Thoughts on Religion

Some people hide behind their religion, some people use it as a weapon, some people are ashamed of theirs, and others ignore it all together. For me, I think that religion or spirituality is a personal thing. If you find something that gives you peace and makes you feel good, then that is the religion for you.

I have a person in my life, whom I admire, but who feels that there is only one way to be close to God and if you are not on that path, you are doomed! I don’t understand this narrow view of God. There is a line from the movie “Saved” that has always stayed with me “If God wanted us all to be the same, then why did he make us all so different?” Having only one way to reach God does not really make sense to me. There are different approaches to almost everything in life, from politics to child rearing to how to cook eggplant!! How can there only be one “right” way to love or be close to God??

I took a world religions class one semester, and found that in all the religions that we studied, the basic principles were the same. Love each other, peace, faith, hope, happiness. The other thing that I noticed was that most of the religions failed to follow these basic principles in the name of their religion, such as the Smug-Hubtian Ten Commandments – “Thou Shall Not Kill” and the Crusades - total opposite from the main law of their religion. Killing in the name of faith is not a principle of ANY of the religions that I know about.

I have been burned by “Smug-Hubtians” in the past and I have found most of them to be hypocrites. I believe that God is all knowing and all seeing and I believe that God knows that I do my best to live and let live, have peace and balance in my life, be good to others, not litter, you know, stuff like that. I don’t need a building with a bunch of crap to recite to bring me close to God!!

I have recently converted to the Catholic faith…. I started the process when Smug-Hub and I first started to discuss the possibility of marriage. He is a cradle Catholic and was set on getting married in the Catholic Church. We started to attend mass on Sunday’s and I called about getting into the classes to convert. I was not so much interested in changing my belief system, but I was willing to make a change to give him the wedding that was important to him.

When I called about getting into the classes, I was told that you did not have to be Catholic to get married in the Catholic Church. She told me that the church wanted to people to come to the church freely with the coercion that would be in place with the marriage requirement. I decided to start the classes anyway and see what being Catholic was all about – I could always back out at any time.

When I attended the first class I was very nervous, as I waited for the judging and condemning to begin – there was none! When we attended Mass, my favorite aspect was the sense of community, the symbolism and ritual involved. I don’t feel any closer to God in church as I do the rest of the day or week, but I like setting aside time to focus on it.

I was very happy when I was baptized and confirmed into the church – mostly because Smug-Hub was so proud he was ready to pop out of his skin! The Church’s stance is about however much or little you feel comfortable with is how much you should do. If you want to attend Mass 3 times a week and go to confession every week then that is what you should do! If you only need to come to mass on special occasions and never pray the rosary, than that is OK to. I felt accepted! I feel that I can still have my own ideas about faith and still have that church community that I crave.

Bottom line – Find something that makes you feel good about where you are! Find God in the trees, a sunset, a child’s laugh, a church, a synagogue, or anywhere else! But, please, please, please, give others a chance to find their own way to God – it is not your job to make everyone think the way that you do. Are you right? Yes – for you. Am I right? – Yes, for me!!

These are just my thoughts and opinions – right or wrong, they are mine and I am entitled to them! Thanks for reading!!

Thoughts on Marriage

I have always heard that relationships are hard, relationships take work. Because of this, I spent many years in dysfunctional messes that I called relationships. What people don’t tell you is that the hard work is along the lines of gardening for someone who loves to garden, or photography for someone with the natural gift for capturing something on film.

As unhappy as I was during my years with Dave and with Gregg, I would not wish to go back and change anything because I really like the person that I have become and I love my life! The time I spent with each of them taught me about what I wanted from a relationship and how I deserved to be treated. More importantly, I learned about what I did not want and how I refused to be treated.

I am going to be legally married to Smug-Hub a just a few weeks. I say “legally” because we are already married in every way except legal. Smug-Hub and I have both learned from our pasts, and we respect each other. We understand what kind of work and compromise is required to make two separate lives into one cohesive unit. We hold each other up when we stumble, we listen when one of needs to vent. We never yell at each other or call each other names. When disagreements arise we are able to step back and look at each others point of view and we respect each other enough to work toward a solution that works for us both.

I used to think that if a couple was not fighting they did not care enough about the relationship to fight for it. I see now that Smug-Hub and I don’t fight because to DO care enough about the relationship to fight for it! We both deal with our internal desires to have everything our own way and pick the battles that are truly important and let the minor stuff go – it’s not worth it.

I know that Smug-Hub and I have both had our hearts broken in the past and we were both a bit nervous to give our patched up and battered hearts to someone else, but because of out past pain and past struggles we are both so much more aware of how precious this love is that we have found in each other.

I am so excited about getting married! I don’t think that the day after the wedding everything will change or something. I don’t think of marriage as a “cure”, but as a new chapter, one that I am excited to get to! I almost wish that the whole wedding thing was over, because that “day” is not the important thing – yes, I want it to be perfect and fun, but everything could fall apart, because as long as we are married at the end of the day – it will be perfect!

Family, The Ties That Bind And Gag...

So, I had a full 15 minute phone conversation with my brother the other day! We talked about movies and movie clubs and a few other minor things - he was actually PART of the conversation!! He actually talked back to me!! So, when I got my car inspected later that morning I suggested to him that I take him to see the Transformers movie the following evening since Smug-Hub would be out of town. He gave some lame excuses, but told me to call Wednesday afternoon to see if he could go.

I called him and he told me that he still had not showered up from work yet, and was supposed to give someone a ride later and would not be able to make the movie. I fully expected this and was fine with it.

I asked him if he had put in the request to have the day of the wedding off, as he works on Saturday's. He started to say "uhhhhh", and I went on saying that I would like to call on him during the day of the wedding to help run any errands that might come up. I told him that I would be very grateful. He proceeded to tell me that he might have been able to take a day off if it was any other day but Saturday as it was their busiest day. I told him that his sister did not get married all the time, that this was a once in a lifetime event and I was sure that they would be able to do without him for one day. He said that it was more complicated than that and he was just planning on coming to the wedding after he got off that day at 5. I told him that the wedding would be over by then and by the time he went home and showered the reception would be almost over!! He said "well, you know me, I'm not one for the mushy stuff" I said "It's not really about you is it? It is about a day that is of monumental importance to someone that you love" He said "We are going to have to talk about this later, I actually have people over right now and I need to go" I said "OK, I love you and I will call you later" He hung up.

I am very hurt! I don't ask much of my brother, he is not much into the family thing - OK. I make sure to acknowledge his birthday with a gift and Christmas with a gift because I love him, not because I expect something is return (which never happens anyway). I don't ask for free services on my car - nothing!! Except this! I want my family around on this most special of days! I thought that I was getting somewhere with David, what with the 15 minute phone call and everything!!

I don't know what we (the family) has done to make him hate us all so much!! He hates family get together's, except where gifts for him are involved (I know that is mean to say, but I am pissed). His excuse for everything is that he has no money, but he has money for full body tattoos and cigarettes!! What have I done?????????????

I feel all the more angry about this because my cousin is having a tiff with my uncle so she is not coming to the wedding either. Forget that this may be the last time our grandparents can make this kind of trip, forget that I have NOTHING to do with the argument - forgo the wedding because it might be tense for HER!

I don't ask much of others - I go out of my way to help whenever someone asks something of me. I try hard not to say no even when it puts hardship on me or stress on me. Smug-Hub is always telling me that it is OK to say no and that I should only say yes when it is truly no hardship of any kind. I really like helping others, it brings be joy to help out a friend. But, it does not to lead to people taking advantage, asking me to take on hardship when they know it is a hardship, making it hard for me to say no, even when they know that I would like to. But I don't get bitter, I help whenever and however I possibly can. I don't ask for much in return - why can't my own family members put me first just this once??

I miss my brother, I have not seen my cousin is several years - they are not able to put aside their own selfish impulses and think about someone else for just one day??

I don't care - I don't need them - I have plenty of other people in my life who are putting me first. Still cuts just a bit to know that people that are just acquaintances are moving their lives around to make it and putting out money for planes and hotels and my own local brother can't be bothered to take a few hours off work.....

Super Model for a Day!

OK, so I had the best day yesterday!! I had my bridal portrait session at 5pm, so the whole day was spent in preparation! I actually was so excited that I was not able to sleep well and was up for the day at 3:30 - so I watched some Bridezillas and had a bowl of Cheerios, then went to work getting all my wedding gear together. Makeup, hair stuff, undergarments, jewelry, camera, etc. Then I got Smug-Hub up and took him to work, then I ran out to SpeeDee (the place where my brother works) and got my car inspected. When I returned home I took my time in the shower, shaving my legs, doing a facial mask, stuff like that - I just wanted to feel pampered. About 20 minutes before I needed to leave the house I started feeling like I was in desperate need of nap, so I set the timer and shut my eyes, about 45 seconds later Smug-Sister called, so I talked to her for a few minutes and then it was time to head out.

I met up with Mom and Will at SpeeDee so Mom could leave her car to be worked on and we all headed up with Rocky Mount to the hair place. Candy cut Will's hair first and then went to work on me! I had a picture of a sort of messy updo/bun thing that I thought looked really cool and Candy put a bit of her own creativity into the design, and I TOTALLY LOVED IT!!! The outcome was very classy and unique and did I mention how much I loved it???

We then headed back into Roanoke and I realized that all I had eaten all day was Cheerios! So we ran to Panera for a quick salad and Sassy met up with us there and we all drove to the hotel (where I was to get ready) together!

Sassy and Smug-Sister helped me get into all my wedding finery and then Sassy went to work on my makeup. This would be the time to mention that I currently have 2 zits (I hardly ever break out) AND a gold sore on my lip!! Sassy had her work cut out for her, but she rose to the challenge and I turned out looking fabulous. Smug-Sister helped me with the necklace and earrings and I was all set and ready to go.

The photographers arrived about that time and we started taking pictures! We took a few at the hotel then we all piled into cars and drove downtown and spent the next few hours walking around and taking pictures at cool locations. The photographers, d'Artisti, were so much fun to work with! They are a married couple and they are so cute with each other! They bicker and banter back and forth just like Smug-Hub and I do - I could so be buddies with them!!

When we finished up, I was really anxious to get back into "summer" clothes and took a nice long shower when I got home! I was tired, hungry, and completely happy! This was so much fun!! Everyone should have a couple of photographers take them to cool places and spend hours taking a ton of pictures!! So much fun!!

I am such a lucky woman! I have a wonderful family, great friends, a fabulous boy who wants to marry me, a job that I enjoy, an education, a nice car and a nice place to live!! I am so grateful to have all this!!

Love of a Lifetime

I received a card from my Grandmother in yesterday's mail. She was congratulating me on my recent completion of the BBA program. She sent me money, which all Grandparents do, but what made this so special to me, was that she did this all on her own. In my Grandparent's marriage, my Grandmother took care of the home and the children and my Grandfather took care of bring in the money and paying the bills. My Grandmother never learned how to balance a checkbook or even write checks! Every birthday card or check that I received was always in my Grandfathers handwriting.

A few years ago, my Grandfather came very close to passing away, after the scare pasted, he insisted that she set down with him every month to pay the bills, balance the checkbook and learn about all the details that he had always been responsible for. She was very slow to learn, but finally a few months ago, they set her up with her very own checking account and she has been working on managing her own money.

The check that she wrote me was from her very own checking account and the card was written and signed by her alone!

This is a strange feeling for me. I feel proud of her. Proud that she has been able to learn something that is like a complete second nature for me. She is learning to be more self sufficient and should be able to care for herself if/when she is on her own.

My Grandparents will celebrate their 62nd wedding anniversary this year! They have been a part of each others lives for so long, that I am not sure that either of them would be able to function if the other passed on.

I went to the funeral for the wife of a very dear friend yesterday, Dover and his wife had been married for 43 years, and he is in so much pain that I feel tears welling up as I type this. I cried throughout the service, and at the conclusion, Dover headed down the center aisle to hug Smug-Hub, they both broke down in tears. Dover then hugged me and kept apologizing for his tears.

I know that death is a part of life, and I truly hope to spend the next 43 or 62 years loving Smug-Hub as much as my Grandparents love each other or Dover and Dolores loved each other. I know that I am going to have to morn the loss of both of my sets of Grandparents and probably both of my parents and maybe even Smug-Hub before I will leave this earth and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it....

Smug Falls Apart

I think that the school, work, wedding, moving, stress has finally caught up with me. I have been getting steadily sicker since Tuesday. I started feeling like a had a small frog in my throat Monday night and woke up Tuesday morning feeling like dog crap. I went into work for a few hours to do some "must do's" and then I e-mailed everything that I needed to myself and went home to work from home and rest. I thought that this was working OK, I was getting things done and still getting time to sleep. I even felt better Wednesday, but Thursday and today have just been really bad. I lost most of my voice yesterday and while I am able to function during the main part of the day, the mornings and evenings are really horrible. I can't breathe and can't rest due to the lack of breathing.

I am finally printing the board package and actually have it about 75% complete. Once they go into the mail, I am heading home. Smug-Hub has decided that I HAVE to see the doctor, so I made a 2pm appointment. I really hope that whatever they give me allows me to sleep like all weekend long!! I am so tired and achy and did I mention that I can't breathe?? There is an actual whistle when I pull air into my lungs, I think this is from the Flem in my throat, which no amount of painful coughing helps to dislodge.

OK, enough with the pity party!! We had friends over last night for dinner and to watch 300. I went to bed about half way through it and the whole evening is kind of a haze, but it was very stylized, and reminded me of Sin City, so if you liked Sin City, you will probably like 300 too. I am actually looking forward to watching it all the way through.

I am getting married next month!! 50 days!!

By The Power Of Grayskull!

OK, Hot Fuzz is officially the funniest movie of the year!! Smug-Hub and I loved Shawn of The Dead and so thought we would like Hot Fuzz too. We went to see it in the theatre and spent the next week quoting it to each other and randomly laughing as a scene came to mind. Believe me, our friends thought we were possessed or something.

Well, it finally came out on DVD and arrived at our house yesterday, we did not even stop to make dinner before popping it into the DVD player and watching it. We laughed as much as we did the first time and kept grabbing or smacking each other as one part or another came on the screen.

Once you see the movie you will understand the title of this post!

Then, we both promptly feel asleep on the couch until about 11:30pm - we are such the old married couple already! Yes, this was our wild and crazy evening - staying up late to watch a movie on a work night!!!

We are planning on having a cookout tonight with another couple and watching the other movie that arrived yesterday - 300. Smug-Hub saw it in the theatre in ABQ with his brothers and they all loved it. I will let you know what I think, I heard it was pretty graphic and bloody, but maybe it will still be OK.