Still Feeling Sickly

Well, I have been totally putting life on hold for the most part waiting to start feeling better. I am currently almost 11 weeks, so I am expecting to start feeling better soon, within the next 2 weeks or so. I am managing it better, but only just. I have been putting off school work, house work, seeing friends, everything. I just don't have the energy to sit and talk with someone, I just want to try to rest and not throw up. I have been feeling better today, which is why I am gracing you all with a nice post. Don't you just feel lucky??

My brother is currently in jail and will probably remain there the full 5 months of his sentence. He was arrested for possession with intent to distribute pot. I think that there were several technicalities that should have resulted in the charges being dismissed, but my brother did not have a very good lawyer and ended up pleading no contest. I am actually very proud of him for taking his licks here. So many times you see people passing the buck, blaming everything and everyone else for their problems and he knows he was breaking the law and he knows that he needs to pay for it.

There are lots of the should have done's, like he should have gotten into some kind of drug counseling program and other activities to show the judge that he had really turned his life around, but he did not do that, so when it came time to sentence him, the judge did not feel like David just telling him that he was cleaned and had stopped was enough. However, the judge is making the felony go away. He gave David a massively stiff sentence for the smaller drug charge and if David does anything and everything that he is asked to do, then the felony will go away. This is really huge, and the judge probably did this because he knew our father is a retired cop. David is having a hard time seeing such a long sentence as a a good thing and I totally understand where he is coming from, but he does know that there isn't anything he can do about it now and he is resigned to serving his time, getting out and moving on with his life.

I hope that someday we will all look back at this as a needed adventure that helped David change his lifestyle and become... I don't know... I drug councilor or lawyer or something. Just as long I never have to worry about him like I am worrying now, I will be happy. I just want him to be happy. I think that he longs deeply for true love and a family and I really hope that he is able to find that. It took me into my 30's to find my true love, it may take him that long too, but I hope not.

I have been in talks with my bosses and others within my company about starting a work-from-home program. While I hate the work, if I could do it from home, allowing me to bring in an income while still staying home with my baby, it would be worth it! They all seem to be on board; working from home is the future as it will save so much, from cutting down on sick days, to helping the earth since less people will be driving to and from the office each day. I really hope that sometime next month they will get moving on it. I would like to get settled in at home and get all the bugs worked out before the baby comes. I am keeping all my fingers crossed!!

I went to a couple of yard sales this weekend and ended up finding the perfect rocking chair for me and the baby. It was built by the Amish in Pennsylvania about 35 years ago, if the seller can be believed. It is very sturdy and solid and comfortable and I am very excited about it! I also found a Baby Bjorn for $10. I think those retail for close to $100, so I am stoked about that deal too. I also found a book on natural baby food and other "green" baby ideas. I just love the idea of getting all Mother Earthy and if I can work from home part time, I will have plenty of time to make all natural baby food and stuff like that.

Why, by the way, do people feel the need to criticize if you are thinking about parenting in a way that differs from them??? Why can't people just live and let live???? I want to use cloth diapers, I used them when I changed my brother and sister when they were babies and I used them when I changed my nephew. It is not like this isn't a known quantity, I know the work involved, but I also know about the huge cost savings in the long run and you can't get any worse than disposables for the environment. I also believe that disposables have a time and place, like while traveling. The cloth ones out now are so cool, some of them even some with liners that allow you to toss the poop and wash the rest, they have Velcro just like plastic, so they are even easier than before. Why do people feel the need to roll their eyes at me or say "yeah, we'll see how long that lasts" Do you really care how I diaper my child? Really? Do I bug you about how to diaper or diapered your kid? NO, I don't care - you did it your way, I'll do it mine!

OK, well, sorry about that rant. I guess that this stuff is really getting to me. It's like everyone discounts my thoughts and plans because I don't actually have a baby yet, so I don't understand, but I just don't really understand why people care. It's like the people who, when they find out you are pregnant, like to tell you about all the miscarriages they had or know about. Or about their horrible birth experience - again, WHY? What purpose does this serve besides making my worry or be scared?

OK, I really am finished with that rant.....

I have been connecting with my cousins via Facebook lately, including the one currently on duty in Iraq. He is online a lot of mornings when I am getting ready for work, it is like noon there then, and I bet he likes being able to connect with family at home, and everyone else is sleeping. All my cousins are excited about the baby. A new baby is always exciting, but the whole family knows about how long we have been trying and how hard it has been to get this far. I am so lucky to have such a close family, we make a point of getting together once or twice a year, Easter and Thanksgiving and whoever can make it comes and we all see each other. There is so much love there, even if we don't all understand some of the choices we make, there is never a doubt of the love that we have for each other. It makes me sad to hear about families that don't get along.

I am getting ready to start the last course in the MBA program tomorrow (7/21/09). The last 7 week countdown starts and the last huge papers will be begun. I am dreading having to get back into the late nights, no free time, constant reading way of life, but I am excited about getting it over with and then being able to concentrate fully on being a mom. I will be the first person in my family, both immediate and extended to have this high a level of education and everyone is very proud of me! I am proud of me! I hope that I will still feel that way once the $100,000 in student loans comes due :( Maybe I should enroll in another program of study and keep putting those loans off.... nah, probably best to just get started paying them off... You think?

A Post About Recent Death (or, Not A Pregnancy Post)

Billy Mays: My husband got a huge kick out of watching Pitchmen, where Billy Mays and Antony Sullivan work together to bring new inventions to reality. It is actually funny to watch and some of the inventions are really cool.

So we were saddened to hear of Billy passing away on Sunday at the age of 50. His death is very strange and it could be many days before his cause of death is known. It is very sad in the wake of the other two high profile deaths to hear of Billy passing as well. He seemed to be smart, funny and very good at his job. I know that he will be missed dearly by his family.

Rest in Peace Billy
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Farrah Fawcett: I was never a fan, I was too young when she was famous on Charlie's Angels and really only knew as being kind of a ditz on David Letterman. I wish that I had known her other works, but I can't say that I was a fan.

I am however, deeply sad that Michael Jackson's death has overshadowed Farrah's to such an extent. I know that it must hurt her family to be in such morning and have their pain pushed aside for a "bigger" story.

Rest in Peace Farrah
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Michael Jackson: The first cassette tape I ever owned (which was the first piece of music that was ever all mine) was Thriller. I listened to that tape until it was completely warn out! My parents grew up loving the Jackson 5, so even they got into Thriller a bit.

The younger generations seem to know Michael much better for his strange private life and scandal than for his musical genius and I feel that this is sad.

As for the scandal, here are my thoughts (which are not designed to offend anyone). I don't believe that Michael ever was sexually inappropriate with his children or other peoples children. I believe that Michael never grew up, his mind never progressed past that of a child's. So having sleepovers with kids and everyone sharing beds would not seem out of line if all the kids were in fact kids. Yes, a grown man sleeping in the same bed as children not his own is inappropriate, but Michael never became a grown man.

I think that the abuse he suffered as a child combined with such immense fame and wealth stunted his development and he just never progressed beyond childhood. This is more a disease than being a pervert.

I place more blame with the other full grown adults that surrounded Michael and let him engage in behavior that was inappropriate. People that surround famous people are notorious for using the famous person for their own means and not having the famous person's best interests at heart. This just makes me feel sorry for him more than anything else and I hope now he has found peace.

Rest in Peace Michael

I have a Peanut!!

OH MY GOD!! It is really real - I have a little life growing inside me! I can hardly believe it! I am so happy!

OK - I have to go throw up now :)

Today, The Day I Have Been Waiting For

Today we see the doctor for the first time and we have the first ultrasound. I am very anxious to see the baby and perhaps hear the heartbeat. Mostly, I am looking for the doctor to tell us that the baby is strong, healthy, whole and developing correctly, right on schedule. I want to hear that everything is normal and fine and there are no problems. I know that even with this reassurance that things could still go wrong, but I know that this visit will put my mind at great ease.

This weekend was horrible! Actually, Saturday was OK. I did a bike ride with Dad and then did some yard sales with Mom until I was totally beat. I ate and took a nap and ate again and then I was able to shower and get the house straightened up just a bit and then I rested the remainder of the day.

Sunday, I got out of bed long enough to eat and then went back to bed. I felt horrible all day and I could not get out of it. I did manage to get all the laundry done, but that was it - totally it! I wanted to get together with Sassy and kept waiting for the horrible to pass, but it never did.

Today has been almost as bad so far. I know that not getting good sleep affects how badly I feel and my husband did not come to bed until 2:45, a whole hour before the alarm goes off for me. I was not really able to get back to sleep and as a result, I have felt like dog poo all morning. I still have 5 hours and 20 minutes until I can leave work for the doctor, so I have to keep moving along and hope that I can keep eating every few hours and keep all that food down.

I feel like the barf is right there, waiting in the wings and it could spring to center stage any second, without warning. I know that is gross, but its the truth.

I am slightly angry with my dear husband. He feels so helpless and keeps asking what he can do to help me feel better and the only thing that I have asked of him is that he come to bed by midnight, so I will be in a deep sleep and thus will not wake up and be awake all night long. He seems unable to do this.

I had a long and cutting conversation with him in my head while driving to work this morning, and have pretty much decided not to go with that version verbatim, but I do need to express to him how important sleep is to keeping the morning sickness under control and ask him to love me and the baby enough to put us first.

This mornings thoughts including calling him lots of names and accusing him of being selfish and not ready to be a father if he can't think about others at all. I thought about telling him how bad the lack of sleep is for himself and how if he does not even love himself enough to attempt to take care of him, how can I expect him to give a crap about me or his child. I was really pissed, I hate feeling like crap and knowing that it might not have been as bad if he had done as I asked.

I also asked him to fold the last load of laundry and he did not do that either.

Dolly Parton Meets Linda Blair

So, morning sickness continues all day, everyday. Actually the middle of the day is generally my best time; not that I feel good mind you, I am just not normally hanging over the toilet or whimpering with the constant nausea. The mornings are horrible generally and the evenings are sucking great big ass. I tend to toss the ole cookies mostly at night, fun stuff!!

Not getting good sleep also seems to lend itself to feeling worse. My dead-beat brother called at midnight Friday night to ask for money to bail his girlfriend out of jail where she had been taken after being charged with assaulting her grandfather. Classy right? He tells me that the grandfather is senile and forgets things and has beaten her up several times and this time she fought back and he called the police. Being that I am a bit of a push over, my husband met up with my brother to give him $100, which was all I could spare and my brother promised to pay me back on Saturday once his paycheck had cleared the bank.

I woke up when he called and I felt so sick, that I ended up not being able to get back to sleep and only getting about 2 hours, so I was massively sick all night and all the next day. He never called to bring me money or check on how I was feeling.

This weekend was Smug-Sisters wedding picnic/cookout to celebrate her marriage. We had tons of people in from out of town, including one couple and their child that stayed with us. My grandparents from FL were in town and so on. I hated feeling so badly and heading home to rest all the time, but everyone seemed to understand. I still felt bad about not being any help to Smug-Sister or spending more time with my grandparents and other family.

I am glad that the weekend is over and everyone is headed home and I can go back to being my whinny, sick, feeling lousy self. I tried to watch movies last night and keep my mind off feeling like crap, but it did not really work.

I called my brother and told him to bring the money by my house before 8:30 last night (Sunday), he said that he would. He never showed.

Here is the thing about giving him money. I don't do it for him, I do it because I feel better knowing that I did what I could to help someone in need. I don't even do it thinking that he will pay me back, but it still hurts me deeply when over and over again he uses me.

I told him I was sick (did not tell him why) he has never called to check on me or offer to pick up soup or anything. He is too involved with himself and his own life to care one tiny speck for anyone else.

Bra Woes

I was feeling like my bra was getting way uncomfortable today. I started thinking that I was going to have to get a new bra. I did not think that my boobs had gotten that much bigger so far. I even went to the bathroom to check them out in the mirror - they look pretty normal!

Then I suddenly realized that the underwire in both sides had poked through the material and was stabbing me in armpits! Once I shoved them back where they belong, everything felt fine!

I probably still need to get a new bra, this one obviously has issues.

So...

I will be 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am deep into morning sickness, wondering how there are ever siblings! I can't imagine going through this again and I doubt that my morning sickness has gotten as bad as it will get or is has bad as the morning sickness that others experience.

I tend to get sick to my stomach at the drop of a hat. If I am nervous, excited, scared, worried - you name it, I get sick to my stomach. So, there is a lot of all those emotions running through me all the time, so add to that all the pregnancy hormones and you get one sickly chick!

We are not telling anyone yet. I say that, but we have told a few close friends and all the immediate family. I have one friend that I have been dying to talk to, but she must be really, really busy because I have not heard from her a while :(

My sweet husband is feeling really helpless and wants so badly to help me somehow and there is really nothing he can do. I asked him to get club soda for me (burping by any means is my new best friend), anyway, it took him like almost an hour to run down to the store and back. He ended up going to three stores, each progressively further away and each store did not have club soda. By the time he got back I was a mess and I know he felt badly about it. Not his fault, but still.

I have noticed that my pants are not buttoning as easily as this week progresses, despite I have lost 3 pounds. There is a tiny little pooch (yes, I know that I have a pooch normally) but this pooch does not fall flat when I am laying on my back. This pooch is my new little child!

I have a ton of fears and worries about what could still happen to this pregnancy or am I good enough to be a mom, to have all the responsibility for this little life. What is I go crazy and kill my child, or just be negligent and let her fall in a pool? What is she has a birth defect? All these fears are really crowding me, so I have put down all the books and stopped watching baby stuff on TV. I think that I just need to concentrate on getting through morning sickness, the first prenatal visit, and the first trimester before I start obsessing on how to decorate the baby's room, let along on how many things could go wrong and how badly I could screw this kid up!

It is hard not to tell people, but harder when I think about before having to tell everyone all over again that we had lost the pregnancy. We have been trying for so long and I know that everyone at work, school, all the extended family everyone would be so excited and thrilled for us, but I can't tell them, not until I see that little heartbeat, beating strongly!!

Smug-Sister is having her wedding reception thing this weekend (she and her husband eloped in December, but wanted to have a low key picnic to celebrate in the summer). I am really not sure that I am going to be able to attend, the smells of any cooking food send me to the toilet, I can't imagine dealing with all the cookout smells, the heat (it is going to be 94 degrees), and all the people. Lots of out of town family will be there and we will even have one couple and their son staying with us. I have already accepted the fact that I will have to tell them, since they are not dumb and will figure it out.

My mom's parents will be here and it may be the last time I see them and will for sure be the only time to tell them about the baby, so I will tell them too. That will pretty much take care of everyone except the aunts and uncles - who am I kidding, everyone is going to figure it out the first time I Ralph all over the picnic table!

Wish me luck everyone!