Weekend Plan

I am going to have an amazing weekend! I got up early this morning to get all packed and now that I am already to go, I have time for a quick post before I head off to work.

I am going to my friend's home to meet her daughter for the first time! Smug-Baby and I will head up there today as soon as I finish work and while I am packed to spend the night, I may just come home in the evening. I don't want to add any stress to my friend, she just had a baby and I know how tiring it can be to have visitors day in and day out and to add someone wanting clean towels to the mix can just be too much. We will play that part by ear!

The drive will take a little more than 90 minutes and I am thinking that Smug-Baby will nap most of the way and be happy once we arrive. Best laid plans and all, so we will see how that goes.

I picked up a little something for the new baby and a birthday gift for my friend's son, who turned two yesterday! I also picked up a new toy for Smug-Baby, thinking that she would be preoccupied with her own bag to dig into and let the boy open his own birthday gift!! Again, best laid plans...

I am so looking forward to seeing my friend! I haven't seen her since New Years and I miss her terribly! It is so hard to find people that you really connect with and don't drive you nuts on one level or another and while I am happy that she is happy in her new city, I really hate that she moved so far away!

We don't agree on every issue but the thing that makes this friendship great is that agreeing on every issue isn't the basis of our friendship and it simply doesn't matter to her that I think dairy is the devil that I can't seem to give up and I don't care that she eats meat! Our friendship is based on the fact that we both know what it is like to be seen as different and to feel judgment for our choices. We understand how much that hurts and how desperately we need to be loved and accepted for who we are and have it understood that we are making the best, most educated decisions about our lives, children, families and parenting styles as possible.

We may not do everything that same, but we are really on the same path of loving and caring about each other, not in spite of our differences but because of them.

All that being said, we really do agree on a lot of things and perhaps we would find it hard to be as fast friends if we were not on the same page about so much, but regardless I hold her very dear and I am so excited about seeing her!

I am also really excited to see how Smug-Baby reacts to the new baby. She has gotten very into babies lately, pointing them out when we see one and carrying around her baby books (the ones Santa brought her about being a big sister and having a new baby in the house). When you ask her where her baby brother is, often she will pat her own stomach. However, we aren't really around a lot of babies for any length of time so I am interested to see what she thinks of one up close.

Ok, I have to load all this stuff into the car and head off to work! Just a few short hours and I will be making faces at a new sweet and squishy baby of love!!! Have a great weekend everyone!!

Frustration

It may be the pregnancy hormones talking but I am not feeling the love lately. Smug-Hub is generally really great about putting himself in my shoes and seeing things from my side and we have always been able to come to a compromise about whatever we are disagreeing on by walking in the other's shoes for a bit.

Well, lately I am feeling like he is not at all interested in walking my shoes. He wants what he wants and is unwilling to even consider my feelings on the matter. I feel like he is so busy forming his response to what he thinks that I am going to say that he fails to even listen completely to my point. When I tried to talk to him about this, he cut me off to tell me how he is feeling.

One of the things that I think is important in a marriage is finding important the things that your partner finds important. That isn't to say that you have to suddenly become a Dallas Cowboy fan just because your husband his, but it does mean that you have to hand over the remote and maybe even watch the game with him when the Cowboys are playing instead of making him watch the Food Network.

I think that if something is important to Smug-Hub than I need to make it a priority to understand where he is coming from and try to give a little on my end to get us to a compromise. However, it is just as important that he find what I think is important also important and I am not feeling that from him lately.

I know that the adjustment to a new baby coming as well as the impending loss of my job has to be weighing heavily on him and I am concerned that rather than talking to me about his fears and concerns, he is just getting resentful; holding it all inside and trying to deal with it himself and that makes him preoccupied with his own stuff. Instead of talking out what is bothering him, he is just snappish.

I think that he feels like he is put upon at the moment with all his unexpressed worry and feels like that entitles him to be cut some slack in other areas. However, since this is just a guess on my part and I don't really know what is up with him, I just end up feeling taking advantage of and like what I want or need doesn't matter.

What I need is for people to take care of the pregnant chick right now! I don't want to have to coddle anyone's hurt feelings, stepped on toes, or perceived offencies. I want my husband and everyone else in my life to take a chill pill and understand that being pregnant is hard! Being pregnant with an early morning job and a full time toddler is super, freakin', crazy hard!! I need some love people!! I need Smug-Hub to get out of his own head, grow up and be the man of the family!! Put Smug-Baby and I before his own wants and needs!!!!

Maybe he feels like he is doing that and staying up late at night is his one concession, but I wouldn't know that because he isn't talking to me. Maybe he feels like since he has the weight of our financial future on his shoulders (which he doesn't, but maybe he feels that way) that I should give in to him when he wants something, but again, he isn't talking about anything deeper than what's for dinner!!

I know that I should be talking to him about all this and not venting here, but hey! this is what my blog is for - keeping track of my life and all that happens. The good, the great and the really sucky!

I love my husband and I think we have an amazing love and life together. It's not that I think he doesn't love me or want to be a good husband. I just think we are having a little rough patch and it's time for a sit down, open and honest discussion!!

Thanks for letting me bitch!

She is Two!

Two years ago today, she made me a mother. She was perfect then and perhaps even more perfect now. I can't believe how much time has passed and how quickly! She has changed so much over the last year.

We had a birthday party for her this weekend and she was amazing! She was good as gold; sharing her toys, blowing out her candle (with some help), and opening her gifts. She faded quickly after people left and took a nice long nap, but during the actual party she was wonderful!

Below are several pictures from her party:



Above is one tried and happy party girl!!

 

She received wonderful gifts and she loves them all. The shopping cart was probably the biggest hit, after the balloons of course!! But she really does enjoy and play with everything she received!

 

My Smug-Baby is two! I can't believe it! She has learned so much over the last year and over the course of her whole life. She knows so many words now! She has full on opinions. She is courageous and has no fear when to comes to climbing something, jumping off of something or trying new things. As long as she has hold of mine or daddy's hand, she is confident to try almost anything!

 

She has decided what foods she likes (cream of wheat, lentil soup, cheese and everything else) and what she doesn't (almost nothing :) ) She knows what programs she likes on TV (Elmo, Peppa Pig, and newly Shrek!) She is full of love and hugs and kisses. She asks for kisses when something hurts, magic mommy kisses heal almost all wounds! She shares her toys and food with others, even when they don't want what she is offering.

 

She is my life and my love and I can't imagine spending more than a few hours away from her! I even get bored when she takes a long and nap and wish she would wake up so I would have someone to play with!

 

Someone asked if love at first sight exists and I say to you now - Oh yes! It totally does!!

 

Happy Birthday Peanut Butter Face!!!!

 

What The Heck Does That Mean???

I am off to work in a few moments, but I had a dream last night that I thought I should record before it left me.

I dreamed that I was participating in some contest where you get random people to pose with you for a picture in front of their house, holding a group of white flowers. I ended up at my old apartment (my first apartment actually), and was going to knock on the door to the downstairs apartment because these were, apparently, my old roommates (not true in real life). Instead, as I came up the stairs of the porch, the door to the upstairs apartment, my old apartment opened and my old boyfriend, Dave stepped out and said hello. I realized that he thought I was there to see him and I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I went upstairs with him.

I guess he had seen me coming up the sidewalk with flowers and got the wrong idea. The thing is, he looked terrible!! He was balding on top while letting the rest of his rapidly thinning hair grow long and straggly down to his shoulders (He always had thick hair). He was overweight by a lot (he was always very fit when we were together) and wearing a polyester suit, a la Napoleon Dynamite that was about 3-4 sizes too small.

You could see every pudge and roll and it was embarrassing to look at him. I think that is why I went along upstairs and let him think that I was there with flowers to make up or something because he just looked so bad and pathetic!

Anyway, we made small talk for a bit and I don't even remember anything except I asked him why he was still living in that rundown apartment so many years later, but I don't remember his response.

Next thing I know, I am downstairs. I guess I left Dave with the excuse that I needed to find my keys (what?) and went downstairs to try to get the picture I was originally there to get and ran into my old roommates, who just happened to be the full cast from The Big Bang Theory.

In this dream, we had all been roommates a long time ago and there was easy banter back and forth. Then Dave came in and yelled at me for pretending to look for my keys and leading him on.

That was the end of the dream and I am not sure why I woke up thinking about it, but I guess there is a part of me that would love to run into some of the people in my life who have hurt me and see a physical manifestation of the debt they are paying to Karma! I would also like the people who have hurt me to feel badly about it and say that they are sorry, but Dave didn't do that in this dream, he thought I was there to get back with him, which is to say that his ego appeared to be still fully intact!

I haven't thought about Dave much in the last several years, after all I haven't laid eyes on him since we broke up over 12 years ago. He did come up when we were considering David as a name for our son, but that was several weeks ago and I didn't give him another thought after Davy was discarded.

Maybe this dream has more to do with doing things for people because I feel sorry for them even when I don't want to than Dave specifically. I was there for another reason, but because I felt sorry for him I let myself be derailed from my plans. Hmmmm.... Except, I don't think that I do things for people because I feel sorry for them. I genuinely like helping people when and where I can (like holding a door for someone, or helping pick up when a stranger has dropped their stuff) and while sometimes it would be nice to have the favor returned (thank you to the dude who let the door slam on me while I was carrying my huge belly, a Smug-Baby, a diaper bag and several books!!), I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it.

Maybe dreams are just dreams and we shouldn't read too much into them... Too bad, I was sort of hoping that the dream I had about him:

Could somehow come true!!! :)

Happy Friday Everyone!

Sweet Dreams!!

Sickly Me

I am sick. I have been sick since Sunday, but it really hit me hard on Monday and Tuesday and I am just now feeling recovered enough to think about living. I really hate being sick, but it is really hard to be sick when you are pregnant and have a small Smug-Baby to take care of!!

I also have a huge list of things to do to get ready for her birthday party this weekend and my normal huge list of daily/weekly tasks that I need to do to keep the house running. And while I know that I should be resting, I can't settle enough to sleep or even relax knowing what I have to do and watching the time tick by knowing that I should be resting and at the same time should be getting stuff done.

I think that it's the mommy syndrome - when we become parents we suddenly become unable to take good care of ourselves. We want to, we just can't manage it. Forcing yourself to lay down to nap is easier said than done because you lay there running down your "to do" list in your head over and over and keep thinking "I really should jump up and get the dishwasher started and then I'll be able to nap" or "If I get that load of laundry started, it can be washing itself while I nap"

The problem is that once you start jumping up and get one thing going, you realize that you need to get just one more thing done and before you know it, Smug-Baby is toddling down the hall, finished with her nap and asking for lunch!!

The flip side is that you force yourself to lay there and not jump up and get anything done, and the to do list just plays in your head over and over and you feel more and more frustrated and toss and turn and never fall asleep and never feel rested and hate that you wasted this valuable time "resting" and getting no rest.

Its a nasty cycle and I have no idea how to break it. I want to take the time to rest. I do know that all the work will still be there and I can call on my family to help me when things get overwhelming, but I still can't seem to shut my head off and get the rest I know I need.

Oh well, I guess there isn't anything for it, but to try to find balance. Get some things done and get some rest.

Wish me luck today as the list is quite long but totally doable!!

Looking Back and Looking Forward

This weekend was really nice. Saturday was spent doing fun things as a family and Sunday was spent doing all the not so fun things as a family. Saturday morning was my nephew’s basketball game and while Smug-Baby didn’t enjoy the game much, she did enjoy running the halls with the other big kids. After the game, we had a prenatal appointment with our Doula and since it was convenient to us all, we had it my mom’s place. She ended up taking Smug-Baby shopping (where she napped in the shopping cart with a cookie in her mouth – awww) and that gave us some quality time with the Doula to discuss more of our fears and work on ways for her to help us take back control in the delivery room. It kept snowing during the visit, like full on blizzard for about 4 minutes and then the sun would come out for a while and then repeat. It was nice to be cozy beside a warm fire, having good conversation and watching the pretty flakes falling.

After that, we had a wonderful lunch at a pizza place where we had a gift card and we ate ourselves silly. Then we came home and Smug-Hub played with Smug-Baby (read: sat with her while she watched Elmo until they both fell asleep) while I took a nap. It was wonderful to sleep for a whole hour without having to pee or get up to take care of Smug-Baby. We made some dinner and hung out, having nice conversations and just enjoying being together.

Sunday was a different story. The head cold that Smug-Baby has had all week finally hit Smug-Hub and I so we were not in the best of moods and no offence to my loving husband, he is a totally piece of shit when he is sick and add to that I was sick too, and we ended up feeling a lot of not so nice feelings toward each other all day. That aside, we worked together to get the house cleaned and the laundry done, diapers washed and wipes made, groceries purchased and dinner made. Overall it was a productive if not happy day and I am glad to have all that house stuff out of the way.

This week should be fairly laid back. There is a break in Story Time at the library so we only have Melody Makers this morning and nothing else scheduled. Since the house is in good shape, I should be able to nap with Smug-Baby every day as long as I take some time each day to keep things picked up.

Tomorrow or Wednesday I need to hit the grocery store for all the things I need for Smug-Baby’s birthday party and I need to make some phone calls today to find someone to blow up the balloons I have and I need to make an appointment with the chiropractor. Friday will be busy because I need to do all the prep work and anything I can ahead for Smug-Baby’s party. The party is at 10am on Saturday, so there won’t be tons of time to get everything done. My mom is going to come over and help me with everything and may even take Smug-Baby to the mall or park or something to give me some concentrated time to work on stuff uninterrupted. That way, Saturday morning will mostly be putting the final touches on everything and enjoying myself J

I am determined to stay on track and on schedule and keep the house picked up and things looking nice. I am just going to have to do it tomorrow, because it is time for work now and I feel like death, so I am not sure I will be worth much today… Tomorrow, Tomorrow I’ll be on schedule tomorrow…

Comparing

I pulled out the sheet where I kept track of my weight gain when I was pregnant with Smug-Baby and I am gaining more slowly this time around, but not by too much. I am also not having any swelling yet with Little-Smug and I was by this point with Smug-Baby.

Maybe this is because I am walking more this time and more active in other ways simply because I am chasing a toddler around; maybe its just because every pregnancy is different. I weigh about the same now at 23 weeks as I did when I got pregnant with Smug-Baby, so perhaps having a little less excess weight to begin with is making a difference too.

I don't want to get into too much comparing because every pregnancy is different and to compare myself to others in terms of weight gain or belly size would just be silly. I really shouldn't even be comparing myself to myself!!

I met a women yesterday and I thought "I bet she is due about the same time I am" so I asked her and she is due next week!! Our belly's are the same size!!! She is almost finished and I am only half way!! I must be huge, I must look like a house!! Then I stopped. She is smaller person than I am, her body is way different and to compare our belly's just makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. It's funny, it never occurred to me to think that her belly was too small...

I read posts on Baby Center and Baby Zone and the like and people are always asking each other how much weight they have gained or belly measurements. I just worry that people are focused on the wrong thing! Is your doctor happy with your gain/measurements? Then, let it be!! Thinking that this person only gained 12 pounds their whole pregnancy isn't going to make you feel wonderful that you have gained 12 and are only 23 weeks you know??

I do like feeling like I am somehow in a better place than I was with Smug-Baby simply because, since she is so perfect, if I am having and even healthier pregnancy then it might ensure that Little-Smug is just as perfect. Silly, but I like it!

Off to bed with my tired little Smug-Baby. She has done really well today, napped for 3 hours and played like she wasn't feeling badly at all, but now that it is about bed time, she is starting to fall apart and Smug-Hub isn't going to do. She wants Mama and who can argue with that?!?!?