Choices and Judgment

My ideas on parenting are not wrong, they are not “way out in left-field” and I am not the only one applying my same ideas in their own parenting styles. I am however, one of only a few people that I know who parent like I do. I feel frustrated when my husband receives outdated advice and outright judgment about how we are raising our child. He comes to me all concerned that we are doing something wrong. Besides, these people have healthy, fairly well-adjusted children, so why shouldn’t their advice be followed?

I think that it is natural to second guess yourself when it comes to parenting. I think that it is natural to think that others are doing something wrong if they choose a different path than you took. I think it is normal to feel a little guilty about a choice that you made and wondering if you perhaps didn’t make the right one. The thing that I believe most firmly is that there isn’t any ONE right path for parents to follow. Every child is different, every parent is different – even my own children will have very different parents. My daughter has been raised thus far by first time parents, while our second child will be raised by second-time parents. Our daughter will be raised the first born and our second child will be raised with a big sister.

People are questioning my continued nursing of Smug-Baby as she nears two years old. I firmly believe that even though she isn’t nursing very often (once or twice a day, nursing to sleep for her nap and bedtime, and maybe once during the night) she is still getting the benefits of the antibodies nursing provides. She is still getting the comfort she needs when she is hurt, tired, or feeling vulnerable. She is a healthy, strong, secure, happy child and I believe that my decisions in parenting have led to that. I am not condemning another person’s choice to parent differently or saying that if you parent differently from my way, that your child will not be as healthy, secure or happy. I am simply saying that my way has worked the way I wanted it to for my daughter. My choice to do something differently than another parent is not a dig at their parenting style or a judgment that they have parented wrongly.  

That being said, I think that we all decide how to parent based on looking at the parenting styles of others, along with reading research from experts and taking and applying what resonates with us and discarding what doesn’t. So, it is a kind of judgment about a parenting style when I choose to co-sleep and someone else chooses a cry-it-out sleep training method. I don’t think that anyone would really take offence to a difference in parenting style, except in cases where a parent has turned their back on their instincts and perhaps parented in a way in which they did not feel totally comfortable. In these cases, that parent may feel some guilt about letting someone else sway them from parenting in a way that felt right to them. They may feel guilty that they may have done something detrimental to their child by not following their gut and letting someone else convince them to do something they didn’t want to do. It is normal for a person feeling a lot of guilt to lash out in strong defense of their “choice” and to find they take a lot of offence when someone else takes a different path.

I can’t help but feel that my parenting choices are the best ones and I can’t help but feel like those who are trying to convince me that they are wrong are also those people feeling guilty about their own choices and are trying to make themselves feel better by trying to convince me like they were convinced.

I can’t make a person feel less guilty about their choice, but I can say that it is probably all going to be fine. If your child feels loved and knows that you made the best choices you could for them given the information you had at the time, then it’s all going to be OK. That isn’t to say that you wouldn’t perhaps have made different choices if you could go back, its just to say that beating yourself up, or worse beating up on another parent, about things in the past doesn’t serve any greater purpose!  Forgive yourself for any perceived mistakes and try to live and let live!

I will not condemn you for vaccinating your child even though I chose not to take that path. There is nothing wrong with your choice. There is nothing wrong with my choice.

I will not condemn you for bottle-feeding your child, or that you may have stopped breast-feeding before I am. There is nothing wrong with your choice, it just isn't my choice and there is nothing wrong with that either!!

Christmas!

How was your holiday break? Mine was, overall, lovely! There was the small matter of hurting my back (while I slept no less - now that is talent!!) and feeling slightly sick to my stomach the whole time, but those were small and didn't keep me from enjoying the time with my family.

Christmas Eve was the big family celebration and I think that it came off without any problems. Smug-Baby and Smug-Niece played nicely together and no one except one of my nephews was body slammed by my crazy child!! My step-mother got marshmallow guns for Smug-Hub, my dad and my brother-in-law and they spent the evening shooting each other with mini marshmallows. Let's just say that I am still picking up the little white puffs from all over my house and probably will be for years!!

The food was really good, even if I didn't really feel up to eating much. I think that I covered pretty well with the family. I didn't want people feeling sorry for me or doting on me. I just wanted to enjoy everyone and everything without that black cloud of feeling lousy hanging over my head.

After everything was over and the kitchen was cleaned and the house back into some semblance of order, we got Smug-Baby to go to sleep and then Santa set to work! I was really feeling horrible, tired and sick by the time I went to bed, but I was so excited about Christmas morning that I didn't sleep well and kept tossing and turning. I kept waking Smug-Baby so she nursed a lot all night, and that is probably how I hurt my back.

Regardless, at about 7 Christmas morning, we were awake and alert enough to head out to the living room to see if Santa had come and he HAD!!! Smug-Baby was a little shell-shocked by all the stuff! The big play kitchen, the big tent along with dozens of wrapped gifts and a full stocking. It took her all day to open everything and while I think that she liked everything, I am going to set a few things aside until she starts getting bored and then I can bring out the new stuff!

We had a nice Christmas breakfast with some unexpected guests! My dad, step-mom, and step-brother arrived in their pajamas, robes and slippers! My step-brother became Smug-Baby's favorite person in the whole world within moments and watching them play together was really sweet. We spent most of the day in our PJ's and about 2:30 or so, Smug-Baby was bored and tired and over-stimulated I think - basically, she was really cranky!! I called my sister and asked if we could come by; get out of the house and let the girls play for a bit. She was feeling sick, but said we could come by for a short visit. That was nice, time to have some laid back conversation in between saving Smug-Niece from Smug-Baby's attacks! After the second time-out, we decided to leave!!

On the way home, Smug-Hub decided that since my dad and his brood had shown up without warning, we should return the favor, my back was killing me and I figured that I could let Grandpa and Grandma chase the girl and I could lay on the couch, so I was all for it :) We stayed there until just before it was time to get Smug-Baby ready for bed. We knew she was tired and being with her grandparents helped keep her awake. They only live about 90 seconds from our house, so we knew she wouldn't have time to fall asleep on the drive home! Score! She was ready for bed and asleep within 30 minutes of getting home and I followed soon after! Smug-Hub was nice and rubbed my back, but it didn't really help. I pulled out the heating pad and laid on that for a bit before falling asleep and when I got up the next morning, I felt slightly better!

The day after Christmas was laid back too. We were off work and Smug-Hub had learned that one of his friends had died of a massive stroke on Christmas day, so he took off to gather with other friends to grieve together. I took Smug-Baby and went to the after Christmas sale at Target, but it was kind of a bust. We came home and she had a nap and laid on the heating pad some more. When Smug-Hub got home we ran out for a quick dinner that turned into a long dinner (the kitchen forgot to cook our order!!) and then came home to prepare to return to work.

It was everything a holiday should be! Time with family, time with friends, time to relax and be a bum! I am very sorry for Smug-Hub's friend and his family, but like I said, overall it was a really nice holiday.

I hope that yours was just as lovely and Santa brought you some wonderful loot! Merry Christmas!!

Good Days

Today has been a really good day. I still was struggling a little with feeling "off" and Smug-Baby was still having teething issues; bursting into tears at the drop of the hat. She even passed out from crying so hard she wasn't breathing at one point - I think she either bit her tongue or just bit down on the chip wrong and was in pain. She started that crying thing, where her face is contorted and her mouth is open but no sound is coming out. She finally collapsed in my arms, like she was asleep, but came around in about 2 seconds and blinked and looked around seemingly a little confused. I know that this passing out thing is fairly normal for kids and the doctor told me that it won't hurt her as long as she doesn't hit her head when she falls or something, but it is really scary to watch her child pass out!!

Anyway, after she had a nice nap, during which I was able to make wipes, sort laundry and get a couple loads working, we had a nice lunch of pasta salad and played on the floor together. I was the horse and she the rider! I managed to bake some pumpkin bars for my boss's Christmas gift and finish all the laundry (except the sheets, they still need to be folded, but everything else is clean and put away). I called Dad to see if he had parmesan cheese and a cucumber and invite him to dinner and he was free! Then Smug-Sister called to see if I wanted to meet her somewhere for dinner so I invited her to come over too. Between her bringing the cheese and the cucumber along with French bread, and dad bringing bean sprouts, tomatoes, salad dressing and this chocolate trifle for dessert, we had a really fabulous meal!! The girls played together and we all talked and worked around the kitchen putting everything together.

After Dad and Smug-Sister had to leave, I cleaned up the kitchen while Smug-Hub had some dinner and took out the trash and recycling (which was the only task that I needed to get done today that I hadn't managed to do). After all that, Smug-Baby, Smug-Hub and I all played on the floor, rolling around with the girl and catching up on our respective days. It was nice.

Now it is time to get ready for bed and make up my to-do list for tomorrow. It is my last day of work until after Christmas and I am stoked to have all that time off and even more stoked that Christmas is just a few days away!!

The Dishes Need to be Washed... Again...

Do you ever feel like you are just living the same day over and over? Every day the meals need to be made and the dishes cleaned up. The bed made and house straightened. Each week there is more laundry, more diapers, the bathroom looks scuzzy again and the dust piles up.

I get frustrated that my day is filled with all these tasks that I just have to keep repeating over and over and I am never finished. I don't want my life to be dishes and laundry. I want my life to be more than that and yet, I don't know what that "more" would be. What do I love doing more than all else?

Well, that would be taking care of my family of course! I love it when the house is clean and there is a hot meal on the table. I love when my husband is able to wear is favorite shirt and my daughter has access to her most comfy pajamas. I love the way the house smells when it is freshly cleaned or when I have been baking all day.

So, what exactly am I am complaining about? I love doing all the mundane daily and weekly tasks that keep my home and family running smoothly. I think that I am currently frustrated by these tasks because I am still not feeling 100% and I am tired a lot still and everything weighs on me. I feel horrible that my bathroom hasn't been really clean in a month! I hate that the dust is getting so thick that Smug-Baby can practice her drawing technique. I hate that I am struggling to do the very basic tasks to get by and can't manage to keep up on things.

Today, I haven't felt well at all and I threw up my lunch and Smug-Baby isn't feeling well and she has been crying and clingy all day. I got exactly nothing done today and when Smug-Hub got home from his 10 hours at work, he made dinner for Smug-Baby and I. It was all I could do to get myself ready for bed!

They are reading a bedtime story while I write this and I am listening to the happy sounds of baby and daddy in the other room and I am just sad that I once again feel too bad to be part of things. I just want to be left alone to sleep.

I am going to go to bed, secure in the knowledge that the "morning" (ha) sickness really IS getting better and perhaps tomorrow will be a better day for both Smug-Baby and I and if all else fails... Christmas is just a few days away!!!

Family

I was catching up on my Google Reader this morning and was struck when I read on Daily Garnish how sad Emily is not to have any family close to watch Cullen grow and change on a daily basis. I got thinking about how close my family is and how they have been able to watch Smug-Baby as she has changed over the almost two years.

I can't imagine not having the help and love and support of my family. I see some member of my family almost every day and Smug-Baby knows everyone and it is her routine to ask about what they are doing each morning when she wakes up and she needs to hear that "Pa" is sleeping and "Flo-f" is sleeping before she herself will settle into her nighttime rest. She asks who of the people she loves we are going to see whenever we leave the house and asks about them periodically throughout the day. She knows and loves my family and is so excited to see them when someone drops by the house.

As for me, my Mother was there to help me with nursing in the beginning and helps guide me in areas of nursing, nutrition and illness. My sister is my go-to on parenting since she had my nephew 9 years ago, she has been through most things and since she is currently dealing with almost the same developmental issues with Smug-Niece we talk daily on how best to parent our little ones. My dad and step-mom live the closest and we have become more friends than parent/child and we hang out with them weekly if not more. Since they only live 2 minutes away, dropping by for a quick 10 minute visit to get some hugs happens a lot. Smug-Baby is very close to them and runs like the wind when they come up the stairs and cries when they leave.

What if we didn't have that? What would her life, our lives, be without such wonderful, loving and supportive family close by? Smug-Hub's family lives very far away and they don't get to have the same kind of relationship with Smug-Baby as mine does. They visit for short periods of time, infrequently and it breaks my heart that in a time where air travel is possible, the cost really does keep families apart! I hate the the price of a plane ticket is the only thing that keeps Smug-Baby's other family from seeing her more!

I checked into tickets to fly to see them around the first of the year (not even for Christmas) and they are over $600 each!!! After February, when Smug-Baby is two, the airlines require her to have her own ticket - that will be $1,800 to fly to see family!! When Little-Smug arrives, it will just be too hard for us to travel, so that will mean that family will have to come to us. Smug-Hub has 3 brothers and his mother, so they are looking at a combined expense of $2,400 to come to see us!! I don't know anyone who has that kind of money and can just fly here to see us more than once every few years!!

I am broken-hearted that Smug-Baby and Little-Smug will not have the same kind of relationship with that side her family as she has with those close by, but I am beyond grateful that she has the chance to have a close relationship with the ones she can. I never was close to either set of my grandparents and while I loved them, I didn't really know them and I feel sorry that Smug-Baby and Little-Smug may feel like that about her other Grandmother and her Uncles. I have to get them a web-cam! That's all there is too it!!! Childhood is too short...

Breaking Through

Smug-Baby is cutting a molar. She has been chewing on her fingers, drooling and having some wonderful diaper contents over the last week and last night she finally let me stick my finger in her mouth to see what was going on. The bottom left molar is just about to break the surface! I am really excited about having teething behind us - and yes, I know that with Little-Smug on the way, we will be starting all over again!

Teething has been a constant in our lives almost from the moment Smug-Baby was born! I am ready for her to be pain free frankly! I will say that she is handling these molars like a champ - she has burst into tears for "no reason" a few times recently and has done just a bit of tossing and turning during the night, but overall, she hasn't seemed too affected by the pain of huge teeth pushing their way into her mouth and I am really proud of her!

I wish there was a way for her to tell me when she is hurting. Sometimes I notice her rubbing her head, and the chewing on her fingers is a dead give away, but I feel like if I could explain to her and she to me what was going on, it would be some much less frustrating for her.

I feel that way about a lot of things as she is getting older. Yesterday we worked through her first full on, honest to God, tantrum. I opened the back door to set the pan of cookies out there to cool and she wanted to play on the deck. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but it was too cold for her to go out there without shoes and socks, not to mention the last splinter she got was impossible to get out! I told her that we needed to get dressed before going outside, but she just understood no. She burst into hysterics and threw herself onto the floor and kicked and screamed and tried to hit me. I guess she really wanted to go outside! It was loads of fun!! At that point, I couldn't take her outside even I managed to get her shoes and socks on, because that would have reinforced the idea that screaming and throwing a fit gets her what she wants. I took her into her bedroom and lay on her bed with her and did end up nursing some after she calmed down a bit, but she screamed for almost 15 minutes!!

After she was calm I made a game of my feet "falling" off the edge of the bed and she started to giggle and was totally fine after that. I never did let her play on the deck, but she didn't ask to go out there again. The point is, if she had understood that I wasn't saying no, I was saying that she needed shoes and socks, she would have been totally fine with waiting until she was dressed and then playing happily on the deck. She understands a lot, but just missed the boat on this one and there was this huge mess over it.

When she is trying to tell me what she wants and I get it right, she gets the happiest grin on her face and giggles with delight that she has been able to communicate effectively. I love those moments where we are in sync and she gets what I am telling her and I get what she is telling me.

I guess I understand why they call it the terrible two's, not because kids are horrible, but because communication is so hit or miss at that age. They understand some things and not others. They get frustrated because they want so badly to understand what you are telling them and to make you understand what they need to tell you. It's going to be a tough time getting the basics of communication down, and I just have to try to focus on the fact that Smug-Baby is doing the best she can to adapt to the world and I have to play my part in helping her get there.

Let's Talk About Food Baby!!

Now that I am starting to come out of this funk that I have been living in for what seems like forever, I am actually starting to crave food again, not just something that I have to choke down! I have been looking back at what I have been eating since the morning sickness started and I start feeling sick all over again! How can a baby grow big and strong on frozen pizza, cereal and chocolate?!?!?

I want to get back to eating how I should and while I know that Christmas baking and gatherings will involve eating some of the things that I probably shouldn't, I feel like as long as I am getting 90% of my food from really good things, then the splurges won't cause a problem - besides, if I have been eating this crappy for the last few months and I am still functioning a few cookies and a pound or two of fudge won't hurt me :)

Breakfast - I want to get away from all the sweets for breakfast. I have been having a piece of fruit (honey crisp apple) and then either Kashi Go Lean Crunch or oatmeal with brown sugar and raisins. Sometimes I even have a cup of decaf with some delicious creamer. I want instead to get back in the habit of making my scrambled tofu, which consists of a block of tofu, crumbled up and cooked with a variety of veggies - green pepper, mushrooms, zucchini, squash, carrots, etc. and a bit of soy sauce, red pepper flakes and nutritional yeast. This is amazing along with a thick slice of whole grain toast and an apple and makes enough to eat for breakfast the whole week! This is a true complete meal, full of protein and veggies and whole grains and fruit!

Lunch - I have gone a few times recently to this wonderful restaurant where they have an unlimited soup and salad bar for lunch every day of the week and let me tell you, if I had $7.50 to spend on lunch every day, this is where I would go!! Everything is fresh and local and the best part is that all the salad fixings are cut up into bite-sized pieces! I have never understood the point of whole baby carrots or long strips of green pepper, you still have to cut up your salad before you can eat it! Anyway, I digress...

What I would like to do is to get all the normal salad ingredients and cut them up myself. I can store them in individual containers and then have my own little salad bar when I want to eat. I also found a recipe for a lentil and kale soup that looks really good. So I will be able to create my own soup and salad bar at home and have a Hugh Jass salad each day!!

For dinner, I would like to go back to making simple one dish meals that provide Smug-Hub with leftovers for his lunch the following day. I think that the evenings are still going to be hard for me from an energy standpoint, so I want to find things that don't take too long to make or I can stick in the crock pot earlier in the day. The evenings have been really tough so far, I am tired and that is when the nausea seems to come back, so I don't want then to be when I am having to put something fancy together. Peas and Thank You had been my go-to cookbook before I got feeling so lousy, so I think that I will just dig it out and start making some of Sara's amazing meals again. I have so many cookbooks and I want to use them and not just dust them weekly (OK, so I haven't dusted in a month, so sue me!!) so I hope to find some great, simple meals that Smug-Hub and Smug-Baby will also eat.

Last night I made a tofu loaf for Smug-Baby and I and had picked up a steak that Smug-Hub grilled and then I heated up a package of frozen green beans and boiled some new potatoes for a fairly complete meal. I won't talk about how Smug-Baby spit out the tofu loaf and then tossed her entire plate of food on the floor...

So, now I just need to rob a bank so I can afford to purchase all these good, quality food items that I want to eat...