the house, mowing, fixing something, etc. He never took me to a ballgame or the fair, I can only remember one time that he joined the family at the pool. He was never home, never around.

When I became a teenager, I confronted him, saying to him that he must not love me since he never wanted to be around me. His reply was how could I believe that he did not love me, he worked 3 sometimes 4 jobs at a time to keep food on the table. I could not understand why work was so much more important than I was to him. He did not understand why I did not feel his deep love for me by the way I always had enough to eat.

I was angry with him for many years and while we always got along and there wasn't every any open hostility between us, I was hurt and deeply angry. I always wondered what I had done to make him not want to be around me; why he did not love me.

As I became and adult and had a few experiences with relationships myself and they ways of the world become clearer to me, I began to understand how my dad and I could have seen my childhood in different ways. I also began to realize that my parents were people who tried their best and still made mistakes.

I approached my dad and we talked. He told me how he had come to realize that while keeping food on the table was important, he had failed to find the balance between being the father and being the provider. He told me how sorry he was that he had missed all that time with me (and my siblings) when we were small.

I told him how I had come to put his past together with what he felt was so important. How he had felt that when his dad failed to provide that it meant he did not love his family and how my dad had wanted to deeply to love us better, to provide for us better, to give us a better childhood. I thanked him for loving me so much that he sacrificed his chance to spend more time with us as kids.

We decided then and there to do better by each other going forward. We did not say it in so many words, but we both decided to make more of an effort to be part of each others lives. He began my talking on the phone more, meeting for lunch every now and again. Over the last several years we have developed into good friends. We actually live about 2 minutes from each other and meet for an early morning bike ride every Saturday morning (OK, most Saturday mornings). He has become my friend, my confidant, my protector, my dad, my hero. He is human, he makes mistakes, but he loves me and what more can one really ask from a parent?

Not Sick... At the Moment

I woke up this morning, slowly got out of bed and went into the bathroom. All normal so far, feeling OK. I gagged on my toothbrush, just like normal and had a nice shower, just like normal.

It wasn't until I actually got to work that I noticed that I was feeling OK. I had a pear and a peach at 6am and still felt OK. I ended up getting really busy and did not get to have my cereal until close to 9am (I normally eat that around 7:30am). I am actually feeling slightly overfull at the moment, but that is OK. I am also feeling like a nap might be a good thing at some point, but overall I am feeling fairly decent! I am almost afraid to write that, like I will jinx myself by thinking that I might be feeling OK.

Smug-Hub just called me to say that he has been throwing up all morning, including a little blood. He told me that he has the shakes and since getting up everything on his stomach, has only been dry heaving. I feel like I should rush home to be with him, but he is the type that likes to be left completely alone when he is feeling bad. I will give it some time and let him call me if he needs something.

He ate pork last night for dinner. He has gotten sick the last three times he has eaten pork, so I think that I will be putting my foot down next time he wants to purchase it. Perhaps he is also having some sympathy morning sickness for me. All three times have been while I was pregnant - something to think about.

Yesterday was actually a great day and the adrenaline from my activities helped me get through the day.

I finally got a hold of the woman who was the doula for Smug-Sister when my nephew was born. I knew that she was not doing the doula thing anymore as she was focusing totally on being a midwife now. I was hoping that she would recommend another local doula that would be good. Instead she said that she would make an exception and be my doula herself. She also said that while she would be my doula in the hospital, she would like to treat my like a midwifery client also, which just means that she would provide additional information on natural childbirth and nutrition among other things. So basically, I will be getting $3,000 worth of care for the $800 price of a doula! I am stoked!

I also asked her about my concerns about my current OB. You see, I actually see the nurse practitioner whom I absolutely LOVE! The only problem is that she would not be the one to actually deliver the baby, that would have to be done by one of the other doctors in the practice. My doula suggested another doctor, who happens to be in my network, as someone very good. She told me that he does not have the whole God complex, and is very open to this being the mother's experience and if she needs to move around, push on all fours, squat, birthing ball, whatever, he is fine with it. So, I called and made an appointment with him next week.

I kind of feel badly about leaving my current OB, but I really want to form a bond with whoever is going to be there for the actual labor and delivery and I really like the idea of a doctor that is OK with a well educated person who knows exactly what she wants. I am not actually well educated or know exactly what I want yet, but I will be!!

I also talked to the lady who runs a local lactation center, she and my mom have been friends forever, so I have known here since I was a little kid. She gave me some names of people teaching Hypnobirthing classes and told me about some of the great nursing bras and other stuff she has in her shop. I am feeling like I am starting to make some good connections and you can never be too prepared, have too many resources, or have too much support!!

I also e-mailed my cousin who did the Hypnobirthing with her second baby and asked her some questions and am hoping that I will hear back from her soon. I am just feeling like I was really productive and proactive. I just have felt so bad for so long that I have put everything on hold. Even though I still don't feel great yet, I am feeling up to starting to plan my pregnancy and birth. I think that now that I have adjusted to reading the pregnancy books and gotten caught up so that I am only reading about the current week, I have room to start reading about birth and getting a birth plan together and plan when to take the classes and put together an exercise plan and so on. I am so ready to get past this first trimester and into the second, where I hear you have tons of energy and stop feeling sick all the time. That is what I am expecting - even if it is a mind of matter thing! I don't care - this sick feeling will go away.

Which, by the way, is totally back. In the time it took me to write this post, I went from feeling fairly OK, to feeling fairly like shit again :(

Oh well...

Why the Dallas Cowboys Showed up at My Anniversary Party

So, as you know I am pregnant; and as such I have been having some really strange and vivid dreams.

So the other time I dreamt that Smug-Hub and I were having a huge second anniversary party, I was in my wedding dress and he was in a tux. We were, for some strange reason, at my mom's old house up in the mountains. We had asked everyone coming to bring a dish to share. Then people started showing up with more people then we were expecting and saying that they forgot to bring a dish.

I was very concerned that we would not have enough food for all the people, so I asked Smug-Hub to run to the store and get some packages of frozen lasagna. I told him to really hurry since people were already arriving.

As soon as he left, my friend Michelle showed up with her husband, who, for some reason, had just started working for the Dallas Cowboys. So the whole team and all the cheerleaders tagged along to the party. One of them was carrying about 50 pizza boxes, so I knew that we would have enough food. So I tried to call Smug-Hub and tell him to come back since we did not need the lasagna, but since we were in the mountains, of course there was no cell service.

I was so worried that he would take his sweet time and totally miss hanging out with his favorite team and especially all the cheerleaders. I finally decided to ask them all for their autographs so that he would have that at least if he missed hanging with them.

So I was running around trying to get everyone to sign, while they were playing a football game in the yard by the way complete with stadium lighting and hot dog peddlers. Finally one of the players said that he would take care of getting the signatures so I could go tend to the rest of the guests. Smug-Hub is still dawdling at the grocery store I guess.

Then suddenly, I am in my own kitchen making potatoes, eggs, grits and the like for everyone to eat for breakfast. Every time I fill a bowl with completed food, someone hands me an empty bowl that needs refilling. I finally hear word that people are slowing down and I can stop cooking. I start to leave the kitchen, realize that I am pregnant and can't stand food smells and am tired all the time and start to collapse.

I am caught by Tony Romo (who is the only cowboy player I can recognize on sight), who helps me to my bedroom. He thanks me for the food and great party. He asks is I need anything. I say "Why did you and Jessica really break up?" Then... I wake up!

I was about to get the scoop and I wake up - dang!

Smug-Hub missed the whole thing and when I told him about this dream, I think that he was actually pissed he missed it.

Panic Sets In

I am starting back to school tonight. TONIGHT!! I have not read the chapter or anything. I have just kept putting it off, thinking that I will do everything once I am feeling better. I am not feeling as horrible as I was in the beginning, but I am not feeling all that great either.

Also, I have had this instructor before and while she is the only truly excellent instructor we have had this whole program, she takes the class period of 6pm-10pm very literally. I am used to being in bed with the lights off at 9pm!! How am I going to not only stay awake until the end of class, but function, take notes, drive myself home!!

I am actually VERY excited to get this class underway, it is the very last one and it is only 7 weeks long. This class will fly by and then I will be an official MBA graduate and school will forever be behind me. Well, until Peanut starts school, then I am sure that I will sit outside her/him classroom all day waiting for her/him to be finished... I am not kidding people! Stop laughing, I mean it!

Anyway, I will have a few hours between work and school, should I try to read the chapter? Should I try to take a nap?? Should I attempt to do both??? I am feeling OK today, just mild waves of desire to eliminate all food from my stomach. I am not overly tired, maybe I should start reading the chapter, skim the important points and then try to nap a bit.

Also, since I have to eat something small every 1 1/2 to 2 hours, I am going to have to being a grocery bag of food to school. Eat when I get there, eat again 2 hours later, and again 2 hours after that - which will be, like, on the drive home! Lord, I hope I don't fall asleep during her lecture! I hope that I will be so super charged with learning that the adrenaline will kick in and keep me going!

Oh God!! Tomorrow is going to suck ass.... 4:30Am....

Still Feeling Sickly

Well, I have been totally putting life on hold for the most part waiting to start feeling better. I am currently almost 11 weeks, so I am expecting to start feeling better soon, within the next 2 weeks or so. I am managing it better, but only just. I have been putting off school work, house work, seeing friends, everything. I just don't have the energy to sit and talk with someone, I just want to try to rest and not throw up. I have been feeling better today, which is why I am gracing you all with a nice post. Don't you just feel lucky??

My brother is currently in jail and will probably remain there the full 5 months of his sentence. He was arrested for possession with intent to distribute pot. I think that there were several technicalities that should have resulted in the charges being dismissed, but my brother did not have a very good lawyer and ended up pleading no contest. I am actually very proud of him for taking his licks here. So many times you see people passing the buck, blaming everything and everyone else for their problems and he knows he was breaking the law and he knows that he needs to pay for it.

There are lots of the should have done's, like he should have gotten into some kind of drug counseling program and other activities to show the judge that he had really turned his life around, but he did not do that, so when it came time to sentence him, the judge did not feel like David just telling him that he was cleaned and had stopped was enough. However, the judge is making the felony go away. He gave David a massively stiff sentence for the smaller drug charge and if David does anything and everything that he is asked to do, then the felony will go away. This is really huge, and the judge probably did this because he knew our father is a retired cop. David is having a hard time seeing such a long sentence as a a good thing and I totally understand where he is coming from, but he does know that there isn't anything he can do about it now and he is resigned to serving his time, getting out and moving on with his life.

I hope that someday we will all look back at this as a needed adventure that helped David change his lifestyle and become... I don't know... I drug councilor or lawyer or something. Just as long I never have to worry about him like I am worrying now, I will be happy. I just want him to be happy. I think that he longs deeply for true love and a family and I really hope that he is able to find that. It took me into my 30's to find my true love, it may take him that long too, but I hope not.

I have been in talks with my bosses and others within my company about starting a work-from-home program. While I hate the work, if I could do it from home, allowing me to bring in an income while still staying home with my baby, it would be worth it! They all seem to be on board; working from home is the future as it will save so much, from cutting down on sick days, to helping the earth since less people will be driving to and from the office each day. I really hope that sometime next month they will get moving on it. I would like to get settled in at home and get all the bugs worked out before the baby comes. I am keeping all my fingers crossed!!

I went to a couple of yard sales this weekend and ended up finding the perfect rocking chair for me and the baby. It was built by the Amish in Pennsylvania about 35 years ago, if the seller can be believed. It is very sturdy and solid and comfortable and I am very excited about it! I also found a Baby Bjorn for $10. I think those retail for close to $100, so I am stoked about that deal too. I also found a book on natural baby food and other "green" baby ideas. I just love the idea of getting all Mother Earthy and if I can work from home part time, I will have plenty of time to make all natural baby food and stuff like that.

Why, by the way, do people feel the need to criticize if you are thinking about parenting in a way that differs from them??? Why can't people just live and let live???? I want to use cloth diapers, I used them when I changed my brother and sister when they were babies and I used them when I changed my nephew. It is not like this isn't a known quantity, I know the work involved, but I also know about the huge cost savings in the long run and you can't get any worse than disposables for the environment. I also believe that disposables have a time and place, like while traveling. The cloth ones out now are so cool, some of them even some with liners that allow you to toss the poop and wash the rest, they have Velcro just like plastic, so they are even easier than before. Why do people feel the need to roll their eyes at me or say "yeah, we'll see how long that lasts" Do you really care how I diaper my child? Really? Do I bug you about how to diaper or diapered your kid? NO, I don't care - you did it your way, I'll do it mine!

OK, well, sorry about that rant. I guess that this stuff is really getting to me. It's like everyone discounts my thoughts and plans because I don't actually have a baby yet, so I don't understand, but I just don't really understand why people care. It's like the people who, when they find out you are pregnant, like to tell you about all the miscarriages they had or know about. Or about their horrible birth experience - again, WHY? What purpose does this serve besides making my worry or be scared?

OK, I really am finished with that rant.....

I have been connecting with my cousins via Facebook lately, including the one currently on duty in Iraq. He is online a lot of mornings when I am getting ready for work, it is like noon there then, and I bet he likes being able to connect with family at home, and everyone else is sleeping. All my cousins are excited about the baby. A new baby is always exciting, but the whole family knows about how long we have been trying and how hard it has been to get this far. I am so lucky to have such a close family, we make a point of getting together once or twice a year, Easter and Thanksgiving and whoever can make it comes and we all see each other. There is so much love there, even if we don't all understand some of the choices we make, there is never a doubt of the love that we have for each other. It makes me sad to hear about families that don't get along.

I am getting ready to start the last course in the MBA program tomorrow (7/21/09). The last 7 week countdown starts and the last huge papers will be begun. I am dreading having to get back into the late nights, no free time, constant reading way of life, but I am excited about getting it over with and then being able to concentrate fully on being a mom. I will be the first person in my family, both immediate and extended to have this high a level of education and everyone is very proud of me! I am proud of me! I hope that I will still feel that way once the $100,000 in student loans comes due :( Maybe I should enroll in another program of study and keep putting those loans off.... nah, probably best to just get started paying them off... You think?