Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Sunday we took Smug-Baby to the park to play for a little while. It was brisk, but the sun was shinning and we wanted to ware her down a bit before trying to get her to sleep for her nap. As it was, she slept for 3 hours that afternoon, so maybe we didn't really need the park :) Regardless, she had a great time!

She started out scared to go down the slide and Smug-Hub held her and they went down together a few times. Then she would go by herself, but she needed one of us to hold her hand all the way down. Finally, she did the whole shooting match on her own! When she got to the bottom, she laughed as she looked up at me and said "Fun!!"

It was great and I hear that tomorrow is going to be in the 60's and Wednesday close to 70 (strange for January and February but whatever!) so I plan on making sure we spend a lot of time hanging at the park!

Have a wonderful day everyone!!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Be Careful What You Ask For

Just a quick post before work today.

The weekend was stressful as far as the sleeping thing went. Smug-Baby was up a lot during the night, nursing a lot during the night and we were all sleep deprived so the weekend was a blur. Nice, but a haze of exhaustion.

Last night, as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I asked God for a couple of things.

1) I asked that Smug-Baby sleep for a bunch of hours before waking up.
2) I asked that I not have to pee while she was awake.
3) I asked that she be sleeping peacefully when I needed to get up for work.

Here's how the night went. She fell and hit her head on the coffee table and so needed some "feel-better-Binky's". This was right about 9pm and she just fell asleep in my arms while nursing. I laid her down, peed and went to bed. Score!

She slept until 2:15am (thank you God for answering #1). This means that I slept for 5 full hours without waking.

She asked me to come into her bed for Binky's, so I did and she nursed for a count of 30 and then I told her "Binky's all done" and she rolled over and went back to sleep. I laid with her for a few more minutes to make sure and then rolled off of her bed and went to the bathroom (thank you God for answering #2).

About 3 minutes after I had gotten back into bed and Smug-Hub had come to bed and gotten himself all settled, she woke up again.

This time she wanted to come into my bed. I let her nurse for a count of 30 on each side, before really putting everything away. She wanted to get up and I explained that it was dark out (something I have been doing the last several nights) and that we stay in the bed when it is dark. She wanted water, which I had right by the bed. She then flopped all over the bed and Smug-Hub. I swear there isn't a square inch of that bed in which she hasn't laid!! She asked for a diaper change (because she wants to get up) and I told her no, that it was dark and we stayed in bed when it was dark. She didn't go back to sleep at all.

About 4:15, she asked for Binky's again and cried as I explained that Binky's were sore and they needed to rest. I told her that Binky's were done for the night, but that I would hold her and cuddle her as long as she needed me to. She cried a bit, but calmed down and fell asleep... at 4:35. I was able to slip out of bed without waking her (thank you God for answering #3).

I am all ready for work and just waiting for the car to warm up a bit and I got to thinking that God really did grant me everything that I had asked for. I just forgot to ask that she sleep through the night or that I would feel rested this morning.

Something to think about! I guess I will have to add a few things to my prayers tonight.

Wish me luck as I face another day feeling like my eyeballs are going to fall out...

Friday, January 27, 2012

My Son

I am almost too excited to think! I am also feeling frustrated at the moment, because I really wanted to scan in pictures from the ultrasound and post them, but the scanner isn't working correctly and even though I got up early this morning to try to fix it, it isn't working!! I even called HP customer service but my printer is out of warranty so it is going to cost me $40 to figure out the issue and the dude doesn't speak English well, so I feel like I need to try to find a solution online before spending that kind of money!

But all that frustration is nothing really because I have a son! There is a little penis clear as day on those sonogram pictures and I couldn't be happier! I really didn't have a good strong feeling about what he was going to be, but I wasn't surprised to learn he was a boy. I think that I would have been more surprised to find out it was a girl really, but this was great!!

We didn't do anything special as for us finding out, we just let the technician show us, but we did make it special for the family.

We had everyone over at 5:30 (dad was late by 10 minutes and it almost killed everyone)!! Once everyone was assembled, I took Smug-Baby into her bedroom and took off all her clothes leaving only a blue diaper on her little butt. Then I opened the door and she took off like a shot into the living room.

Smug-Sister threw her arms up and yelled "Boy!!!" and everyone laughed and there were lots of hugs and phrases like "I knew it all along". It was really nice for Smug-Grandma who is always 100% of the time wrong and she thought it was a boy, so her streak is over!

After that, we all had some veggie soup and fresh bread, cheese and crackers and chocolate chip cookies and talked and laughed and watched Smug-Baby beat up on her 9 year old cousin - it was funny to watch him cowering in the floor while she jumped all over him!!

After everyone left and we straighted up the house and cleaned the kitchen (Smug-Grandma actually did most of the kitchen) and we all get settled down, we talked to Smug-Baby about her little brother. She was really nonplussed and mostly wanted to jump around and watch Peppa on my phone, but we have talking and that is cool.

I spent some time fiddling with the printer while Smug-Hub gave Smug-Baby her evening snack before bed. She went down fairly easily - I have started to ask her, when she unlatches, if she is all done with Binky's and since she isn't and doesn't want me to put them away, she latches back on. So, last night, she stayed latched on until she fell asleep. It's mostly the latching that hurts, so if she stays latched on, while still uncomfortable, is more manageable. Since she seems to be only now nursing to sleep for night and naps, I should be able to wean her gently over the next few months as we implement new bedtime routines.

She slept until 2:30 and woke crying. She climbed into bed with us and nursed about 20 seconds on each side before I said "Binky's all done" and she rolled over and went to sleep. At one point about 4:15, she crawled up on top of Smug-Hub and slept there for a few minutes before rolling off onto his other side. She stayed there for about 15 minutes before crawling back to the middle. She asked for Binky's then, but I pretended to be asleep and she went right back to sleep without issue. Overall it was a good night.

Now if this dang scanner would just work.... I have to leave for the office now anyway - stupid thing!! I guess I know what I am doing while Smug-Baby naps today!!

Hey, you guys! I HAVE A SON!!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Exciting Day

Tomorrow we have our detailed sonogram and will hopefully find out the gender of Little-Smug! I am really excited to know and work on finalizing a name for this little person.

I have been really worried that they will find something wrong or will not be able to tell the sex, but I am trying to be positive. I just feel like the way my luck is going...

I have had two short conversations with Smug-Baby about not having Binky's at night anymore and today she nursed to sleep for her nap quickly but hasn't asked to nurse at other times at all. I also napped when she did today to make up for the less than 3 hours of sleep I got last night and we both slept for 2 hours (well, I dozed and kept having to get up to pee - grrr). I feel a lot more ready to go into tonight. I plan on nursing her to sleep but trying not to let her nurse if/when she climbs into bed with us.

If she cries really hard and is upset I will just nurse her and we can all go back to sleep. Tomorrow I will just keep talking about Binky's being owe and how we can't have Binky's in the middle of the night anymore and see how it goes. I don't want to start anything hard core until the weekend when it won't matter if I don't sleep all night.

I am really committed to finding a gentle way to wean that causes at little hardship for Smug-Baby and for me. Since I am feeling fairly rested at the moment, the thought of the night ahead doesn't fill me with horror, but I have to say I am not looking forward to it either...

So, wish us luck for a good solid nights sleep tonight and all positive things from the ultrasound tomorrow!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Looking Back

I have been reading a lot of posts lately talking about looking back over the last year at what was accomplished and what was left unattained. The point I guess is to set new goals for the new year, resolutions and the like.

I stopped setting new years resolutions a long time ago because I never stuck to any of them and it was depressing. I also stopped looking back over the last year because it was also depressing to look at my life and all that I wanted to achieve and see that I hadn't done any of it.

I was having myself a little pity party the other day, thinking about the state of my life and Smug-Baby's not sleeping and my not sleeping and already being rather uncomfortable and wishing for a moment that I had another life. One full of all the things that I wanted but haven't ever gotten.

Then, I looked around and I realized that I have really accomplished all those goals that I used to set for myself. I wanted so much out of my life and I was so frustrated that I didn't have it that I stopped focusing on it and wonder of wonders I have all of it now!

I wanted to have a college degree and by golly I have an MBA.

I wanted to have a loving and successful married and what's this? I have an amazing husband who loves me deeply and supports me even when I am being a nut-ball.

I wanted to have a nice home and dependable car. I have both.

I wanted to be a mother and I have this amazing, smart, funny, silly, happy girl and I have another baby on the way!

I wanted to feel unconditionally loved and I am.

It took a lot more years than I had thought it would when I was in my teens and 20's, but I finally achieved all my new years resolutions and I want for nothing else except to keep all that I have and to continue to be smothered in love and kisses for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Parenting is Hard

I  think that I am ready to wean and yet I really don’t want to wean. My nipples are so sore with this pregnancy that nursing is just horrible and every time she latches and pulls off I want to scream. She is so active at night after Smug-Hub gets home, she is excited to see him and they play and wrestle and it’s great. He thinks that more of this heavy play will wear her out and I feel like it just revs her up more. I don’t know, but when it is time for bed and we get in our pajamas and brush our teeth and wash our faces and then we read books (or try to, she is generally too active to sit still, she wants to jump on the coffee table instead). Then we lay down and nurse, but she is still so wide awake and she wants water and to blow her nose and to call out the names of all the people she loves and I have to tell her that they are each asleep. She unlatches for each of these little things and then has to latch back on and that is so painful!

She is only nursing to fall asleep and sometimes if she gets really hurt, and she is nursing for shorter periods. Last night when she woke up at 2:30, she simply climbed into bed and snuggled up to me and went back to sleep without nursing, so I feel like we are heading in the right direction with a slow and gentle weaning process, but the pain combined with my constant exhaustion makes me really want to smack her! At one point last night, she latched on and it hurt so badly that I bit my arm to keep from screaming and I actually have a bruise!

I don’t know what to do to help her fall asleep at night without nursing. It is how she has fallen asleep her whole life and she isn’t old enough to understand that the Binky’s hurt and she can’t have them anymore. She wouldn’t understand why all of a sudden something she has counted on her whole life is suddenly gone and I am afraid that ripping it away from her will have a lasting impact on her psyche.

Smug-Hub has wanted to wean for a really long time now and while he is trying really, really hard to be supportive, I can see in his face that he wants to shout “I told you so” from the rooftops. He doesn’t really have any better ideas on how to make it happen. He thinks that we need to wear her out with really hard play in the evenings and then give her some food right before bed and then just try to get her to be so tired that she just drops without needing to nurse. Somehow I don’t think that will work and besides, I can’t be up until all hours of the night waiting for her to get tired enough to fall asleep! I need to get to bed so I can get up at 4:30 and go to work!!

What I would like is for the pain to stop so I could continue to nurse until she is ready to stop. I just don’t know of any way to get the pain to stop until the baby is born. She is obviously heading that way, but not ready to stop yet and I hate the idea of forcing it. I just don’t know if I can deal with this pain anymore – it actually hurts to have the shower water hitting them in the mornings! Its really bad!!

I don't know what the right thing to do is. If I keep nursing through the pain, will I be less patient with Smug-Baby? If I wean harshly, will she suffer long-term effects to her self-esteem? I just want to rub on a numbing cream or something, but I don't think even that would work...

Monday, January 23, 2012

It's Monday Again

It was a lovely weekend overall. As I sit here listening to the car warming up outside as my time to leave for work draws closer, I think back over the weekend and smile; I got close to 10,000 hugs and at least as many kisses. I got 2 days of morning cuddles. I kissed away 100 tears. I was the safe haven from daddy's tickling fingers. I made 7 bowls of cream of wheat, filled 42 sippy cups of water and cleaned up 3 pancakes from the living room floor.

Yes, it was a good weekend. I also finished the rest of the cleaning and organizing in our big downstairs room. That is such a huge weight off my shoulders and I just need to find a way to keep it that way... I really think that we need another truck load of stuff taken to the Goodwill, but so much of what is stored down there is stuff that I am pretty sure we will need again, like all my non-maternity clothing and all the infant/baby stuff, so I need to hang on to it a little longer. I really like cleaning things out and getting rid of the stuff we don't need, so it is hard to see shelves full of things I need to hang on to.

I also got all the laundry done and the grocery shopping done.

Saturday was laid back, easy cuddle morning and pancake breakfast. Then off to watch my nephew play basketball (which I really got into) and then home for naps and house cleaning.

We went to a birthday party for a friend on Saturday evening and Smug-Baby had a blast playing with all the bigger kids. There was one little girl that really didn't care for all the attention Smug-Baby was giving her and kept trying to get rid of Smug-Baby. She slammed the bedroom door in Smug-Baby's face, she picked Smug-Baby up and physically moved her to another location, she even tried to bribe Smug-Baby to leave her alone. I watched all this carefully; my instinct was to run over and tell this little girl that Smug-Baby was just a baby and to treat her kindly (and of course I wanted to smack this child for not seeing how wonderful my baby was and relishing the fact that my perfect child wanted to spend time with her...) but I just watched to see how Smug-Baby would react. She was undeterred by this other child's obvious unhappiness at her presence and kept going back, knocking on the door and working hard to stay by this other child's side. She didn't seem upset at the door being shut in her face; she thought it was a game. I stayed out of it. It was hard.

Sunday morning was really tough, because Smug-Baby had another bad night and I was up for most of it. Finally, at 6:45 Smug-Hub took her to the kitchen to have breakfast and I dozed a bit. Smug-Baby came and got me up at 7:15 and Smug-Hub went back to bed until 11. I hated him a little bit for that. During that time was when Smug-Baby and I cleaned up the rest of the downstairs room. She sat at my desk and tried out every ink pen, pencil, marker and highlighter on a piece of printer paper and when that got old, she went around the room exploring with a flashlight.

After Smug-Hub got up and Smug-Baby went down for a nap, we were able to have a nice talk and work on the grocery list. After she woke, we went to get some lunch and do the shopping. Then it was football time!

It was a nice weekend. The only really good thing about it being over is that we are just that much closer to the doctor appointment on Thursday! Happy Monday everyone!!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Waiting and Other Random Thoughts

As this week draws to a close, next week seems so far away and Thursday seems eons away!! Thursday afternoon is our next doctor appointment; the 20 week appointment; the halfway point; the detailed sonogram. We are hoping that we will find out the sex of our baby and be told that everything is growing as it should and everything looks good.

My original appointment was for this week, but I felt like it was too early, being only 19 weeks, I wanted to wait until I was a full 20 weeks and since I am working on my quarterly project for work, the appointment needed to be toward the end of the week since I will be finished then. I will be closer to a full 21 weeks (short by 2 days) by the time we go in for this appointment.

I am anxious mostly because with Smug-Baby I knew from the moment she was conceived that she was a girl. It took us almost 2 years to get pregnant with her, but I knew the moment it happened and I knew she was a girl. With this baby, I can't get a read on my mothers intuition. I felt very strongly that it was a girl in the beginning, but now I am feeling more like it is a boy. However, I am not sure if that feeling has been swayed by everyone around me telling me that they think it is a boy and not really my internal gut feeling. I really have no idea and the suspense is killing me :)

In other big news, Smug-Baby took her first pee pee in the potty this morning! She was with her daddy and he normally lets her sit naked on the potty while he gets the shower ready for them in the morning. Today, she sat down and peed!! He took a video of the used potty and sent to my phone while I was at work. Of course, I had to run around the office telling everyone!! It was really sweet, because Smug-Hub was so excited! He even left the pee pee in the potty so I could see it for myself. I am sorry that I missed this big event and I was actually happy he left it for me - the things parents get excited about...

The other thing that is going on is really huge and that is I found out that I am going to be laid off from my job. The part time thing is no longer working for my company and while I totally understand why they are making the change, I am very sad that I will be leaving the company/family that I have had for over 10 years now. For now, I am still working and will continue in my current position and hours until they fill the full time position that is replacing my job. I looked into applying for this full time job, but it is actually only 10 more hours a week, but they are normal office hours while I work my hours in the mornings before everyone else arrives. It is also a cut in hourly pay so if I took the position I would actually bring in less money. That money would mean that we still couldn't pay all the bills, not to mention the cost of putting two babies into full time daycare, so I will not be applying for the position. I am still hoping that something will change and they will find something I can do for a couple of hours each day, but I am also working on a plan for what to do next.

At first I was really freaking out, who would hire a pregnant woman who is just going to be going out on medical leave in a few months? I don't really feel like I can take on much of anything until Little-Smug arrives; I can't see taking on child care in my home or starting any home based work and then having to stop in a few months for maternity leave. My hope is that I will be able to continue to stay with my company until closer to when the baby is due and try to save as much as possible (I realize that this will be next to impossible since we barely make the ends meet now, but I'm going to try).

I plan on taking advantage of as many programs as I can, unemployment, food stamps, WIC, and whatever else may be out there to help people. I will get a severance package, but given that I am part time, it is very small. I hope to use that and our income tax refund to pay off some of the credit cards are still paying off from when Smug-Baby was born. I am also looking into cashing out my 401(k) to pay off the car. If it is enough, that would be a huge savings each month. If we cut the monthly expenses as much as possible that lowers the amount of money that I need to bring in each month to make the ends meet.

I am thinking that maybe the best thing for me to take on (once the baby is born and I am physically ready) would be after school care in my home. There is an elementary school a few blocks from my house and if I had a couple of kids get off the bus at my house each day, I could help them with homework and provide a snack. This would be less intensive work for me, given that I will still have two small children to look after, than taking on babies or even children Smug-Baby's age. These children would be better able to entertain themselves than infants and may even be helpful with Smug-Baby and Little-Smug. I could even work on some educational games to play all together with them. I am excited about the possibility and I would like to try and see if I can't bring in enough money each month that way. If it works well, summer care might be another good option and as my own children grow and I get more comfortable with having two instead of one maybe then I could take on smaller children too. I love kids so this might be my perfect job!

I am still looking at all the options and I would be fine stuffing envelopes at night, or bagging groceries on the weekends, but I would love to get to a point where I am mostly at home raising my children.

I am in a holding pattern right now, they have posted the job, but I don't think that they will start interviewing until next month and then it might be a few more weeks to get the new person into place and maybe a week more of training with me to take over my duties. I am hoping against hope that it will be closer to April and not February, but I will roll with the punches and I will survive whatever happens.

I have longed to stay at home with my children my whole life and I feel strongly that God only works toward good, so there is a reason that this is happening and all will work the way it should. Maybe this is God's way of getting me out of my comfort zone and on to something more important. I don't know but I am trying to stay zen and centered and not stress about it. It will all be fine!

Thursday, January 19, 2012


We got together with Smug-Grandma and Smug-Niece today and really had a lot of fun. I was really impressed with Smug-Baby and her sharing and not retaliating when Smug-Niece would hut her or push her. Now, I do have to qualify that by saying that if the get together had been before Smug-Baby's nap rather than after, the story might have been quite different. As it was, they shared pretty well and played together running around the house, both thinking that the other was chasing them. They shared a banana and a granola bar and stacked blocks (OK, Smug-Baby did most of the stacking while Smug-Niece did most of the knocking over, but they were having fun doing it so it was cool).

We took them for a walk at the mall too and got about 30 minutes of exercise in before they needed to get out of the strollers and run around. They played in the little kiddie rides (except we don't put money into them - why when they are having so much fun regardless?) They got into the hurricane simulator and played there and rode in boats and cars and on horses.

After a bit, Smug-Grandma needed to take Smug-Niece back to her daddy and I needed some food, so we bundled them up and headed for our respective homes.

I was really proud to see Smug-Baby sharing her toys and being gentle with her cousin. That isn't to say that she didn't stand up for herself some, but I was really worried that she would flip out because someone else was playing with HER things, HER toys, HER space and she didn't. She would even had Smug-Niece a toy to play with and was really good-natured about having her carefully stacked blocked kicked over and would just laugh about it.

When we have had Smug-Niece over last week, it was right before nap time and the visit actually put off her nap for a while and she had a really rough time. She was upset that my nephew was sitting in a particular chair, because that was were mommy normally sits. She was upset that Smug-Niece was playing with her toys and kept trying to hold everything she owns in her arms to keep them away.

I am glad to know that this behavior was more related to her being tired and cranky than her being a mean kid!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Small Advances

I have been taking Smug-Baby to story time weekly for a few weeks now and we have also been to three weeks of Melody Makers (which is wonderful music program for small children).

I wanted to get her involved in more activities with other children because I feel like she is bored with just me to play with all day, she LOVES other kids, and I want her to start being more socialized; learning to share and so on before Little-Smug arrives.

The first week at story time, she simply wanted to leave. The whole time we were there, she kept asking to go home. The second week, she sat in my lap and watched what was going on around her, but didn't participate. Today, she still sat in my lap most of the time, but she shook her "shaky egg" with everyone else and clapped when the songs were over and even moved off my lap to sit on the floor in front of me.

When we got to Melody Makers (normally Melody Makers is on Monday, but we had a conflict, so we did both story time and Melody Makers today), she also was more engaged and jumped around the room and did just a bit of following the teacher's instructions. I am very encouraged by how quickly she is starting to warm up to these programs! When we talk about seeing Gigi and Bach, she giggles and jumps up and down. When I sing the story time song, she claps along with me. I really feel like she is enjoying these activities and while she hasn't totally gotten the hang of doing what the teacher does and the other kids and she still wants to hold my hand most of the time, I feel like we are heading in the right direction with her!

Here is a video of her at Melody Makers yesterday:

Now, if she would just sleep...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Little Smug

Dear Little Smug,

You woke me up this morning when you started your early more exercising. Your little kicks are so sweet and bring your mama such comfort. When you kick me, I know that you are still in there, growing and getting more ready every day to come into this world and meet your new family.

I know that you probably can hear your sister crying a lot these days. Don't worry, she is totally fine, just dealing with her own adjustments. She is really special and caring and I think that you and she will get along wonderfully. She loves to help and she gets upset when others are upset. I think that she will take good care of you and protect you from any danger you may face. Of course, she will still probably sit on you if she gets a chance, but just know that I will be there to save you!

Can you hear your daddy's voice too? He is getting so excited and falls asleep with his hand on my belly trying really hard to feel your little kicks. I think that it will be a while yet, but he is ever hopeful. He is a really good daddy and I know that you will love hanging out with him and playing. He is fun and silly and loves getting down on the floor and playing. He is constantly talking about how special you and your sister are and how much he is looking forward to watching you both grow up and be amazing!

I am sorry that I haven't been talking directly to you much yet. Your sister is kind of a handful at times and since you are doing pretty well for yourself right now, I haven't spent much time hanging out just with you. I am working on changing that, because you and I need some mommy and baby time!

Did you like the yoga class on Friday? Your mama felt really good and happy after that class so I hope that you like the movements and the chanting. We are taking more walks too and I hope that you are enjoying that movement too. What about the massage on Saturday? You got a little rub through mama's belly and mama got really nice and relaxed too! We are going to keep doing yoga and walking together because you and I need to be in sync! You know that it won't be long until you will be ready to come into this side of the world and we will have to work together to make that happen. I will do my best to get ready and you work on getting ready on your end!

I love you so much already and I am looking so forward to holding and nursing you. I know that you may be a little freaked out thinking about all the changes you will face on this side of the world, but I will help you and guide you and be with you every step of the way.


Your Mama

Monday, January 16, 2012


Last night/this morning was another horrible night of sleep (or not sleeping) for Smug-Baby. She woke first at 11:35 to Smug-Hub's wonderful snoring. I climbed down into her bed and nursed her back to sleep. It took about 45 minutes because of all the snoring and his failure to believe me when I threatened his life before I moved to the baby bed. After she was finally asleep, I stabbed my husband 47 times in the chest with my imaginary hunting knife and he put on his mask and we all settled down.

At 1 am, she woke again and this time wanted to come into our bed, which was fine, but she was totally awake, asking for water and talking up a storm and flipping around and flopping over and generally not interested in going back to sleep. We got up for water, we moved back to her bed for more of the same and back to our bed again. Finally at 5am, she fell back asleep but I was unable to get back to sleep. I guess my body is used to waking for work and didn't feel the need to go back to sleep.

I finally gave in and got up at 6. I started a load of diapers in the wash and cleaned both the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms. Then I swept and mopped the bathroom floors, the kitchen floor and the entry-way floor. Then I dusted everything (except the bedroom where Smug-Baby and Smug-Hub were sleeping peacefully - jerk faces!!). Then I went around and got all the misc. stuff picked up and the floors ready for the vacuum. I put away the clean dishes and washed a few left over ones.

At 8, I heard Smug-Baby wake so I got her up and Smug-Hub too (since if I couldn't sleep in late, then by God neither would he!!) and we made Smug-Baby some cream of wheat and while she ate and he was making our breakfast, I vacuumed the house. I finished just as he set the plates of food on the table.

It was SO good!! I was tired and worn out and cold and breakfast was warm and gooey and totally hit the spot!! Smug-Baby ate every bite of her cream of wheat and then wanted more, so Smug-Hub fried some potatoes and scrambled her an egg and she ate every bite of that too!! Then, she wanted MORE!! She had a bowl of Cheerios and only then did she asked to get down from the table! I guess she was making up for not having eaten much over the last few days!! I guess maybe she is feeling better?

I cleaned up the kitchen (only fair since he cooked) while they played catch with the bouncy ball. Then we decided that we hadn't been to church in ages and we really wanted to go. So into the shower we all hopped and got all dressed and ready. Smug-Baby asked for more "bites" before we left the house and had some Silk Protein and Juice and some raisins before being bundled into her coat, hat and mittens for the drive to church.

The service was nice, or would have been, but Smug-Baby wasn't really excited about having to be quiet so Smug-Hub and I took turns walking around with her outside of the sanctuary so I missed most of it. By the time we were getting down to the last 10 minutes, she was really done and I took her outside until Smug-Hub finished up with Communion and we took off.

She was asleep within seconds of getting home and getting laid down. She slept for almost 3 hours at which time I woke her up! I don't want to have another night of not sleeping! During her nap, I worked on laundry and Smug-Hub and I made some lunch. I ended up dozing on the couch for a bit while watching the football game, but it wasn't really a nap.

After she got woken up and had a peanut butter sandwich and yogurt for lunch Smug-Hub took her to hang out with Smug-Grandma while I spent a few hours working on our downstairs room. This room is really the catch all place for the stuff we don't use a lot and stuff we don't want Smug-Baby getting into. The reason for today's cleaning was that I really needed to gather all the medical bills and charitable contributions together so that when we get our W-2's I can file our taxes right away. While I was down there I filed all the various pieces of paperwork that I had tossed on the desk, threw away a bunch of trash, organized the entire desk and filing area and picked up all the misc. stuff laying around.

The room is still a mess, we had to move a shelf for the heat pump repair guy and since the part is on order, we can't put everything back together yet, but the desk looks great and I am all ready to file the taxes.

While they were gone, I also clipped the coupons from the paper and finished the last of the laundry and put everything away. I am currently blogging as they are on their way home now and I need to think about dinner - maybe simple pasta and sauce, I am getting a bit tired!

Overall, I feel really good about the day. Yes, I am really tired from not getting good sleep last night, but I got a lot done around the house and I feel like I am starting the week off on a good note!

Here is hoping that Smug-Baby is tired and ready to sleep all night long!!!

UPDATE: No such luck! She wasn't tired at all and didn't fall asleep until almost 11!!!! Then she only fell asleep in our bed and spent the night rolling over to nurse about 4 times, waking me all night. I hate this!! I needed the sleep so badly to make up for the night before! I think that her long nap must have just been too long! I hate Monday!!!

Friday, January 13, 2012


There are no sounds except the wind outside and the ticking of the clock. No TV, no baby noises coming from the other side of the room. It is early morning and it is my favorite time of day. I love sleeping, but really love having a little bit of time all to myself before life gets started for the day.
Most weeks this only happens on the weekends and even then it doesn't happen often. I can read or watch a show that I don't want Smug-Baby exposed to. I can eat something without having to share every other bite with someone. There isn't anyone else to talk to me or demand my attention.

I don't need much alone time; "Me Time" as I have noticed that on a weekend morning, if I am on my own for more than about an hour, I have to go back to bed just to be close to their warm bodies and hear sweet breathing. However, I do really like having just a small amount of time that belongs 100% to me.

This morning is a very rare thing indeed. Smug-Baby went to bed in her big girl bed at about 9:15 last night and she is still there at 4:45 this morning. No nursing, no crawling into my bed, no crying. Because this is a very strange occurrence, I woke up at 3:45 and couldn't really get back to sleep. At 4, I got up and showered (downstairs to have a better chance of her staying asleep) and got ready for work. I have about 30 minutes before I need to leave the house, so I have a few moments all to myself to blog now instead of waiting until she naps.

This is huge for her to have slept all night in her own bed. I hope that this is a sign that she is getting more comfortable in her own bed and maybe we will have more of these nights going forward. She has only done this once before and even then, she came into my bed, nursed a few seconds and crawled back into her bed. I hope that she will have more and more nights of sleeping through the night in her own space.

 I slept from 9:20 (well, I was tired and she was asleep!!) until about 1:30 when Smug-Hub came to bed, I had to pee anyway, but went right back to sleep, so I got a pretty good nights sleep too!

I am praying that this continues!!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I Forgot...

So, I'm pregnant. I haven't blogged about my symptoms or emotions much regarding this pregnancy and I find it odd, because I blogged daily when I was pregnant with Smug-Baby about every little thing! It's not that I am not excited about this baby, it's just that I am so preoccupied with the rest of life that I some times forget that I am pregnant.

Not really forget, but don't think about it. It's hard to explain and I feel some guilt about it, like I am not as happy or as excited or looking forward to this baby as much as I was with Smug-Baby. I wish that I had the time and money to put into decorating a room for the new baby and picking out cute little outfits and maybe once we know if Little-Smug is a boy or a girl I will feel more like I want to do some of that stuff, but for right now I am so focused on getting through the day that thinking about this new, amazing miracle of life growing within me is just hard.

I want to strive to make sure that I don't make this baby feel like he or she is any less important and less wanted than Smug-Baby was, but there is less money to make that happen and there is less time to focus on just this new baby. Smug-Baby is here, right now and she demands a lot of time and attention. Let's face it, once Little-Smug arrives, Smug-Baby is going to have to move over a little bit and share her parents, so I don't begrudge her as much one-on-one as possible before her life totally changes.

OK, how have I been feeling...

I feel pretty good! Now that I am not feeling sick all the dang time! I still have headaches a lot of the time and if I haven't gotten a good night's sleep, then I will spend the day feeling sick, but overall, the sickness is gone and the belly is getting huge! My rings still fit and my legs haven't started swelling, so that's good! I am starting to notice that I am having to exert more effort to get up from the floor and even the couch, but it's not too bad yet.

I am eating pretty well. I would still like to cut more dairy from my daily eating but overall it's not bad. I have been getting some fruit every day along with eating more salads and making a smoothie each day that contains, yogurt, grape juice, a scoop of Delicious Greens and some frozen fruit. It is really good and gives me a boost of greens too.

I haven't been able to get fully back into my daily schedules, but I am getting closer each week to being on track. Smug-Baby is fighting a cold (runny nose and nasty cough) along with some teething (will she hurry up and finish already!!) so she has been very demanding of my attention. However, I have managed to keep the house picked up, made meals each day, and gotten most of the daily tasks done (Tuesday was trash, today was diapers, granted they are still in the dryer, but still...)

Tomorrow I am supposed to clean the bathrooms and they really need it. I am hoping for another decent nights sleep for me, so I will feel up to tackling that while Smug-Baby naps.

Now, I just need to win the lotto...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I tired to sleep today while Smug-Baby is napping, but every time I have gotten close to drifting off, something jerks me back to being awake, so I am blogging instead!

We went to story time at the library today and Smug-Baby started to get into it by the end. I really hope that she continues to warm up to the other kids and the group leaders of these things. I think that she really likes doing stuff and I often feel like she is really bored with no one to play with here at home. She likes for me to just sit next to her while she plays with her kitchen and she likes to bring me stuff and sit on my lap while she plays with something, but I still feel like she is missing out on playing with others.

After story time, we came home and had some lunch. For the first day in a while, she really ate well! I hope that this means that either a molar has broken through (she won't let me feel around in there) or the teething has calmed down a bit. She had curried rice and veggies and she liked the broccoli a lot :) After that she asked to watch Peppa. Now that we have stopped our Direct TV service and unhooked their DVR, we no longer have access to Peppa on TV or all the episodes that I had recorded. I have ordered a DVD (from Japan of course) for $40 that has the entire series of Peppa episodes so I hope that it arrives soon. Anyway, I let her watch some episodes on my phone while I cleaned up the kitchen.

Then she proceeded to destroy every room in the house. She wasn't upset or anything, just maybe tired and bored, so she pulled toys out and played with something in every room of the upstairs, including the bathroom. She would quickly tire of whatever she was playing with and move on to a new toy in a new room. While I made the bed, she played with the xylophone and a bucket that had some blocks in it. While I hung up the towels and wiped down the sink in the bathroom, she put doll house parts into her, as yet un-used, potty. While I put away the folded diapers in her room, she tipped over her castle and pulled all the books out of the book shelf. In the dining room, while I chipped coupons, she pulled every drawer and food item out of her kitchen and tossed it on the floor. The kitchen floor is currently covered with a combination of smashed rice chex, raisins and building blocks. The living room has a laundry basket that I need to take downstairs and it holds a blanket, a baby doll and a dinosaur. The rest of the floor is covered with two strollers, a keyboard, several books, a hair brush and a partridge in a pear tree!!

I should be picking it all up while she is sleeping and getting the house back in order, but since I know that once she wakes up, there will be a lot more hours of destruction in her plans, I may just leave it for a while.

I did collect up all the trash and paper recycling and took it all out to the end of the drive, so I am feeling productive!!

Tonight, I am going to pray that Smug-Baby has a good long, full nights sleep and that I am able to wake tomorrow feeling rested and that this nagging sore throat and stuffy nose that started this morning will be all gone!! If she doesn't sleep, Smug-Hub is going to have to take her for a drive or something so I can sleep some. Not sleeping isn't good for Little-Smug you know!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


I am writing this at 4am, my daughter has been asleep for about 10 minutes and I have to start getting ready for work in about 20 minutes and I figure that if I go back to bed, I will fall back asleep and then feel horrible in 20 minutes when the alarm goes off, so I thought it would be better if I just stayed up.

Smug-Baby has been sleeping pretty well in her new big girl bed beside mommy and daddy's bed in our bedroom. Most nights she sleeps from about 9pm until about 3am, before climbing into bed with me for some Binky's and she goes right back to sleep. The problem with this scenario is that she isn't back into a deep sleep at 4:30am when the alarm goes off and I have to get up. So she ends up getting up with me and taking a shower with me and crying bitterly when I have to leave for work. This is also a bummer for Smug-Hub who also must be awake and moving at 5am! Since he often chooses to stay up watching TV or online until 2am, I don't really have a lot of sympathy for him, but it does suck for him. It sucks for me to have to leave her when she is begging me to stay.

The other thing that happens often, and I can't decide which is worse, is that she wakes more like midnight and then doesn't go back to sleep for hours and hours. This is what happened tonight/last night/this morning. She woke at 11:30, nursed for a while and then seemed to be back asleep. When I tried to un-latch her and get comfortable and try to get back to sleep myself, she woke up. She nursed more and just flopped around, but didn't seem to get back into a restful sleep, so that means no sleep for mommy! At 1am, Smug-Hub came into bed and she woke up fully and wanted water and to talk and play. I thought that I might have to kill my husband at this point, but really there isn't anything that says she would have gone back into a deep sleep had he already been in bed.

She wanted to nurse more, but I am so sore from pregnancy that extended nursing is just about impossible, so I kept distracting her and telling her that the Binky's were sleeping. We tried singing and more water and back rubbing and rocking and she was pretty mellow throughout, but she wasn't interested in sleeping. Finally I laid back down with her in her bed about 3:30 and she nursed some and then I turned her over a little and she fell asleep. That brings us to now. I am cold and my nose in stuffed up and my throat hurts and my head is pounding, I haven't slept since 11:27 last night, so less than two hours of sleep total, and I have to get into the shower and go to work.

This situation is worse for me by far than when I have to leave her crying to go to work. I feel nauseous all day and over tired and am more short with Smug-Baby than I want to be. She gets to sleep as long in the mornings as she wants and Smug-Hub sleeps through the night. We have tried having him work to get her back to sleep, but she is going through a faze where she only wants mommy and she will just scream and bang on the bedroom door if he takes her so I can try to sleep, and I certainly can't sleep while she is screaming for me! So, these all night wakings are mine to deal with.

I don't know what to do about it. How do I help her sleep more deeply or for longer or not to notice when I leave the bed? My hope is that given time she will adjust to her own bed, she will sleep for longer and longer stretches until she isn't waking to nurse at all during the night. I did notice that her stomach was growling at one point last night, so maybe she is waking due to hunger and I need to make sure she eats something filling before bed or something. I am lost and tired and my body aches all over...

Time for a hot shower and to pretend that leaving my sleeping family is super fun!!

Monday, January 9, 2012

I am SO Done With You!!

We are going to be done with Direct TV today!! After almost two full years of fighting with them every month, we have decided to go back to cable and even got a much smaller service package so the monthly price is going to be about $15-$25 a month cheaper than Direct TV. I say $15-$25 since they can't seem to bill me correctly each and every month!!

We are going to be short a few of the channels that we regularly watch (TNT, FX, A&E, Headline News, etc) and we will be without access to Peppa Pig, which is really going to be the hardest part, since Peppa is Smug-Baby's favorite thing on the planet and I can't even get Peppa on DVD in this country. I am going to have to order one from Japan and hope it works on our DVD player I guess. I can always pull it up on YouTube, so I am hoping we will survive!!

They are going to come out this afternoon and install everything for us and I am looking forward to making that phone call to tell Direct TV to shove it up their... dish!

I am really sick and tired of companies that think that we will continue to give them our hard earned, hard to come by money and be treated like crap! Direct TV, think about it - you provide a luxury service really. TV is not like water or electricity, its entertainment and EVERYONE has their shows posted online now and put on DVD at the end of the season. So, with Internet access and Netflix, I can watch everything I want to watch without spending a dine on TV service!! With that in mind, wouldn't you be working hard to keep the customers you have not send them screaming in the other direction?!?!?

I  know that they will probably offer me some wonderful deal to stay with them, but I am over it and totally done with them!! They would have to offer me their highest level of service for free for life for me to stay with them and then I would have to think about it!!!

The thing is, the TV service is pretty good, we haven't had the dish go out much at all and the programming and picture quality is pretty good. It is ONLY their customer service that is sending us packing! If they could manage to follow through on what they say they are going to do, or if the money drafted from my account each month was consistently what they say it will be, or if their customer service people were the least bit understanding or helpful. But no!

We are done!! Hooray!!!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Letting Go

We all know the saying "Let go and let God" meaning to trust that you will be led in the right direction and even if something seems hard or wrong or terrible, there is a higher purpose that you may not now or ever understand, but there is a reason and you need to roll with it.

The problem is that there is also the saying we all know "God helps those who help themselves" and that seems to mean that you have to be an active participant in your life and work hard and then God will help bring good things into your life.

How does one balance those two? If something seemingly bad happens to you, do you simply let the chips fall where they may, let the right path be shown to you in a dream or vision or have someone walk up to you and hand you the answer? Do you push ahead, trying to find the right path on your own, push for answers, push for a resolution?

I personally feel like there needs to be a balance between the two, you have to be open for God to send you the answers, but you can't stay in bed all day waiting for your problems to be solved for you. You have to keep your eyes and head and heart open to the answers and when you find the right one it will all fall into place for you, but you have to be the one doing the looking.

I struggle with that all the time. I really thought that I would have the peaceful home birth that I always wanted but I have been led down another path. I spent a lot of time feeling really upset about that. Like I had been forced into giving birth in a way I wasn't happy about and I am still having issues with it. But I am really trying to adjust my thinking to feel more like I am being led in the right direction and God will take care of me.

I thought that I had things figured out in most areas of my life and things are suddenly changing around a lot and I am feeling very unbalanced and like I am going to fall off the edge at any moment. But I am, again, trying to let go of the fear and panic and know that God only sends good things into my life and there is a reason for all that is happening now and perhaps someday those reasons will be revealed to me.

It is all easier said than done though...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Finding Your Power

Women are the most powerful creatures in the universe. I know that I am not the only one who believes this to be true, mostly because... well... it is true!

Women are taught to believe that they are the weaker sex and that they NEED a man in their lives to feel complete and to take care of them. As a result, women have been dominated, abused and taken advantage of for just about forever. But what we fail to realize is that men need us a whole lot more than we need them! It's time women start to internalize that truth and stop being stomped on by the men in their lives!

I believe that men, as a general rule, feel very insecure by the fundamental fact that women give birth. The only other entity that creates life is God, so men feel like women are closer to being God-like than they are and they really have a hard time with that. In order to make themselves feel better, they use their physical advantage to push their women into the dirt. They feel like if they can make a women feel less than she is, then they can feel like more than they are.

The things is though, once a woman finds her power; once she realizes that the man in her life is really lint on her shoe, her whole world changes. Let me explain with an extreme example of a day in the life of man and of woman.

The woman wakes, runs on the treadmill for an hour, gets ready for work, wakes the kids, makes breakfast, packs lunches, checks homework and makes sure backpacks are ready, gets the kids on the school bus, leaves for work and drops off the dry cleaning on the way, during her lunch break she gets the car washed and goes to the bank, on the way home from work she picks up groceries, she runs johnny to band practice and Suzie to soccer practice, after getting home she makes dinner while helping the kids with homework, after dinner she cleans the kitchen, runs a load of laundry, sews a missing button on her husband's shirt, bakes cookies for the school bake sale, gets the kids ready for and into bed, works on the special project for her job, does more laundry and falls into bed for 3-5 hours until time to do it all over again.

The man wakes up, gets ready for work, works, comes home, changes into comfy clothes, watches football and goes to bed.

In the "olden" days there were very defined gender roles, the father was the financial provider and the mother ran the household. There wasn't much room for any other arrangement. Then women's lib happened, women wanted to work outside the home if they chose. So, we started working full time jobs, just like our husbands. However, the running of the household stayed the woman's responsibility! Women now are working the same jobs men do, but still coming home and trying to raise the children and run the household - which is a full time job in and of itself. We are doing the workload of two and doing it fairly well.

Now, I will actually argue that point - we are not doing it fairly well, we are getting by, but there are more childhood behavior issues, obesity issues and more divorce and I really do blame women's lib for that. There is no one at home, raising the children and preparing healthy meals and watching their husbands complain about having to take out the trash and not getting enough sex is enough to make any woman want a divorce!! However, we are still functioning and making it through life without killing anyone (most of the time) or killing ourselves (again, most of the time). We have adjusted to another form of inequality and are eating up with knife and fork!

Let's look at the woman in an abusive relationship. He doesn't beat on her, but tells her she is fat, ugly, stupid, no one would love her, how she is lucky that he puts up with her, etc. This is a really hard place to pull yourself out of, because when someone whom you feel loves you, tells you this stuff, you tend to believe it. Think about it, you are at a party and someone says "What a great dress, you look wonderful" you say "oh this old thing?" and get red in the face. Again, same party, someone whispers to you that your deodorant seems to have failed, you run straight to the bathroom to wash and try to get rid of the horrible smell that you didn't even realize you were putting out there. You see? The negative stuff is easier for us to believe.

Back to our abused women - she finds out that she is pregnant. Suddenly, everything is different. She no longer matters. What she wants no longer matters. Who she loves no longer matters. Now, the only thing this woman thinks about, cares about is her unborn child. She explodes into a ferocious mama bear and understands now how a woman could move a car off of her child!! She is powerful, full of new life, full of this God-like power and nothing will get in the way of her protecting this new life she has created.

She suddenly realizes that the abusive man in her life will continue to abuse her, but now she also knows that he will abuse her child!! He will talk to her child the way he talks to her!! He will lie and cheat and break this child's heart over and over and over, the same way he does to her. Suddenly, this is totally unacceptable! While it was OK for him to treat her this way, it will never be OK to watch her child be treated the same way. Why, she thinks to herself? Why am I worthy of less than my child? I am someone's child too!!

Then she starts to think about how she doesn't need this abusive man in her life. She has a job and can support her child on her own. She has supportive friends and family to help her when she needs it. She doesn't actually need this man at all. Once she realizes that she doesn't need him to help with her child and really doesn't want him near her presious baby, she realizes that she doesn't need him at all in her life!

Once this woman discovers the power within her, she is filled with the knowledge that she is all powerful and she can make anything happen in her life that she wants. Once that happens, she is open to finding a man who recognizes her power and only wants to bask in her glory and if she decides she wants to share her love and her life and her power with someone she can, and if not - well, she has all the power she needs!!

There are men in this world who are like that - only want to bask in the glory of these powerful women, who feel closer to being God-like themselves when this amazing, powerful creature desides to give him her heart. They are out there, but they are still rare.

So, OK - this one's for you, you know who you are! - find your power, its there within you and all you have to do is realize that it is there and you will find that this man you think you love is nothing but lint on your shoe and your child demands better! You are woman, you bring new life into this world! There is nothing he can do that can top that and he will never be good enough for you! He will never embrace your power and love you for it. He will always fear it and try to beat it down, because he is a sad, scared little man with no power at all. You are loved and you are worthy. You are strong and you are powerful.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy 2012!

We rang in the new year with some dear friends from out of town. They have a boy who is a day or two younger than Smug-Baby and they bonded instantly! They had to learn some hard lessons about sharing and Smug-Baby really suffered because they were HER toys they had to share, but I think that overall they played really well together and she has already been asking for him over and over and seems bored without someone to fight play with!

I am working on my new schedules and plans and menus and such and I am really looking forward all the promise that the new year holds. I want to work on my eating habits and get back into a short workout daily. I want to get Smug-Baby into as many things with other kids as possible and I want to get my house back into the clean and organized space it was before I got pregnant. I know that once the new baby arrives in June that I will not be able to work on anything for a while, so I want to get things really clean and organized before he/she makes an entrance!

I have been feeling really emotional since Christmas, with still feeling bad some of the time and family issues and my house being in disarray, but I am really trying to come out of it and focus on all that I have to look forward to in life and how set-backs are often steps forward but it is taking some time to get there.

I feel like getting back onto my routine and schedule always helps to pull me out of any funk I happen to be in. I am really glad that I am not feeling as sick anymore. I actually only have had two bouts of feeling nauseous in the last two days - that's one each day and they only lasted until I ate something, which just tells me that I need to eat more regularly. The headaches have even gotten better - they are not totally gone, there is always some pain there, but it is much more manageable and I don't think about them as much either, so I know they are not as painful.

Here is hoping that you and your family are feeling the future and looking forward. Don't spend time thinking about what happened in 2011, it is over and done and you can't change it, so move forward and make 2012 your best year yet!!