I have a Peanut!!

OH MY GOD!! It is really real - I have a little life growing inside me! I can hardly believe it! I am so happy!

OK - I have to go throw up now :)

Today, The Day I Have Been Waiting For

Today we see the doctor for the first time and we have the first ultrasound. I am very anxious to see the baby and perhaps hear the heartbeat. Mostly, I am looking for the doctor to tell us that the baby is strong, healthy, whole and developing correctly, right on schedule. I want to hear that everything is normal and fine and there are no problems. I know that even with this reassurance that things could still go wrong, but I know that this visit will put my mind at great ease.

This weekend was horrible! Actually, Saturday was OK. I did a bike ride with Dad and then did some yard sales with Mom until I was totally beat. I ate and took a nap and ate again and then I was able to shower and get the house straightened up just a bit and then I rested the remainder of the day.

Sunday, I got out of bed long enough to eat and then went back to bed. I felt horrible all day and I could not get out of it. I did manage to get all the laundry done, but that was it - totally it! I wanted to get together with Sassy and kept waiting for the horrible to pass, but it never did.

Today has been almost as bad so far. I know that not getting good sleep affects how badly I feel and my husband did not come to bed until 2:45, a whole hour before the alarm goes off for me. I was not really able to get back to sleep and as a result, I have felt like dog poo all morning. I still have 5 hours and 20 minutes until I can leave work for the doctor, so I have to keep moving along and hope that I can keep eating every few hours and keep all that food down.

I feel like the barf is right there, waiting in the wings and it could spring to center stage any second, without warning. I know that is gross, but its the truth.

I am slightly angry with my dear husband. He feels so helpless and keeps asking what he can do to help me feel better and the only thing that I have asked of him is that he come to bed by midnight, so I will be in a deep sleep and thus will not wake up and be awake all night long. He seems unable to do this.

I had a long and cutting conversation with him in my head while driving to work this morning, and have pretty much decided not to go with that version verbatim, but I do need to express to him how important sleep is to keeping the morning sickness under control and ask him to love me and the baby enough to put us first.

This mornings thoughts including calling him lots of names and accusing him of being selfish and not ready to be a father if he can't think about others at all. I thought about telling him how bad the lack of sleep is for himself and how if he does not even love himself enough to attempt to take care of him, how can I expect him to give a crap about me or his child. I was really pissed, I hate feeling like crap and knowing that it might not have been as bad if he had done as I asked.

I also asked him to fold the last load of laundry and he did not do that either.

Dolly Parton Meets Linda Blair

So, morning sickness continues all day, everyday. Actually the middle of the day is generally my best time; not that I feel good mind you, I am just not normally hanging over the toilet or whimpering with the constant nausea. The mornings are horrible generally and the evenings are sucking great big ass. I tend to toss the ole cookies mostly at night, fun stuff!!

Not getting good sleep also seems to lend itself to feeling worse. My dead-beat brother called at midnight Friday night to ask for money to bail his girlfriend out of jail where she had been taken after being charged with assaulting her grandfather. Classy right? He tells me that the grandfather is senile and forgets things and has beaten her up several times and this time she fought back and he called the police. Being that I am a bit of a push over, my husband met up with my brother to give him $100, which was all I could spare and my brother promised to pay me back on Saturday once his paycheck had cleared the bank.

I woke up when he called and I felt so sick, that I ended up not being able to get back to sleep and only getting about 2 hours, so I was massively sick all night and all the next day. He never called to bring me money or check on how I was feeling.

This weekend was Smug-Sisters wedding picnic/cookout to celebrate her marriage. We had tons of people in from out of town, including one couple and their child that stayed with us. My grandparents from FL were in town and so on. I hated feeling so badly and heading home to rest all the time, but everyone seemed to understand. I still felt bad about not being any help to Smug-Sister or spending more time with my grandparents and other family.

I am glad that the weekend is over and everyone is headed home and I can go back to being my whinny, sick, feeling lousy self. I tried to watch movies last night and keep my mind off feeling like crap, but it did not really work.

I called my brother and told him to bring the money by my house before 8:30 last night (Sunday), he said that he would. He never showed.

Here is the thing about giving him money. I don't do it for him, I do it because I feel better knowing that I did what I could to help someone in need. I don't even do it thinking that he will pay me back, but it still hurts me deeply when over and over again he uses me.

I told him I was sick (did not tell him why) he has never called to check on me or offer to pick up soup or anything. He is too involved with himself and his own life to care one tiny speck for anyone else.

Bra Woes

I was feeling like my bra was getting way uncomfortable today. I started thinking that I was going to have to get a new bra. I did not think that my boobs had gotten that much bigger so far. I even went to the bathroom to check them out in the mirror - they look pretty normal!

Then I suddenly realized that the underwire in both sides had poked through the material and was stabbing me in armpits! Once I shoved them back where they belong, everything felt fine!

I probably still need to get a new bra, this one obviously has issues.

So...

I will be 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am deep into morning sickness, wondering how there are ever siblings! I can't imagine going through this again and I doubt that my morning sickness has gotten as bad as it will get or is has bad as the morning sickness that others experience.

I tend to get sick to my stomach at the drop of a hat. If I am nervous, excited, scared, worried - you name it, I get sick to my stomach. So, there is a lot of all those emotions running through me all the time, so add to that all the pregnancy hormones and you get one sickly chick!

We are not telling anyone yet. I say that, but we have told a few close friends and all the immediate family. I have one friend that I have been dying to talk to, but she must be really, really busy because I have not heard from her a while :(

My sweet husband is feeling really helpless and wants so badly to help me somehow and there is really nothing he can do. I asked him to get club soda for me (burping by any means is my new best friend), anyway, it took him like almost an hour to run down to the store and back. He ended up going to three stores, each progressively further away and each store did not have club soda. By the time he got back I was a mess and I know he felt badly about it. Not his fault, but still.

I have noticed that my pants are not buttoning as easily as this week progresses, despite I have lost 3 pounds. There is a tiny little pooch (yes, I know that I have a pooch normally) but this pooch does not fall flat when I am laying on my back. This pooch is my new little child!

I have a ton of fears and worries about what could still happen to this pregnancy or am I good enough to be a mom, to have all the responsibility for this little life. What is I go crazy and kill my child, or just be negligent and let her fall in a pool? What is she has a birth defect? All these fears are really crowding me, so I have put down all the books and stopped watching baby stuff on TV. I think that I just need to concentrate on getting through morning sickness, the first prenatal visit, and the first trimester before I start obsessing on how to decorate the baby's room, let along on how many things could go wrong and how badly I could screw this kid up!

It is hard not to tell people, but harder when I think about before having to tell everyone all over again that we had lost the pregnancy. We have been trying for so long and I know that everyone at work, school, all the extended family everyone would be so excited and thrilled for us, but I can't tell them, not until I see that little heartbeat, beating strongly!!

Smug-Sister is having her wedding reception thing this weekend (she and her husband eloped in December, but wanted to have a low key picnic to celebrate in the summer). I am really not sure that I am going to be able to attend, the smells of any cooking food send me to the toilet, I can't imagine dealing with all the cookout smells, the heat (it is going to be 94 degrees), and all the people. Lots of out of town family will be there and we will even have one couple and their son staying with us. I have already accepted the fact that I will have to tell them, since they are not dumb and will figure it out.

My mom's parents will be here and it may be the last time I see them and will for sure be the only time to tell them about the baby, so I will tell them too. That will pretty much take care of everyone except the aunts and uncles - who am I kidding, everyone is going to figure it out the first time I Ralph all over the picnic table!

Wish me luck everyone!

Confessions of a Dairy-aholic

I love cheese! I mean, I really LOVE cheese. I would eat cheese on everything. I love all types of cheese from those processed slices that make the best grilled cheese, to the high end cheeses from all around the world.

The problem is that I have stomach issues when I eat too much cheese. Add to that sour cream, cream cheese, milk and everything else that contains trace (and not so trace) amounts of dairy, and you get a chick who is sick to her stomach almost all the time.

So, I decided to become a vegan. I have been trying on and off to stay dairy-free since January, but really only the last 4 weeks have I been completely dairy free. Until this past Sunday...

I took myself to see two movies at the theatre (I know, I was gluttonous), but I got hungry between them and broke down and got nachos. I wasn't really all that hungry and I didn't even want them that much, but I got them anyway.

They weren't very good and I was sorry that I had wasted my splurge on them, but the real problem is that now I can't seem to stop again. I have eaten Watergate salad, potato salad, apple pie, and ice cream all since Sunday. I don't really want any of these items, and it is not like I am going "oh, how I have missed you, you taste SOOO good" or anything. We have just had people over and these items were sitting there and I ate them.

Now for the fallout. I have felt sick to my stomach the last several mornings, have had gas and direrea and the like since Sunday night. I don't want to eat anymore dairy, but it is sitting in my fridge and I don't have the money that will allow me to let that food go bad. Now, my husband will eat some of it too, but I am not going to waste food.

I am going to eat the food that we have and recommit myself back to my non-dairy ways. It is almost like I feel that since I "messed up" on Sunday the whole week is ruined so I might as well pig out, get it all out of my system and start fresh next week. The problem with this is the whole addiction thing - what if I can't stop?

Not Much...

Well, I keep thinking that I need to update my blog, but then I can't think of much to write about. Not much as happened.

I did see the doctor about scheduling some testing for infertility. I hope that this will be an unneccessary gesture. My husband and I have commited to not letting anything get in the way of trying this coming month. We tend to get busy or tired and rely on the ovulation test to tell us when to try. But we are thinking that we need to commit to a schedule of every other day from days 10 to 20. I really believe that we are just missing the timing factor. We got pregnant before, we can do it again!

The lease on my car is almost over and I decided that I really wanted a Mini Cooper, I drove one thinking that I would find it too small and cramped, but I LOVED it! Then my husband attempted to drive it and could hardly fit, then he pointed out that we would not be able to fit a baby carseat and a stroller in the car at the same time, let alone any luggage for a trip or even groceries for that matter. I relucktantly turned my attention to testing other cars and ended up really liking a Jetta above all others. So, I bought it!! I will have 2 months of overlapping payments, but I held back enough of the down payment money to cover the first two months of payments, so I think that I was smart about it.

Also, while looking for a car for me, we stumbled upon a little Toyota truck for my husband. We had enough in savings to pay for it outright, so that was a great stroke of luck, only one car payment, but back to having two cars!!

I did my final individual presentation in my Finance class last week. I worked really hard on it and was pleased when the instructor did not interupt me much. He is the kind of guy that will never give anyone 100%, because that says to him that there is no room for improvement, and he feels that there is always room for improvement. Anyway, the presentation was worth 25 points, he gave me 24.9 points - this means that I am a tenth of a percent away from perfection!! I love that idea!!

I have also done all the homework for the remaining three classes, which is a huge load off my mind, and also means that besides for the last group presentation, which we are all finished with and just need to present this week, I only have to worry about the final exam! Three more weeks until my long awaited 7 week vacation from school! I have been making all these plans, but I have a feeling that I will spend a lot of time relaxing and vegging out and not getting much done. I don't care - I hope that I have horrible morning sickness the whole time, I just want to not have to worry about homework and I want to be pregnant!

I also spent a long time last night working on our finances. My company just went from weekly pay periods to pay periods every two weeks. I am actually fine with this arrangement, but it is taking a but of finasse to get the bills lined up correctly and everything budgeted out for that configuration. I think that we will be fine, but this month is going to be tight while we make the transition, and since we got the cars, the cushion of that money in the savings account is gone, so it is a bit hard to look at the balances.

I have been helping out doing some of the stuff from my old job this week and last week, so it is making it really hard to go back and work some in my new department. I hate it so much, that I just want to cry all the time. When I think about this project being over tomorrow, and going back to full time in my new department, I just feel sick. I have started helping a friend of mine with her business, just helping to organize, file, do data entry, stuff like that and I just know that this kind of work is what I am meant to do with my time. She is not paying me and I would not take it if she tried, but I just love helping and I love spending time doing what I am good at. Besides, if I apply for an office manager position at some point the experience will be vital!
I did speak to the new VP in my company and he was working on the special project with me, and he seemed impressed with me and told me that he wants to make a place for me in his department as soon as possible. He hopes that something will open up for me in the next couple of months. Lord, I really hope something happens soon!

I went to see Star Trek this weekend with my husband and my dad. It was SO good!! I am not a huge Trek fan, but I know enough to get the jokes and references to the past movies and show. I think that I need to see it again soon!! I am really looking forward to the summer movie seasion. X-Men is already out, and Star Trek. The new Transformers will be out soon and so will the new Terminator. I am also looking forward to G.I.Joe and several others! Maybe that is how I will spend my summer break from school - seeing every movie!! I love movies! Hey, I may have just discovered a hobby!!

Well, I guess I lied when I said before that not much has been happening. I will try to update more, but I just feel so blah so mcuh of the time. This job thing is really getting my down! I am going to try to enjoy my life and think about all the good things that I have and will have. It is not always easy, or even ever easy, but I am going to try!