Thursday, January 29, 2009

Grasping at Straws

I have been hoping that I am pregnant, today is day 29, and this morning I woke up to some slight spotting. I figured that this was the start of my period and that was that.

The issue is that I have not had any cramping and no more spotting - so maybe I haven't started, maybe it is that "implementation bleeding."

The problem is that I feel like maybe I am just grasping at straws for any hope that I might actually be pregnant.

I keep running to the bathroom to check and every time I see nothing, my hopes rise. Then I will have a small twinge of a cramp and my hopes dash.

The only thing to do is wait, I will fully start or I won't and there isn't anything I can do about it one way or the other.... that really doesn't help...

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Lazy Weekend

I was supposed to get a thousand things done this weekend and while I did accomplish several things, Smug-Hub and I have just been lazy, sleeping in, taking naps, visiting with friends, watching the Comedy Central Stand-Up Showdown, etc... I have just felt like I could fall asleep all weekend long.

We did get the grocery shopping done and the laundry is clean. Smug-Hub was able to get an earring I dropped down the bathroom sink out, and I put together all the paperwork that we need to get the taxes filed, but other than that...

The bathroom really needs to be cleaned and I need to cook something that I can take for lunch tomorrow, but everything else can wait. I am thinking that my body and mind must have really needed some time to veg or something, because I never nap on the weekends, I almost always get everything done that I set out to do, but not this weekend!

We had a really nice time having lunch with one couple and dinner with another. We had good conversations and laughed hard and ate good food. I love having time to hang out with god people and it seems like between work and school that is rare.

I figure that I will knock out some of the stuff I should have done this weekend after work this week and then maybe by next weekend I will be back to my OCD, productive self... if not, who cares!!

BTW: Once again we are in the two week wait. Wish us luck!

Monday, January 19, 2009


I the midst of all the emotional turmoil involved with losing my job, there is a large bright spot!

My husband and I have become very good friends with the photographers who captured our wedding. We really love spending time with them and they have an 8 year old son who is one of the coolest kids ever!

Smug-Hub and I actually use some of his lines in our daily life, for example, we were talking with him one day and I said something, Smug-Hub told him that I had lied about whatever it was that I had told him. I told them both that I had not lied, just exaggerated. Smug-Hub told me not to use words that the child could not understand. Well, the poor kid took offence, saying "I know that word, I am in third grade, do I look like I'm in first??" We laughed and laughed! So now whenever someone says something insensitive, we ask if we look like we are in first grade!

Anyway, we spent most of the weekend with them and last night, they asked us if, when they are all confirmed into the Catholic church next year, would Smug-Hub and I be Nate's god parents!

We were so honored and touched. I can't even put into words how much that means to me and I know Smug-Hub is over the moon. Although, he might just want to be able to call himself "The Don"

This morning I start training for my new position. I am trying really hard to be grateful that we both have money coming in. I am trying to trust in God's plan for us. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to look forward to the new opportunities that this position will afford me, trying to be excited about learning something new. I just think that it is going to take some time to fully be OK with the fact that everything that I have spent the last several years of my life doing was not worth keeping. OK, that was really a self pity statement and while I have twinges of that feeling, I am trying really hard to stop feeling sorry for myself - there are close to 60 people that I know personally, that don't have a job at all. I really need to get beyond my own self pity and be grateful... I think that I will get there, I just need time!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Laid Off

Yesterday my position was eliminated. I was however, offered another position within the company, but the pay would be greatly reduced. My husband and I work for the same company and the exact same thing happened to him. We went home and talked over the options before deciding that having a job was better than not having a job.

We were both quite depressed yesterday so when my dad and his wife offered to take us out to dinner we accepted. I had the veggie fajitas, which would have been very easy to eat and stay vegan, but I was depressed and so I piled them with cheese and sour cream. I felt that sick, overeaten feeling afterward, so it was not like the comfort food was all that comforting - it did serve to reinforce my commitment to eat dairy free. I know how much worse I feel after eating badly, and I really don't want to do it anymore.

Today, after talking with several people in higher up positions we are both starting to feel more excited about the new positions. It was presented so cut and dry yesterday, that it was hard to feel good about it, but today the people we spoke with were so positive and happy that we were going to be in their area and really made us feel good and wanted and needed. I have eaten really well today, with no slips so far! It helps that I was upset earlier and thus food was not on my mind, but even now, I had some good lentil soup for lunch and lots of water all day. It is turning out to be a decent day.

Now, if the headache and sore throat would just go away.... I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I have few friends. I have had a lot of friends in the past, but they have, one by one, drifted away or moved on. I have had a lot of friends in the past who, I feel, took advantage of my friendship. borrowing everything from books and movies to money without returning them. I have dealt with people with abusive husbands, people with drug problems, and people that were just self involved and the friendship became totally one-sided.

All of this past experience has led me to be a bit gun shy when it comes to making meaningful friendships.

I bring this up, because I have recently gotten to know a women and I would very much like to be her friend. I can talk to her for long hours, I love her husband, we get together as couples quite a lot and always hang out well into the wee hours talking and laughing. I love them as people and we have a lot in common and seem to have similar values and ideals.

What's the problem you say? I find that I don't make the first move to get together with her on my own. She has called me just to talk, but I have not reciprocated. I mentioned to her that I was going to a thing this weekend and she asked if we could go together. Why didn't I ask her if she wanted to go with me first?

I am nervous about putting myself out there, opening up to a new friendship, and yet I am also nervous about giving this person the wrong impression that I don't want a friendship, when I really, really do.

I have told myself for years that I am too busy for friends and that is partly true, but the real reason is that I have been burned by friendships and am scared to start one that may end badly. I like this couple so much, that it would just break my heart if the friendship were to break down.

I really only have one person that I call a friend here locally, and one other person out of state, but other than my husband, mom and sister, my group of friends is non-existent. Why am I shy to invite this woman out for brunch or to a movie? Perhaps it is the same reason that I held my husband as such arms length when we first started dating. I don't tend to have the best taste in men, or be the best judge of character. I have been deeply hurt when a friend has ditched me for a boyfriend, or just stopped returning my phone calls, or I was ditched when I stopped loaning money, or when once helping someone pack for a move, noticed several of my books in her "to trash" pile.

I want friends, and I want to continue to develop the friendship with this person and her husband and I am going to try really hard to put past hurts behind me and hopefully form a lasting friendship - then I will be able to say that I have friends, not just a friend!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Things I Am Not Proud Of...

1) I did not go to the gym even once this week.
We committed to going to the gym on Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's. This week on Monday, Smug-Hub and I were pissed at each other and skipped the gym to come home and talk about the fight and work it out - important right? Good reason right? Tuesday I had class, Wednesday we had to go pick up the shelving units for the garage from Sears and that took forever. When we finally got them loaded we were hungry for dinner and we wanted to get home and start getting them set up. Thursday I had a study group meeting. Friday I had a Pampered Chef party to go to. That is the whole week and I have not worked out once.

2) I ate until I was in pain and felt sick and then I are some more.
So, in addition to not making it to the gym, I ate like the pig that I am yesterday. We had to go downtown to the court house and have Smug-Hub's name changed on our marriage licence (the licence says "Smug-Hub" and his birth certificate says "Smug-Hubtopher" - they have to match for identity verification, which is another story). So, while we were downtown, we decided to get a bite at Burger in the Square, mine was a sandwich filled with 3 cheeses and grilled mushrooms, peppers and onions - very cheesy, very greasy! Then we noticed that the pizza place is going out of business and decided that we needed to eat some pizza before it was to late, so we each had a huge slice of pizza. By the time we headed back to the car we were both feeling full and slightly sick. On the way back to the office we pulled into Dairy Queen and got blizzards - because we weren't feeling enough like we wanted to hurl! To add to that, Elaine hosted a Pampered Chef party, so even though I was still full from lunch, I ate everything there too.

3) I am spending too much money.
I have been talking a big game about Suze's plan for becoming financially independent, but I am a failure in my attempts to walk the talk. I am an instant gratification person, if I see something that I want I get it and deal with the consequences later. Two examples: first, I spent $200 at the Pampered Chef party last night! Smug-Hub has been really wanted to get a roasting pan, and I want the one that we get to be really high quality, so I ended up getting, in addition to a few other things, the one from PC that cost $145!! Second, I wanted to get the stuff from the pregnancy/conception site and they offer free shipping, but that shipping method takes up to 2 weeks to receive, I paid for the overnight shipping, which was more than the product cost, so that I could have it in time for this months ovulation.

4) I get angry with my husband for stupid reasons
He has been in Virginia for the better part of 7 years, and has still yet to get a VA drivers licence. For the longest time, he wasn't planning on being in VA long, but since last year, I have been really pushing. He found out that his New Mexico licence had expired, so he had some huge thing to deal with (not to mention quite a few dollars) to get that worked out with NM. It seems that he had a ticket for a missing tail light in NM, during a time when he was living here. Anyway, after we got all that worked out he sort of dropped it. Then while he was driving we were stopped at a police check point and he was ticketed for not having a valid licence (since the NM licence was expired and he has been in VA forever). So I have been pushing again for him to go to the DMV and get a VA licence before we have to go to court. He keeps putting it off, because it means taking time off work. He finally went out there on Wednesday and they wouldn't validate his identity since the marriage licence doesn't match his birth certificate. So it was wanted miles on the car, wasted gas and wasted time off. That is why we had to change the marriage licence yesterday. I also got pissed at him on Monday because he got irritated that I was teasing him about not having a licence, he got mad that I was mad and a fight was initiated - fun stuff.

Today is Saturday and I have about 4,000 things to do, but I AM going to the gym today!!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst

I found Suze Orman last year and her book Women and Money really changed my life. I think that I have talked about this before, but I have spent a good amount of time the last week or so working on the items that we still have outstanding, namely, the will, revocable trust, power of attorney's and life insurance.

I am proud to say that we are almost finished! I am still working on the trust and still need to make some phone calls regarding the life insurance, but we are almost fully protected (of course, they will all have to be changed once we have children, but at least we are taking steps to protect ourselves in the here and now).

We have also paid off everything that I charged while in China, and only have about $400 left in credit card debt to pay off. We have cut our expenses down to the bare bones and are trying to build up the savings account.

We are doing all this in preparation for the impending layoffs that have already started at work. I feel like I will be on the chopping block as my position is a fixed cost, nothing I do saves the company money or brings in money. These are the types of positions that will be the first to go. I am not as worried about Smug-Hub's position, but no one is really safe!

I hope that I will be able to keep working there at least part time or even have all the various departments with which I work will agree to take on a portion of my salary into their budgets. I am hoping for the best, but planning for the worst.

I think that the best layoff option would be for me to go part time, but only after I get pregnant - since this is what I want to do anyway :)

The plan is to save like crazy, and get to the point where we can survive on his salary alone. We are trying to be really smart and I really hope that we are able to come out of this economic crisis smarter, but unscathed!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year to everyone!!

I have been so ready for this year to be over! I actually burst into tears last night when the ball dropped and Dick Clark wished everyone a happy new year. Smug-Hub kissed me and could not understand why I was crying. I couldn't and still can't really put it into words, but I just know that I have lost so much in 2008 and I am totally ready for a fresh start!

I also finally started my period, at 64 days! I am really glad that it started because that means that I will ovulate in two weeks and Smug-Hub and I have already decided that we are going to start actively trying to get pregnant. So, not only is this the first day of the new year, it is the first day of my cycle and a fresh chance for everything!

We have spent the day in bed and on the couch totally vegging and relaxing, but tomorrow we have about 40 things to get done! There are items that need to be purchased and Christmas stuff to pack up and the house to get clean. I want to get it al done, so that I can spend the day Saturday as a day of pampering for myself. Smug-Hub got me a massage gift certificate for Christmas and I am going to use that and then treat myself to lunch and maybe a little shopping since I also have a gift certificate to Ny & Co. so that will be fun!