Friday, December 31, 2010

Good-Bye 2010

2010 has been full of wonderful memories and full of loss. I gave birth to my first child in 2010. I said good-bye to my Grandmother and cousin in 2010. I think back on the past year with mixed emotions, so much good, so much wonder, so much love, but I have cried a lot in 2010 and worried and lost people I love.

As I think forward to 2011, I am full of hope. There is something amazing about New Years Eve, there is this feeling of promise, like anything is possible. Most years turn out about the same, good and bad, yet we tend to look at each new year as a new beginning; something exciting!

I don't normally write down a list of resolutions, but I wanted to record a few thoughts about the up coming year.

I want to get healthy in 2011. I went about 3 years without getting sick before I got pregnant, then it seems like I have been nothing but sick since. I want to boost my immune system, cut that nasty dairy out, and start exercising on a regular basis. That doesn't seem to hard to follow does it? I don't want to start out tomorrow with a plan to workout 5 hours a day, 7 days a week or anything crazy, but I have to do something.

When it was nicer out I was walking with the babies, but then it got really cold and I kept getting sick and no more walking. Smug-Sister got a Wii and since I will be there, I think that I should plan on playing something like dance off each day and walking with Smug-Grandma at least once a week. I think that is doable!

The other thing I want to do more of in 2011 is being a nicer person. I want to stop yelling at other drivers for being stupid. I want to stop judging others. I want to stop thinking negatively about others. That is actually a really tall order, to try to control your thoughts, but I'm going to try :)

What are you thinking about for the new year? Anything that you want to make happen?

Good-Bye 2010 - thanks for the memories, take care and have a wonderful time joining the past and giving up the title of present!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sick Woman

I am so sick. I am trying to be as whiny about it as possible. I took today off work for two big reasons, first, Smug-Baby was really sick too. Her eyes were gunked shut this morning and she spent the whole night crying and it was after 1am before I got her to bed and then she was up and down all night. That is the second reason I stayed home today, I got no sleep! Poor baby wanted only mama and daddy just wouldn't do, so I sent him on to bed about 11 and I stayed up with her.

She would cry and want to be picked up and then want to nurse, but I guess that nursing didn't make her feel that much better, so she would pull off and cry and want to get down. As soon as she was down, she would cry and want back up again. I had no voice and one of the worst sore throats I can ever remember having. My head felt like it was going to explode and my eyes hurt to blink. I kept thinking this time she nursed she was would fall asleep and every time, just as she was fluttering her eyes closed, she would pull off the breast and hop down.

When she finally did fall asleep and I took her into bed, Smug-Hub woke and informed me that he wasn't taking no for an answer, that I was staying home from all my jobs and taking care of myself and the baby and NOTHING else. I agreed and sent e-mails from my phone to let my bosses know that I was going to be out.

Smug-Baby and I slept until about 8:30 this morning and I called Smug-Grandma to bring me anything and everything she could think that might help. I wanted to have symptom relief as well as immunity building. She also picked up Gramps' pills and took care of him for the day. I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything but take care of me and my baby.

I probably could have worked once I got up and moving around, but it was more important to stay home and just nurse Smug-Baby all day long and get her feeling better. Smug-Hub thought we should consider something like baby-Tylenol or baby-Motrin to help her feel better. I got online and started doing some research and found that the FDA is not recommending giving anything chemical to children especially any child under the age of 2 because of the huge risk of fatal overdosing. They are stating that any benefits are far outweighed by the risks. Apparently the line between normal dosage and fatal overdose is so small that they don't feel that the child is helped enough my the medicine to risk it.

We decided that breastmilk was Smug-Baby's best medicine (did I post on here about her diaper rash? She had scratched herself so deeply that it got infected and was starting to ooze puss. I thought that perhaps I should take her to the doctor, but it was the Christmas holiday and everything was closed. I decided to put some breastmilk on the rash and did that with every diaper change - the rash was completely gone within 24 hours!) so, I just tried to keep her nursing as much as she wanted or would take. We decided not to give her anything else, not even water, because that would take up room in her stomach that would be better filled with milk. It worked, by the time Smug-Hub got home of work today she was at about 75%. Her eyes were still a little goopy and her nose was running, but both were less than they had been.

My head is starting to really hurt again as the sun has gone down and things are always worse at night. I have to go into work tomorrow no matter how badly I feel. My company has this rule that in order to be paid for your holiday you must report to work the day before and the day after the holiday unless you have a pre-approved vacation request. Since Friday is the paid holiday for New Years Day, I have to work Thursday. I guess my company really doesn't care so much if I infect others :) I really do feel like I would report to work anyway, I'm just complaining. I probably could have made it through the work day today I had really needed to, but I'm glad that I stayed home and rested and took care of my girl. I spent 100% of my time and energy on us and we needed it!

Maybe I should be drinking breastmilk too!! She is totally bouncing around the house now!! She and daddy are rolling around the floor and having so much fun! The only problem with this, is that he is getting her all worked up and she probably will be up late again tonight - oh well, she is having fun and feeling better so that is all that matters!

UPDATE: She was up until 11!! But I'm up and ready for work and she is sleeping and while I feel like death at the moment, I'm sure after a little Emergen-C, I'll be able to get through the day!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Baby's First Christmas

Last Christmas, I was huge! I was uncomfortable, my back hurt, my knees ached, my feet and legs were swollen and I was waiting for my baby to join us for Christmas on this side on my stomach. This year, she was here!

I decided that I wasn't going to get her anything for Christmas. I knew that her grandmothers, all three of them, would get her stuff and there wasn't anything that she needed. She has toys and clothes and everything else and then some that a baby could need. Then I threw that silly thought right out the window and proceeded to purchase 5 different toys, 2 outfits, countless tights and socks, plastic spoons and forks, a Disney princess plate, bowl and cup and a Partridge in a Pear Treeeeeee!!

Christmas morning, I awoke at 5:15, it was dark out still and I was tired, but I knew that Smug-Baby would be awake soon and I wanted to get everything ready. I turned on the Christmas tree and found that Santa had indeed visited! Her stocking was full and all her gifts were laid out on the coffee table, arranged just so. I put a yule log DVD on the TV and Christmas carols played in the background.

Then I climbed back in bed to wait for her to wake up. Then I waited. Then I waited some more. Then I nudged her and waited some more. Finally, I fell back asleep and she woke me at 8:30 - Eight-freaking-thirty!! I don't think that she has slept that late in her whole 10 months of life!! She giggled at me and patted my face before rolling over and climbing up onto of her daddy and smacking him in the face until he woke up and hugged her. We got out of bed and looked out the window to see about an inch of snow on the ground and falling all around the house. It was White Christmas - which rarely happens here.

I got the video camera ready and he walked her down the hall. I think that she picked up on our excitement because she sat down half-way to the living room and asked her daddy to pick her up. He brought her into the living room and they started playing with the various toys and pulling things out of her stocking. Overall, while she seems to like the new toys, she wasn't overly impressed with the whole affair!

Cool Toy!

Oscar just sang to me about trash Mom!

Daddy's chocolate bar wrapper is the best give ever!!!

Daddy and I opened our gifts from each other and from family and I made breakfast. We spent the morning laying around, watching "A Christmas Story", talking and just being together as a family. In the afternoon, we packed up everything (food, gifts, etc.) and headed over to my mom's for the family get together.

The house was warm and full and happy. We ate ourselves silly and exchanged gifts. We talked and laughed and had a lovely time.

Watching the Cat

Watching whatever the cat was watching

Nerf fight!

 Direct Hit!
Frantic Reloading!

 Evasive Maneuvers

 Weapons Jamming

Still trying to get it out of the box as the battle rages all around 

Alliances are formed and the battle is soon over!

Finally, Smug-Baby had had enough and we left to head for home. She was asleep before we turned off mom's road and slept until I finally got her in the house.

You see, that lovely snow that was falling that morning, was still falling as we made our way home and we were unable to get up the hill to our house. Dad came with his all-wheel drive and we unloaded everything from our car into his and he got us up the hill and home. We unloaded everything and then bundled the baby inside. She slept through the moving of car seat, food, gifts and everything else. She slept through the slipping and sliding and bumping to get home. She slept through all the unloading and the carrying of her seat into the house and up the stairs. What woke her was sitting her seat down on the floor. She was awake and played until 11:30!!

I am very pleased overall with her first Christmas and besides some family stuff that I feel badly about, it was a really nice day. I hope that she will be more excited about Christmas next year, but probably it won't be until the year after that - but then Christmas is going to be SO MUCH FUN!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Downside of Christmas

I am constantly annoyed by holiday ads. The TV commercials that tell us that we need to purchase several expensive and extravagant items in order to show our loved ones that we love them. Now, as much as I hate that we have it drilled into us that the more expensive the gift, the better, I do get that retailers are trying to sell their crap and are just doing what they can to make it happen.

However, today is the day after Christmas and now all the commercials have changed. Now, they are informing us that their store is having great sales so you can "get what you really want". So, they brainwashed us into purchasing too much at too high a cost and now they are going to insult us for what we purchased?

When did Christmas become so much about the gifts? I hear it all the time, "I have to get something for this person, because they got something for me" or "I'm not getting something for that person, because they didn't get me anything." There is talk of price limits and who is giving to whom and frankly I think it stinks!

Christmas is supposed to be celebrating the day that a great man was born. Christmas is about family and food and magic and love. Christmas is about giving a gift to someone you love to show them how much they mean to you.

Christmas is not about outdoing last year, spending yourself into the ground or about how much you spent over what someone else spent. I hate watching TV and hearing all the retailers tell us that women have to have jewelry and men need a TV or new car and kids need video game systems and cell phones and everything else at the store. Now, on top of all that, they are telling us to do more shopping because, we couldn't possibly have gotten what we really wanted.

I will post soon about my personal and Smug-Baby's first Christmas (as soon as I get my pictures downloaded), but for right now, go hug the people you love and don't go shopping!! It's Christmas - spend you time, not your money :)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Thoughts

I have been feeling a bit stressed as of late. I guess trying to adjust to my new life of working more is hard and taking care of two babies is hard. But I knew it was going to be hard, I knew it would be an adjustment and I know, even when I am really struggling, that it will be great and it's the right thing to do.

However, as the holiday's approached this year, I wanted to be really excited about it. I wanted to savor every moment and every new experience that Smug-Baby would have. I really wanted to, but I wasn't. I was stressing over how to pay for everything that I wanted to get for her and all my family. I was stressing over how to get everything purchased with my limited time. I stressed over getting to the grocery store and fighting crowds everywhere. I felt like I was in a bad mood most of the time and I wasn't enjoying anything.

All that changed yesterday. I unexpectedly had a free day! I left the office to find that my friend's baby was sick and had (possibly) exposed Smug-Baby, Smug-Hub and myself to something (possibly) contagious. I called Smug-Sister and gave her the option of not having me and my baby come and (possibly) infect her family right before Christmas and she decided that she had a light day and she would be fine without my help.

So, there I was with a free day. The world was my oyster, I could do anything! As it happened, Smug-Hub was also off work (a whole other story and don't even get me started on that!!) So, we both had some last minute things to pick up and then we met downtown for lunch.

The street and sidewalks were full of people shopping and on their way to lunch and that song with the line "It's Christmas time in the city" kept playing in my head as we walked over to the Thai place for lunch. Smug-Baby spent the whole meal entertaining the other patrons and staff. The food was good and Smug-Hub was also in a great mood.

I ran a few more places to get things that I needed and came home to bake some cookies for my friend who was heading out of town in the evening. I was pulling some cookies from the oven and I could smell the wonderful sugary smell filling the house. I could hear Smug-Baby and her daddy having a cooing conversation has they played in the living room. A Christmas special was on the TV in the background and my heart was full to bursting with love and Christmas spirit! I felt like, this moment, right here was THE moment, the perfect moment of love and happiness.

I had to run to the grocery store and take something to my sister and as I was whizzing through the store, I realized that my face was feeling a little sore. I checked myself in the freezer door I happened to be passing and discovered the source of the soreness - I could not stop smiling! I was smiling at all the people stopping to make faces at Smug-Baby. I was smiling at the folks working hard to restock the shelves. I was making jokes with the customer who thought getting Red Velvet cupcakes would be better than eating the whole cake by herself. I was laughing with the cashier who carded me for some wine (I'm 34 so that never happens anymore).

I was/am really happy. Really excited for all the cooking that I need to do today and preparing for the cooking that will need to be done tomorrow. I am no longer dreading how I'm going to find the time to do all the wrapping. I am filled with Christmas spirit and love for my dear friends and family. I am finally feeling the excitement that I was trying to pretend I was feeling.

I guess I have let go of that need to savor all the firsts and am now just enjoying all the moments be they firsts or not.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sleeping Like A Baby

That phrase is total bull shit. It is always meant like the person is sleeping really well, really soundly, really peacefully, but that is not how babies sleep!! They are up and down all night long and really only fall soundly asleep 2.4 second before the alarm goes off and you have to get out of bed.

The last few years (OK, only days, but it feels like years), Smug-Baby has been having trouble in the sleep area. I think that the combination of her schedule change and teething is responsible, but bottom line, she is not sleeping through the night anymore. On a wonderful night, like last night, she wakes only 2-3 times, I move her to my other side to switch Binky's and she nurses right back to sleep and I am able to fall back asleep quickly. On a bad night, she might go to sleep like normal about 9pm and then wake up and want to play a few hours later, or not be ready for sleep until 11 or midnight.

Since I started working for Smug-Sister, Smug-Baby's naps have been sporadic with no real routine to them. Both babies tend to take their nap together sometime between 11 and 1 in the afternoon and if my sister is able to nurse hers to sleep, then I can focus on nursing Smug-Baby to sleep. However, Smug-Baby does not allow me to put her down during this nap time. I don't really have a bed or good place to put her down there yet, and if Smug-Niece wakes before Smug-Baby does and then I try to put her down to get Smug-Niece, Smug-Baby wakes and cries as though her heart is breaking until I can pick her back up and nurse.

Smug-Grandma offered to bring over her old yoga mat which is about 4 inches thick and almost the size of a twin bed. We could keep it rolled up when not in use and only unroll it for nap time. I hope that this will work and Smug-Baby can start getting a good nap at a pretty set time of the day. I think that this will help her to get on a routine and help her sleep better at night.

I know that within a few short months, Smug-Niece will be more able to play on her own and with Smug-Baby and Smug-Baby will adjust to sharing her mommy with her cousin. They will both adjust to the new way of life and all will be wonderful (hush, I need my dreams!!) but getting there is tough! It's not like I can (or would) just quit working for my sister because Smug-Baby isn't sleeping well at night, but its hard to get up every day and just get through it when I haven't slept well.

All that being said, last night was pretty wonderful! She nursed to sleep and we climbed into bed at 9 on the dot and except for a phone call at 9:15 (which I answered and hung up on all in one quick movement and Smug-Baby stayed asleep), we both drifted into dreamland. She woke to switch sides and nurse at 11:45, 2:30, and 4:15, but only for moments to move and get latched on and I was able to go back to sleep easily each time, except for the one at 4:15, I just turned the alarm off and got up.

So, next time someone asks you how you slept - think about what it means before you tell them you slept like a baby :)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

10 Months

Dear Smug-Baby,

You rang in your 10 month birthday with joyful giggling and rolling around the bed. Your daddy kept saying your name in an attempt to get you to calm down and find sleep, however, this simply caused more giggling and wiggling. You spent the first hour of your 10 month birthday playing and watching cartoons while your poor parents sat looking on with bleary eyes wondering how you were awake with so much energy at midnight! You finally nursed to sleep and stayed that way about 12:30 and your parents sighed with relief as they were finally able to surrender to sleep themselves for a few short hours until the alarm went off signaling me to get up and get ready for work.

Happy 10 month birthday my love!

So, what's new with Smug-Baby this month?

She is standing on her own for longer moments and has even taken a few falling steps toward me or daddy. I have a feeling she will be walking in mere moments!

She has bit me a few times and when I yelled at her to not bite, she laughed, it was a fun game and let's do it again! That was horrible, but she hasn't bit me in a few days, so maybe we are past it (fingers crossed).

She is learning more and more. For example, when she sees Smug-Grandma and grandma is holding her and says "Upside-down baby" Smug-Baby will grip her tighter as she knows the dunk upside-down is coming. Smug-Sister taught her to find her nose and other's noses. Smug-Baby will not do it on command every time but every now and then she will give in and point to her nose or mine or smug-sister's.

She waves and says "hi" to people all the time now. Its not a bending finger wave, more like a parade wave and she waves at everyone. People in the retirement community with Gramps lives, people in the grocery store, the dogs, kids, people on the TV. It's is totally cute and everyone melts when she waves at them.

She is walking/pushing this little toy down the hall and back. Smug-Hub and I will each take an end to help her turn around and she will go back and forth forever!! She giggles the whole time, it is so much fun.

She has also found a way fun game, which is pushing toys, keys, shoes, anything she can find, under the baby gate and down the stairs. We find all sorts of items on various steps and she gets frustrated if the item does not bounce all the way down - it's super fun!!

She still doesn't like sharing her mommy with Smug-Niece, but I think that she is getting better about it and doesn't try to smack her in the head as much any more. She still wants to crawl, putting all her weight down, on Smug-Niece's stomach, face and anything else in order to get to the toys, or mama. She gets very upset that I will not let her do this and cries and wiggles.

She has also started arching her back to flop backwards. She does it for fun but also when she is upset and this has resulted in a few close calls. She hasn't been dropped yet, but its been close - there is not warning!!

She has eaten a few more items. She like beans and has taken the "leaves" from a floret of broccoli and seemed to like that. I have tried pears from the baby food collection and she likes that OK, but only in the last few days of watching some other babies eating and I have to take a bite first before she seems to understand. Binky's are still number 1 and she starts smacking my chest and pulling at my shirt when she is hungry. She still makes that cute "I'm so excited about my Binky's" noises when she hears the bra flap snap. It's too cute!

She had her first fever this month. It lasted about 6 hours one evening and I just nursed her through it and didn't give her any chemical medicine, I just let her body take care of itself. That was the extent of the head cold for her that her daddy and I have been fighting for the last several days.

Her 5th tooth broke the skin this week. I am so proud of her for going through the pain and annoyance of cutting these teeth with such dignity and grace. The 6th tooth seems very close to breaking through.

Her first Christmas fast approaches and Santa is one freaky dude!! Besides the Santa visit where she was sleeping the whole time, she has screamed and cried at each Santa she has seen. I thought that perhaps by exposing her to several Santa's through the holiday he would become less scary, but alas, not - maybe next year!

I woke this morning channeling Jeremy Piven from Grosse Pointe Blank going "10 months - 10" I can't believe that my baby is in the double digit months now and only a matter of weeks from being a whole year old!!! I noticed a picture that Smug-Grandma has of her from Easter and I hardly recognize her. Was she ever that small?? Where did this last year go? I look at my nephew who is turning 8 next month and remembering when he was Smug-Baby's age and I start to hyperventilate that I am going to do a slow blink and my little girl will be all grown up.

We were watching Shrek last night and I remembered how when he was Smug-Baby's age he loved that movie and then trying to get my head around the fact that this movie was that old.

Thank you Smug-Baby. I'm having the time of my life and I owe it all to you!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Sick Men

Why is it that when we women are sick, the show must go on? We struggle through all that we have to do during the day without much complaint, we don't get to crawl into bed and take the rest we so desperately need in order to get better quickly. It takes us longer to get over whatever the aliment and, in my case, can't take anything chemical because of the interference with nursing.

Men on the other hand, are not nursing, so they can take whatever pills they would like when they are sick. They have the option of taking the time to lay in bed and sleep and rest and get better. Yet, they are the biggest babies!! They are the whinniest, laziest, cry-babies in the world!!

Smug-Hub finally caught the head cold that I have had for the last two weeks. Smug-Sister and her husband both have it as well and Smug-Baby was sick for about 6 hours. Smug-Grandma even caught it, so it was really contagious and really hard to get over. He felt it coming on like Wednesday and felt even worse on Thursday. He took Friday off and spent most of the day in bed - all the while taking sinus and head cold medicine!

Saturday, he was feeling better and we went out as a family and did some last minute Christmas shopping, had dinner with friends and drove around to see the Christmas lights. He whinnied the whole time!

Sunday, we had family coming for an early dinner and about 4 million things to try to do before hand. While I ran a few errands, Smug-Hub said that he would clean the kitchen and work on laundry, collect the trash and anything else on the list he could get done before I got home.

When I returned about 2 hours later, he had taken the kitchen trash can bag and set it on the back porch - he called this collecting and taking out the trash. Never mind that the bathroom can was overflowing or that the cans in our bedroom and Smug-Baby's bedroom were getting full!

Beyond this, he had fully taken apart the free-standing cabinet in the kitchen. He told me that the shelf at the top collapsed he it needed to be fully reinforced. Fine. I carried all the pieces to the garage (while he gathered some screws - very strenuous!) Then I spent the next hour, getting the dinner in the oven, cleaning up the clutter around the house, putting clean sheets on the bed, making wipes, folding diapers, sorting laundry and getting it started, wrapped a few Christmas gifts and cleaned off the dining room table.

In that time, he drilled about 12 holes. He had to make a run to Lowes to get some special screws and did that while I put the changed the baby's diaper and put her down for a nap. He brought the parts back up to the kitchen and worked on putting the cabinet back together while I made a salad, made ice tea, got potatoes cooking, set the table, nursed the baby, folded laundry, and opened the wine.

When family arrived, my dad and cousin jumped in to help Smug-Hub complete the assembly while I finished mashing potatoes and getting dinner on the table. The cabinet is complete and once again full of stuff - except for the doors, anyone what to take bets on how many weeks it takes to get those put back on?? How about if I end up having to do it myself??

Dinner was great and everyone raved on the food, which is always wonderful but while I was serving dessert, Smug-Hub starting snapping at me about helping him get the kitchen cleaned up and dishwasher loaded. I told him to leave everything and enjoy our company and our dessert, but he snapped that dessert could wait until the kitchen wasn't such a complete disaster. We worked together, him grumbling and snapping all the way, and got everything put away and cleaned up.

We enjoyed dessert and family and Smug-Baby until everyone had gone and we were all ready for bed. I asked him why he was in such a bad mood and he went off about how sick he was and how he had spent the whole day putting together the stupid cabinet that I had wanted to buy and how it broke because I had filled it with all this heavy crap that I don't even use.

I explained that I had been just as sick and I didn't take it out on him, to which he replied that he was way more sick than I had been and I just needed to deal with him bad mood and put up with him until he felt better.

Smug-Baby was not interested in sleeping and is our arrangement, he stayed up with her and I went to bed, since I have to go to work at 4am. He finally brought her into bed at 11:20 - I couldn't help but feel a little vindicated that he had to stay up and take care of her all on his own while I got some sleep :) Is that evil of me???

Friday, December 17, 2010


There is a lot of death around me right now. My family has lost so much in the last few years, but this year it seems like we are losing more than before. My grandmother left this world in March, my cousin in September. My sister-friend is having to decide if turning off life-support on her father is the best decision. Smug-Grandma's best friend lost her mother this week and tonight a childhood friend of my brother's was taken off life support and quietly died.

It's this one that has me all teary. I didn't know this child well, he was my brother's age and friend and I was a teenager that had little interaction with my brother's little friends. I know that this boy was troubled, I remember hearing updates over the years that he was in trouble with the law or his girlfriend was pregnant and I knew that he was into drugs.

Last summer, while I was pregnant, I spent several evenings a week visiting my brother in jail (5 months for drug possession - pot). We got, I thought, closer during that time and while he said that he was done doing any selling of drugs, he was never going to stop smoking weed and thought that he would work with those who were trying to get pot legal.

After his release, my brother faded from my life again. He has always been independent and never likes doing much with us, the family. I get it... kinda, but I miss having him in my life and I wish that he wanted to be part of things. I go months without hearing from him or seeing him and when I do, it is at my doing. I take my car to have the oil changed at the shop he runs, or send him "Happy Thanksgiving" texts. He generally responds and seems happy to hear from me and see me, but never makes any effort to see me or call me or even talk to me. When he was a captive audience, he was happy to have someone to talk to, now he just wants to be left alone to live his life.

This boy was found unconscious on someones front porch one morning and was rushed to the hospital. His family has no idea why he was there, how he got there or anything. He was full of various drugs including a huge dose of insulin which had put him in a comma.

That could easily have been or even still could be my brother. We, his family, have no idea where he spends his time, who with, nothing! I miss my brother. I miss that little kid who would scream at the top of his lungs while mowing the grass, just to let off steam. I miss the boy who used to let my sister and I dress him up complete with high heels and make up. I miss the man I thought I was getting to know through 2 inches of glass and a bad phone connection.

I don't want to wake up one day to hear that he was found somewhere.

Rest in Peace Aaron.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Best Laid Plans

They were calling for the snow to start about 11 last night. It was supposed to snow about 2-4 inches by morning and turn to sleet and freezing rain and then to just rain by this afternoon. This forecast was really fine with me. I can drive in the snow and I would be home most of the day anyway.

I got up extra early this morning so that I would have time to scrape off the truck and shovel the driveway if needed. However, everything is bone dry. Not a flake to be seen! This too is fine with me. I have no love of snow and ice and the day would run more smoothly without it to be sure.

I turned on the TV to see the weather and I see that the snow is imminent and should be starting soon. Now this is also fine. I can get to work before the snow starts and people start driving like they are nutso. However, this means that my husband and my sweet girl will probably have to be out in it when the snow is falling at its worst and before the plows are able to do their thing. This worries me.

After I leave work today, I have to take care of Gramps and make a run to the UPS store (they are right beside each other, so no biggie) before I come home. I just hope that I am able to get that stuff done and home still before the sleet and freezing rain make it really hard to get up the big hill to my house.

So, I have time this morning to post. I would rather be sleeping but someone decided that it was time for her to be awake too and I sit here typing away with a sweet girl playing with her ball at my feet, giggling as the ball rolls away from her and every now and then looking up at Sesame Street on the TV. My life is so perfect right now :)

However, I must finish getting ready for work and kiss her soft little face good-bye for a few long hours until I can squeeze her the whole day through!!

UPDATE: The snow started falling as I was driving to work and I listened to Christmas music and watched it fall while I waited for the building door to unlock. What is it about falling snow that makes the day/night feel so still and quiet??

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I love Christmas! I love the food best of all I guess. Last night I made some holiday biscotti (with cranberries and almonds) and some chocolate biscotti (with chocolate chips and walnuts) to send to some loved ones for Christmas gifts. I need to get everything wrapped and packaged up tonight for a post office run tomorrow morning. I hope that I haven't waited too long and they won't arrive before Christmas!!

Anyway, the house was filled with the smell of baking and the lights on the tree were twinkling and my sweet baby was in the back-pack watching my every move. I had Christmas music playing in the back ground and the wind outside was howling. The house was warm and I felt full of the joy of Christmas!!

I am going to do some more baking on Thursday to prepare the food gifts for my neighbors and will probably go ahead and make a few more of the food gifts for others and try to deliver them all this weekend. That will leave me all next week for wrapping family gifts and making even more food!!

I hardly even feel my head cold anymore! Mornings are hard and as soon as I lay down at night, my head stops up and I can't breathe. However, during the day I feel pretty normal, just more tired. I look forward to next week and all the time off and time spent with my family!

I hope that your holiday plans are going well and that you are full of the joy and magic that is Christmas!! Remember, Christmas isn't a day, its a state of mind!! :)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


This weekend we took Smug-Baby to see two different Santa's. Our local history museum offers a Fantasyland throughout December and displays all these old Christmas window displays from the old downtown retailers. This was started in the 1970's and I was actually taken there when I was a child so it was fun to start this as a tradition with my daughter.

Santa told story's and sung songs and talked to all the kids about how Christmas was about giving and being with your loved ones and less about what you get. He told them about how important it was to listen to your parents and be nice to your brothers and sisters. Smug-Baby watched with rapt attention!

There was another baby there just a bit older and she fell in love with my Smug-Baby and they made friends!

Then Santa posed with each child for pictures. We let Smug-Baby take it all in and watch all the other kids talking to Santa, but when it was her turn, the result was the same. She was really freaked out!!!

After that we headed over to the office where they were having a Christmas party for the associates children. Smug-Baby fell asleep on the drive over (I guess screaming at scary Santa is tiring!!) and I figured that she would wake as soon as I got her out of the car, but she stayed asleep.

I figured that she would wake up when I laid her in Santa's lap, but she slept.

I figured she would wake up while I was snapping pictures, but she slept.

I figured she would wake up while we were taking her around the party and showing her off to our co-workers, but she slept.

She actually slept while I put her back in the car, through the drive home, while we carried the car seat into the house and for almost 2 more hours!! She was probably still feeling rough from the little fever/cold she is dealing with.

My sweet baby!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

I Want to Live in New Zealand or Thoughts about Stuff

I spent some quality time this weekend worrying about how to pay for Christmas. I worried about the gifts already purchased and the gifts still left to purchase. I worried about the cost of the food that would be made, the cost of stamps for Christmas cards and the cost of shipping to get some gifts to the out of town friends and family.

Then I read a post from Learning Along the Way and got really sad that my Christmas has turned into something very commercial and material. I have been so caught up in squeezing every possible moment and experience into Smug-Baby's first Christmas - after all, this is the only first - that I am making myself crazy.

I don't get crazy about Christmas. I never have. I'm the one who starts shopping in October, a little something here, a little something there. I never stress, I always enjoy. But not so much this year. I know that I am over-stressed as I adjust to my new work schedule and money is much tighter than in years past, but Christmas isn't about stuff, or gifts or even food. Its about love and togetherness and being happy.

So, I resolve to let it all go. I've purchased my last gift for the season (who cares of Smug-Baby doesn't have a full stocking on Christmas morning?!?! She doesn't care!!!) I'm going to concentrate on singing carols to my girl and doing what I love about Christmas - BAKING!! I want to watch classic Christmas movies and hold my baby girl and nothing more!!

My sweet darling girl is sick. She isn't quite 10 months old and this will be her first illness. Friday evening, she felt hot to me. Her dad had been holding her and he runs warm, so I figured it was just that, but after she had been playing in the floor for a few minutes, I felt her again and she was decidedly warm. I got out the thermometer and she was at 101.3. I held her close and she curled her body into me and I knew she didn't feel good. I had been feeling like I was coming down with a cold myself (scratchy throat, achy, nose running - you know the drill), so I thought perhaps she was getting the same thing.

I quickly got her ready for bed and we nursed a long time until she fell sleep and then we both went to bed. I remember waking in the night and feeling her hot little face and neck and worrying that perhaps I should be doing something else. My step-mother had suggested something to reduce the fever, but I knew that the fever was actually a good thing and her body was fighting off this thing and introducing a medicine would just cause her body to have to work harder. Sometime in the night the fever broke and she was much cooler Saturday and although she slept more than normal, she was acting like her normal self. Sunday was more of the same - lots of sleep, but no more fever and her nose had even stopped running.

When I was reading Simple Peace Mama's post on illness, I was happy to know that I had done the right thing, letting the fever run itself out and I am proud of my baby girl's strong immune system that was able to work hard and fight off this cold really fast. Me, on the other hand, I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest!! I am drinking herbal tea and taking Airborne and Emergen-C, and as much as I would love some chemical that would make me feel better and take away my suffering, I know that letting my body fight this itself is the best thing I can do for myself!!!

Last topic! A girl I know gave birth to her daughter this weekend. While I am very happy that all is well finally. I am heart sick about how it all went down. I truly hope that she is happy with her birth experience and not traumatized like I would have been in her situation and I really don't have many details. Its the same story we hear all the time - Doctors are concerned that mom won't be able to deliver the baby as they are sure that the baby is over 9 pounds, so they induce, give epidural, labor doesn't progress, they break the water, labor doesn't progress, they move to a c-section, mom has complications, baby is only 8 pounds.

I am just sick that they convinced this young mother, who was already anxious and excited to meet her baby to induce and the baby wasn't ready, so more and more interventions had to done and now there are complications. I hope that my friend is so in love with her baby right now, that she doesn't care about how it happened and she is totally fine with how it all went down.

I just know that I would feel angry and betrayed by the doctors I trusted to help me, knowing that they caused all the problems. I would feel mad at myself for not trusting in God. I had almost exactly the labor experience that I wanted and my baby still had problems and I wrestle with  the "what if's" all the time. What if I hadn't had my membranes swept? What if I had done the home birth? Perhaps the midwife would have handled the cord issue better, perhaps Smug-Baby would have nursed right after birth and aspirated breast milk which may have cleared her lungs within moments. I know that I wouldn't have hemorrhaged because the cord wouldn't have been cut, and the placenta wouldn't have been forcibly delivered.

Here is the thing - I can feel guilty or place blame all day long. However, what happened is in the past, it can't be changed it can only be learned from and I hope that my friend is able to do that, learn from her experience and not spend a lot of time thinking about what could have been.

Friday, December 10, 2010

We Are All Human

Why do we hold celebrities to a higher/lower standard than the "normal" folk?

Why do we allow politicians to be held to a MUCH lower standard than normal folk?

I was thinking about how we always hear after the fact, like once they have been elected, that a politician was unfaithful to their spouse. But the fact is that people knew about it before-hand and nothing was said or at least nothing was taken seriously.

It feels like it only became news once they were elected and the revelation would sell more magazines or news organizations would pay more for the information. It's like everyone is consumed with greed and not with electing the best people to run our country. Is it any wonder that our economy is tanking?

Here is the saddest thing: Corruption and sleaze has become commonplace for our politicians, so much so that it is not really even a kiss of death for their career, just some bad press that they have to move past. Bill Clinton had numerous affairs and he is still popular and still has a career; and wasn't there a mayor in the 80's, in New York I think, that was caught on video buying drugs, went to jail, got out, ran for office and won?!?!

I was then thinking about how Miley Cyrus is criticized for taking racy pictures of herself - she is just being a teenager for God sake! Teens are growing and testing and discovering themselves and she should totally be allowed to do the same. The only reason it is news is because she is famous. People think that because she has fans that are little girls and teens themselves that she is a role model and if she tries to be sexy, then her fans will be too and OMG what ever will we do then!! People seem to forget that it is a parent's job to guide and raise their children and not Miley Cyrus's!!

So then, why is it that Miley is judged so harshly for her actions, that are the same as pretty much any teenager? She is simply a singer, an actor - a good one? Sure! A popular one? Totally, but just a singer none the less. Why do we continue to elect people to run our country who are corrupt and greedy and faithless? We give a free pass to our politicians because, we are all human and we all make mistakes and we can all be redeemed. The problem is, they aren't being redeemed - they try to sell a senate seat to the highest bidder and then go on to reality TV and become even more famous!

I say we give Miley a break and stop electing assholes to run our country! I wonder if we all wrote in Spongebob for president what would happen - after all Spongebob is loyal, never has a bad word to say about anyone, has a good attitude and a great work ethic!! I think he would make a great president!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

What Would You Do?

If someone called your house at 12:36am? What if you knew that this person might be drunk and calling because they want in some way to reconnect with your family because they were once in a relationship with one of your family members and are sad it ended? What if you silenced the phone as quickly as possible and did not answer because you knew that it would probably be a drunk call? What if the call woke your baby and you spent the next two hours trying to get said baby back to sleep? What if, by then, you only were able to get about two hours of sleep before having to get up and go to work and work all day???

Because at 4am when the alarm went off, I really wanted to call this person and ask what the hell was so important that they needed to call after midnight, not leave a message and wake the freaking baby?????

I am tired.

I am pissed.

I want to block this number.

I am going to start turning my phone off completely at night.

I hadn't been doing that since Gramps came to town, because if there is an emergency, I want to be available, but some jerk calling in the middle of the night to (probably) tell me how much he misses my mother, is not what I had in mind!!

I wonder if she got a midnight phone call. What about Smug-Sister? I should find out before I call him back and blast his ass - just on the outside chance it was about something legitimate.

But, then why not leave a message or call back if it was some kind of emergency??? If it was a mis-dial, also leaving a message apologizing for calling the wrong number would have been nice. Lord, I am so pissed!!

To end this post on a positive note, because I refuse to let assholes get me down!!

This is not how I would have set up this toy display:

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Last night when Smug-Baby was in the bath, I decided to grab the camera and snap a few, but by the time I got everything together she was really ready to get out. As you can see:

Today, we took the babies to see Santa at the library. Smug-Grandma took the boys (my nephews) last year and it was really nice without all the crowds and lines and expense at the mall. So before we left, I took a few shots of Smug-Baby playing with Smug-Niece.

Although I didn't get any pictures of it, there was a funny/sweet incident that I have to tell you about. I needed to run back to my house to get some pills that Gramps needed, so I bundled the girls up and loaded them into my car and off we went. When we got to my house, I let Smug-Baby play and I left Smug-Niece strapped in her car seat (because she was happy there) while I used the bathroom and gathered up the stuff I needed. The seat was covered with one of those covers that keeps the baby warm - all you could see was Smug-Niece's little face through the hole. I noticed that Smug-Baby was playing near the car seat and even pulling herself up on it and talking up a storm to her little cousin.

Then, Smug-Niece began to be unhappy confined, so I unzipped the cover to find a red ball, a beaded necklace and a jar of peanut butter all hiding in the confines of the car seat with the baby. I figured out that Smug-Baby had been showing her cousin all her cool and favorite toys! So Sweet!!

So, back to Santa! When I got to the library, I needed to change both girls diapers and put them in their holiday outfits and then it was picture time!

 Smug-Niece didn't mind Santa at all
 Who are you?
 Smiling for Grandma

 Almost done!
 Ready to get up now Grandma!!
What the?!?!?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Feeling Good!

I'm in a pretty good mood this week - granted it's only Monday, but hey, its a start! it did me so much good to have a nice weekend and get everything done that I needed to, it makes the rest of the week much better not to have the undone hanging over my head.

I was able to leave Smug-Sister's a bit early tonight and spent a bit more time with Gramps (his blood sugars are really high and we are working with him and the doctor to try to figure out why). When I got home, my sweet baby girl was sleeping and kept sleeping until about 6pm! I was able to fold a load of laundry and do some work on the computer.

Later, she played at my feet while I cooked oats for my breakfasts this week and is currently playing in the tub with all four of her rubber ducky's!! It is nice to sit here on the bathroom floor and listen to her playing and splashing.

I am slightly worried about a little rash on her butt, so I thought some naked baby time was in order, so I let her crawl around naked for a bit and when she was good and cold, I stuck her in the bath to warm up and play some more. I know that she is sensitive and when she is teething as she is now, her poos are strange, so I wonder if that is what is causing the rash - that and I normally can tell when she poos and the last couple of days I have been surprised to change her diaper and see poo. I hate that she has been sitting in it for a long time and I didn't know. I feel like a bad mommy when I see the little red patches on her butt :(

Anyway, tomorrow I am taking her to see Santa and her cousin's are going with us along with Smug-Grandma and Gramps. It should be a fun outing and after that one of my nephews is in his school's holiday play - he is an elf! We are all going to troop over there and cheer him on! The batteries for my new camera and my video camera are already charging!!

OK, she is starting to whine, so I must get her out of the bath and ready for bed. Perhaps she will fall asleep quickly given that she is all warm and wet!! Here's hoping!!

UPDATE: It's 4am and my baby girl is wide awake and has been for about an hour. She also didn't fall asleep until almost 10 last night!! Mommy is going to be very sleepy today :(

Monday, December 6, 2010

It's Begining to Look a Lot Like Christmas

This weekend was just what I needed. I had been feeling so run down and stressed and overwhelmed that I really needed the weekend to get myself back in check. I realized that I haven't been taking care of myself very well. I have not been drinking enough water throughout the day and I can't remember the last time I ate a vegetable!

Friday after leaving Smug-Sister's place and taking care of Gramps, Smug-Baby fell asleep and I was able to clean my whole house while she slept and vacuum as soon as she woke up. It really took every ounce of my strength to get it done, but once complete, I was totally stoked! This would leave me time Saturday to run errands, finish laundry and grocery shop along with all the other stuff I needed to do. By the time Smug-Hub arrived home, I was ready for a hot shower and a back rub and then I went to bed!!

Saturday morning, my first task was Gramps and then to a photo session for Smug-Baby. However, my wonderful and amazing photographers had a family emergency and needed to reschedule, so my morning was suddenly open. Almost immediately after hanging up with them, my dad called and invited Smug-Baby and I to breakfast, so we did that! After that, Smug-Grandma called and an old friend of hers was visiting, so we headed over there to say hi.

After those nice visits, Smug-Baby and I took the vacuum cleaner to two different repair places, both of which told me it was not worth repairing, which is a huge bummer since I seem to have lousy luck with vacuums and then we hit up the grocery store. By the time we headed home she was really ready for a nap and while she slept I worked on laundry and watched some shows on the DVR.

It was snowing pretty hard when she woke up, so I took her outside to catch her first snowflakes on her nose and eyelashes! We took care of Gramps and got home in time to get a nice dinner on the table for Smug-Hub who had worked all day. We spent some time rolling on the floor playing with her baby girl and then headed off to bed.

Sunday morning no one had to work besides the visits to Gramps and while Smug-Baby and I took care of that Smug-Hub started setting up the Christmas tree and we spent the day decorating the house and tree. When I got back from my evening visit with Gramps, the whole house was lit up and looking lovey! Smug-Baby liked the tree OK, but didn't try to pull herself up on it or anything. I did stop decorating it about two feet from the bottom, so she would not be tempted to pull down any glass balls or anything.

I uploaded some pictures and videos to Facebook and we had leftovers for dinner. It was a full but relaxed Sunday and I feel much better about the week ahead!

 Merry Christmas

Friday, December 3, 2010


What makes a bully? How does a child learn how to push others around to get his or her own way and why? Does it perhaps start with the adults in their lives pushing them around and treating them like second class citizens? If we don't treat our children like they matter, like they are real human people with feelings than what do we expect them to do??

If children are treated well as children, they grow up thinking that it is OK to treat others with the same disrespect and then you have adults who can't carry on a conversation or function without causing problems.

Here is the story:

My nephew was riding the school bus and came home complaining that two other boys where picking on him, holding him down and drawing on his face and neck. Another time they pushed him under the seat, another time they took his shoe. A lot of boys being boys and my nephew was playing rough right back, but Smug-Sister felt it should be addressed and talked with the principal and the GM of the bus company (You see, our city leaders outsourced the bus drivers, causing many local folks to lose their jobs, or to re-apply for jobs with the new company and take cuts in pay and benefits). They talked to all three boys and the problem seemed to be resolved.

My issue was with the bus driver. His job is hard, I get it! But his job is to take care of the children on that bus and get them home safely. Is he is allowing the boys to jump from seat to seat, crawl under seats and hold each other down and draw on each other, then I feel there is a big problem!

This week, when my ex-brother-in-law met the bus to take my nephew for the afternoon, the bus driver yelled at my nephew, telling him that he needed sit still and stop jumping around on the bus. My nephew tried to explain that someone had taken his shoes and he was just trying to get them back, but the bus driver just kept yelling at him. My nephew's father stepped in and told the bus driver that he was aware of the issues on the bus and that my nephew wasn't the only problem. The bus driver slammed the door shut and drove off.

My sister called the GM of bus transportation and they pulled the tapes and could see all the boys jumping from seat to seat and playing around. Smug-Sister asked that her son be given an assigned seat away from the other boys on the bus, to keep him from getting involved.

When she met him at the bus stop today, the bus driver yelled at her to have a talk with her kid about getting right and not causing problems on the bus. She told him that my nephew was supposed to now have an assigned seat and he yelled back at her that he didn't have time to give every kid an assigned seat. She told him that she was trying to work with him to correct the situation and he didn't have to be an asshole, he slammed the door and drove away.

When Smug-Sister called the GM again and told him that the bus driver was yelling at the kids and her, she was told that the bus driver could yell at the kids all he wanted as long as he didn't cuss. She told him that her child wouldn't be riding the bus anymore with a bully for a driver and the GM replied that he was banning my nephew from the bus (like this was a big punishment since she wasn't going to let him ride the bus anymore anyway) and hung up on her.

Here is the thing, if the bus driver had talked to my sister calmly or the GM had been understanding and if they had both been willing to work with my sister in this situation, none of this would have happened. But because these adults don't believe that children should be treated with respect and don't understand that children are humans with feelings, this situation escalated into something ugly.

Apparently it is OK for the kids on the bus to bully each other, because the GM and the driver bully the parents. But here is the kicker - parents have power! I told my sister to call the local news. The city's decision to hire this outside company to handle the buses has gotten a ton of bad press from the start and parents need to know that the city leaders, the bus company and drivers are perfectly fine with kids bullying each other and with treating parents and kids alike as if they are an inconvenience and not the whole reason they have jobs!

Lastly, because I hate it when people complain without offering solutions, here is something that I think would help. Did you know that the public school buses don't have seatbelts?? Planes have seatbelts and lets face it, in a crash, a seatbelt on a plane ain't gonna do much! However, our public school systems care so little about the safety and well being of our children that they still don't install seatbelts. What if they did? Every child would be buckled in, unable to jump from seat to seat, unable to crawl under seats, unable to hold someone down and draw on their face.

The cars now ping when someone is not strapped in, the buses could have the same function and the driver could address. If there are kids that are not getting along, they could easily be moved to another seat and strapped in. This seems a pretty simple and fairly inexpensive fix.

Maybe I am in the minority, but I think that bullying is wrong. Be it from child to another child, adult to another adult or adult to child. Something has to be done to protect our children from growing up thinking that it's OK to treat others badly!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I had dinner with someone last night who has recently had his heart broken. He is dealing, but conflicted and it sounds like the woman is conflicted as well. They still talk and are trying to do the friend thing, but it is hard on him to talk to her and see her and remember the good times and know that she is with someone else.

Talking to him made me start thinking about breakups and how painful they can be, even when you know that it is the right thing and all for the best. How people handle their breakups can also be very telling, like the woman who ends her relationship and starts dating the same week. What does this say? Perhaps when you are dumped, thrown away, cheated on, whatever, you need to start dating right away to feel better about yourself. You need to feel desired again and it can help regain some of your self-worth that may have been lost when the person you loved tossed you aside.

People often jump into a rebound relationship probably for this same reason, to feel worthy of someones love and affection. I know someone who was dumped and immediately starting dating the ex's best friend. She told me later that this was done only to hurt her ex and when he didn't care what she was doing or who with, it lost its appeal and she had to end it. This caused the new guy to be hurt and everyone was just hurt all around. So, while rebounds can be necessary, they can cause a lot more hurt in the end.

I started thinking about my last relationship before I met my husband and how that relationship was probably more of a rebound that turned long-term (2 years). I think that I had loved being part of a couple so much that I just wanted that again and forced myself into a relationship with a man who didn't treat me very nicely. I stayed with him long after I knew he was abusive and I'm really not sure why. I know that at the time, I felt trapped by a lack of money to afford to live on my own and there were good times that I thought seemed to make up for the bad stuff. But, if I am really honest, I just didn't want to be single. I wanted to be married and have a family and I was getting older. I was in my late 20's and my younger sister was already married, owned a home and had a baby on the way, and I was stuck with none of those things that I wanted so badly.

When the breaking point was reached and I finally moved out. The boyfriend didn't believe me and kept calling me to reconcile. I think that he was convinced I was an idiot for leaving him and if he could just see me, talk to me, I would come back. When that didn't work, he proceeded to tell all our mutual friends that he had to dump me because I was trying to get pregnant behind his back (where that came from, I have no idea). I found out later that he had never stopped seeing other women even though we were living together and while that hurt me, I was mostly concerned about disease at that point. When I left, anything and everything that I had ever felt for him was dead.

However, this relationship had made me gun shy and while I went out and partied with my friends and reconnected with people I had let go in order to make time for this dysfunctional and abusive relationship, I refused to date. I was finally convinced about 6 months later to go on a date and it was horrible! My co-workers and friends encouraged me to let someone take me out and show me a nice time and I did and it was just awkward and I think that the guy really liked me, but I felt nothing for him and we had nothing in common and I swore off dating forever.

It would be another 6 months before I would meet my husband. I almost called to cancel my date with him a dozen times. When I met him, I tried to set him up with my friend, because I liked him and thought he was nice and since I wasn't interested, he might as well go out with someone nice, but he wasn't interested any my friend and they never went out. So I decided that I would just use him for sex :) After our first date, where I watched him like a hawk for signs that he was going to drink too much or say something to put me down in a sneaky way, I fell for him.

For the first year we dated, I kept him at arms length. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and for his "real" personality to be shown. It was a long time before I gave him my whole heart and my whole being.

Here is the thing. The year that I spent being single was the best thing I could have done for myself. I decided that I wasn't meant to be married or have a family and then I set about being OK about that. Once I was OK with the idea of not having the family I always wanted, I started to enjoy my life, myself and worked on making myself happy and strong and whole. By the time I met my husband, I was happy with myself and totally at peace in my life. I was perfect and complete and he was just gravy on this great life I had created. I know now that I was getting myself right, so that I would be in a good place to accept this wonderful man and be ready to really appreciate the family that was to be had with him.

So, here is what I have learned. While breakups are hard, you can't find the person who is perfect for you until you are perfect all on your own, in your own eyes, and you can't find your perfect person while you are with the wrong person.

I send strength and love to all those working on becoming complete and opening up for true love to find them!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Wise Words of Clarice!

I have had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Well, to be honest I have been in a shitty mood for several days now and I don't care for myself one bit!

It has been raining. That horrible drizzle rain that is just cold and wet and makes all the drivers on the road bat shit crazy. Work was fine besides from breaking three fingernails on my right hand when I attempted to scoot some boxes around in my cube. Then it took about 20 minutes for the teller at the bank to complete my deposit all the while my darling baby is crying the back seat. She is bored and hungry and already been in the car for almost an hour.

I take care of Gramps and get to Smug-Sister's and the day there was pretty fine. Smug-Niece was in a great mood and was content in her swing or playing on the floor most of the day, while Smug-Baby seemed like she wasn't feeling well and just cried most of the day. She seemed very easily frustrated and just wanted to be held all day. I feel like my "job" of helping my sister with her baby is wonderful, but it forces me to short-change my own child a bit. When I wasn't working, I would have just held her in the rocking chair all day, but now that isn't an option. I'm not really complaining, its just hard to get used to.

I wasn't able to get to Gramps before his dinner break, so I ran home to do a few things before I went back out to take care of his stuff after he ate. When I got home, I was just pissed. It was pouring rain and Smug-Hub (because of being sick this weekend) had not finished cleaning up the garage, so I was facing the prospect of pulling the baby out of the car in the pouring rain and then putting her back in the car 20 minutes later to go to Gramps and then repeating when I finally arrived back home. So I left her in the car and shoved items around in the garage trying to make enough room for the car to fit. I was able to do so, but in the process bashed my shin on a metal box and by the time I got back in the car to pull it into the garage, it was already a huge purple lump and is throbbing constantly.

I had about 15 minutes to kill, so I brought the dry laundry up,  put a new load in the washer, sorting Gramps's pills, collected and took out the trash and recycling and started the upload of the photos to Shutterfly so that I could order from Christmas gifts later.

Then it was back to the car for the ride to see Gramps. He wasn't totally finished with dinner so Smug-Baby and I sat with him and chatted with his dinner companions. Smug-Baby was sweet, but I could tell that she was still not feeling 100% and I felt rushed to get her home and spend some time playing together.

It was after 7 when I finally was finished for the evening and I just sat down and cried for a bit. My leg was hurting, I was tired and hungry with no food ready to eat (I ended up with a few saltines and a 7-up), my sweet daughter's cup was empty and she needed love and hugs and some quality time.

Then it happened. I turned on the TV and Rudolph was just starting. I was filled with the joy of Christmas and I realized that this would be Smug-Baby's first exposure to this holiday classic, so I sat down on the floor and held her and we watched Yukon Cornelius look for gold and I sang along to all the songs and hugged my girl close. After it was over, we got ready for and into bed and she quickly fell asleep.

I am still feeling overwhelmed and slightly depressed, but I think that it is just a domino effect from the stress of the Thanksgiving trip, followed by not feeling well and Smug-Hub being really sick and then working 12 hour shifts this week, followed by my house a mess and no clean clothes and no food in the house, and the rain and my bashed shin. I need some good deep rest and a few days to get my home in order and rest and did I mention some rest??

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Believe in your dreams
Come what may.

There's always tomorrow,
With so much to do,
And so little time in a day.

We all pretend
The rainbow has an end
And you'll be there my friend someday.

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Tomorrow is not far away.