Starting a New Chapter

I have taken a job. A full time, important, grown-up job. I am feeling mostly at peace with the decision, but there are concerns too. It all started when I was having some pain in my side and back. I asked my friend, who is studying massage, to come over and take a look because the chiropractor was closed and I felt like the pain was getting worse. She looked me over and tried a few things, but the most profound thing she told me was that I wasn't breathing well. My breath was shallow and my chest and shoulders were behaving like I was being pressed under a rock or something else heavy. The following day, my husband and I were talking about the enormous financial pressure our family has been living under and I realized that I was suffocating under the weight and it clicked! The weight and pressure of our financial situation was causing a physical reaction in my body. I wasn't breathing like I should be breathing because of the pressure. My husband confided that he was worried about me and about the pace I was going and concerned about how much longer I could sustain without breaking.

I spent a lot of time thinking that night before falling asleep and woke to the phone ringing. My sister calling to chat. I told her about my night of revelation and my wondering if I was being a good mom. Being that I was so tired all the time, I was snappy with the kids and unable to focus on completing tasks around the house or make healthy meals. I would find myself lying on the floor in tears because I was too tired to do anything else. I brought up the possibility of seeing what full time jobs were available and my sister suggested we do some math and figure out what base salary I'd need to make going back to work and paying for childcare and everything worthwhile. Once we had a number in mind, I decided that I'd do some more soul searching and take a look at what jobs might be available.

About 15 minutes later, my sister called back and told me that her company was hiring for a position that she thought I'd qualify for, but the catch was, I needed to apply that day as it was the last day the job posting would be up. I decided to apply and see what happened.

I was contacted for a couple of interviews and HR called to ask me my salary requirements and then they offered me the job...at $5,000 more a year than I'd asked for!!!!! I accepted and start my new job on Monday.

The last few weeks have a been a blur of arranging childcare, getting work clothes, getting new glasses, and preparing for a new routine. I think I'm ready!

The kids have been attending a local pre-school program and both seem to like it, although my son is much more clingy since having started so I knew he is feeling some effects. My girlfriend is going to pick them up from school and keep them until I finish work. Everything seems to have fallen into place and that brings me a lot of peace about the decision, like its the right time for this to be happening.

I am still concerned about my son. He has been going 2 days the last two weeks and will go 3 this week and 4 next week before jumping into all 5 days. If he is clingy and feeling insecure at 2 days, what is 5 going to do to him? I also fear that my husband doesn't fully appreciate what this is going to do to his quality of life. I started working part-time when my daughter was born, so my husband has no sense of what life is like with two full-time working parents. I don't think he has a concept of how much I do at home during the day. He only sees what I am not able to get done - the vacuuming of the floor or mopping the kitchen. He doesn't see the constant cleaning of the kitchen or the constant clutter pick up or the never-ending piles of laundry. I think he thinks that I will continue to be able to handle all that I handle around the house now (because he doesn't think its much) and work a full-time job. I feel like since I will be bringing in the same amount of money he is and working the same hours he is and handling the kids the same amount he is, he should handling an equal amount of housework.

He complains about his lack of free time daily. He doesn't have time to work on house projects (which he didn't work on when he had time, but suddenly now, its an issue). He doesn't have time to eat dinner when he gets home from work, but because its the kids bedtime. He never gets to just relax and watch football or the news. I don't know what he thought parenting and being an adult was going to be like. All I know is that I don't have time to watch TV, work on special projects or even eat sitting down, so I'm not sure what the complaint is really.

Today, I have several errands to run while the kids are at school and my friend is going to run through pick up with me and come over this afternoon to go over the code to get into the house, how to work the remotes and the like. Tomorrow my son won't go to school, so I'll take him to the library as it will be our last day together. Thursday, I'm taking the car for an oil change and Friday is Halloween and there are activities at their school as well as things we will do as a family. Saturday I'm taking my daughter to a princess party and Sunday, my sister and I doing each others nails and we are having a cookout at my dad's. That's it. That will mark the end of my SAHM career (if you can call 4 jobs plus parenting "stay at home mom"). I dreamed of being a mom my whole life, of staying home and giving my kids the best start possible. I waited so long and I blinked and its over. I mean, the full-time mommy thing, not the whole parenting thing. But, the truth is, starting Monday, other people will be with my kids more of their waking hours than I and that's hard for me. it should be me...

They are Sleeping

I'm sitting in the downstairs guest room of my house. A room that has, over the last few months, turned into my sleeping space. I am awake at 5am, because for me, 5am is sleeping in! I have gotten up before 2:30am the last 3 days for work and now my body won't let me sleep until 7 when the kids normally wake. I have been working on getting items ready for the consignment sale until I ran out of hangers and I need to go shave my legs, but I had a sudden impulse to do a blog post! At least once a day I long for the times when I could put my feelings on my blog and detail my daily life and all the ups and downs, funny and sad things happening on any given day. I want to get back to having blogging time, but I don't have any idea if/when that will happen.

I work almost every moment that I am awake and I am awake A LOT! I bake cupcakes in the early mornings for a local cupcake shop, then I race home to do the stay-at-home mom thing - running the kids to school and activities, cleaning, laundry, make beds, scrub toilets, wipe runny noses, pack lunches, empty the dishwasher, make the menus, cook the meals, grocery shop, balance the checkbook and pay the bills, fill the cars with gas and so on and on and on... When my husband gets home from work, we tuck the kids in bed and if all goes according to plan, have about 20-30 minutes to talk and spend time together before I pass out in an attempt to get 4-6 hours of sleep before doing it all over again tomorrow.

The weekends that used to be relaxed have filled up to include a cleaning job, cooking meals and batches of granola for sale and working my network marketing business. I actually love all my jobs! I get paid to bake cupcakes for goodness sake!! The lady I clean for is super nice and funny and I love chatting with her while I clean her little apartment. Baking and cooking is one of my joys, so I love making warm, crispy batches of granola, comforting soups and fun pasta dishes for my cooking clients. I think that several of the supplements that my network marketing company sells are amazing and I love that everything is all natural, non-GMO and organically grown! The problem is, that even combined, all these jobs aren't enough to pay all the bills! Everything keeps costing more and the money doesn't increase at the same rate.

While I know that God provides and we have always been taken care of, never paid a mortgage payment late or been seriously hungry, I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about our finances. I have to keep on top of everything on a daily basis to make sure we don't bounce anything (and often we bounce anyway). I feel like I am suffocating under the weight of our finances and I don't know what to do to release the pressure. My husband has made it clear that his solution is that I find a full time job, using my masters degree, and start making 6 figures straight out of the gate. Problem with this plan is that it isn't realistic! I have been looking for jobs, and there really isn't anything that starts out making bank!! I'd have to get my foot in the door somewhere, making $15.00 an hour and pay some dues before moving up and making more money. The issue is, that we can't afford full time day care for both kids, while I pay these dues. Once our son is old enough for school and our daughter is in school, I will be able to accept a job making a smaller starting salary and the money I make will actually help our financial situation instead of adding to the problems. I'd need to start out making $32,000 a year just to pay for day care and a few work associated bills (more gas for my car, more doctor bills, etc.) and I'd need to start out making more than that if it were to help AT ALL to pull us out of this current strain!

If a great job came up, something that was the same hours my daughter was in school and paid enough that I could afford to send my son to that school for those same hours, I'd jump on it so fast!! But, if that job is out there, its not listed in the paper or in the online searches I've been checking! While I know that my husband would hate it if he knew that I felt like I could not talk to him about all this, he has effectively made me feel like this is my problem to solve - because I'm the one not bringing in half the money needed to support us. I feel like I am giving all I can give. I handle 95% of the kids, 100% of the house, 100% of the bills, errands, and so on, plus I'm bringing in about 30% of our money! I want him to go out and find a 6 figure job! I want him to work a part time job! I want him to feel the deep exhaustion that comes with being sleep deprived for the last 5 years!!!!

He also seems to feel like all the world's problems will be solved as soon as our son weans from nursing. We made this mistake with our daughter and it took over a year to get her sleep issues sorted out and I refuse to make that same mistake again. I am not sure how he can have forgotten all the hours spent trying to get her to sleep without the aid of nursing, all the night waking and staying in her bed issues. She weaned at 2 and now at 4, has just recently, in the last 6 months or so, started going to bed and staying there all night!!! Add to that, our son is my last baby and I really don't want to rush him out of babyhood! If there was a good reason to wean, I'd do it! If all the world's problems would really be solved, I'd do it! But since I know that its all bullshit, I refuse and its causing issues between my husband and I.

I love my husband and I know he loves me, but I feel resentment toward him, because I don't feel like he takes some of my burden or helps me to relax into him. He doesn't make me feel secure, like he will take care of me. Lord knows I don't make taking care of me easy, I am very much into control and I wouldn't be able to handle letting him manage the money for instance. But, I control all the balls in the air all the time and I wish that I was able to let it all go, put the balls in his hands and trust that he has my back. I don't feel like he has my back. I feel like we are in competition somehow and I don't know what to do about it.

In the last few months, I have started relying on him more. My work schedules have required him to be in charge of the kids while I am away and he has stepped up nicely! I started sleeping in the guest room for two reasons, first: I wasn't sleeping well, because our son still wakes some at night and I was waking every time he moved or tossed or turned. Plus, he wants to stay latched on all night and I can't sleep through that. The other reason was that I was waking him with my alarm at 2-3am when I got up for work and he wouldn't go back to sleep/let me leave. So, I've been getting better/more sleep as of late, but it isn't enough and isn't making up for the deep deffest. I need deep, long sleep every night for about a year to get caught up!!

It does feel more like we are working as a team here lately. He's got the kids when I don't and he isn't complaining about it. We have a long way to go if we want to be truly equals in this marriage/raising kids/life thing, but we are working on it. I think that he may be getting an idea of how hard it is to be home with the kids. He hasn't complained about the house in a while, so maybe spending every morning with the kids, trying to get them ready for the day and make breakfast is helping him see that also cleaning the kitchen and making the bed is some days too hard to manage!

The kids are totally amazing. Our daughter has started Pre-School and is handling it like a boss!! She only goes 3 days a week and is upset that she isn't going every day!! She will be starting kindergarten next fall and I am having a hard time getting my head around all that nonsense!! Our son is obsessed with Thomas the Train and can pretty much name all the trains on sight! He is potty trained (trained at 2 years, 1 month) and while he still sleeps in a diaper at night and has the occasional miss, he is doing great! He and I have more time together during the mornings when his sister is at school and I love that!! The two of them are super close and play together really well most of the time. She comforts him when he is sad or mad at me for being a mean mommy. He follows where she leads, even to the top of the slide or climbing up the monkey bars! I love that I am able to watch their every development, kiss every hurt and join in every game.

This life of financial hardship is one I chose and while it is hard to breathe under the weight of it sometimes, I wouldn't trade it for another. I get to spend the majority of their waking hours with my kids and I get to mold them and teach them and be their guide. That really is worth all this money stuff, because they will be in school before I can blink and I'll get that good paying job and all these financial worries will be a thing of the past - along with my babies being babies...

Titles

Everyone has several titles that are assigned to them in life. I am wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin and granddaughter. I have realized that it is difficult to explain that Grandma is also Mommy to Uncle Smug-Bro to my very inquisitive Smug-Baby! I am also realizing that titles aren't as cut and dry as I once believed them to be.

I used to get somewhat offended when my sister would use the term "Aunt" when referring to a close family friend. That was MY title and it was special just for me!!! So I stopped using the "Aunt" at all with my nephew, because if it wasn't going to be special and anyone could be "Aunt So-in-so" then I would just be me. I was OK with that, but it still hurt that the title was given out willy-nilly.

Last weekend, we had a family wedding in town and all my family was here and we had a big cookout and pool party at my sister's place. I was surrounded with my aunts and uncles and cousins when it hit me. My cousin's have children now and they are also cousins. Try explaining that to several 2-5 year olds!!

My cousins, sister and myself came to the conclusion, that, in the eyes of the children, adults would be aunts and uncles and the kids were cousins. It didn't matter if the title didn't match the technical definition because it was something the little kids could understand.

That is when I started thinking maybe I had been wrong to feel slighted in regards to my "title" Family is family and it doesn't really matter the title that one has, because "family" is the only title that matters. My family is very close and my cousins are like brothers and sisters and my aunts and uncles are like parents!

When it comes to small children, they need simple explanations for life and calling someone "Aunt" tells the child, without having to explain it, that this person is special and is a adult to be listened to and is someone who loves them very much.

It would be very cumbersome to try to keep track of who was my great-aunt and I certainly don't call her "Great Aunt G"!! I don't call my cousin's child "Second Cousin P" for goodness sake! Family is family and an aunt is a loved adult and a cousin is a loved child. That is all it needs to be!!

As I have gotten older, I realized that the closeness of my family is not something that everyone has. I got some odd looks when putting in for time off to go to my cousin's funerals. These people were not some distant related person, these were children I grew up with and knew well and felt close to. Their passing was not a small blip on my radar, but a life altering change! Not everyone has that kind of closeness with their "extended family" and I can't help but feel for those people because they are missing out!

This weekend we stayed up talking until after 2am, my cousins and myself. We have done that many times, but this time was the first for me since I've had children. I normally go to bed when the kids do, because I know I'll be up with them in the night. But this time, I threw caution to the wind and had a margarita and some laughs! I noticed how much has changed, we all have children now and the talk was more family focused than when I was a kid. But, I also noticed how little things had changed too. My comedic cousin is still just as funny and I am still the goody-goody who doesn't break the rules and thinks everything through.

My daughter is so close with Smug-Niece that she has started to refer to her as "sister" I had been correcting her until I realized that it too didn't matter! She feels the love of a sister for this person and has decided that this is the title deserved. Who am I to say different?!?

Hello Monday

Today is the day! It is Monday and it is the start of getting my shit together! I am going to do everything on my "to do" list today! I am going to take my vitamins and drink my water and exercise! I am going to get all the laundry washed, folded AND put away! I am going to end the day with the house in order and the kitchen cleaned! I will not forget anything major!!

The weekend was very nice. My cousin got married to a really lovely girl. They got married in her hometown, so we all made the trip to the wedding. I think that overall I am very glad that we all went, Smug-Baby and Little-Smug both had a lot of fun and it was a really beautiful wedding. However, the traveling is never easy with the children and I think Smug-Baby was sick.

It was really strange. I thought she was getting pinkeye on Thursday so I treated it aggressively all day Thursday and Friday and she seemed 100% by Friday afternoon. Then, suddenly Sunday morning, her eyes were all goopy again and she felt warm! She was incredibly fussy and melting down over everything. She slept most of the drive home and slept over 13 hours last night! She has woken up seemingly fine and has been eating and playing like she is totally normal so I hope that whatever it was has passed. I am going to keep her home today and doing mellow things until she is fever free for 24 hours just in case.

Little-Smug has been a true joy! So excited about playing in the dirt at the wedding and proudly showing his dirt covered fingers to all passersby. Everyone commented how sweet he was and on his wonderful curls! Today, he is full of adventure, climbing up on everything he can and trying to follow Smug-Baby and do everything she can do.

I have already had the first of my 3 waters, taken vitamins and had a healthy breakfast of chocolate oatmeal (oatmeal with a scoop of protein powder in it) and I have gotten all the trip stuff unpacked and put away. I have made the bed and cleaned up the breakfast dishes. I still need to wash diapers, make up wipes and do several loads of laundry. I would like to get the bathroom cleaned and the kitchen floor swept and workout! Wish me luck! Happy Monday!

Lists

My mom used to make lists. Like, a LOT of lists. Lists for the year, the month, the week, the day, schoolwork, meals, groceries, errands - you name it! If it was part of life, it had a list. I hated these constant lists when I was growing up. I vowed that I would never make a list beyond one for grocery's (and frankly, even that was pushing it) and I would not be ruled by lists so help me God!!!

Little by little I started allowing lists into my life and before I knew what was happening I was making lists of New Year's Resolutions and a list of the exercises I wanted to do at the gym. It was list that grocery list was a gateway drug into a world of constant list making.

Now, I am finding that I am floundering without a list to go by. So I surrender to the disease that I come by naturally and I have decided to embrace my list making gene!

I have made lists of the stuff around the house that I would like to get done, stuff that needs to get done soon, upkeep items, daily tasks, Smug-Baby's activities, and personal stuff (exercising and drinking water) to keep me on track.

I think that what I failed to understand when my mother was making all her dreaded lists, was that once you have so many balls in the air (house, kids, bills, etc.) the brain simply can't keep up with all of them. So, it has become a necessary evil.

I always find that I can accomplish a whole lot more when I have a list than I can when I am winging it. I have fallen off the list wagon in recent weeks and I am drowning in a sea of things that need to be done that I can't find the time to do. I was talking about all this with a friend and she was commenting about the same thing and I mentioned that sometimes I tell myself I am just going to clean the kitchen for the 3 minutes it takes my lunch to heat in the microwave and I am shocked that I am actually able to get it all cleaned up in that amount of time and I wonder why I put it off all day!

The lists that I have been working on, make it totally doable to get most of the things done that I want to get done and still have time for the park and play dates and rolling around on the floor with the kids.

I have typed up most of the reoccurring lists and on the advice of a friend, will put them into clear sleeves so I can use a dry erase marker to check off things as they are complete and then wipe the sheet clean to have it ready for tomorrow! I am excited to get back into my routines and stop wallowing in this self pity that I have been allowing myself to be consumed with lately. Its time to get back to being the true, list making me!!

1 Year Old

My dearest Little-Smug,

Today you are turning 1 year old. I can't believe how this last year has flown and yet, I can't believe it has only been a year since you made our lives complete. There was a time when your daddy and I considered only having 1 child and now how silly that seems. You have brought us so much love and happiness and we can't imagine not having you.

Your sister loved you from the first moment she learned that you were going to be coming to live with us. She hurts you sometimes because she is loving on you so much! She wants to play, but plays too rough and you want to play and can't keep up. If she is climbing on it, you want to be climbing on it too!

You took your first wobbly steps at 8 months and by 9 months were fully walking everywhere. By 10 months you were able to stand up on your own without pulling up on something. You now only crawl if you fall over while Smug-Baby or daddy is chasing you and don't feel like you have the time to get yourself standing again before getting caught!

You have 7 teeth at the moment, but number 8 is just on the verge of poking through. You cut the first 6 all within a month and then had a nice long break. The most recent tooth just popped up about a week ago. You have been a champ with the whole teething process thus far. You wear your amber necklace so you don't deal with a lot of drooling, but you are more fussy (which means, you are fussy at all, since you hardly ever cry), you have green poo, your nose runs a little and you rub your little face a bit.



You like to try to eat everything we are eating and love green Kefer smoothies, avocado, potatoes and almond milk. You hate baby food! We have been getting WIC to help us out some while mama looks for a job and they provided us with about 10,000 jars of baby food and you can't stand it! I can't blame you!! I tried to put it into smoothies, pancakes and anything else I could think of, but you were right, its horrible!!

You love to share! You love to squish some food around in your mouth and then lovingly stuff it into mine! You love to hand me the phone or the remote or other toy. You clap, you laugh and you love playing games.

You love pat-a-cake. You love chasing your sister and being chased in return. You love climbing back to where the electronics are and pulling the wi-fi plugs. You love turning on the cable box and love even more turning it off while we are all watching something!

You hate having your diaper changed and don't like getting dressed. You love water and taking a bath.

We have adjusted nicely to having you as part of our family and you make waking up each day a beautiful thing. You wake up, your eyes open and turn to find me. Our eyes meet and you grin at me with so much love I fear it will expand my heart to the bursting point. Then you sit up and search the bed for Smug-Baby and Daddy. You climb on top of them and with open-mouth kisses and babbles of happiness, you wake them up.

 Happy first birthday to my son, my light, my love and the sweetest boy I have ever laid eyes on. My hope for today is that you feel all the love from my heart, bask in the love from your daddy and glow in the love from your sister. I hope that you can feel all the birthday wishes and love from your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and everyone else!

 

Feeling Excited

Here I sit, in what is quickly becoming "my spot" at Starbucks, working on some applications, dealing with some emails and working on my newest project. I am feeling really excited at the prospect of helping a friend and it is getting all my business admin. juices flowing and I am feeling happy to have something besides laundry to focus on. I love the idea of helping a business succeed, especially when I feel so strongly about the service they provide!

I am talking about Shining Star Family Center in Roanoke, VA. They offer a wide variety of classes for children and adults, ranging from baby ballet and adult yoga to homeschooling academics and bible study. Most of the classes are $5 to join and are taught by fabulous instructors who are dedicated to helping provide quality instruction at a fair price.

I love that my daughter can be introduced to ballet and tap and jazz and maybe tumbling and gymnastics in the future all at a price that I can afford. She isn't a focused student, all into technique at this point, she is 3 after all; however I do want her exposed to all that these classes offer. She isn't just learning about tapping, she is learning to listen, follow the instructor and follow the rules as well as learning about music and rhythm and the movement of her body. She is learning that being physical in life is important and fun.

They are going to offer a more structured class this summer for her age group that will focus on learning colors, numbers, letters, and basic writing. This is like what she would be learning in pre-school, except that she is in a comfortable environment with instructors and assistants that she already knows. This class will teach through play and I will be able to be as involved as Smug-Baby needs me to be until she is ready to be on her own without me.

I have been giving a lot of thought to her upcoming education. Starting with kindergarten and working back, I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to make sure she is ready, both emotionally as well as academically when she starts full time school in 2015.

I was home-schooled and there are a lot of aspects of that style of education that appeal to me, but there are also things about my youth that I would like to change for my children, so I spend a lot of time thinking about what is best for them, what we can make happen for them and so on. This parenting stuff isn't for the weak I tell ya!!!

Lifestyles of the Poor and Sleepless

Smug-Baby is not sleeping these days. She is 3 and should be sleeping I think!!!! She will often have weeks at a time where she sleeps in her own bed all night or comes into our bed and goes right back to sleep and sleeps soundly. But then, there are weeks like the last few, where she is up for hours and hours, tossing and turning and unable to go back to sleep.

Last night, she went to sleep at 7:15pm, in her own bed and slept 6 hours before coming into our bed a little after 1:00am. She proceeded to toss and turn, whisper to herself, lay across the foot of the bed, lay with her feet on the pillow, try to hold her sleeping brother's hand, pet his face and talk to me, until after 4:00am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then, Smug-Hub took her (crying, mind you) back to her own bed and she ended up falling back asleep there sometime between 4 and 5. I had had it with her!!! I kept telling her that if she couldn't go to sleep, she needed to go back to her own room and let momma sleep, and she would lay there, quietly for a good long time, like 20-40 minutes, before tossing and turning again. I haven't been back to sleep since 1:16am this morning and I am ready to die!!! How is it possible for her to lay there for so many hours without falling asleep?!?!?!?

How am I supposed to get/keep/go to a job at 5 or 5:30 in the morning and function with 3-4 hours of sleep?!?!?!? I have been sleep deprived for years now and I keep wondering when I am going to reach the breaking point and lose my mind for real!

I love the idea of the family bed and I love those mornings of snugging all together and everyone is warm and squishy and cuddled up together and I don't want Smug-Baby to feel like everyone is welcome in the big bed except her, but something has to change. Frankly, I have no ideas on what to do here, because she does sleep well some nights and those tend to be the nights Little-Smug is teething and he is tossing and turning and restless. Or they both are sleeping great and Smug-Hub forgets to put on his mask or has it on, but it squeaks and wakes everyone. I can't win and I am seriously thinking that I want to run away and get a hotel room and sleep all by myself for a week!!!! Not seriously, since Little-Smug still needs to nurse at night, but as God is my witness, as soon as he weans, I am taking some Advil PM and locking myself in my room!!!!

In other news, I am still getting phone calls from all the people we owe money to and they are so confusing! It's like they think I might be kidding with them and keep offering me things, like lowering the payment from $340 to $250, like I might have that lying around! Then one guy asked if I was thinking about bankruptcy and when I told him that I guessed it would have to be an option at some point, he asked if I would like him to turn my account over to their bankruptcy department. When I asked him what that meant, he said that since I had told him I was thinking about bankruptcy, they had another department who might be able to help me more. What the heck does that mean?

I haven't heard back on ANY of the applications I have submitted - not one!! I just can't believe that there isn't something out there and I am feeling very defeated at the moment. Not that I could work a job in this sleep deprived state of madness!!

OK, end the post on a good note.... My husband picked flowers from a friend's rose bush for me last night. Just because he loves me and thought I would like them. So, I guess life is pretty good after all :)

Long Time!

Here I sit, in Starbucks... alone... for the first time in as long as I can remember. I am without my children and I have been applying for jobs :)

It has been a year since I was laid off and finally, the money has run out and we are facing the possibility of bankruptcy. I kept thinking that God would provide and something would present itself... I would be shown the way! Well, it hasn't and all the "leads" that I have thought would pan out haven't. It is time to be more proactive and think about ways to earn money that I haven't thought about yet. So, here I am applying for positions with the local fitness clubs and Starbucks and food service and everything else I can think of. I want to work the same hours that I used to work when I was with my old company. I loved having those hours in the adult world and I loved the bond that was created between Smug-Baby and Smug-Hub from their time together.

I am willing to do almost anything to avoid either returning to work full time or filing bankruptcy. Full time work would mean putting both kids in daycare and that just makes me sick! I want to raise my own children and I will scrub toilets if I have to in order to keep being their primary care giver.

The plan is to spend the next few weeks leaving the house in the mornings more and more often to get everyone in the family used to mama not being there, so that when I do get a job, it won't be traumatic for anyone. In all honesty, I am probably the only one who will have any real issues with this new chapter. I do have a complex that life can't work without me there to manage it :)

I think that I was grieving for my old job and my old company for a long time. I was holding out hope that they would call and want me back and I guess I still hope that. I loved my job and my co-workers and the hours and the fact that I'd been there forever and met my husband there. It was my home and my family and it still hurts not to belong anymore.

I also think that I was holding onto this notion that we would be fine on one income and frankly it is baffling to me that we can't! We don't have a huge mortgage and in fact, pay less than a lot of people pay in rent! We don't have expensive cars, we don't buy diapers or wipes or formula or pay for daycare. We don't leave lights on outside at night, water the yard or wash the cars. We don't go to clubs, concerts, movies or even out to eat often! How is it that every bill we have keeps going up - food, gas, insurance, electricity, etc.!?!?!

Or well, I guess I was just hoping that something would drop into my lap that would be the perfect thing. You know, like God was sending me something and I just needed to be open to it. Well, that didn't really work and now we are in a world of hurt and I need to find something to do to bring in money... fast!!

In addition to applying for every morning job I can think of, I am having time to myself. I didn't realize how much I needed a few moments to gather my thoughts. I need to write down/blog about my life and get things off my chest and with the little ones wanting to "help" mommy type, it isn't possible. However, having this quiet time in the morning has been rejuvenating to my soul and I have been more patient and loving with my sweet babies.

Wish me luck! The Wal-Mart web page just finally loaded so I'm off to apply for a deli position - I could make cakes and chicken salad at 5am!! Until tomorrow Blog-land!

Flat Iron

"Have you ever straightened your hair?" she asked. It took me a moment to realize that the lady at the mall kiosk was talking to me. Not only is my hair stick straight, I was walking along with a baby strapped to my chest and my arms full of shopping bags, purse and diaper bag. Once she had my attention, she guided me to a chair and started combing through my hair almost before I realized what was happening. Then she ran the flat iron through a section of hair and demonstrated how soft and shinny my hair instantly was. She showed me several curl options and showed me how even vigorous brushing wouldn't deflate the curl. Then she asked me if I wanted to buy it for $120!!!!!!! After my gasp of shock, she offered some additional items, like 5 free styles and free shampoo and dropping the price to $90. I walked away and didn't purchase it, mostly because I didn't have a credit card on me! I wanted that flat iron!!! I wanted it bad!!!

Why? Why would I want a flat iron when I rarely style my hair? I am lucky if I get a shower and I never have time to blow dry and would never have time to add another step of straightening my already straight hair. So why was I wanting to buy it so much?

I think that I really liked the idea of feeling good about myself again and I am really anxious to look in the mirror with something other than disgust! I don't feel good about myself, my face, my body - nothing! I have had two babies and they are my focus and I don't have issue with that. I am staying home with them and not going out in public much and I don't have an issue with that. I don't go out without my children and my Ergo is a featured part of my wardrobe and I don't have an issue with that either. But I don't feel good about myself either! It's been MANY years since any member of the opposite sex has taken a second look and years since I was carded at the grocery store and I feel like I look old and flabby and very unattractive.

That flat iron wasn't just a flat iron, it was a chance to look better and feel better about myself and it was a chance to recapture my womanhood and be less of the puke covered mommy I have become.

Why can't a mommy be a good full time mom and still be a woman too? Is there really not time in the day for both? I haven't found it.

I made a conscious choice to be mommy for now and put woman on the back burner, but now I am wondering if that wasn't the best choice. Is there a way to fit in both time for my kids and time to start feeling better about myself?

I realized that my husband has also noticed my lack of self awareness. I don't feel like a woman and a wife, I only feel like a mommy. I realized that he needs to help me reclaim some of the wife I left behind more than 3 years ago. He needs to help me take 30-60 minutes each day to workout. He can give me this time to help me lose the flab and start to feel stronger and fitter and more like my old self.

There is a mental component to exercise and while I think it's fine and even preferable to put my family first, I need what exercise gives me. I don't need a flat iron, I need my self-esteem back, I need my womanhood back, I need ME back.

Happy New Year to everyone and happy new beginnings to me!

Here is to a healthy, fit and overall happy 2013!!

Gentle Discipline

I have been reading (as much reading as I can do with a 110% full life) about gentle discipline and I really think that the concepts make a lot of sense, however I had been struggling with the execution. A lot of the ideas that I have come across are for older children and not a two-year old. The basic point is to do away with the punitive consequences without becoming permissive of "bad" behavior.

It was a lot harder when I was keeping my niece, because I think I was simply way outnumbered and Smug-Baby had to share me with everyone. It has been easier since I am down to just one child in addition to my own. I think that doing away with all the time-outs has really helped and I'm not really sure why. Also, trying to take some deep breath's and remember that I am the adult and she is the child and if she is having a meltdown, then there is something going on in her little world.

I haven't had a screaming meltdown of my own in a long time :)

I have been trying to read a chapter each evening just to help keep the principles and ideals fresh in my head. I have found that by asking Smug-Baby how she is feeling helps her to calm down. Sometimes, she can't put it into words and responds when I try to help her by telling her that she is feeling frustrated or sad or disappointed.

The whole basis of gentle discipline is kindness and firmness. Being firm in what I expect of her but done in a kind way. As an example, the other afternoon, she woke from her nap and told me she was hungry. I gave her a few options for lunch and she choose a scrambled egg. By the time I had the egg on the plate for her, she had decided that she wanted french toast instead. I explained that I had made her the egg like she had asked and she needed to eat that. She cried and threw the plate on the floor. Without getting angry (and I really wasn't mad, I didn't need to hide my anger) I told her that I was sorry that she had changed her mind, but she had to eat the eggs and I picked them up on and put them back on the plate for her. I would have made her pick them up, but she was hysterical and I didn't think it was the time for that lesson. Over the next several hours, she would come to me asking for food and I would give her the eggs.

At one point, she was crying but said she would eat the eggs, however, as she started to eat them, she started gagging and choking and spitting them all over the floor along with her water cup. I did give her the dish towel and had her clean up the water, while I picked up the spit out eggs and tossed them. I cuddled her until she finished crying and was calm, then I put her in front of the eggs again. She refused to eat them.

Finally, as I was prepping dinner, she climbed up to the table and ate most of the eggs. Without comment, without crying. While she was eating them, I heated up french toast (she had been asking for them all day) and as she finished the eggs, I laid the toast in front of her and she ate that too. I hugged her and kissed her and told her I was proud of her for eating the eggs and thanked her for not wasting food.

I never got mad, yelled, jerked her around or anything like that. And, I really wasn't mad, it wasn't like I needed to count to 10 or anything, I was totally calm and in control the whole time. It was like I knew that this was a pivotal lesson for her and my whole job was to make sure that she learned it the way I wanted her to. I didn't want to let her think that she was getting to me, or that she could get her way with enough crying, and that really helped in keeping myself calm. It was stressful and a long, unhappy afternoon and I wouldn't want to do it every day, but it was a success in the end.

My children need to trust me and know that I mean what I say. They need to trust me, and if they can't trust me to not lie to them about little things and that I will follow through when I say something, how will they trust me with the big things that they will face in their lives? That kind of trust starts now, when they are very small.

I try never to yell at Smug-Baby, because I want her to know that a yell from me is very serious, like don't run out into the road serious. I don't want her to learn to tune me out because I yell all the time. I want her to know that there are rules that must be followed, so I have to follow them myself. So, now, I only eat on the couch when she is sleeping :)

My children are not just children, they are future adults and they need to know how to behave, how to treat others and most importantly what is acceptable treatment for them to receive from others. That's my job!

 

Flying Low

Maybe it's just that people with small children aren't supposed to have sparkling clean homes, but I have really been feeling discouraged this week. I am kept jumping almost all day long just to keep up with the daily "have to do's" and I am not anywhere closer to fitting in even one 15 minutes zone cleaning session each day or anything physical each day.

When I set the timer and start trying to organize something like my bathroom drawers, Smug-Baby wants to "help" and ends up dumping out everything I have just gotten straight, or she has a mental melt-down and I have to hold and rock her until she is feeling herself again, or Little-Smug wants to nurse or is tired of playing in his swing or is unhappy being worn because I'm not moving around enough.

I downloaded some workout videos, abs, butt, and chest, to my phone, each one takes less than 10 minutes and isn't too complex. Except, when I start doing push-ups, Smug-Baby climbs onto my back. When I start doing bridge lifts (for the butt) she lies across my chest and when I start doing crunches, she starts to cry and needs me to hold her hand. Its almost like she can sense that I am going to do something for myself and since that would make me happy, she has to put an end to it.

The treadmill is downstairs and the only time that I have to run or walk is in the early mornings before Smug-Hub leaves for work. This means getting up before everyone else after not getting a good nights sleep because Little-Smug is waking to nurse 10+ times in the night, Smug-Baby comes into our room at some point and that wakes me up and Smug-Hub stays up late and when he comes to bed, that wakes me up too. Not to mention, Smug-Baby kicks sometimes and Smug-Hub snores!!

OK, so I have to get up early, by 6:00am at least, say I do that, I still have to get downstairs without waking anyone. Currently, Little-Smug doesn't like to sleep unless my boob is smashed into his face, so within 15 minutes of my getting out of bed, he's up. This would be fine, except that Smug-Hub sleeps like the dead and wouldn't wake up if the poor boy were crying! The crying would, however, wake Smug-Baby and then she would be in a crap-tastic mood all morning!

I actually speak from experience on this! Smug-Hub would have to get up (and stay up, which is the bigger issue) to be available for the kids and he doesn't seem capable of this.

Now, for the bright side; in about 18 short months, my son will be to the stage my daughter is now. She is currently playing on her own for longer stretches that allow me time for tasks not focused completely on her. When my son also reaches this stage in his development, and my daughter is even more self-sufficient, then I will have a lot more time to devote to my home and myself.

18 months isn't that long a time and do I really want to spend this very short, little baby time in my son's life on a cleaning routine? The dirt will still be there waiting for me when he is a bit older. My body will still have the ability to get back into shape.

Other good news? I am really getting comfortable with my morning, afternoon and evening routines that keep the clutter at bay and the cockroaches out of my kitchen. The house looks mostly decent, if not deeply clean, we have clean clothes, clean dishes and a clean place to bathe.

So, I am still flying, I am still going to keep up with my daily tasks and keep my house clutter free (mostly) and fairly clean. I am still going to keep my eyes and mind open to any spaces of free time that present themselves to dig into a deeper task that needs doing. But the change comes in my mindset. I choose to have a less than pristine home. I choose to have a flabby body. I choose to spend this amazing, fleeting time while my children are very small soaking up their newness, bathing in their development and floating in their love.

My Son

When Smug-Baby was born, I posted almost daily about her progress and monthly updates of what she was doing and any milestones for that month. Here it is, the day before my son turns 5 months old and I haven't posted even one month about him and how he is doing and growing.

I'm ashamed! I swore I wouldn't be the typical parent who takes thousands of pictures of the first child and none of the second. I wouldn't be the mom who filled up the baby book for the first and didn't even buy one for the second. But that is just what I have become. I'm too busy and too tired and all the other excuses... That being said,

My son is one super amazing kid! He asks so little of me, hardly ever cries and sits happily while I get stuff down around the house. He is currently fighting some mucus and is coughing a bit and has a slightly runny nose. He is also being very fussy the last few days, drooling and chewing on everything, so I feel like teething may be upon us.

He is still sleeping really well at night, waking only to latch on and never is even really awake, just eyes closed, searching for the breast. He rolled over for the first time on September 8th and has started pushing himself around the floor by a mixture of rolling and scooting on his head!

He is such a happy baby and smiles at everyone. He does this little shy guy thing, where he will look at someone, smile and then turn his head into my shoulder like he is shy and flirty. It's totally cute!

He will reach up and grab my face when I lean in for kisses and suck on my cheeks or nose, whatever he can angle into his mouth. When he gets really hungry and I get him latched on to nurse, he will always suck really hard for a few seconds and then pull off to smile at me with love and appreciation. This often results in him getting a face full of squirting milk, but he doesn't care :)

 

Learning to Fly

Well, I have been working on my routines and creating my control journal for the last few weeks and its coming along nicely. By that, I mean that I am getting myself in the habit of things and working on my "hot spots" (areas that tend to collect clutter and/or are especially getting on my nerves). I have been working on adding one or two new items to the morning, afternoon or even routines to help incorporate that item into my daily life and help make it a habit.

The biggest thing that I was nervous about was trying to jump in with both feet and then getting burned out. It doesn't sound like much to do 15 minutes a day in some area of your house, but add to that a morning routine that includes scrubbing the shower walls and cleaning the toilet and an afternoon routine that includes a clutter check (running around the house picking up toys and other items out of place) and an after dinner routine that includes sweeping the kitchen floor and running the swiffer in the bathroom floor and it gets to be a bit overwhelming. So, I started with the evening routine first, creating just what I wanted to include and did only that for a week. Once it seemed like it was working OK (it did require some tweaking to get it to fit into our lives just right), I moved on to the morning routine and created that just the way I wanted it and did that for a week or so.

Then, I started putting things down on paper and started typing up my checklists and working on a daily plan. I created Zones for my house (they are different than the way FlyLady set up her zones, but my zones work for my house and my plans). These are the different areas of the house that I will focus on during a given week. For example, Zone 6 is the car and the garage and will include cleaning out the trash from the car and washing the car and cleaning the junk out of the garage and hopefully purging unneeded items and so on. This means that every 6th week, my car and garage will be getting clean. This 6 week rotation means that every area of my house will be getting a deeper cleaning and organizing every 6 weeks. The goal is that after a few rotations, the areas will be/stay organized and the time spent on the area will get shorter.

The goal is to have a home that is mostly always clean and organized as well as having routines in place that make it like your home almost cleans itself. For example, my bathroom. I am never going to clean my bathroom again. This is because, as part of my morning routine, I scrub the shower walls while I am letting conditioner soak into my hair. It takes about 90 seconds. After I get out of the shower, I wipe down the sink and counter. After I am dressed, I wipe down the outside of the toilet and put cleaner into the bowl. All this takes about 2 minutes. As part of the evening routine, I scrub out the tub, this is because Smug-Baby hates hair and all things "yucky" in her bath, so this cleans the tub daily and removes any hair and whatnot from Smug-Hub's and my showers that morning. While she is in the bath I run the swiffer vacuum over the bathroom floor. Scrubbing the tub takes 45 seconds and another 60 seconds on the floor and my bathroom has been totally cleaned and is clean each day and build up never happens. Noe, on Monday's I have as my daily task to clean the mirror (45 seconds) and wipe the base of the toilet (30 seconds). That's it, a matter of a few seconds daily and I never have to clean my bathroom!

My daily breakdown includes time to work on my daily task (something that has to get done that particular day, like collecting the trash on Tuesday's or washing diapers on Wednesday's) as well as two 15 minute slots to work on that week's zone. I have my day broken down into a loose routine for various sections of the day; example: 9:30-11:30, spend 15 minutes on daily task, spend 15 minutes on the weekly zone, snack for the kids, clean up snack, change diapers before nap time. It certainly doesn't take 2 solid hours to complete these thing, but my life needs a lot of open time to spend playing with and cuddling the children in my life.

My goal for this week has been to add water back into my day. I realized that I have only been going pee once or twice during the day and given that I am a nursing mother, I need a whole lot more water than a sip here and there. So, I set alarms on my phone to remind me to drink water several times during the day. The hope is that this too will become habit.

I have a few more things to add into my life. I haven't started working on my zones yet. I have them worked out and the checklists created, but haven't started them That starts next week, now that I have the other routines under my belt. I also need to get back into a workout plan. I had been walking the treadmill in the mornings, but then the treadmill got covered with junk :)

The goal this weekend is to get the downstairs room clean enough that the treadmill is usable and start walking daily next week.

Once I incorporate the zone cleaning and the working out, my plan of action will be complete!

The nice thing about this plan is that, if I have to skip a day on wiping down the bathroom sink for example, I just pick up again the next day without it causing a huge backlog or making me totally behind. The zones are designed to be worked on in repeat. As in, if you don't complete everything on the checklist for that zone by the end of the week, you just pick up where you left off the next time that zone comes around.

A plan like this is very forgiving and if you fall off one day or week, just pick back up where you left off. Eventually, you will get to everything and get where you want to be. Give it time!!

Control Journal

One of the things that FlyLady suggests, that I am currently working on, is to create a Control Journal. This should contain a calender, the detailed cleaning check sheets for the various "Zones", morning and before bed routines (and other routines that you find helpful), a daily schedule checklist, and anything else that you find helpful to have at your fingertips. I am going to include my 25 meal dinner rotation, breakfast and lunch rotations, a master grocery list and the bedtime routines for the kids. FlyLady suggests keeping a list of important birthdays, addresses and inspirational quotes in the control journal too. I also think that I am going to create a personal care checklist too, to make sure that I'm getting enough greens, fruit, water and take my vitamins. A workout checklist would make a good addition too.

I have a three-ring binder and I think that once I get my hand-written routines and checklists ironed out and just the way I want them, I'll type everything up and have the pages laminated so I check things off with a dry erase marker and re-use them over and over.

As for getting myself started, I am still making sure that the sink is shinny before I go to bed! I am working on trying out the various routines and schedules and seeing what works and what doesn't to make sure that I am setting realistic goals and tasks for myself.

I feel so much more productive just working on a plan of action! I'm excited about getting this house back into an organized and clean place. I think that with having all the kids here during the day make it hard to get things done or keep things cleaned up. Having small sections of time (only 15 minutes at a go) set aside for the housework is helpful as I don't feel like I'm neglecting either my house or the children.

We are going to visit Smug-Hub's family soon, and I hope to have my routines and checklists ironed out so when we get back I can jump in with both feet and really make a dent in this dirty house! I hope to enlist Smug-Hub's help to give the house a good once over cleaning this weekend so I can work on the deeper stuff and keeping up with the new routines when we get back.

On the sleeping front with Smug-Baby, she is going to sleep better than she was. I'm not sure why, but I have been trying to get her outside some each day to let her run off energy and I'm also putting her down for a nap later and bedtime later than I had been. Also, since I'm not sick anymore I have a lot more patience than I had a week or so ago. Maybe all these things are combining to help her sleep better.

I want to get some soft classical music CD's and play music for her while we read night time books and she falls asleep. I think that this will help not only relax her some for sleep, it will also create a noise barrier so she won't jerk wide awake at every household noise.

I'm not feeling like I'm 100% yet, but it feels good to have an action plan and be feeling like there a light at the end of this recent tunnel of feeling overwhelmed.

FLYing - Day 1

I was visiting with my friend this weekend and she mentioned Flylady.net. I had never heard about this site, but when it was described to me, I knew I had to look into it further! Basically, its a get organized plan, but breaks thing down into small manageable tasks and you start off with one new habit a day for the first month. The first day is simply to shine your sink. But it is way more than just shining your sink, its a small step toward starting fresh! You take a good long time to clean out the sink, soak it with bleach and scrub it out, but then it really does shine and you are filled with this desire to keep it looking that way!

Yesterday morning, I shined my sink! I cleaned up the kitchen and strove to keep it clean all day. By the time I went to bed last night, the whole kitchen was clean, the dishwasher was running and the pots and overflow dishes washed and put away,the stove and counter tops wiped, the sink was shiny and the floor swept. I felt such a sense of accomplishment!! It has been a long time since I really felt like I was on the path to getting things together and into a workable routine!

I also spent some time working on several "to do" lists for various routines throughout the day. For example, a morning routine, an after dinner routine and a before bed routine. I also started working out a more strict routine for Smug-Baby's bedtime. It a start!

I have been feeling really dejected lately with the state of the house and the lack of routines in our house. It has caused me to feel depressed and like I am under a huge weight that I can't get out from under. I also feel like most of what I do try to get done is a waste because as soon as I, say, clean under the dining room table, some small person needs to eat again and under the table is covered in crumbs again. Why even bother?

Today's new habit is to continue to keep the kitchen sink shiny as well as to get dressed fully, down to shoes. The thinking behind this habit is to make you feel ready for the day! I am excited to get back on the path of organization and running my home!

Life as I know it

So, life has gotten a bit complex and I am still adjusting to all the new aspects and struggling with my schedule, but overall it has been working pretty well! I am keeping both my niece and my neighbor's son during the day now and keeping them all happy and fed and getting naps and so on with an infant in tow is sometimes so hard I don't know if I will make it minute to minute. I am trying to get into a regimented schedule so that everyone learns the routine and doesn't fight me on it.

I am trying to find balance between face time with the kids, quality time with Smug-Baby, time for Little-Smug to be out of the carrier and having his own quality time, and still keep the house from falling down around my ears.

I set it up so that I have one or two housework things to do each day. I make sure that when the older kids are napping, I have Little-Smug out of the carrier and he has some naked butt time and some coo and talk with mama time. He also gets this when Smug-Baby has her nightly bath too. My neighbor's son naps between 10 and 10:30 and sleeps a really long time, like until 1!! I get the girls down around 11:30-12:00 and they sleep until about 1. After everyone is up, we all have lunch and play inside or out. The little man is picked up about 2 and Smug-Niece isn't picked up until much later, so I try to use the time with just the two of them to play and tickle and chase them around the house or take them outside to the swing set. Then, I get started on dinner. I try to get Smug-Baby's dinner finished and her into the bath by about 6:45 and then we settle down in her room and read books until Smug-Hub gets home. He takes over with Little-Smug and I turn off the lights and lay with Smug-Baby until she is asleep. The goal is to have her asleep by 8. This gives Smug-Hub and I a few hours to be together and hang out with Little-Smug and I try to get into bed by about 10, provided Little-Smug is sleeping by then :)

I was talking with several other moms and reading about what works and doesn't work for others so I thought that I would post my weekly schedule in the hopes that some of what I have found to work will work for others.

I try to start the day with a walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes, I generally only do 2-3 times a week because depending on the way the night went, if I need the extra sleep I want to be allowed to take it. After my walk, I shower and get myself dressed. Then I work on getting the kids up and dressed for the day and start on breakfast. My sister is generally here before I have breakfast on the table and we chat for a bit before she heads out and my neighbor's son arrives. I try to front load the mornings and get my daily "chores" out of the way early. This way, if things kind of fall apart, I have the whole day to play catch up.

Monday - this is laundry day, I wash all the sheets and towels weekly and the rugs monthly. I also wash the kitchen washcloths and towels and drying pads. As a side note, I also run a load during the week whenever a basket gets full to help keep from spending the day doing 8-10 loads!! Monday is also the day I work on putting up the food from the CSA we got over the weekend. I cut and steam and otherwise prep the veggies and put them in freezer bags. I also spend some time working with the menus for the week, getting the veggies we are eating that week ready. Like chopping carrots and measuring out what I need for a recipe and so on. Monday is my biggest day of the week.

Tuesday - This is trash day (well, its Wednesday, but has to be taken down Tuesday evening). I collect all the cans from all over the house and I take out the weekly recycling. This is also the day I clean out anything spoiled from the fridge and go through paperwork and mail that I may not have gotten to so I have as much of the clutter and trash picked up and taken out.

Wednesday - I wash  diapers and make up wipes on Wednesday. I use cloth diapers and wipes and the wipes live in a nice wipe warmer. I make up a solution of olive oil, baby wash and hot water. Then I soak the wipes in the solution and fill the warmer. I wash the cloth diapers, by running them through a cold rinse, than a hot wash and lastly a hot rinse before drying and then putting all the inserts into the pockets and putting everything away.

Thursday - I clean the bathrooms on Thursday. We have two, but the guest bath I only really clean monthly because it isn't used much at all. This involves, the toilet, the tub, sink and mirror. I don't clean the floor because I do all the floors on Friday. This is a hard day, because I don't want the kids part of cleaning since there are chemicals, but I don't want to do it during the naps because 1) this is my only time each day for fun play time with my son and to eat my own lunch and 2) the bathroom is right between the bedrooms where everyone is sleeping and I worry that it would wake them.

Friday - I clean the floors which involves vacuuming the carpets and sweeping and mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors. I also dust everything. This is kind of the big house cleaning day, even though it doesn't take long. I do try to run the sweeper in the kitchen every evening and will vacuum if something is really looking bad and I know that I should be vacuuming more often with all the kids, but time is valuable and some days it just doesn't happen, but Friday is the day and everything gets cleaned. This is also my frustrating day, because within about 9 seconds of mopping the kitchen, someone has gotten crumbs all over the place and within about 2.3 seconds of vacuuming the dining room (BTW - who's messed up idea was it to put carpet in the dining room of this house?!?!?!?) someone has dropped potato salad!

This allows to to spend most of the weekend having quality time with my family and not doing house work. I still grocery shop on the weekends and do another load of diapers and wipes, but my biggest goal for the weekend if fun family time all together. We can get together with the grandparents or go on a day trip or just sit around and watch cartoons!

I'm tired just reading through all that! I have a lot of frustration with this stuff sometimes and I have a breakdown and do some crying just about every week, but I try to remember that the trying times will pass and I am able to be home with my children and raise them just how I want to and with that comes challenges. I don't always keep my cool with my daughter as she seems to know just what to do to send me into orbit, but I always try. I'm not perfect and I know I do some stuff totally wrong. I can only try and remember that this hard moment will pass and I will make it though.
 

Cleared

I have been cleared by the doctor and my son is officially 6 weeks old so I can resume normal activities including exercise! I plan on getting the treadmill over here in the next few days (since my MIL is still here and the treadmill is going to take up a lot of "her" room, I don't want to get it until she leaves) and I have a line on a free mom and kid fitness class at a local park on Thursday's. I also want to plan on getting outside in the evenings with the kids for an after dinner walk or something.

I have also been giving a lot of thought to meal and snack planning and daily activities. I really like the idea of getting back to my daily and weekly task lists and I want to start incorporating some learning activities for Smug-Baby too. I would like to have some scheduled time to work on letters and numbers and colors along with some music (both dancing to and playing some instruments) and some cooking. She is getting old enough to help in the kitchen!

I am also going to keep Smug-Niece this coming week as a trial and may be keeping her long term so I want to have some activities to stimulate their little minds and keep them out of trouble :) I am also in talks to maybe keep my neighbor's son in the fall and if I end up keeping both, I will need to have some structure in place to keep things running smoothly.

I am also thinking about how to make my family's meals way more healthy without spending hours in the kitchen or having to purchase oddball, expensive ingredients! I would love to get Smug-Baby helping make her afternoon snack each day and have it be something I can be proud to have her eat! I have to find some time to get myself organized and set up for success, but I have all these wonderful ideas of how to sneak veggies into meals and snacks as well as using my CSA food for better applications.

In an ideal world, my day will look something like this:

Monday:
6-8am Treadmill, Yoga, Feed Little-Smug, shower and get dressed
8-9am Make, eat and clean up breakfast (brush teeth and take vitamins)
9-9:30 Collect, sort and start laundry
9:30-10 Do number sheets (coloring, counting songs, etc.)
10-11 Play together and work on laundry
11-12 Make, eat and clean up lunch
12-1 Get children down for naps
1-2 Mommy free time (blog, catch up on reader, pay bills, make phone calls, etc.)
2-3 Make a snack together for the kids
3-4 Play music (dancing and playing instruments)
4-5 Finish laundry and put everything away
5-6 Make, eat and clean up dinner
6-7 Straighten up the house and finish anything still outstanding
7-8 Bath, brush teeth and get everyone ready for bed
8-9 Reading books and other calm activities before bed
9-10 Everyone to sleep!

Meals:
Breakfast - Steal Cut Oats, fruit, and toast
Lunch - leftovers for me, PB and banana, applesauce and cucumbers for the kids
Dinner - Indian Shepard's Pie (with carrot and beet puree), Salad
Dessert - Raspberry Oat Bars (with squash puree)

The goal is to complete something educational and physical for the kids, make and eat healthy, low junk meals with a large variety of veggies, complete a household cleaning task to keep the house clean and straight, and include some structured exercise for me each day. I think that seems fairly doable and well rounded as well as providing ample time to complete tasks. 

Like I said, I need to put some time and energy into creating menus and "lesson" plans and the like, but I am so excited to be fully able to do whatever I want!!

Aching for Exercise

I have a few more weeks until I can be cleared to be fully normal and recovered from the birth of Little-Smug and I am chomping at the bit to be able to incorporate exercise back into my daily schedule. I want to take daily walks with mom and the kids, I want to bike some, I want to start running on the treadmill and I want to try out the weekly mom's exercise group!!

I normally don't care much for exercise, but I think that not being allowed to do it makes me want to do it all the more! Also, I have gotten sick. I have had a nasty sore throat and horrible headache for several days and have now developed a runny nose and cough. I know that it is stress and lack of sleep and the overarching adjustment of new life that has lowered my immunity. I know that getting through the next few weeks and being cleared for normal activity will help me immensely.

My husband's mother is here visiting for the next several weeks and while she is a great help with both the stuff around the house and with the children, Smug-Baby's behavior has gotten a lot worse since MIL's arrival. I remember my mother complaining when I was a child that when we had company, us kids always took that opportunity to act up and act out and were just terrible and she lamented that people must believe that she was raising horribly behaved children when we were normally such good kids who were polite, helpful and nice to each other. I feel like Smug-Baby's behavior is about the same thing, she is testing me and Grandma to see what she can get away with. She is also working on her last molar and that has been horrible.

Little-Smug is VERY sensitive to dairy. I had some cheese on my eggs on Sunday and within a few hours he crying a lot, spitting up more and just very fussy. A few days later and he is still fussy and has developed a stuffed up nose and goopy eye. He may also be sensitive to soy, so I am working on making sure that I am cutting dairy out completely and soy as much as I can. I hate that he is feeling badly because I wasn't strong enough to say no to some cheese!!

We are heading out of town this weekend and it will be Little-Smug's first long trip but I hope that it will be worth it. It will be the first time the family will meet him and I am really looking forward to showing him off! My MIL will come with us and I know that everyone will love to see her and she will enjoy the colorful ways of my family!!

When we get back we will have about a week more of my MIL's visit and then once she has gone home and I am cleared for exercise, I will work on a daily and weekly schedule and start getting myself into a routine that makes me happy!!!

Stay at Home Mom

This is the 4th week of being the mother of two children and I finally feel like I am starting to get into a routine and things are settling down a bit. The days are still tough but more manageable. I am still feeling a little cooped up but getting out for story time, Melody Makers and a mommy's group this week have helped and I think that having things to do has given me more of a feeling of purpose. It has helped me to be more productive at home too.

Now that I have almost a month of post-natal recovery under my belt I feel more comfortable pushing myself a little bit and doing a little bit more. That has helped with my frustration level, which in turn has helped my level of patience with Smug-Baby.

Speaking of Smug-Baby, today she was playing in the tub and suddenly she grabbed her face and started screaming. I grabbed her and asked her to use my finger to show me where it hurt. She pointed to her cheek and I surmised that her last two-year molar is finally starting to cut through. She has done this, grabbing her face and screaming thing several times today and I feel so badly for her. I gave her some medicine to help and she is now napping. I wonder if this pain is why she hasn't been sleeping well and been so cranky.

Little-Smug is just amazing! He is so calm, rarely cries and has never had a total meltdown or scream-fest. He doesn't seem to mind that Smug-Baby covers him in kisses! He nurses well and sleeps well and even rides in his car seat well most of the time. I never thought Smug-Baby was a high-needs or difficult baby, but Little-Smug is SO much less work!! Nothing bothers this kid!!

As for me, I'm anxious to get back to full strength and full energy. I want to put together a workout plan, start walking with mom, biking with dad and maybe even starting a running regimen. Dad has a treadmill that is collecting dust in the garage and I think that I will ask about borrowing it for a while. I want to get into shape! I know that I have been struggling to do that all my life but I now have aches and pains I didn't have before, and I have two really small children that I need to keep up with, so I really need to get to a place physically where I can do that!