This Morning

I am just not feeling very good at the moment. I am tired and feeling blue. Yesterday was really tough with Smug-Baby because I screwed up her nap and she only slept about 30 minutes and she needed like another hour. Not to mention, I was tired and needed that time to nap myself, instead she slept in the car while I raced out to Smug-Hub's work to take him his wallet because he had left it in the car. Smug-Baby woke up as I was pulling into the driveway at home.

She was a mess the rest of the day! Nothing went her way and everything caused major meltdowns. She wanted the cake pops I made for Easter, but I had taken them into work to get rid of them and she was VERY upset that I couldn't produce them for her. She wanted a potato and then I put it in front of her and she cried. She wanted cereal until I poured it into a bowl and then she collapsed into a puddle on the floor, crying. She would not allow me to fold the laundry, taking every folded item and throwing it back into the basket or having a meltdown when I pulled an item out of the basket.

It was a potty accident free day so that was a plus, but getting her to go was sometimes hard and she would cry and tell me she was all done as the pee was coming out. I know that she was just tired and as much as I tried to get her back to sleep, she wasn't able to so she was just on a hair trigger to beat all hair triggers and it was exhausting!!

She crawled up on the couch about 5pm, laid down and fell asleep. While I was happy that it was quiet I knew that I couldn't let her sleep and after about 10 minutes I got her up and the crying started all over again. I finally got her to put some clothes on and we went out for dinner. It was actually nice and she was really well behaved so I think those 10 minutes of sleep really did help her.

The evening was another struggle to get us both ready for bed but she fell asleep by about 9:30 and I straighted up the house for about 5 seconds before giving up and going to bed myself.

I woke several times in the night with cramps, low in the belly and only on the left side. They would ease and then come back but were not really like a contraction, just a cramp. Like I was going to start my period soon kind of cramps, except that when I am going to start my period, those cramps stay and these would come and go. The baby kept moving around and I am not having any bleeding or anything so I am fairly sure that nothing is really "wrong" but they were/are uncomfortable and I found it hard to sleep.

The other thing is that both Smug-Hub and Smug-Baby didn't come into the big bed until after 3am. Which means that I was all alone in the big bed and I HATE sleeping alone!! Smug-Hub told me that he had folded all the laundry which was wonderful (there were 5 loads) and I don't know what time he got home, but still... I didn't get married and have children to sleep alone and if he had been in bed with me I could have asked him to rub my back or I could have leaned against his warmth and maybe eased my cramps. As it was, I was just alone and in pain and uncomfortable and tired and couldn't sleep.

Once they came to bed, I felt better and wrapped myself around Smug-Baby until it was time to get up. Of course I hadn't been really asleep since 1am, but fell asleep promptly as soon as they were with me, just in time for the lovely alarm to ring!! Now, I am tried and my eyes ache and I feel cramp-y and sad and just off! I wish that I didn't need to go to work today, I need to save my vacation time and get it paid out when the lay-off takes effect and I have a project that I'm working on that HAS to be completed this week, so I have to go.

I wish that I had the option of just a few hours today of time to rest. I hope that Smug-Baby is able to nap normally today and I can nap with her. I have a chiropractor appointment right after work this morning and that should help and we need a few things from the grocery store, but other than that I should be able to spend the day playing with Smug-Baby and getting my feet up and perhaps that will help the cramps. I don't know...

Easter

Friday afternoon as we were all preparing food and travel plans for the family gathering on Saturday, news spread around the family that my uncle had suddenly collapsed and passed away. Everyone froze in shock. He wasn't in the greatest of health but he was still young and this was a hard thing for everyone to hear. Soon it was decided that the family Easter celebration needed to continue as we needed to all be together as a family. I wasn't as close to my uncle in recent years but his loss is great and we will miss his big booming laugh and funny, self-deprecating stories at family gatherings.

Saturday was really wonderful. Smug-Baby and I spent the morning yard sailing with my cousin B and his girlfriend, T. This was really nice because at the large family gatherings everyone is busy making the rounds that you don't get to have any deep and meaningful conversations so this gave me a chance to really get to know my cousin better and I enjoyed that. Smug-Baby bonded with T and would only allow her to help get Smug-Baby into her car seat!

After we hit some sales, I took Smug-Baby home for a nap and while she slept I finished up the food prep (Smug-Hub had gotten a ton of it done for me, so THANK YOU BABY!!) and got showered up and dressed. When Smug-Baby woke up we packed up and headed over to Smug-Sister's house for the party.

The food was amazing! I ate until I could eat no more and then I ate some more!! I had been feeling some cramping in my back and belly for the last few days so I forced myself to let others play with Smug-Baby and I stayed seated most of the day. I moved around to various conversations but always made sure that I had my feet up and was resting. I think that it was exactly the right thing to do because as of this evening (Sunday), the pains are gone and only the occasional Braxton Hicks plague me now.

I should have gotten Smug-Baby a bath at my sister's house and let her fall asleep on the drive home Saturday evening as she had played really hard and was super sleepy, but alas I did not. So, we raced home and raced through a bath and teeth brushing and she was asleep by 8pm! I was asleep by about 8:45!! It had been a long day; lovely with lots of hugs and belly rubs but I was beat!

This morning I awoke and wanted more food! I could hardly believe it after all that I ate on Saturday afternoon, but there you have it! The family met at a local restaurant for breakfast and Smug-Baby decided she was in love with my cousin's son who is 6, he loved the attention and played really well with her. Smug-Niece seems to have fallen in love with Smug-Hub and kept running to him every chance she got. Smug-Sister says that she has been all about the dudes this weekend, but I choose to think that she loves Smug-Hub especially because he is so wonderful!!

After breakfast some family got on the road for home and some trekked back to dad's to visit for a bit before everyone said their good-byes and headed for their respective homes. Smug-Hub, Smug-Baby and I all went home, promptly fell asleep and had nice naps all around.

When everyone was up, we tucked in and got the house back in order, the three days of dishes cleaned and the yard work done. We worked together and buckled down and within 2 hours everything was respectable again. And, of course, I was hungry!!

We packed up and headed to Smug-Sister's place to pilfer leftovers and let the girls play. Smug-Sister and I cleaned up the kitchen but then we left our husband's to play outside with the kids and we put our feet up on the couch and talked and watch golf (of all things, go figure) and it was lovely and relaxing and a perfect way to round out the weekend.

On the way home, we learned that the memorial service for my uncle will be held next Saturday at his church and we will attend. It will be nice to see the family again so soon, but I hate it that we have to keep coming together to morn the loss of someone we love. Our family has already lost too many too young and I am very sad for my cousin's who lost their father and for all of us who lost someone special.

He didn't have any insurance or money set aside so there is concern about how to honor him properly. Everyone in the family is trying to give whatever they can to help his children cover the expenses. I know that he would have hated to have become a burden to his kids, so we are all trying to help out.

It was a weekend mixed with great love and great loss. We, as a family, tried to honor my uncle by being together and I think he would have been pleased.

I however, have to start taking better care of myself. The pain and frequent BH contractions tell me that I have been over-doing and I need to start saying no and letting others do things for me. This is not something I have ever been good at, but I have to do it and its only for a few more weeks until Little-Smug is here and I can go back to being all things to all people... yeah... right!!

Baby Bug

My best friend gave birth to her first child on Tuesday and he is totally adorable! He arrived after about a 12 hour labor, all natural birth and is nursing well! Mom is doing great and from the pictures I received, both mom and dad are over the moon in love with their new little one! When I talked to her on the phone yesterday (Wednesday) she told me her birth story (which was positive) and we talked about things to do once she is home and all that stuff. The whole time we talked, this little man of hers was sleeping and then suddenly I heard it... The squeaks and squeals of a 32 hour old baby boy! I just about lost my mind!!!!

I hung up quickly to let her go be a mama and told Smug-Hub that we just had to have another baby!! He reminded me once again that I am already pregnant and will have a little squeaking man in my own arms in a matter of weeks!

But I have the baby bug now!! I want June to hurry up and get here so I can squeeze him already! I want to see his little face and hold his little fingers and kiss every inch of him! I can hardly wait to see how Smug-Baby reacts to him and while I know that the adjustment will be challanging, I am really ready and hope that these last few months pass quickly!

I only have a few more weeks of work left until the lay-off takes effect and I am really looking forward to having the last month of this pregnancy off and be able to get into a rhythm at home and finish all those last minute preparations.

I am so happy for my friend! She has been my best friend since we were 4 and our sisters were babies. We met, bonded and have been friends ever since. She now lives far away and I am really lucky if I see her once every few years and we only e-mail and talk on the phone occasionally, but we are bonded for life and I can't wait to see what kind of mother she is and be able to talk kid things with her. When you have been friends with someone for over 30 years they become family and she is more of a sister than a friend and I keep calling this baby my nephew! She is Aunt Jen to Smug-Baby and I am looking so forward to the next time I can see her and meet her little man and have her meet mine!

I am just waiting. Waiting to finish work. Waiting for my son to arrive. Waiting to meet my new nephew. Waiting to see my best friend in the whole world again.

Today

Today kicked my butt!! The day started with Smug-Baby coming into our bed at 1am and my not really getting back into a deep sleep and her getting up for good when I did at 5am. I hate when she is awake when I leave for work for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I hate to leave her and hate to have her cling to me, not wanting me to go and me having to go anyway. Granted, this has gotten better since we started having her wave to me from the front door, but I still really hate leaving her! Secondly, when she is up that early, it throws off the whole day as far as her mood and nap schedule. If she ends up falling back asleep (which Smug-Hub works hard to accomplish since that means a bit more sleep for him too) then she isn't tired for her nap at her normal nap time and if she doesn't nap at her normal nap time and naps later than we are in for a long evening as she isn't ready to go to bed for the night at the normal time either. It's not a good cycle!

Anyway, after work, which was fine, I met up with Mom for a quick morning walk before the rain. We ended up deciding to walk over to a friend's house and walk with her for a bit, but it ended up being too long of a walk and Smug-Baby was really restless and I was really sore and achy by the end of it. We stopped by the library that is on the way back to Mom's house so Smug-Baby and I could pee and while Smug-Baby was out of the stroller, running around and happy to be free and mobile, she ended up taking off running right toward the busy street. Mom and I both chased her and Mom, being less weighed down by a baby belly, grabbed her. Smug-Baby threw a fit and wanted to be put down, but I was so freaked out that I held her really tightly for a long time and talked to her about running away from me before strapping her back into the stroller. She was crying the whole time, she just wanted to have some play time, some time to run around and stretch her legs! Mom and I agreed that we had made an error in taking a walk so long and walking before Smug-Baby had been able to have some play time and a nap.

On the way home, Smug-Baby looked really tired and seemed to even doze a bit in the car for the last 5 minutes of the drive, but once home she was fully awake and hungry for lunch and totally uninterested in napping. I fed her lunch which was leftover Indian Shepherd's Pie from Peas and Thank You which was really good and Smug-Baby ate a full plate! We followed that up with some granola and soy milk and she even ate a container of soy yogurt, so she must have been really hungry! I figured that she would be full and happy and getting tired so we laid down again. I was really feeling sore and ached all over from the long walk so I wanted her to sleep so I could do the same. Alas, she was still unable to fall asleep. I shut the bedroom door and laid on the floor with my eyes closed while she played with every toy within reach. I got some rest, she played and we were both fine with that. After about 30 minutes she had to pee so we were up again and I began trying to get my work tasks for the day done.

I needed to spend at least 30 minutes working on the downstairs room since I didn't do anything on it yesterday and I only have tomorrow to finish it up since I need to spend all day Friday working on the food items I have to make for the family Easter celebration on Saturday. I had hoped to do this work while Smug-Baby was sleeping since there are lot of things down there that I don't want her getting into, but since she wasn't sleeping... Even with her getting into everyting I ended up getting a lot done and really only need Smug-Hub to pull out some empty totes for me (they are on a high shelf in the garage) to pack up the winter coats and clothes and work on the desk area and I should be able to do that during nap time tomorrow (if she takes a nap tomorrow).

I also needed to make deviled eggs and potato salad for dinner tonight. My brother and his girlfriend were supposed to come over about 6:30, so I worked on that while Smug-Baby played on the back deck. I love that she is able to do that now, play with only little supervision. While she prefers (and so do I really) to play with me, it is nice that I can give her a watering can and she can "water" the plants on her own for a bit. Finally, she had played enough and needed some mommy time so we turned on the TV and sat down. This was about 4pm and she was zonked out asleep in like 5 minutes! GREAT! Now, she sleeps!

I let her sleep for about 45 minutes until I realized that I needed to make a run to the grocery store for a few items I had forgotten for dinner and I needed to pick up books from the library, so I woke her up and man oh man was she PISSED!! She cried and flailed for a good 20 minutes! Wonderful!

We went to the library first and on the way to the grocery store, my brother texted me to say that they had found a little abandoned puppy and had been at the vet all day getting him checked out and weren't going to make it to dinner after all. Since I figured we were no longer having company, we didn't need those few items from the grocery store, so I headed home and finished getting dinner ready about the time Smug-Hub got home.

I have to say that while I didn't really expect that dinner with my brother would actually happen and I did my best not to get my hopes up, I was really disappointed and have felt really depressed all evening. I think that it had to have been the pregnancy hormones, because this is really typical of my brother and I wasn't really planning on him coming anyway. I guess in the back of my mind, I was hoping that I would be pleasantly surprised.

We had dinner and while I cleaned it up Smug-Hub and Smug-Baby took some potato salad and deviled eggs to my Step-Mom so it was nice to work on the kitchen without interruption and I even had a few moments to sit on the couch with my book before they got home! Once home, Smug-Baby and I took a shower and got all ready for bed. It's Smug-Hub's night to get her down, so they are playing and I am blogging before heading to bed. I am really beat! I hope that I sleep well and long!!

It wasn't really a bad day by any means, just didn't unfold as I had hoped, but really who's day does? Tomorrow I need to finish the downstairs and clean the bathrooms, dust and run the vacuum (it's my half cleaning week) so that I am free to spend my day cooking on Friday. I have a feeling I am going to need all that time :)  

Frustration

Some days are just harder than others. Some days my patience is less than I would like it to be. Some days I just wish I had a babysitter on speed dial. Today was one of those days.

It started out fine with a nice bike ride right after work and some quality time playing in the park, but Smug-Baby was tired and threw a fit when it was time to leave and when we got home and she was hungry so I made lunch, which was fine but it pushed her nap until almost 1pm. She normally is down sometime between 11:45 and 12:30, so she was really having a rough time. She collapsed into tears at everything because she was so tired.

She napped until almost 3 (which was both good and bad, since it would mean she was rested but less able to go to bed tonight on schedule) and I was able to make some phone calls and do some work on the computer all while I had my feet up since I was feeling a bit sore from the bike ride. So that was nice, but I didn't get my work in the downstairs room done, so I will need to spend 30 minutes on it tomorrow.

When Smug-Baby woke up I thought she was in a fairly decent mood, but it quickly deteriorated and she ended up getting mad and making a huge mess of granola and milk all over the couch and living room carpet. I was so upset! It took every ounce of my strength not to yell at her or yank her around!! I was calm and told her how upset I was and that making messes was not going to be allowed and I made her help me clean it up. She cried the whole time, so I know she got that I was really upset with her so I guess that is good and we will have to see if she does it again.

Later, when I had to pee, I could see her messing with the electrical outlet and since I was "unavailable" I yelled for her to stop and not touch and the plug would hurt her, but she completely ignored me until I yelled really loudly and then she just came running to me crying. I once again, calmly explained that when mama said "not for touching" she needed to stop touching and that sometimes things in the house could hurt her and I didn't want her to get hurt.

She just seemed to be pushing the limits all day long and frankly it was exhausting! Everything was a struggle, everything I asked of her she would push against. From getting into the car seat, to climbing on stuff at the park, to eating her food at the table and not in the living room, to not peeing on the floor!! She just pushed and pushed and by about 5pm, I was ready to lock her outside!! If my neighbor had been home I might really have taken her there for a little while just to be able to close my eyes and decompress for a bit, but alas they were not and I had to find a way to handle things myself.

I put on a movie for her while I made dinner and cleaned the kitchen and once Smug-Hub got home and we all ate, I felt better. The house was fairly straight and dinner was finished and the kitchen was clean and really the only thing that didn't get done today was the work in the downstairs, so it was a productive day, just hard!

Smug-Hub took her down to the mailbox to try to run off some of her energy and I laid down with her about 9:15 and she was out within 30 minutes or so. Now I am trying to relax a bit before going to bed.

I am feeling frustrated that my child isn't listening and doesn't seem to think that when I tell her something or give her a direction that is should be followed. Sometimes I think that if I followed a fear based method of parenting, she would be too scared of me to do wrong, however I don't want to parent that way and I do feel like gentle discipline is better. But, this method takes work and I am tired!! I am proud of myself that I didn't spank her or resort to time out when I was mad and that I followed the plan that I set for myself for the most part, I just wish that I would have seen some immediate improvement while as the same time I know that isn't how it works.

Today was a hard day, but I don't think that I will lie in bed tonight wishing that I had handled things differently or wish that I hadn't lost my temper. I did the best I could do and I am OK with that.

Goodnight and here is hoping that tomorrow is easier on my tired self!

Baby Bird Feeding or Alicia Sliverstone

I have been reading a lot of the Internet buzz on the video released of Alicia Silverstone feeding her son baby bird style so I feel like I should weigh in on the subject just because.

When I first heard/read about this my initial thoughts ran along the lines of "GROSS!!!" but as I have thought about it more and more and read some of what others are saying it became less gross and more understandable.

Firstly, being that her child is breastfed, his little body is already used to her body fluids and secondly, this baby came from inside her! He is made of her, so why is this gross again?

I have never fed my child directly from my mouth and don't think that I would ever find a time or situation where this would feel like something I would want to try. However, there have been a few times when Smug-Baby has decided that the bite of whatever I just put in my mouth should be hers and no other bite will do. I have had no real issue with taking it out of my mouth and giving it to her. Now, this is not fully chewed up food we are talking about, more like I popped something into my mouth and before I could even bite down she is upset and I give it to her.

Also, there have been a few times that something Smug-Baby has tried she doesn't like and she spits it out. I have, on occasion, popped it into my mouth. Sometimes food is just not for wasting!! Again, we are talking about fully chewed up food, just an instance where she took a bite, didn't like the taste or texture and spit it out.

I don't find this gross and I have seen tons of other mothers do the same. It's not gross when it's your child. Just like changing poopy diapers isn't gross when its your own baby, but may be a lot more gross when you are changing someone else's child.

I guess it comes from the fact that this child came from my body and all of her is made up of Smug-Hub and I. All her fluids are my fluids and everything she is came from me. I don't know, but I think that as a parent, you do what makes sense to you at the time and it really isn't others place to judge (unless, of course, there is blatant abuse going on) and we just need to try harder to live and let live.

I find that I am really a very judgemental person and I am trying to work on that, but mostly I am judgemental of people who are judgemental! I don't like it when people spend a lot of energy discussing things that have no effect on their lives at all. Unless you have a baby and are considering doing a baby bird style of feeding, you really have no business talking about it. Do people really care that much about Alicia Sliverstone's parenting? I guess that I don't have a lot of room to talk, since I am discussing it and I am really not considering this style of introducing solids to Little-Sub when he arrives. I guess I just wish people would simply discuss and stop bashing one another. Ahh, to live in a perfect (Smug-Mama designed) world...

Good Food for the Whole Family

In thinking about ways to get Smug-Baby eating a more rounded diet I am naturally drawn to reexamining by own eating habits and thinking about how, once this baby is born, I will need to be diary free once again since most babies are sensitive to dairy.

I guess that since I only have about 10 weeks left (YIKES!!) I need to started cleaning my fridge of the worst offenders and stocking up on good food items. Of course, after this discussion with myself, I am left feeling guilty that I have not been eating as wonderfully as I should have been during this whole pregnancy, but since those feelings are not productive and I just have to work on doing better going forward.

I have created a list of food items that are vegan and freeze well so I can stock my freezer with foods that are good for us and we may be less tempted to order out or eat something unhealthy when we are newly consumed with the baby and adjusting to everything. I plan on getting most of those in the freezer in the first part of May, so no rush there, but the list is created and the recipes are printed.

I have also started going through my cookbooks and coming up with fun ways to sneak more veggies and fruit into our meals as well as thinking about the cost savings if I say, make up batches of my own pancake mix, instead of purchasing something in a box.

I was raised this way. Everything from scratch and I am amazed by how far from these roots I have strayed. I am sickened really by how much money I spend at the grocery store and how little I come home with and how much of what I buy are convenience foods. Now, I do think that everyone has to find the balance between cost savings and the time involved in preparing everything from scratch and that has been a big motivator for my purchase of more boxed foods, but it is time to reevaluate what I am doing and how much money could be saved and time expended to save it and make some changes.

I read an article about eating vegan on $4.00 a day and the book with all the information is only $10.00 at Amazon, so I may purchase it, and I have ordered a few books from the library too. I just sometimes get overwhelmed and fall back on old, quick and easy favorites. So, I need to create a menu of say, 20 items that we all like and just rotate them around during the month. We don't want to get bored but yet I don't want to spend my Sunday looking through cookbooks to get ideas - I am not going to have that kind of time once Little-Smug arrives!!

I was cleaning the house today and thinking about how the weekends are going to change even more once he arrives. Not only will we have another human to care for, but we will be getting a weekly assortment of fruits and veggies that will need to be dealt with! My mom is giving us a share in the CSA and that will arrive on Saturday's and once we get it, we will need to decide what foods to incorporate into our meals that week and what items will need to be processed for storage (freezing, dehydrating, canning, etc.). It is really important to me that we don't let these food items spoil, this was a huge investment for my mother and it is important to me to honor that as well as honoring my commitment to be more cost conscious and more green.

I will probably be spending most of my Sunday's doing food prep for the week and preserving the items we will not be able to eat that week. In addition to the CSA, I want to get some of the daily meal work done so that the week days are less stressful. Since Smug-Hub will still be working until 7 and therefore not able to help me with the children (did you catch that? I will have two children - yeah, it's still not quite sinking in...) I will be working on an evening routine with them that may make it harder to put a complete dinner together quickly. So, I think that I should plan on spending time on Sunday's working on chopping veggies, making salads, soaking beans, and whatever else the weekly menu calls for that can be done ahead of time, so that actual dinner time during the week is faster and simpler without compromising on healthy.

I used to do that when I was single, working two jobs and taking 4 night classes. I would spend my whole Sunday (the only day I didn't work at least one job or have class) making meals for the whole week. I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner all made and in separate, grab-n-go containers so all week, I only needed to grab the containers I needed for the day and throw them into the microwave when I was ready to eat. It was actually exhausting, but that may have been the 4 classes and two jobs contributing :) I think that spending some time getting some of the prep work out of the way over the weekend will help make the week nights better, so that's the plan.

Now, I just need to not purchase anymore cheese and work on creating my 20 meal menu and grocery list so that by the time the baby arrives, I will be completely dairy free and have all my ducks lined up for this new life we are getting ready to begin!!