Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Starting a New Chapter

I have taken a job. A full time, important, grown-up job. I am feeling mostly at peace with the decision, but there are concerns too. It all started when I was having some pain in my side and back. I asked my friend, who is studying massage, to come over and take a look because the chiropractor was closed and I felt like the pain was getting worse. She looked me over and tried a few things, but the most profound thing she told me was that I wasn't breathing well. My breath was shallow and my chest and shoulders were behaving like I was being pressed under a rock or something else heavy. The following day, my husband and I were talking about the enormous financial pressure our family has been living under and I realized that I was suffocating under the weight and it clicked! The weight and pressure of our financial situation was causing a physical reaction in my body. I wasn't breathing like I should be breathing because of the pressure. My husband confided that he was worried about me and about the pace I was going and concerned about how much longer I could sustain without breaking.

I spent a lot of time thinking that night before falling asleep and woke to the phone ringing. My sister calling to chat. I told her about my night of revelation and my wondering if I was being a good mom. Being that I was so tired all the time, I was snappy with the kids and unable to focus on completing tasks around the house or make healthy meals. I would find myself lying on the floor in tears because I was too tired to do anything else. I brought up the possibility of seeing what full time jobs were available and my sister suggested we do some math and figure out what base salary I'd need to make going back to work and paying for childcare and everything worthwhile. Once we had a number in mind, I decided that I'd do some more soul searching and take a look at what jobs might be available.

About 15 minutes later, my sister called back and told me that her company was hiring for a position that she thought I'd qualify for, but the catch was, I needed to apply that day as it was the last day the job posting would be up. I decided to apply and see what happened.

I was contacted for a couple of interviews and HR called to ask me my salary requirements and then they offered me the job...at $5,000 more a year than I'd asked for!!!!! I accepted and start my new job on Monday.

The last few weeks have a been a blur of arranging childcare, getting work clothes, getting new glasses, and preparing for a new routine. I think I'm ready!

The kids have been attending a local pre-school program and both seem to like it, although my son is much more clingy since having started so I knew he is feeling some effects. My girlfriend is going to pick them up from school and keep them until I finish work. Everything seems to have fallen into place and that brings me a lot of peace about the decision, like its the right time for this to be happening.

I am still concerned about my son. He has been going 2 days the last two weeks and will go 3 this week and 4 next week before jumping into all 5 days. If he is clingy and feeling insecure at 2 days, what is 5 going to do to him? I also fear that my husband doesn't fully appreciate what this is going to do to his quality of life. I started working part-time when my daughter was born, so my husband has no sense of what life is like with two full-time working parents. I don't think he has a concept of how much I do at home during the day. He only sees what I am not able to get done - the vacuuming of the floor or mopping the kitchen. He doesn't see the constant cleaning of the kitchen or the constant clutter pick up or the never-ending piles of laundry. I think he thinks that I will continue to be able to handle all that I handle around the house now (because he doesn't think its much) and work a full-time job. I feel like since I will be bringing in the same amount of money he is and working the same hours he is and handling the kids the same amount he is, he should handling an equal amount of housework.

He complains about his lack of free time daily. He doesn't have time to work on house projects (which he didn't work on when he had time, but suddenly now, its an issue). He doesn't have time to eat dinner when he gets home from work, but because its the kids bedtime. He never gets to just relax and watch football or the news. I don't know what he thought parenting and being an adult was going to be like. All I know is that I don't have time to watch TV, work on special projects or even eat sitting down, so I'm not sure what the complaint is really.

Today, I have several errands to run while the kids are at school and my friend is going to run through pick up with me and come over this afternoon to go over the code to get into the house, how to work the remotes and the like. Tomorrow my son won't go to school, so I'll take him to the library as it will be our last day together. Thursday, I'm taking the car for an oil change and Friday is Halloween and there are activities at their school as well as things we will do as a family. Saturday I'm taking my daughter to a princess party and Sunday, my sister and I doing each others nails and we are having a cookout at my dad's. That's it. That will mark the end of my SAHM career (if you can call 4 jobs plus parenting "stay at home mom"). I dreamed of being a mom my whole life, of staying home and giving my kids the best start possible. I waited so long and I blinked and its over. I mean, the full-time mommy thing, not the whole parenting thing. But, the truth is, starting Monday, other people will be with my kids more of their waking hours than I and that's hard for me. it should be me...