Monday, January 31, 2011

Weekend Recap

We had a really lovely weekend! It began with my dad and step-mom stopped by to see if they could witness Smug-Baby walking and ended up staying for dinner. It was nice to just hang out and relax and play with the baby.

I woke up about 3:15 and was frustrated that I was awake (nursing) and only had 45 minutes to sleep before I had to get up for work. Then, when I remembered it was Saturday, I was so excited about the prospect of sleeping in, that I couldn't get back to sleep. So, I got up and by 6am had cleaned my whole house with the exception of the vacuuming because I didn't want to wake my family.

Then I went to the Weight Watchers meeting. It was frustrating because I lost 13 pounds on my own and decided that I needed/wanted to really jump start my weight loss and get some real numbers going and since I have been following Weight Watchers, I have done nothing but gain. I was up 2 pounds this week. It also doesn't make sense because my clothes are fitting looser and I had to tighten my belt another notch and people are telling me that I seem to have lost weight, so I don't get it.

Anyway, after the meeting, I went home because Smug-Hub had to go into work for a while. I put Smug-Baby in the back pack and vacuumed the house, emptied the dishwasher and folded some laundry. I then took a shower and we had some breakfast before we headed out to see Gramps.

After leaving his place, we went to my nephew's basketball game and it was lovely to watch him and play pass the babies between Smug-Baby and Smug-Niece. Smug-Baby has decided that whatever Smug-Niece has, that is what she wants. If it is a toy, Smug-Baby wants that toy. If Smug-Niece drops the toy, Smug-Baby no longer has any interest in that toy. It is funny to watch, but can get really frustrating!!

After the game, I was starving, so Smug-Baby and I went to the Indian restaurant for a Mother/Daughter meal. Smug-Baby was the hit of the restaurant, even letting the hostess hold her for a few moments. She tried bites of everything that I ate and seemed to really like it, even though it was spicy. When we finished, she fell asleep in the car.

When we got home, I laid her down and made a grocery list and folded more laundry until Smug-Hub got home and it was time for me to leave for my massage.

OMG!! It was amazing and I felt like a limp noodle after! My brother-in-law got me the gift certificate for Christmas and I enjoyed every second of being pampered!!

I went to take care of Gramps and then headed over to meet Smug-Hub and Smug-Baby and my dad's place. They invited us to come back for dinner, so we headed off to visit to the new Wal-Mart (it sounds so redneck to say that we spent our Saturday evening hanging at Wal-Mart, but its new and really huge, and we needed ice!!)

Dinner was nice and then we all went home and crashed into bed. 3am had started to catch up to me by 9:30 that night!!

Sunday we meant to go to mass, but we were having so much fun playing in bed with the baby that time got away from us. We made a big breakfast instead and spent most of the day hanging out and playing.

We did go back to the new Wal-Mart to do the grocery shopping and I was disappointed to find that, while this store is one of the 4 largest in the state, the selection of alternative items, like tofu, veggie hot dogs and such was still very slim. Less even, than another local Wal-Mart near work, so that was frustrating.

We ran into Smug-Sister and after we all completed our shopping she came by our house to hang out. We never get to hang out and talk anymore. I know that I am over at her place all the time, but she is working and I am baby wrangling, so its not the same. Smug-Baby napped through the whole visit.

My nephew and I got playing around and he punched me and I blocked it with my thumb. Now my thumb is all jammed and swollen and red. You never realize how much you use your thumb until it hurts!!

I went back out to take care of Gramps and pick up a few things from Kroger that Wal-Mart didn't have and came home to make dinner and get everyone ready for bed. Now, Smug-Baby is playing and her daddy and I are waiting for that little eye rub thing that will tell us she is ready for sleep!! It was a lovely, family filled, love filled weekend!!

Friday, January 28, 2011


So, she is like totally walking now! More than just falling with style, she is actually balancing and taking steps. She can turn and go in another direction if she chooses and she can pivot in a circle. More times than not when she is doing any of this is results in falling forward or backward onto her butt, but she is getting the hang of it!!

I remember that my nephew took his first steps on his one year birthday and since he is totally gifted, I figure that Smug-Baby walking this early, means that she is totally gifted too :) I mean it, my nephew is really brilliant! He has this sharp little mind and can work things out so fast it will make your head spin. He is a really talented artist who works up these little story lines for his drawings that are so cool! He is funny and sweet and loving and helpful and polite and totally wonderful and massively gifted!! So, I would be beyond stoked if my little Smug-Baby took after him!!

She hasn't been sleeping well for a while, and I am at a loss for what to do about it. Last night, she was up until after 11 and since I have to get up for work at 4:30, I was quite (understandably I think) frustrated and she just wanted to play. It wasn't like she was even tired, until she was and then she fell right to sleep. However, about 3 she cried and I switched sides, then she spent the next hour and half pinching me in her sleep, which means that she wasn't in a deep sleep. Since I am working from home today, I decided to sleep in a for a bit, but ultimately got up by 5:30 to go get started on my work and didn't get back into a restful sleep.

I am sitting here now, Smug-Baby asleep in the bedroom, listening to the printer hum as my big quarterly project prints. I will be taking it to be bound and shipped as soon as the printing is complete. I already baked a batch of cookies for my photography class group (its the last night of this particular class) and taken a shower. I have been doing all this between loading paper into the printer and sorting the pages. I love working from home!! This is much more convenient for me - however, getting all my stuff back to the office tomorrow morning is going to be a pain!!

After making sure that everything is shipped and away and finished, I will go see Gramps and then, if possible, I would like to go to the wake of a women who worked for my company. She and her sister were always here together and from what I understand they have always been insepreable. They have both been very sweet to Smug-Hub and I when we were dating and they got us a lovely wedding gift (China cake plate), and made a blanket for Smug-Baby when she came along. Smug-Hub and I both have a special place in our hearts for these ladies and I want to pay my respects and introduce Smug-Baby to their family. I know that Bee will be lost for a while without her little sister. It is very sad.

OK, to end this post on a happy note, I was typing away and I heard a noise from the bedroom. I got up to see if Smug-Baby was awake. It took a moment for my brain to figure out what my eyes were seeing. Instead of lieing on the bed, waiting for my to come get her, Smug-Baby had pulled herself up to her knees and was sitting at the edge of the bed, arms resting on the little gate thing we have to keep her in the bed, and was just smiling at me, waiting for me to come and kiss her!!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Red Rocked... Sort Of

When I saw the previews for Red and saw that it contained some of my favorite actors I was really excited to see it. However, I chose not to leave Smug-Baby so that I could see it in theater and have been anxiously awaiting its arriving from Netflix and tonight IT ARRIVED!!

I made dinner of Penne and sauce with some Boca burger crumbled into into it and some Italian diced tomatoes tossed in for good measure. I also made some garlic bread and salad. It was really nice and really fast since I worked until after 6.

Then we put the movie in!!!

Besides for the sound issues that seem to be exclusive to my TV, the movie was pretty good. John Malkovich is simply brilliant! His facial expressions alone make this movie wonderful! The connections between all the characters feel like they have been friends for years, who knows, maybe they have!!

It could have been that I was playing with a baby while trying to watch, but it felt like I was missing things and I'm still not sure who was the main bad guy, but it was a fun movie to watch and I laughed quite a few times!

I think that it could have been better, but overall I really enjoyed the action, the effects, and the buddy feel of the movie! I think that this one may be one that I will purchase!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I am working on my quarterly project (the one that comes around every three months) and I am stressed out about it. I am trying to walk this delicate balance between being a good mother and a good employee. I try to work from home, so I can still be there for Smug-Baby, however, she knows that I am not really "with" her when I am on the phone or the computer and she spends most of the day in tears. How is that being a good mother? When she is crying in the background while I am trying to conduct business, how is that being a good employee?

I don't know what to do about the stress level in my life. We can't make ends meet without the extra money that all my jobs bring in. Period. We need this and more to live and unless we win the lotto or our tax return is unrealistically huge, that isn't going to change anytime soon. That being said, I loved it when I was just working 6-10 and then I was home. My house was clean, I was making healthy meals, and most of all my baby was happy all the time. She isn't happy all the time now.

I just loved having most of my day to play with her. I was able to attend mothering meeting groups and get all kinds of stuff done during the week so that our weekends were spent as a family. I am jealous of a friend who has her baby doing swimming and music and other fun things that I don't have the option of doing right now.

Maybe it is just the stress of this week talking, but I have got to find a better balance. I know that the week of this project every quarter is going to be really stressful and I enlist Smug-Sister and Smug-Grandma to help keep my daughter entertained and happy while I work, but this is the first one that I have tried to do while working my other two jobs and I am doing a lot of sweating!!

I really shouldn't complain and in 48 hours it will all be over and back to normal (whatever that is), but I am feeling a lot of stress about tomorrow and they are calling for 2-6 inches of snow between tonight and tomorrow and I just want everything to go smoothly and Smug-Baby to be happy and everything to get done.

Here is the other thing, in a matter of a few months, Smug-Niece will be nursing less and I will be able to take both girls to my house for a couple of hours to get things done. I will be able to take them both to a mommy group or to music classes or any number of other things. Once the weather warms up a bit, I will be able to take them on walks. It's just going to take a few more months of the hard stuff before they are able to play more on their own and I will have an easy job, just watching to make sure they don't pull each others hair... at least that is what I am telling myself and if you don't agree - don't tell me!!!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Baby Steps

Today, January 24, 2011, is a red letter day! Today is a day that will go down in our family history as special! Today is a day that will live in our memories for years to come!!! Today, my daughter took her first steps!!

Daddy and I sat on the floor facing each other, our leg spread in a "V" pattern, feet touching. We took turns walking her toward the other, I would face you toward daddy and get her little body steady, I would hold her under her arms as she took a few steps toward him. Then I would let go and she would talk 3-4 more little steps before falling into his arms!! Then we would repeat the process with her walking to me.

We would hoot and clap when she was finally scooped into one of our arms and she would giggle and clap in excitement.

I can't explain how amazing I feel about this. And not just that it was something that happened together as a family, I would have hated if she had taken these steps without daddy or I present. It would have been fun if Smug-Grandma had been there, but to have it happen spontaneously when it was just us three, was really special. I am also amazed by how fast she is growing and changing and developing. She isn't even a year old yet and she is almost walking on her own! I feel like its going to be a matter of days and she will be free-styling! She is so smart that we can no longer take a toy away and distract her with another. If we hide the remote, she knows it and won't give up until she has found it.

She loves things that baffle me - like the opening theme music to General Hospital, or the music on the iPad commercial. She really stops and pays attention when Elmo is on TV!! Man oh Man - she is super smart!!

I love my girl so much and today was a very special day!! Now, it's time to put this worn out baby girl to bed!!

Monday, January 24, 2011


We had a lovely weekend that involved having brunch with a friend, checking into SUV's, getting back to mass (which we have only gone to a handful of times since Smug-Baby was born), and a good, healthy dose of family play time.

I pulled out my camera and played with some of the settings and located the B&W setting! So, I took a bunch and I just love the look of black and white. I think that we live in color, so black and white is something new and different.

I need to learn more about cutting down on the shadows and am excited about the upcoming photography classes that I am going to take. I am not loving the instructor, but he is the only one teaching around here so he is what I have to work with. I have friends who are professional photographers, but I don't want to ask them for help. I don't want them to think that I am taking advantage of them, I will learn what I can from this guy, the Internet and from books!

 Playing with Daddy

 What's all this now??

Here Daddy try some!

I love this Daddy of mine!

Daddy and a delicious block, what more could a girl ask for!

Hiding the block from Daddy

Kisses for Mommy

Tuckered out from all that play!!

All in all, it was a lovely, relaxing weekend with my family. I have everything that I ever wanted in my life and I hope to never, ever forget that!!

Friday, January 21, 2011

11 Months

Only 4 more super short weeks until the one year mark. I have been thinking a lot about what I was doing one year ago. I remember thinking that I was sure she was going to come early and I should make sure to have everything 100% ready and done before the end of the month. I was sure she was going to come the last weekend in January because of the full moon.

Smug-Baby has started giving kisses this month. They are open mouth, tongue out kisses, but kisses all the same!

She has been sick so much of this last month that she has almost stopped walking altogether. She isn't feeling great, so she wants to be held and carried as much as possible.

This bout of illness has brought our family to it's knees. First Smug-Hub was sick, then I got sick, then I got sick again, then both Smug-Baby and I got sick and about the time I thought she was feeling better, the ear infection hit and we are still dealing with that. I think she is teething again too, so she mostly feels like shit!

Tooth number 6 has broken through officially and I feel there will be more to come!

She is getting more interested in food and likes to put in her mouth whatever we may be eating. I have given her pieces of fruit and vegetable to play with and chew on, most of which ends up on the floor. She will also try anything from my spoon or fork - however, there can be any real food there, she likes the taste of the sauce or soup, but not any real substance yet. If she gets a glob of something she shudders and works to get it out of her mouth and then will push the spoon or folk away.

She even tried Kombucha with a little Emergin-C yesterday. It is sparkly so she was intreged by the bubbles and even though she kept whipping her head away, she would come right back for more. It was cute!

She is understanding more words. If you say "where is daddy?" she will move her eyes around the room until she finds him and then look back at you and grin. She understands when I sing the cookie monster song from one of her toys that it is from that toy and will look around to try to spot it. She will find your nose easily now.

She is the light of my life and I love her so much. I am looking very forward to her feeling right as rain and no longer pulling on her ear or chewing on her hands. I want her to be happy all the time - is that so wrong?? :)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'm Awake

Well, it is after 3 am and she is showing no signs of slowing down. She is playing and rolling on the floor and giggling and hitting the cookie monster button on that toy over and over and over and over...

It started like any other night, she didn't want to sleep as early as mommy wanted to sleep, but she was in dreamland by 10:30. About 11:30, she started getting restless. She was kicking the covers off, whimpering a bit, nursing the whole while and pinching tiny pieces of my skin. Needless to say, I wasn't sleeping - she was still asleep, but not me.

By 1 she decided she had done enough sleeping and began to roll all around the bed and would giggle when daddy or I would try to grab her. Daddy took her into the living room, so that I could try to sleep. He brought her back at 2, so I got about an hour of sleep before it was my turn.

We have been playing since 2 and I'm not sure that if she doesn't fall asleep soon it will matter, because I will be sleeping and she will just have to play around my passed out body. Of course today is going to be really stressful because it will be the first day of trying to juggle Smug-Baby, Smug-Niece AND a project for work that I am working on at home. I was able to juggle yesterday because there wasn't a huge pile of work, but today will be different. Do you think that is why my little angel isn't sleeping? Is she picking up on mommy stress? I didn't feel stressed about it until now, because I sort of assumed that I would have had some sleep before the attempt :(

Oh well...

UPDATE: She did go back to sleep about 4am and I was able to get another 30 minutes before the alarm went off. I hope I don't fall asleep while driving into work this morning. Grant me the strength to get through today!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Ways to Workout

How do you workout with a baby crawling all over you? This afternoon, I attempted to do some sit-ups and butt presses, but it was harder than one would expect. Smug-Baby crawled over and climbed onto my chest and stomach area, making crunches pretty much impossible. I would set her on the floor with a toy and get about 3 reps in before she was back. I did manage to get about 30 crunches done before she refused to be set aside any longer.

Then I moved to all fours and began to slowly extend my leg back and up for a butt press, then bring the knee back down and repeat. Smug-Baby was crawling all around me and at one point pulled up and used my flat back as a table which she smacked with the pointy end of a chip clip until I moved and picked her up for a squeeze. Then when I went back to my butt presses, I kicked my leg back and grazed her face with my bare foot. Not enough to hurt her but enough for me to stop butt presses for the day!

So, how does one get a workout in while there is a baby around? You read about it all the time, finding "you" time and have your husband watch the baby for an hour so you can go to the gym or walk outside or workout while the baby naps. All this is good advice and good ideas, however, it doesn't work more times than it does.

Here is my situation: I am a gym person. I like the gym. I like working out on the machines and with free weights. I like to put on my iPod and work the elliptical or treadmill. When I am at home, too many other things need to get done and working out to a video or on my own always (and I mean ALWAYS) gets pushed to the back of the list. So, I need motivation, like the gym or a workout buddy, to get me moving.

I had been walking with Smug-Grandma either outside or at the mall, but since we have all been sick that has fallen by the wayside. I am sure that we will pick it back up once everything settles down a bit. However, that is not enough. I had been taking a bike ride at least twice a week, once with Smug-Grandma and once with my Dad all throughout the spring and summer, but with the weather turning so cold, that too is not really doable anymore. I had been hiking the star trail with my husband some too, but again the weather and our schedules that doesn't happen anymore either. It seemed like when the weather was nice it was easy to get outside and do something physical, but its winter and its cold and yucky!

Smug-Hub and I talked about joining the $10 gym that is near our house. It is actually open 24 hours a day throughout the week, opening like at 5am on Monday and not closing until 9pm on Friday and then is open like 7-7 on Saturday and Sunday. At $10 a month it wouldn't be a huge investment given the limited time that we have to go, however, we haven't been able to come up with a schedule of ANY available time to go!

We could trade off watching Smug-Baby on the weekends. I could go workout and then to my WW meeting on Saturday mornings and then come home and he could go workout like right before lunch or something. So that would be one day a week. He could go to the gym on the way home from work, but since he doesn't leave work until 7 or later, that puts him not getting home to have dinner with us or help get the baby ready for bed. That being said, maybe one day a week that wouldn't be so bad. I could also go to the gym before work, but that would mean getting up like at 3am to get in a workout and still get to work on time. Again, maybe one day a week wouldn't be so bad. So that would be two workouts a week. I guess that is more than we are getting now, but is it worth it??

In thinking just about myself, if I walked with Smug-Grandma one day a week and went to the gym before work one day a week and once on the weekend, that would be three workouts a week and if I attempted to do some crunches at home each day, that might actually be enough for now. Once the weather starts to get a bit nicer, I will be back out on my bike so that will be another workout a week. What do you think - is two days a week worth $10 a month?? What would do you do to motivate yourself to get some exercise? What works for you?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

iPhone Pictures

They are grainy and strange, but they tell a funny story so here are my iPhone pictures from yesterday!

 What is on my head??

I got it!! Now, what is it?

 Dad, what is this?

Oh, its a hat and I'll wear it while I eat a watch for dinner!

Nope, still don't care for it!

Why won't this thing come off??

Almost got it!!

Finally! Freedom!!

I love watching daddy and baby play. He put her tights on her head and they made a game of pulling them off and putting them back on. She was happy and giggled and was hardly sick at all. It made my heart light!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Wild and Woolly Weekend

My poor daughter has been having a totally rough time! My plan Friday was to keep her off as much of the medication as possible depending on how she was feeling. Well, she was feeling like shit and just lay on my chest moaning. When I was finally able to get some of the baby Tylenol down her, she perked up within 10 minutes. She was like a new baby! She was interacting with Smug-Grandma and Smug-Sister and while she wasn't feeling great, she was tons better!! That was it for me. I kept her dosed up on Tylenol the rest of the day and all day Saturday. I could not justify letting her feel horrible when relief was possible.

Saturday I also started the antibiotics as well as putting alcohol and breast milk in her ears as the one that had ruptured was starting to leak puss. At first I thought that it was just breast milk leaking out, but it is thick and gummy. Saturday afternoon she fell asleep in my arms and I just held her while she slept for a couple of hours and when she woke up, it had been about 6 hours since her last dose of Tylenol and I was worried because if we gave her some then, we wouldn't be able to give her more at bedtime, so I decided to try to hold off.

She did great! She didn't act like she needed it much and played and seemed to be doing OK. We got her antibiotic down with little fuss (thanks to JR for the wonderful tip on using the eye dropper instead of the syringe!!!) and then got her all ready for bed and winding down before giving more Tylenol. She ended up staying awake until about 11, but then she slept and slept and slept!! She didn't wake until 9:30 this morning!!

We did not give her any Tylenol all day! She was like her old self! She played and giggled and nursed and napped all like normal! We are currently watching football and she is playing on her own with her toys. We didn't do much with the weekend besides care for her every need, but I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just seeing her perk up and act more normal! I feel like running through the rain or singing or hugging random people on the street! I am so full of happy now that she is feeling better!

I hope that the trend continues that she gets rid of all of this for once and for all! I'm not working for Smug-Sister tomorrow so I hope that I will be able to spend the day working on getting the house in order and the laundry finished, but mostly I just want to play with my healthy (almost) Smug-Baby!!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Changing It Up

Today I reached the end of my rope. Last night, Smug-Baby fell asleep like normal at about 9pm, then woke up screaming at 9:30. Smug-Hub and I took turns but the poor girl would nurse and cry and fall fitfully asleep for about 20-30 minutes before waking up screaming again.

At first I thought it was the fact that I had allowed myself some dairy both Tuesday and Wednesday and how it was coming back and hurting my girl. Then Smug-Hub suggested that she may be having a bad teething spell, so we rubbed some teething gel on her gums but it didn't seem to help. Long story short, she didn't settle down and allow me to sleep until 3:45 and I got up at 4:30 for work.

When I got her after work this morning, she was pulling on her ear and looked horrible and felt feverish to me. I called Smug-Grandma who guessed that she had an ear infection and I made arrangements to get some Mullen Flower Oil from her that is supposed to help relieve the pain of an ear infection. That didn't help at all and Smug-Baby just sat in my lap and cried and moaned all day.

Finally, I had reached the end of my rope and I called the doctor. I know that my lack of sleep and the fact that I am STILL not feeling 100% - that's right more than 6 weeks now of being more sick than not - I asked them to work us in and off we went.

The doctor told me that she didn't have any pneumonia symptoms, so I was right to not give her the antibiotic prescribed by the other doctor and it was just bad luck that she had developed an ear infection. He said that a lot of times babies will get ear infections after a head cold as all but cleared up because of the way the ear tube lay. He looked at her ears and said that the left one was very inflamed and red. He told me that the right ear had ruptured and he wanted to treat her with an antibiotic and some drops to help numb the pain in her ear along with some baby Tylenol to allow her to feel better and be better able to sleep.

He also said that I had a sinus infection, which I had really guessed was the case, and I was to take an antibiotic for the infection and steroids and Mucinex-D to break up the congestion. I filled all the prescriptions and went home. I want to do some research on the use of antibiotics for the ruptured ear drum and make sure that it is really necessary before I try to put her through the trauma of taking the meds and all the side-effects that come with it, but I put some of the numbing drops in her ear and it was like a switch flipped and she was just like her normal self! She was laughing and playing and it was wonderful! So much so, that I went ahead and left her with my step-mom and went to my photography class.

After I got home, Smug-Hub said that she had actually had a rough time in my absence so I won't be leaving her again when she is sick to be sure! I really feel guilty about it :(

But she was fine when I got home and we did more drops and attempted the Tylenol which she threw up about 0.002 seconds after we got it down her. So we decided that we needed to get her in the hot shower to clean her up and while there we got another dose down her and she kept it down. After getting out of the shower and dried and dressed, she was calm and happy and playing and is still playing and it is almost 11!!

Daddy and Mommy are beat, but she is happy and while she keeps nursing and seeming like she is sleepy, then she pops down to play some more. I hope she sleeps soon, but overall I am just happy she is no longer in pain.

I am all for letting the body heal itself and I know a fever is a good thing and all that crap, but my baby was hurting and I couldn't let that continue knowing I could do something about her pain. I hope that I am doing the right thing!

UPDATE: She finally fell asleep for good about 11 and slept solid (not even waking to nurse). I am leaving for work now and she is still sleeping. This means that Smug-Hub and I got some solid sleep too :) Why the heck then do I feel so tired??!??!?

Thursday, January 13, 2011


When someone you love is or may be depressed what should you do? Do you call them constantly just to let them know that you care? Do you leave them alone to work through things in their own time? Do you something of a combination? Let them work through things, but call or text occasionally to let them know that you are still thinking of them? Should you confront someone you think may be depressed? What if you are wrong and they are fine, just don't really want to be your friend anymore?

What about when you are feeling depressed yourself? Do you reach out to your friends and family? Do you sit back and wait for them to come to you? Does that even enter into your thinking when depressed?

I am not and have never been depressed as far as the clinical term means, but I have had moments when I felt like I might be drowning and wondering how I was going to get through all of it. I know that I have needed to rely on my husband, friends and family to help me focus on the good that my life offers and not be dragged down by the negative and normally, I stay depressed or down for a few hours or a day and then I look at my daughter's smile and everything is right with the world again.

I have friends that I know have been depressed and I never know how to handle things. I want them to know that I love them and will be there if and when they need anything from me, but I don't want to pester and bug them. I don't want my need to be their friend and be there for them to become another source of unhappiness for them.

What brings on depression? Some major life event? A slow realization that your life is not making you happy? Is there anything that a friend can do? I want very much to be a good friend to those I love and I am lost on how much is enough and how much is too much when depression may be a factor. Any advice for me?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I like order. I like things to have a home and be in that home when not otherwise in use. I like routine and I get very uncomfortable when my routine isn't happening. I like things to be done in the "correct" order and way for optimal effect.

For example, when cleaning the house - you start by straightening up everything and getting all the clutter put away, cleaning the dishes and getting all the laundry downstairs, sorted and a load into the washer. Then you clean the bathroom, starting with the toilet, then the tub, then the mirror and finally the sink counter. Then you sweep and steam mop the floor. Then you move to the kitchen and sweep and steam mop that floor. Then you sweep and steam mop the foyer floor. The reason for this is so that you can completely finish with the steam mop and get it put away. Then you move all the chairs and recycling containers to the newly cleaned kitchen floor, wiping everything down as you go, to clear the carpet for vacuuming. Then you dust everything in each room and get any items off the floor so you can vacuum (like trash cans, the diaper pail, clothes baskets, etc.). Now you are ready to vacuum (ending with the stairs so that the vacuum is already to be put away when you finish) and put everything back where it belongs. Lastly take out the trash and you are finished!

If you were to come into my house and vacuum before the bathroom has been cleaned, I would have to vacuum again once you left and I was able to do it "right." If you were to do everything in the correct order, but not have the dishes and the kitchen counters cleaned first, it is would drive me crazy (because in cleaning the kitchen, it is likely that crumbs will drop onto the floor and if you have already cleaned the floor...) I know that my little OCD can make it hard to live with me.

Smug-Hub is a very laid back person. Things will get done in their own time and there really isn't anything that can't wait a bit. His "in a minute" means 30-45 minutes at least and he takes longer than I do to do everything.

This difference in us has always been kind of a good thing. I have always said that I get him to work on time and he keeps me from getting ulcers and when it was just us two, it wasn't much of an issue. However, since Smug-Baby came along, our differences in this area have become more pronounced. When the baby is crying and he says "in a minute" I know that he will be longer than a minute and I can't let her cry, so I grab her, which in turn makes him feel like I don't think he is capable of comforting her.

Also, babies play with stuff, get into stuff and seem to love pulling out something that you just put away. So, I am not able to keep things in their homes most of the time. The baby toys don't really bother me, but everything else does to a larger extent. If the dishes are dirty in the sink, I am upset about it. If the baby monitor isn't in use and is still sitting on the table, I get upset. Everything takes longer when you have a baby, so to me, this means that we have to be even more efficient, even more diligent when it comes to keeping up on the "to do's"! Smug-Hub feels like this means we should be even more relaxed - why put something away when you are just going to have to pull it out again tomorrow?!?!?

Anyway, I guess it’s all a work in progress and we will have to find a way to balance each other once again. After all, I may have a little OCD, but I'm not totally crazy, like needing to have all the spoons in the dishwasher all facing the same way :)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Good Day

Today has been a good day! Since I busted my butt and got all the house cleaning done, laundry folded, and grocery shopping completed over the weekend, I had very little to get done once I got home from work. But the good day started earlier than that!

Baby girl slept all night! From about 8:45 until I left for work this morning at 5am. I'm not sure when she really woke for the day, but I know that I woke her at 3 when I moved her to my other side as I was feeling very full and needed her to nurse. She did, for about 2.4 seconds and then fell right back to sleep - oh well!

I was productive at work and knocked out several projects that I had been working on and made it through the pills and such with Gramps in record time. Once I got to Smug-Sister's place, I was able to nurse a good while before Smug-Niece needed some attention and both babies were pretty happy most of the day. They both decided it was nap time about the same time and that was a challenge, but Smug-Sister was able to get her baby down while I took care of mine.

When my nephew got home from school, Smug-Baby was instantly in love! She followed him around and tried to play with all his homework papers and pencil, much to his annoyance! I left about 4:30 and went to Smug-Grandma's to get a few things that she needed to give to Gramps. She is really, really sick with this head cold/flu that everyone has. I feel so guilty that I asked her to come over and bring me stuff when I was so sick, I worry that Smug-Baby and I gave her this and believe me, it's horrible!!!

After my evening visit with Gramps, I headed home stopping only to return a library book and to get the mail. Then I folded the sheets and started a load of diapers. I straightened up the house just a touch - Smug-Hub had left it fairly perfect!

Then I made some spaghetti sauce for him using ground beef, carrots, onions, celery, garlic and a jar of Ragu. I used another jar of Ragu and some veggie crumbles to make sauce for me and started the pasta water about the time I knew Smug-Hub would be getting home from work. I made Raspberry ice tea and garlic bread. As soon as everything was ready, I ate. He wasn't home yet, but it was getting to be about 8pm and Smug-Baby wasn't going to last much longer.

I got myself and her all ready for bed and now I am sitting here watching her play and hoping to eek out a few more moments before she falls asleep - it's only 8:15!! Smug-Hub is still not home and not answering his phone or texts. The weather is supposed to get dicey, but I didn't think that it would be until later. I hope everything is OK!

Overall, it's been a good day. A long, tiring, full day, but good! Its so nice not to have a huge work list waiting for me at the end of the day. I just love having everything clean and straight and things in their homes!

Time to get this fussy girl to bed - good-night all!!

UPDATE: Smug-Hub arrived home about 9pm, not sure what kept him - I was asleep and now he is sleeping. Smug-Baby woke at 1 and was up until about 3. Not sure why!!! The roads appear to be fine, so off to work I go!!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Weight Watchers

In a moment of despair I joined the Weight Watchers group here at work. I will not be able to attend any of the work meetings as they all take place after I am gone for the day, so I will have to attend another meeting weekly somewhere else. My thinking was that even though I wouldn't be able to attend the meetings, we could all help motivate and support each other.

Here is the problem, Weight Watchers seems to be designed for people who are totally uneducated about nutrition and don't care to do any of their own cooking. The points are listed in a detailed book of foods. Another book included in the kit, is about an inch thick detailing the point values for various restaurants. The thing is, you need to know the exact protein, fat, carbs and fiber for each food that you consume. This makes is hard to cook at home because you can't realistically calculate the points for each ingredient in a recipe, unless you are pretty much not doing anything else with your day. So, WW makes it easier by selling you frozen meals, prepacked smoothies, and boxes of cookies, crackers and snack bars.

I don't wish to eat that crap! I want to eat whole foods, fresh foods, less chemicals not more!! I want to cut dairy, I don't eat meat, and I am nursing!! They claim that they can provide me help with all those areas, but the representative/leader that has been coming here to run our program has not been able to come up with the paperwork I need to even go to another meeting, let alone answer any of my questions, so I don't really know if it is going to work for me at all!

I am feeling disappointed. I wanted something that would help me stay on track, but lets face it Kefer is not in their little book of foods! Soy latte is not listed on their Starbucks menu! Also, their nutritional information seems a bit messed up - their little chemical filled ice cream bars are 2 points, but fresh sweet potatoes are 4 points.

So, you may be successful on this program if you don't have any a basic understanding of nutrition, because they do talk a lot about getting enough fresh fruit and veggies and portion control, but I think that I am beyond that in my knowledge and I know that eating crap and losing weight is not a win in the end. For me it is about health and when you are healthy (ie: eating the right kinds of foods and getting exercise in your life), the weight will fall off naturally. My problem is that I am not motivated strongly enough to workout and to say no to those foods that are bad for me.

I am going to try to track my points as much as is possible. I am going to try to think more about exercise and try to do something each day. I am going to try to lean on my co-workers and support them in return. But overall, I think I just wasted $100 and that makes me sick to stomach - wait! Maybe that's the point of this program? Waste money that you don't really have to waste, and then you get sick about it and don't want to eat anything :)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Photography Class

At first I was concerned because the two other people in the class had point and shoot cameras and I was beginning to think that I had taken the beginner class and was already too advanced. I was starting to think that I was making a mistake, paying for this class and leaving Smug-Baby for a class geared to point and shoot cameras.

Then, 3 people with DSLR's walked in and I felt much better :)

The instructor began by telling us about his education and work experience and a little about what the class would cover. He did say something a little douchy - he said "I am a professional and I know a lot about a lot, so if you have a question, please, don't hesitate to ask because I am going to know the answer"  Challenge accepted!! It is now my mission in life to find a question he can't answer - LOL

Other than that, he did explain Shutter, Aperture and ISO better than I had found it explained online. Shutter is about the time that the shutter is open. How long it takes for the shutter to open and close. This determines the amount of time that the light is being let into the camera. Aperture is about the amount of light that is let into the camera. Picture a circle, a big circle will let in a lot of light and a small circle will let in a little bit of light - that is the aperture, the amount of light that is let in. ISO is what makes the inner sensor sensitive, the higher the ISO the more sensitive the sensor is to the light.

It was cool to learn just that stuff! He also talked about some of the settings of the various cameras and white balance, which I need to spend a little more time on as I am still confused about that.

I was really looking forward to doing something just for myself. Something that was just about me and my hobby and didn't have anything to do with anyone else. However, about half way through the class (its only an hour and a half!) all I could think about was getting home to my baby girl!! I hate being away from her and hate even more being away from her when I don't have to be. For work, I get it, I understand - but for a hobby!?!?!? Since she hasn't been feeling wonderful (even though she is finally starting to seem more normal), I was just worried that she would feel sick and need me and I wouldn't be there for her!

When I returned home, she was fine. She was happy and playing with daddy and super happy to see me! She nursed and nursed and nursed! Smug-Hub admitted that he had let her fall asleep for a while, so I know that we will be having a long night, but at least she is happy and getting healthy and while she was happy that I was home, she wasn't unhappy without me!!

Until next Thursday!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Isn't That Just The Way It Goes...

As you know, I have been sick for about a thousand years now. I have had this head cold for over 2 weeks and the last one was only finished about 3 days before this one hit. I have pick eye and now, I think, I have developed a sinus infection. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I am ready to take an antibiotic and kill this thing!

All this illness and discomfort has resulted in my not caring about how I look. I have left the house and done things that I needed to do with spit up on my shirt, baby poop on my jeans, no makeup (since I don't want to infect my mascara wand with pink eye), the nursing flaps of my bra unhooked and sometimes even pulled down, and a very red, very dry nose.

So, don't you know that I would run into an old crush at the gas pump yesterday! This is someone who I really lusted after for about 20 seconds until I realized that there wasn't any chemistry and he was a total slut! We ended up staying just friends and were actually really good friends until I ended my relationship with a boyfriend who was also this guy's friend. I lost my friend in the breakup. This is actually fine, I was vulnerable at the end of that relationship and if he and I had stayed friends, we probably would have slept together and then I would probably have all the million of STD's that he probably has :)

Anyway, it was nice to see him and we only chatted for a moment, but I was sorry that I was looking about as bad as I could have looked. I hope that he and my ex-boyfriend are no longer friends, because I would hate for it to get back to him that I looked like crap! I was thinking about it and wondering how my ex's are doing. I told myself that I just wanted to know that the people that I had once loved were all still doing well and living well. Then I had to be honest with myself - I don't give a crap how they are doing! I want them to know that I am doing well, and am happy and successful and living well!! I want them to see me and feel badly for the way they treated me and see how what they did to me didn't break me and how I'm better than ever and WAY better off without them!!

Why is that? Why do we care if someone who wasn't worthy of us knows how we are doing? I can't imagine that my ex-boyfriend's sit up at night thinking about how they did me wrong and wishing they could see me to know that I am OK!! I probably never cross their minds - if they didn't care enough about me to treat me well to begin with, why would they spend any time thinking about me at all? Bigger question - why do I care?

I think its a universal thing though - we always tend to run into the boy who broke our hearts when we are hungover or sick or its laundry day and we care about that. Something to think about I guess...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Turning the Corner

Monday evening my poor Smug-Baby was looking really bad. She had dark red circles under her eyes and her skin looked gray. She seemed to be a bit perkier than Sunday, but I couldn't really tell. I asked Smug-Grandma to come take a look at her just to see if I was seeing things or over-reacting and she suggested calling the doctor. I have her cell number, so I called her and she said that Smug-Baby needed to come into the office first thing Tuesday morning and if she started looking any worse in the night, then to take her to the ER.

Tuesday morning she seemed better. She wasn't coughing as painfully and her color looked better to me. However, I wanted to keep the doctor appointment because she had been pulling on her ear a bit and Smug-Grandma suspected thrush in her mouth and on her butt.

When the doctor came in, I explained what I was thinking - how she was seeming better, but I wanted to make sure that she didn't have an ear infection or phenomena and get something for the thrush. Doctor looked in her ears and listened to her chest and back and looked at her butt. She said that it didn't look like thrush to her - this sent me into warning mode, because Smug-Baby has had thrush before and I pretty much know what it looks like AND my nipples have been slightly sore as of late. I chalked it up to the more frequent nursing, but after Smug-Grandma looked at her butt I put it all together. So, I know that she had thrush, which I was sure about and that was what the doctor said she didn't have. Anyway, she said that Smug-Baby's ears were a little pink and she had some rattling in her chest. She told me that if it was just the pink in her ears, her thought would be to let it ride, but combined with the rattle; she wanted to do an antibiotic to try to keep it from turning into phenomena.

Now, she just told me that the pink ears were nothing to be concerned about by saying that if that was the only symptom then she wouldn't have prescribed anything. Also, Smug-Baby had no fever and her weight was normal (20.82 pounds - so no weight loss). She seemed better and hadn't vomited up any phlegm since Monday afternoon. Her color was better and her energy level was greatly improved. I would think that if this head cold was turning into something more serious, she would be feeling worse and not better.

Here is the thing about antibiotics - they kill bacteria. All bacteria, the good stuff as well as the bad stuff and once the good bacteria is killed off, the immune system is lowered further and has to work harder to fight off illnesses. Also, antibiotics are yeast builders, so this little bit of thrush will turn into major thrush. Antibiotics are harsh and will hurt her stomach and may cause acid reflux, diarrhea and major fussiness. These are the things that WILL happen when you give an antibiotic. That doesn't even cover the maybes, like an allergic reaction or building a resistance to antibiotics so that when they are really needed at some point, they won't work as well. Another point to consider is that Smug-Baby wouldn't take the benadryl, she gagged and choked on it and vomited it right back up, so getting any medicine down her may well be impossible. Lastly, an antibiotic won't do anything for her symptoms; it won't dry up the mucus in her nose, throat and chest to allow her to sleep better or anything! All that for a MIGHT prevent??

Smug-Hub and I decided to wait 24 hours - until Wednesday evening before filling the prescription. Just to see if she is still improving or if the rattle gets worse or she starts having issues breathing. We can always have it filled at the 24 hour pharmacy if she gets really bad.

This morning, my alarm went off. Let me say that again, my alarm went off. I was sleeping when it went off. Do you know what this means? It means that I wasn't awake with a screaming baby when it was time to go to work. You know what else? She slept most of the night. She woke up screaming once at 2am, but I didn't even have to get up with her, I switched sides and after about 10 minutes she latched on and fell back to sleep. That means that she slept from 10 to 2 (4 whole glorious hours) and again from 2 to 4 when i had to get up. She is still sleeping as I write this, getting ready to leave the house in a few minutes. I am really pleased with this. This feels like progress! I think that she has finally turned the corner in this illness and is mending now. I think that she will still feel pretty bad for a few more days, and I'm not working the rest of the week for Smug-Sister so I can concentrate on giving her all the love and cuddling she can handle!! I feel so much better knowing that she is getting good sleep.

As soon as she is 100% again, I will focus on getting myself back there as well. I want to get healthy and in shape and eat better and lose weight and all those things that keep a person able to keep up with a sick baby or a baby that is healthy and running all over the house getting into everything!!

Monday, January 3, 2011

2011 - Post 1

This is the first post of 2011! Great! What thought provoking topic shall I tackle? Well, how about I'm sick and I feel like something on a biker dude's shoe!

I hate feeling sick and I feel like I have been sick more than not over the whole of 2010 and certainly all of 2011!! :) I went about 3 years without getting sick before I got pregnant. I used to get horrible upper respiratory infections about twice a year, and then I started taking better care of myself, exercising and eating less dairy. Then I got pregnant and it was like my immune system got low and I got 3 head colds during those 9 months. After Smug-Baby was born, I had a few more head colds, a couple stomach bugs and a few more head colds.

I know that I have spent the majority of 2010 adjusting to new ways of life. From bringing a whole new person into our lives to going back to work, first part time and now full time. I know that I am run down from all the change and stress that comes with a new baby and new responsibilities. My darling husband spent most of the holiday weekend bitching at me for being sick. Well, really he was bitching because I don't take as good a care of myself as I should and thus I am sick and he hates that!

I know that part of what he hates is that I feel terrible and he can't do anything to fix it, but (and keep in mind that I am sick and haven't slept more than an hour at a time in over two weeks) the bigger part of him is pissed that he has to step up. He has to clean up the kitchen, make the meals, run to the store, whatever. I normally try to take care of all the household stuff because he brings in more of the financial than I, so I want our responsibilities to be even, to be fair. However, when I am sick he tells me to rest, just focus on Smug-Baby (which is another thing - you can't really rest much when you have to walk and bounce a crying baby for hours and hours) and let him take care of everything else.

Then the problems start, because he doesn't actually want to take care of everything else. He whines and bitches about the kitchen being a mess when 5 minutes earlier he told me to stop cleaning it and he would do it. He says that he will run the vacuum, but hours and hours pass and the floors remain gross.

The whole house cleaning yesterday is a good example. I really felt strongly that I wanted to get all the Christmas stuff packed up and the whole house cleaned. I wanted to get all the germs and dust wiped away, all the clothes clean and everything in order. I know that women will understand that you do feel physically better when the house is clean. When I clean the house myself (with Smug-Baby in a carrier or napping) it takes me about 2 hours. I figured that with needing to pack up the tree and other Christmas stuff it might take another hour.

It took all freakin' day! I started the first load of laundry at 6:45am and sent the vacuum back to Smug-Grandma at 5pm. Smug-Hub kept saying that I was to rest and he would do______, but then spent 4 hours putting the Christmas tree back in its box. He also managed to bring all the storage boxes upstairs and get the lighted garland from the outside packed up, but I cleaned everything else in the house and packed up every other Christmas item. I cleaned the bathroom and dusted and mopped and vacuumed, I washed dishes and did laundry. The last thing I asked him to do last night was fold the sheets and the last load of laundry. When I got up this morning (12:03am is technically this morning right?) the sheets were still in the basket and the last load was still in the dryer. So, he says that he can take of it, whatever it might be, but he doesn't! He doesn't want me to do it, because then he would feel guilty that his sick, sleep deprived wife did everything, but he doesn't want to do it himself - so he spent the day pissed at me for "not listening to him and resting"

Now, let's go back to the 12:03am thing. Smug-Baby is horribly sick. She has been sick since Tuesday of last week and seems to be just the same and she was - not really any worse, but not any noticeable improvement either. I finally broke down and got some children's benadryl, thinking that it would clear up her nose enough so she could nurse and sleep. The first day, she didn't know what was happening and swallowed most of the liquid and slept most of the day, then we tried to give her more that night so she could find rest and comfort during the night. She got some of it down, screaming all the while and got so upset that she threw up buckets of milk, medicine, and phlegm. I didn't think that I could judge how much medicine came back up, so I didn't feel like I could give her another dose, and just tried to finish up what I left in the spoon.

She slept for about 3 hours that night, which was wonderful, but then she was up and I think because she was laying flat, everything settled and she spent a good hour or more yesterday morning crying and coughing and throwing up phlegm. I decided that I wouldn't try to give her more medicine until night time. Last night, when she saw the bottle of pink liquid, she started to cry, the story is the same, we got some down her and then she threw it up. We tried to give it to her in a sippy cup of water - but she won't take the sippy cup at all. We tried to put some on a spoon with some baby food, but she wouldn't let the spoon near her mouth either. It's like she knew that we were trying to trick her and she kept looking at me with these eyes, I can't explain. Like I betrayed her. She counts on me to take care of her and keep her safe and then I held her down and forced something down her throat. I can't do that again. I don't think that she is getting enough to do any good anyway.

She fell asleep last night after a hot steamy bath and slept almost 2 hours, then she coughed and cried and nursed and fell back asleep. She slept 45 minutes and then was up again. I got up with her and we went to the big chair and she nursed back to sleep and I just stayed there in that upright position which seems to help keep the mucus from choking her until 3:30 and I did doze a bit. I got Smug-Hub up then and asked if he could play with her while I slept the last hour until I had to get ready for work, he lasted 15 minutes before bringing her to me. While I was a bit upset that he couldn't cut it, I know that when I am sick, only my mama will do.

That brings me to work. Let me start by saying that I love my job and I love my company! These people are like family and I love them! I wouldn't have been here, going on 10 full years if I didn't truly love it! That being said, there is a policy that I am against. The policy states that in order to receive pay for a company holiday (like the Friday before New Years day) you must work your scheduled hours the day before and the day after said holiday, unless you have a pre-approved vacation request. I know that this policy was put in place to stop people from calling in sick to extend their holiday time off and thus leaving the company short-handed. I get it! Except for when a person is legitimately sick. Employees are penalized if they stay home and 1, getting better and 2, not infect others. Rather than having the managers and supervisors deal with those employees who are abusing the holiday time off, the policy punishes everyone. The company begs employees to stay home if they are sick, but punishes them if they do.

So, here I am getting ready to leave for work, with a massive head cold and pink eye that I will soon be spreading to my unsuspecting co-workers! Lovely right??

Thats it people - the first post of 2011. What a way to start off a new year, full of complaints and placing blame for all my problems on others! Oh well, tomorrow is another day and maybe, just maybe, I'll finally be feeling better and the post will be all sunshine and rainbows!!