As I left the house for work yesterday morning, moving as quietly about the house as possible, I heard my daughter wake. I froze listening to her moving around and her little sounds. I hear her get up and go into the big bed, then she says "mama work?" cries a second or two, and cuddles into Smug-Hub's arms and goes back to sleep.
It broke my heart to leave her then, even though I know that she finds comfort in his arms and was back sleeping. I felt like I should have gone to her, even though she thought I had already left and she was ASLEEP! I know that she loves her daddy and is so excited to see him and asks about him throughout the day. So I know that she finds comfort in his arms when I am not there, however, he is still second best and she finds more comfort from me. She prefers mama and he is just a substitute that she accepts when I am not there for her.
I'm not saying that he isn't good enough, he is, but he is just that - good enough, when I am the best! I don't say this to gloat, I say it because it makes me sad. I am reading all this stuff about child psychology and how important it is to meet the needs of the very young child to help them establish a foundation of trust and love and understanding that they are important and deserve to have their needs met. Here I am hiding in the living room, knowing that my daughter needs my arms to soothe her and yet, I know that I have to go to work and if I went in there, she would be fully awake and be more unhappy when I did have to leave.
I guess the bottom line is, I am really feeling ready for this lay-off to happen so I can stay in bed with her until she is ready to get up. I am ready to stay in bed until I am ready to get up. I am ready for breakfast as a family. I am ready for play time as a family in the morning. I am ready to feel rested during the day and have the patience that I struggle with due to exhaustion. I am ready for the new chapter of our family life. I am ready to meet my son.
I have 2-3 weeks left at work and I am really grateful to have them. We need as many weeks of full paychecks as possible and to spread the severance pay out as long as is possible. I know that 2-3 more weeks is nothing when I have been doing this for years now, but I am still looking forward to being home full time.
I am not really looking forward to my last day with my company though. I am still feeling really sad about not coming back here. This building has been my home for the last almost 11 years and not to come here just doesn't feel right. I will miss all my co-workers so much and having some adult interaction and a way to use my brain a little bit each day. There is a lot about my job that I love and I will miss it terribly.
I do feel like this is for the best and I am ready to be open to the changes that life will bring, but it doesn't mean that change isn't hard. I just keep thinking forward to the morning when Smug-Baby comes into the bedroom and climbs into the bed and cuddles up to me and doesn't have to ask "mama work?" anymore.
It broke my heart to leave her then, even though I know that she finds comfort in his arms and was back sleeping. I felt like I should have gone to her, even though she thought I had already left and she was ASLEEP! I know that she loves her daddy and is so excited to see him and asks about him throughout the day. So I know that she finds comfort in his arms when I am not there, however, he is still second best and she finds more comfort from me. She prefers mama and he is just a substitute that she accepts when I am not there for her.
I'm not saying that he isn't good enough, he is, but he is just that - good enough, when I am the best! I don't say this to gloat, I say it because it makes me sad. I am reading all this stuff about child psychology and how important it is to meet the needs of the very young child to help them establish a foundation of trust and love and understanding that they are important and deserve to have their needs met. Here I am hiding in the living room, knowing that my daughter needs my arms to soothe her and yet, I know that I have to go to work and if I went in there, she would be fully awake and be more unhappy when I did have to leave.
I guess the bottom line is, I am really feeling ready for this lay-off to happen so I can stay in bed with her until she is ready to get up. I am ready to stay in bed until I am ready to get up. I am ready for breakfast as a family. I am ready for play time as a family in the morning. I am ready to feel rested during the day and have the patience that I struggle with due to exhaustion. I am ready for the new chapter of our family life. I am ready to meet my son.
I have 2-3 weeks left at work and I am really grateful to have them. We need as many weeks of full paychecks as possible and to spread the severance pay out as long as is possible. I know that 2-3 more weeks is nothing when I have been doing this for years now, but I am still looking forward to being home full time.
I am not really looking forward to my last day with my company though. I am still feeling really sad about not coming back here. This building has been my home for the last almost 11 years and not to come here just doesn't feel right. I will miss all my co-workers so much and having some adult interaction and a way to use my brain a little bit each day. There is a lot about my job that I love and I will miss it terribly.
I do feel like this is for the best and I am ready to be open to the changes that life will bring, but it doesn't mean that change isn't hard. I just keep thinking forward to the morning when Smug-Baby comes into the bedroom and climbs into the bed and cuddles up to me and doesn't have to ask "mama work?" anymore.
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