Grouchy

OK, I am really grouchy today. I just want to cry and pull all my clothes off, cause my belly is itching and my shirt feels like it is trying to choke me. People at work are all stopping by to comment on how I'm still here and how I should get them to induce me cause I am so huge that I could hurt my baby if I wait any longer (one women had a kid with a dislocated shoulder at birth).

I am not sleeping well at night and that is having an effect on my mood and attitude during the day. I want to stop working, but I am not sure what I would do all day if I was off all the time, but not being able to rest due to having to be at work or not being able to take a nap or whatever is really hard too. I think that I will talk to the doctor and have this be my last week. I am 41 full weeks tomorrow and they will not let me go without some intervention beyond 42 weeks, do it would only be a week tops that would cut into my maternity leave if I haven't delivered by then. I just need to get away from everyone! If I could, I would take my husband out to the woods to a little cabin and not come home until we have had the baby and bonded and everything. Everyone else can just suck it!

My aunts have gotten their knickers in a twist because they think that I don't want them to come to the hospital, when what I said was that I did not want an audience at the birth. They can come hang out at my step-mother's house, or the hospital waiting room if they want, but they are not going to be allowed to come back to the labor and delivery room to watch me be in pain or anything. I do NOT want anyone but our birth team and my husband there when I deliver. I want time after she is born to bond, just the three of us for a little while and then, once we are cleaned up and everyone is doing well, then people can come in for a quick visit (like 10 minutes) and then be on their way. I also think people are going to get pissed, when I tell them that they can't hold her. I don't really give a shit, she is mine to protect and there is so much flu and head colds and crap going around, that I am not taking the chance. I am not above blaming it on the doctor though :)

I have been waddling around today, trying to get though my little 4 hour work day and just wanting to cry every time someone walks by and makes a little comment. Do you think they would get the hint if I burst into tears?

This baby has to come out at some point right? She can't stay in there forever and soon all this uncomfortable, heavy, itchy, achy feelings will be a memory. I know that I have to let her come in her own time and I really have enjoyed being pregnant and will probably miss being pregnant, the discomfort is starting to outweigh the good stuff.

Progress

I saw the doctor yesterday and I am 90% effaced and a good 2 centimeters dilated. I also lost my mucus plug over the weekend, so things are moving in the right direction, but I am starting to get impatient again. I thought that working part time would be the answer, the compromise, but I am still not sleeping well and unable to nap during the day.

I have been walking like crazy and eating pineapple and spicy food, but nothing is kicking off labor. So, I called my midwife friend and asked her thoughts on taking caster oil. She told me that anything, natural or medical, that induces labor is not really natural. My daughter has a birthday, all ready set aside for her and if I push to get things started sooner than she is ready, it could result in a really long, really hard labor and might even end with other medical interventions like IV fluids, drugs and the like.

She suggested that I wait until the doctor starts talking about medical induction and then have my membranes swept and have sex. She says that this has been the best way of inducing labor that she has found. Regardless, it won't work unless the baby is ready. She also suggested that I stop working, get myself into the mindset of labor and delivery and let go of all the control factors. This is going to be very hard for me, but I have a feeling that she is right. If I have not gone into labor by Friday, I think that I will have Friday be my last day. I need to rest and get centered and simply focus on delivering my daughter and not on how money is tight, or if I don't work on Tuesday I don't get paid the holiday pay for Monday, stuff like that.

I am such a control freak that it is hard for me not to have a list or a formula or something to follow to make happen what I want to happen. I need to focus on letting go and letting my body relax into labor land. I need to concentrate on getting enough rest, eating good food, and visualizing my labor and baby. A watched pot never boils, so I have to let go and just go with the flow.

Today Is The Day

Well, I am not in labor but I am so relieved and happy that it really doesn't matter. The last month has been long and hard, I was feeling so worn out and tired and run down that it made continuing to be pregnant that much harder on me. All that changed this week! Last week, I was so ready to be finished with work, so tired the thought of getting up another morning would bring me to tears. Then I decided to take a day off due to the massive snow being called for last weekend, then I ended up getting cut 4 hours on Monday due to low volume and did not attempt to get to work on Tuesday again due to the blizzard we had that day. So I got lots of rest, my head cold finally cleared up and I have only worked 3 full days this week.

I am finding that I have more energy to do stuff around the house in the evenings and I have even been sleeping a bit better. So, while last week I was convinced that this week would be my last at work, but yesterday I was thinking that I might be able to handle working a bit longer.

I talked about my concerns with my doctor and he agreed that perhaps working part time until I go into labor would be best for me. So I talked to my boss and not only did she agree to cut my hours in half, she also agreed to my working 10am-2pm instead of coming into work at 6am each morning.

This has made me so happy! This way, I can sleep in a bit if I have a bad night, I am not trying to drive to work before any of the roads have been scraped or any ice has had time to get started melting. I am still off during the day with enough time to go to the pool and swim laps or go to the mall and walk. I am still bringing in some income and not dipping into my maternity leave too early! It is like the perfect thing and why the hell did I not do this three weeks ago!?!?!?!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I feel happy and not so anxious on when Smug-Baby will decide to be born! While yesterday I was still singing the "come on baby, come on baby" mantra, now I feel like I have things well in hand outside and she is free to take as much time as she needs. I don't even feel like biting off the heads of people who ask if I have had the baby yet!!

While I am still anxious to have her here and get to squeeze her and love her and kiss her toes, I am not feeling so crazed about it that I would want to consider induction or anything at this point! It feels like everything is brighter and better and happier and different! I am back to loving being a pregnant chick for the time being!!

40 Weeks

Today I see my doctor for my 40 week visit. I am officially due tomorrow and nothing is happening. No lost mucus plug, no water breaking, no regular cramping or contractions. My daughter is currently protesting to my choice of lunch (spicy sloppy Joes) by kicking me in the bladder and ribs simultaneously, but the spicy does not seem to being on any major changes in the last 4 minutes since I finished eating. Now I have heartburn to look forward to as well…

I am really getting burned out on being pregnant. I know that my hormones are acting up, cause I still want to strangle people who have asinine comments like "haven't you had that baby yet?" Why, yes, yes I did, can't you tell??? God people!

I am thinking that I am going to cut back to part time starting next week unless the doctor wants me to stop totally. I was stuck in the house alone all day on Tuesday when we had more bad snow and I was really bored. If I stop working totally what will I do all day?

With snow measuring in the feet instead of inches, getting outside for a walk each day is not going to happen, but maybe I would feel more like getting to the gym to swim or walk the treadmill but with working that is too much. I can really see how women get talked into induction cause if he were of want to strip my membranes today I would have a hard time saying no, cause I am really ready. However, if she is not ready, that could lead to complications and I don't want that at all. On the other hand, it might be fine and I could have a baby tomorrow instead of coming to work! What should I do?

Quitting Work...Maybe

I am thinking more and more about starting my maternity leave sooner rather than later. I am going to see what the doctor thinks before I make any final decisions. I don’t want to cut into my weeks off and spend several of them without the baby, but I am starting to wear out!

I really want to do some things before the baby comes like really clean my house and get the fridge cleaned out and dispose of all the expired crap in the bathroom. I would like to make and freeze some food to have ready after she comes. I would like to walk and swim and take naps and just get centered and ready. I am so tired and hurting so much after working all day, that I don’t do any of these things.

I am embarrassed to admit that I have not really cleaned my house since right before family came for Christmas! I want to get it clean!! Maybe this is the beginning of nesting, except that messy and dirty always bother me – I am slightly on the OCD side.

I would like to be really strong for when labor starts. I have been sick with head colds three times during this pregnancy and my knees hurt whenever I put pressure on them (like when standing up, sitting down, using the stairs, etc.), my feet and legs are pretty much staying swollen now, and everything takes so much effort! I just feel like if I cut out working, and getting up at 4am to get to work, then I would feel better and be able to be strong.

Minor Frustrations

I am finding that I am increasingly irritated with people constantly telling me how huge, enormous and otherwise big I am. I do have a mirror in my house, people! I can see for myself that I am big, I know that I am huge, I have to carry around this extra weight all day and night, so I really don’t need to be told or reminded how gargantuan I am right now.

Also, people can stop asking me if the baby isn’t here yet. Again, what a stupid thing to say! You can see that I am still obviously pregnant, I was just in the office yesterday, so there is no way that I had a baby, and maternity leave and am already back within hours of when you saw me last!! You asked me the due date yesterday, what the hell is wrong with you???

I find myself less and less able to come up with polite responses and I really want to tell people to fuck off and leave me the hell alone! I can’t do this and I wouldn’t even on the worst of days, but it is getting harder!

It is hard to blame people really, because they are just happy for us and excited for us and want to be part of the whole experience with us, but the odd comments about my size and when she will arrive are starting to really wear on me. I feel that this is partly because I am anxious to get the show on the road too, and partly because I am getting to the point where I am really uncomfortable all the time anyway, so it is harder to put on a nice face for people.

I did get my nails done yesterday and that felt really great and I have a hair cut and massage scheduled for this afternoon so that may help as well. I am anxious for some relief from these minor annoyances – and that is what they are minor! Small amounts of heartburn, slight pain in my knees and other joints, sometimes out of breath, stuff like that – nothing major, nothing life threatening, nothing to get all worked up over, yet…

I am just feeling like I am in a bad mood like all the time. Of course, this mood really just started yesterday, so I don’t know!