Friday, April 29, 2011


I am sitting here waiting for work to get sent my way and I can hear my child playing with her cousins outside with Smug-Grandma and the sun is shinning and there is a nice breeze and I am inside, with one eye on typing this post and another watching for emails to come into my inbox.
While I love my work and enjoy this quarterly project, it is stressful and more than that it takes me away from what I really want to be doing - hanging with my baby girl!
Last night Smug-Hub mentioned that his mother was thinking about coming to stay with us for a month or so over the summer. My first reaction wasn't rational, because if it was it would have been something like a nod and letting it go. Because there is very little chance that she will have months of vacation time to spend it all here, but that wasn't my reaction. I told him that she was welcome to come along with me and Smug-Baby as we go about our daily life.
He insisted that his mother would stay at our house with Smug-Baby and spend a lot of one-on-one time with her while I did other stuff. Like she can take my car and go do stuff with Smug-Baby while I am watching Smug-Niece. I reacted badly I know. I told him that while I love his mother and would love to have her around, having anyone staying with you for any length of time is hard because is messes up the routine and I waited a long time to have Smug-Baby and I know it is selfish, but I don't want to share her. I am fine to share her while I am still around, but I don't want to be shut out.
Now, I know that 1) he didn't mean it that way and was only really suggesting that I would have time to get a massage or something and 2) his mother would never dream of trying to take Smug-Baby away from my time with her. I think that I reacted badly because I was tired and also because I feel badly about missing my time with her this week and next during this project. I am just a wall away from her right now, but I want to be with her and I hate that Smug-Grandma is getting to push her on the swing and I am stuck working.
I think that if and when his mother comes to stay and for however long she stays it will all be fine and I really do want her to have a relationship with her grandchild! Last time she was here, I didn't stand up and say no when Smug-Hub would leave Smug-Baby at home instead of them all coming to work to meet up with her and while you wouldn't think that was any big deal, it meant 30 more minutes until I could hold her and I hated that! This time I will be sure to express that to my dear husband, so that he fully understands how I feel. I know if may be selfish, but I really don't care!
In other news:
I have been doing push-ups everyday. I have been doing the leg section of Tracy Anderson's DVD daily as well this week. I have been doing a workout video from SparkPeople which are each about 10 minutes everyday. That is actually seeming great and would be making a difference except that I can't seem to get my eating under control!
It started with the whole family Easter gathering and the fact that we are still working on the leftovers. While it has been a lifesaver not to have needed to hit the grocery store this week (because there is currently $0.09 in the checking account) that food is not healthy in the least and I can't remember the last time I ate a piece of fruit or looked sideways at a vegetable! Yes I know that potatoes and corn and sweet potatoes are vegetables, but mashed with eggs and milk and butter kinda cancel out any veggie goodness :)
So, I am probably going to have another gain at WW this weekend, but then I am going to visit my friend in North Carolina and we are planning on taking some walks and eating really good food. We also get paid Friday, so I will make up a grocery list that includes all kinds of veggies and fruit and get myself detoxed from all the Easter candy.
Until then, I will keep doing push-ups and try really hard to drive home past the Hot sign at Krispy Kreme without stopping!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Looking Back

I recently asked Princess Jenn to help me get all my old posts from my SmugMarried blog moved over to this blog, so that everything is in one place. She helped get them moved and changed some of the names so that everyone matches up like they are here. I also went through most of the old posts to see if there was anything that would hurt someone I love and changing or deleting it.

Doing this allowed me to look back over the last few years of my life and read about what I was going through and all my thoughts and feelings. I started blogging as a way to let off steam as I was planning my wedding; then I blogged about searching for our house, trying to get pregnant, losing my first pregnancy, getting pregnant again and now all about Smug-Baby's little life. This is why I started blogging really, to capture a moment in time and be able to look back at it later.

I want to thank Princess Jenn for helping me to get all these thoughts, feelings, and memories into one place and allowing me to be able to keep all these memories in tact.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I have been eating crap since Saturday and I feel horrible. I can't waste these leftovers and they are delicious and all, but they are all full of fat and calories not to mention dairy and my stomach has been hurting and I feel greasy all over!!

When I weighed in on Saturday morning, I was down 2.2! I was so happy to have pushed through the cycle of gaining and losing the same 1.4 over and over, then I went to Easter and I ate just a small portion of each little item that I wanted. I did overdo on the desserts a bit, but over all it wasn't a day to feel to badly about.

Then Sunday, all the leftovers came to my house and I ended up eating and eating and eating until I felt sick. Then as soon as the sick feeling started to dissipate, I would eat come more! I don't know why! I wasn't upset or overly hungry or anything. It was just there!!

I took all the food back to Smug-Sister's this morning, but then that is what we had for lunch. I again took smaller portions and didn't eat until I was sick, but it isn't good, healthy food. I need some kale stat!!

I have been trying to do some exercises each day, like Tracy Anderson's leg moves from her video. I know them by heart, so I don't need the video itself to do them. Along with some push ups and crunches, but again, it is not focused exercise time and no cardio which is what I need to burn off all this excess food!! I am going to take the girls for a long walk Tuesday (weather permitting) and try to get my heart pumping and sweat out all this junk food!

This is going to be a hard week and next week with be a WHOLE lot harder. I have a special project at work that will require a lot of my time and while I can do it from home, I still need to focus on it some and Smug-Baby has a knack for playing on her own until my attention is elsewhere and then she has to have me right then or else!!

Smug-Sister and I have lined up help for both this week and next and I hope that they will get Smug-Baby outside and if she is playing with other kids or the dog, she won't notice that I am attached to the laptop!

I really hope that I am able to turn around the overeating from the weekend and not end up with a gain at the meeting on Saturday!!

On a good note, this coming weekend is finally my trip up to NC to visit my friend and her little boy. I miss them terribly and we have loads of fun stuff planned while I'm there. I am really, really looking forward to spending some quality time with her and not being home, thinking about how I need to clean!!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter Weekend

Every Easter and Thanksgiving my family holds a gathering. Everyone who is able tries to make it and we all eat, laugh, eat, visit, eat and did I mention eat? There is always a concern that we will run out of food and there is always enough leftovers to eat for a few days afterward.

This year, with Smug-Sister just getting moved into her new house, the gathering was held there. I know that she stressed trying to get everything done; unpacked and in order before everyone arrived. There were members of her husband's family, our family and even Smug-Grandma and Gramps came, so there was everyone facet of family there and all the people I love most in the world gathered in one place.

There were a few people missing and I am always sad not to see them, but there is always Thanksgiving!!

Smug-Baby fell in love with her cousins and followed them around and played and explored everything. She ended up falling asleep at 7:15 Saturday night and sleeping until 8:30 Sunday morning!!!

This is a photo of the fruit arrangement that my aunt made. She is actually very talented and makes incredible cakes too!

Cousins are so cute! This little girl followed my handsome nephew around all weekend. They were inseparable!

Smug-Baby loved being part of the big kid group!

My family makes some awfully cure kids!!

This is my cousin's little girl and when she was born, my cousin saved all her baby clothes so almost everything Smug-Baby wore as a baby was worn by this little girl first. I thought it was so sweet that they connected!

Smug-Niece! Too cute for words, even though she was feeling badly - poor baby!

Just gotta love kid toes!

Sharing her eggs with Gramps! There is something lovely about the oldest generation and the youngest playing together that makes my heart dance.

"Look dad!!" Smug-Baby took her daddy all around the yard showing him everything.

I have much love for my family and this was an awesome celebration of love and family and, of course, FOOD!! I am so full I may pop!

Happy Easter everyone~

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Thank You

I don't actually think that my husband reads my blog, but this post is dedicated to him.

Last night, I felt terrible. I actually felt awful all day really, just worn down and frustrated. After getting home from work, Smug-Sister's and the grocery store, I just hit the wall. I was trying to make dinner for us and entertain Smug-Baby and just thought I was going to crash.

I realized that my left breast was feeling lumpy and hard, something that never happens anymore. I nursed and changed positions a few times, but I couldn't get the lumpy area to soften. I knew what this meant, I have had a breast infection before and while painful and totally draining, it passes withing a few hours or a day with proper treatment.

The treatment is a warm compress, gentle pressure, lots and lots of nursing in various positions and tons of rest and water. So I kept enticing Smug-Baby to nurse and Smug-Hub fixed dinner and cleaned everything up. I was feeling too sick to eat anything, so while I laid on the couch with the heating pad and a glass of water and whined.

He played with Smug-Baby on the floor and kept her happy while I zoned out for a while and tried to concentrate on anything but feeling sick. By this time, I was feeling flu like complete with a low fever, headache and blurry vision. He got the baby all bathed and put on her lotion and PJ's, brushed her hair and teeth and entertained her while I struggled through my bedtime routine.

Smug-Baby and I curled up on the couch and she nursed on the plugged side until she fell asleep and then I took her and went to bed. She seemed to know that I needed the nursing, so she was up a lot in the night, changing positions and sides and while it wasn't a particularly restful night, I did feel that little pop of the pressure during the night as the plugged breast released. My breast is still a bit sore this morning, but it isn't hard anymore and I feel slightly better.

I wish that I had the ability to take the day off from all jobs, including the mom thing and sleep, but mostly I am so grateful that my husband stepped up and took over without my having to ask. At no point was there even a question, he saw that I was feeling poorly and just took over and got everything done! I got up early this morning to try to get the house picked up and wash the dishes, but he had done them all!! I know he had a massive headache himself last night, but he took care of everything.

I love you honey! Thank you for being the best husband ever!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Workout Blues

I decided that I wanted to set a goal to lose a certain number of pounds by Thanksgiving. I was thinking that it would be a great time to get to my goal and then ask for new, smaller clothes for Christmas. Well, Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went and while I have been losing and have lost quite a bit over the last year, I didn't reach my goal. I set a new goal in January to be at my goal weight by Easter.

This wasn't really an unrealistic goal; I wanted to lose another 20-25 pounds and had most of 4 months to do it. Well, Easter is this weekend and I am still gaining and losing the same 6 pounds over and over since January!

I think that I have hit a plateau regarding food. I am still not eating cleanly 100% of the time, but it should be enough of the time that I wouldn't gain and I'm not really. Like I said, it’s the same few pounds back and forth. I really feel like I am eating the right kinds of foods most of the time and not eating too much at meal times. I do have days where I can't seem to get enough and days where I eat chips and cookies, but for the most part, I eat really well.

I really think that exercise is going to be the scale tipper in my case. I really believe that you have to work on all three areas of weight loss to see results. You have to eat well, you have to work your muscles, and you have to sweat!! It is the results trifecta!! Any one will give you some benefits, but without all three you will always be missing something.

I have been giving my life a lot of thought, trying to see where and how I can fit in some exercise several days a week.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I want to go for a bike ride at least once a week. Dad and I have been going every Saturday morning for the last 3 summers, so I want to get that started back up again, so that is one day.

Also, now that I have an SUV (more on that later), I want to get a bike rack so I can take myself and Smug-Baby for a bike ride too. Smug-Grandma loves biking too, so we are thinking we will plan to go for a ride one day during the week and take the babies. This is still in the planning stages since we aren't sure how they will do together in the trailer.

Smug-Baby's swimming classes on Saturday mornings will be over in a few weeks, so I am going to look into taking one of the Zumba classes that are being held at various churches in my area. Now, that would probably mean a bike ride and a Zumba class in the same day, but maybe that would be ok. I wish someone would hold a Zumba class on Sunday afternoons!!

I also am going to have my neighbors little girl come over one or two days a week to play with Smug-Baby while I do something around the house. We tried this last week and while they had fun together, Smug-Baby wasn't happy when she couldn't see me, so I think for a the first couple of times, I will stay close and just work on the computer or on some other project that keeps me close until she is more comfortable.

Also, we are going to join the pool at the gym, so Smug-Grandma and I can take the babies (and the boys too) to the pool a lot over the summer. That will be good exercise, playing in the pool with a bunch of kids!! Smug-Hub and I can bring Smug-Baby to the pool on the weekends too and maybe he can play with her while I take a class inside!

That is a lot of opportunities for exercise!! For right now, I am just thinking about how to fit in a little Tracy Anderson for 30 minutes today and maybe again tomorrow! I just want to feel tight and strong and in control!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Me Time

The meeting this weekend at Weight Watchers was all about taking time for yourself. They said that if you don't learn to put yourself first and say "no" sometimes you are hurting yourself and, in the long run, not going to be able to take care of others.

I started jotting down my typical day on my note pad. My thinking was this, I complain about not having enough time for this or that, so maybe if I put it all down on paper I will see where there is an open block of time that I could use for a workout or reading or something else for just me.

Here are the results:

4-4:30am - nurse Smug-Baby
4:30-5:15am - get ready for work. This includes a shower, getting dressed, packing the diaper bag and my food for the day. I also try to do a quick straighten up of the house and make sure all the dishes are at least rinsed out as to not attract ants while I am gone all day.
5:15-6am - drive to work. This also will often include a side trip to the bank to make a deposit, the gas station, Kroger or Wall-mart. It is faster to get these things done in the morning without Smug-Baby in tow since she hates getting into and out of the car seat so much.
6-10am - work
10-10:15am - the bank deposit for work
10:15-10:30am - drive to Smug-Sister's house
10:30am-4:30pm - babysit. This is sometimes downtime of sorts. The babies play, nurse, nap and so on. I often take them for a walk in the double stroller or take them for a drive to get them to fall asleep. While they are sleeping, I can park and doze or read for a bit. That is kinda nice "me" time.
4:30-5pm - drive home or to the nursing home to visit with gramps.
5:30 - home now, go though the mail, straighten up the house (it is amazing how much one daddy and one baby girl can distroy it in the mornings), I try to use this time to play with and focus on Smug-Baby fully. She has been sharing me with her cousin all day, and normally needs some quality time with me, so we play. I sometimes try to do a chore or task in this time and workout if she is playing happily on her own.
6:30-7:30pm - make dinner and clean up the cooking dishes
7:30-8pm, Smug-Hub is home and we all have dinner together
8-8:30pm - bath time for Smug-Baby. I get her playing and then I brush my teeth, wash my face and put on pj's, then I get the bed turned down, phone on the charger and the nightlight turned on. Then I wash my little girl and she plays until she is ready to get out, then we get dried and lotioned up, brush her hair and teeth.
8:30-9pm - Smug-Baby nurses while Smug-Hub and I watch a little TV. Once she is asleep, I take her and crawl into bed. I am usually dragging by now, so we let daddy tuck us in and off to dreamland we go!

After reading my normal day, I thought OK what about weekends. Well, weekends consist of yard work, house cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking ahead some, car maintenance, and everything else that doesn't fit into the week day. So, I started getting frustrated! Where would I find the time for this all important "me time"!?!?!

Then, I looked back over my day. I get to wake up next to the sweetest sleeping baby, I get to have a long, hot, uninterrupted shower every morning. I get to enjoy some tunes on the way to work. I get to work with great people and have nice adult interactions. Then, I get to leave and spend the whole day with my baby girl!! I have designed my whole life to be just exactly the way I want it to be! Yes, I have times when both babies are crying and then I start and they stop to look at me with worried expressions, but all in all I get to live this incredible life that is just what I want it to be!! My whole life is "me time"!!

The whole point of the meeting was that you need to make time for yourself because you are worthy. You are worthy of time to workout, time for food prep, time for the meetings, etc. If you don't think that you are worth it, you will never lose weight. I get that, and I do really want to find time a few days a week for a good workout. However, I love myself and I do feel that I am worthy. That is why I created my perfect life, because I want to be happy, doing exactly what I want to do with my day all the time, every day - and I do! Look back at that schedule, it is full of me doing selfishly everything that I want to do. Go Me Time!!

Monday, April 18, 2011


I have this amazing friend who I met when we hired her and her husband to be the photographers at our wedding. Since then we have become friends. We are Godparents to their son and she is Godmother to Smug-Baby. I asked her to take pictures when I was pregnant and several times over the first year of Smug-Baby's life. We waited until after her one-year birthday photo session to get all the photos on one disk, so this weekend was the first time I had seen these images from back before Smug-Baby was even born.

I am totally blown away by the talent of my amazing friend and her husband!! Enjoy these images of the last year:

Thank you so much to D'Artisti for capturing these amazing memories!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Random Rant and Updates on Life!

Once again I am feeling irritated with people. I am still nursing my over 1 year old daughter and while I have gotten some curious looks when I am nursing in public, no one has ever said anything negative to my face. I have even had several people come up to me and tell me how great it is that I am still nursing and doing it with pride.

However, this is not the case for some of my nursing mother friends. They are getting nasty looks, comments and told to "cover up" by total strangers. What is even worse and about the most horrible thing ever is the family members. People who are supposed to love you and support you and stand up for you are telling you that you are wrong for your choices!! Like their choices are so much better! WTF!!

My family has always been supportive and respectful, and for that I am forever grateful and for that I am always shocked that people have family members who are so rude and disrespectful of choice. I am foaming at the mouth for my friend who is dealing with this right now and I want to drive to where she is and giver her judgmental, non-supportive, undermining, classless family members a piece of my mind!!!! But I won't, I will simply post about it here and hope that any of you reading out there will think about this post before you shoot off at the mouth about how someone else's parenting differs from your own! OK, I'm done with this rant!

I am currently beyond exhausted. I have PMS and a teething baby on my hands and she has been a handful all day! I did manage to get most of my workout done with the help of my neighbor's 11 year old daughter who came over to play with Smug-Baby for a while. It was actually really nice. Smug-Baby didn't like my being out of her sight (mostly due to the teething I think), so I only got about 15 minutes of cardio done, but then I changed the sheets on the bed, uploaded photos to Facebook, paid some bills and straightened up the clutter in the house. That was a great $5 spent!! I think that I will have her back at least one hour a week and work up to more. I would love to get my cardio workout done everyday (this is the only thing that I can't do with Smug-Baby around as she would get kicked) and work on those little nagging projects without having to stop to comfort her or pick up after she has emptied her dresser for example. Regardless, today I am beat. Smug-Hub is due home any minute and I have dinner all cooked and ready to serve and then Smug-Baby and I are going to crash into bed! She is really tired and it has been a struggle to keep her up, but if I let her nap we will all be up all night and I'm not sure I can keep my eyes open another moment!!

I have not heard back from the dealer on my desired new car. I left him a message on his voicemail a few hours ago, but have not gotten a call back. It is probably a sales technique, to make me think that he is 1) working hard on making the deal, 2) that my deal isn't really worth his time, 3) give me time to think about the car more and more and how much I want it, so when he does call with a higher offer, I will be more inclined to take it. Really it is just making me think that I need to find another dealer who actually wants to sell me a car!!

Smug-Hub is much more on board than previously also. I think that he spent some time looking online at cars and prices and  MPG and such and is now more inclined to believe me when I say that this is a really great deal!! So, if the dealer calls me back tonight or tomorrow.... I'm gonna get the Orange one!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm In Love...

I had to walk up my driveway 5 times over the course of last winter and while I am totally capable of walking up the driveway, it is scary to walk up such a steep hill with say, a baby and some grocery bags, along with the diaper bag and my purse. I vowed after that last walk and that scary slip that I would have an SUV before the next snow storm.

I called and got the payoff on my current car, a Jetta BTW, which I have loved and still love, but can't make it up the hill in the snow, and went to the dealership. I chose to go back to where I got the Jetta because they were really nice and seemed honest and so on. Well, my salesman told me that I shouldn't purchase then (it was December) because everyone was buying SUV's and I should wait until the spring when people weren't thinking about snow and the gas prices had started to increase. I thanked him for his advice and left.

I have been watching the gas prices and car prices ever since and yesterday I hit upon the perfect option! It is a Jeep Patriot. It is a 2010 so I can get new car financing which will spread the length of the loan out and get the interest rate low enough to get the payment were I need it to be. It only has 25,000 miles on it. It gets 23 MPG in the city (the Jetta gets 26) and it has 4 wheel drive!! I called the bank again and not only got the new payoff amount on the Jetta, but got pre-approved for the loan amount that I want (which is to say the loan amount that gets me the payment I want).

I headed back to the dealership, hoping and praying that I would actually like the look and feel and drive of this Jeep. I fell instantly, deeply, madly, in love with this car!! It is kind of boxy, like the classic Jeeps were before they got all luxury with rounded edges. It is comfortable inside without feeling too over done and functional without feeling sparse. I was sucked right in to the comfortable seats and roomy feel. I had to have it.

So, I called Smug-Hub and had him meet us a the dealership when he left work. The first thing he said was that it was butt ass ugly... I was offended about the way he was talking about my new love, but I let him drive it and told him all about the great features. I think that he actually liked the feel and the ride and the way it drove, but he doesn't like the body style, which is the thing that I like a lot!

Then he starts asking the salesman about the 4 wheel drive, which is after all the main reason that we are looking at an SUV at all. The salesman tells us that this doesn't have a limited slip deferential so it would just lock up instead of transferring power from the wheel that is slipping to another wheel to get you through the snow and ultimately up the hill.

Well, I was crushed! Here I thought I had found the perfect vehicle and the 4 wheel drive wasn't the right kind of 4 wheel drive!! So, the salesman is going to look and see if there are any Patriot's in the Limited version (those have the right kind of 4 wheel drive) and see what else he may have on the lot as well as check into what they would offer me on the trade and everything to see if we can get to the right price.

I am not giving up, and I want to research this limited slip differential thing more and see how important it really is in the ability to get up the hill before we move on to something else.

The problem is that we have a limited range of movement here. We need to stick with a 2010 or 2010 in order to get the length of the loan and in interest rate that gives us the right payment. If we go with something older, then it has to be a whole lot cheaper to get the payment to come out right and then you also run into the issue of probably more repairs needed on an older model. Also, all the other SUV's that I have looked at get like 13 or 15 MPG which would make the cost of running the car higher. This really was/is the perfect car with everything I am looking for. Now, I just need to convince myself that I will be able to get it up the hill...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I am struggling. I am not officially working for Smug-Sister this week, so I have time at home to play with Smug-Baby and work on my spring cleaning tasks and workout. However, I am not getting much of that done. I have chosen to spend the time that Smug-Baby is napping (which is only seeming to be about an hour) watching TV, reading, or otherwise enjoying "me" time.

I have not gotten any of the spring cleaning tasks done and its Tuesday night all ready! I have managed to workout both Monday and today, which was great! I did the muscle structure workout and the cardio on Monday and today have only managed to do the muscle structure work. I did about 20-25 minutes of the cardio on Monday and then had to stop because Smug-Baby found her way into the (clean, but still) toilet bowl in the downstairs bathroom. That was after she pulled all the movies off the shelves.

I do hope to do better tomorrow, and I have my neighbors oldest daughter coming over to play with Smug-Baby for an hour while I workout on Thursday so that should be ok too. If I can do the cardio during her nap tomorrow, I can get the muscle workout in while she is up. She is funny, she will actually climb on me while I do the moves and you should see me nursing while doing abs!! I am making it work, so that is something I guess.

According to my list, I should be finished with the bedroom, living room and dining room and I haven't started on any of them. Tomorrow and Thursday are supposed to be for the kitchen, but I think that I am just going to rearrange my list a bit and work on some of the smaller rooms the rest of this week and try to tackle these next week instead.

I have been sticking this week to my WW points, using only the activity points that I earned by working out when I go over. I ate a lot of junk over the weekend and made myself sick, so I know that I need to keep up with the workouts and eat better just to feel decent in my life, not even to lose weight, although if I don't lose weight, I will be pissed :)

Anyway, its time to get the bedtime routine underway, wish me luck in actually accomplishing things tomorrow!!

Friday, April 8, 2011


Smug-Baby is learning about disappointment recently. She really, really wants to play with the items inside the kitchen cabinets and drawers and since they have those little latches on them, they only open about 3 inches, enough to get an arm into, but not enough for said arm to pull anything back out with it. She cries bitterly when she can't remove an item for closer examination or when I remove her little arm and take her out of the kitchen.

She will cry and lay down on the floor, or cry and arch her back if I am holding her. I have started just soothing her with my words while patting her back if she is on the floor, and eventually her attention is captured by something else for a while.

I don't want to give in and let her play with things that she shouldn't and I'm not. However, I also don't want her to feel like I don't care that she is upset. So, I have been telling her how I know she is frustrated with me and that I am sorry that she is not allowed to play with the spices in the spice cabinet and how upsetting that can be. I hold her close and kiss her head. I take her to find something else to play with, but I never give in and let her play with something that I previously said she couldn't play with.

Smug-Hub and I differ on these little things. I feel like she is learning right here, right now what she is allowed to do and what she isn't. She is learning how to act in order to get what she wants (and I'm not talking about manipulation as I do know she is still too young to understand that) she is learning that what she does has resulting consequences. Such as she knows that when she makes the word "ice" Smug-Hub and I will give her a small piece of ice to suck on. She knows that when she cries and rubs her head into my chest that I will produce the Binky's and she can nurse.

Smug-Hub doesn't think that she is quite as aware of what is going on around her as I do. He still has a hard time with those words that aren't used in public around her and he will often tell her no just to tell her yes later when she cries about it. I try to intervene, I don't want her to learn that crying or flopping on the floor gets her the result she was after, but he doesn't think it matters much as this stage. I want to smack him when he lets her play with items we (I) have previously said no to. He looks at me and says "Well, she wanted it" He does really think that I am being silly, but mostly (I feel) he wants to be the good guy in her eyes. It's like he is competing with me for her love.

He will often say things to her like "mommy said no, I'm sorry, its mommy's fault". He says it like a joke, but even though she is only 13 months old, she hears his words, his tone and picks up on how we treat each other. He feels like its not a big deal and when she is older he will step up and do the discipline thing, but I don't see that happening and I don't want to compete for our child's love and affection. If asked, he will say that I am being silly and he, of course, isn't doing that, but its how I feel.

Maybe if I flop on the floor and cry he will give me what I want...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Importance of Not Compromising

Sometimes I need some help and I go to Smug-Grandma and ask her for said help, or sometimes I want to do something I ask Smug-Grandma to go with me, or sometimes I want to have a family party and I ask Smug-Grandma to join. In all of these cases a lot of times, Smug-Grandma says no. She says no because whatever I am asking will interfere with her ability to take a class at her gym. I grumble about how working out is more important than her family and generally feel put upon about it.

Here is the thing, Smug-Grandma needs exercises to maintain her ability to function. Her physical needs are such that without constant exercise she will not be able to help me, to go with me, or join in family fun. She knows the importance of exercise in her life and she doesn't (often) skip it to do something else.

I need exercise to maintain my ability to function as well. I feel wonderful after a good workout and I have all this energy that I didn't know I was missing. I am more fun to be around for my daughter as I have the energy to chase her around the living room and cover her in tickling kisses. I feel stronger and sexier when I feel my muscles taut with recent exercise and that makes me feel more attractive to my husband (he would say that he always finds me attractive, but often I don't feel like I am and therefore avoid adult activities). I more easily turn down foods that are bad for me when I have had a workout because I don't want to undo all that sweating. But, exercise is the first thing that gets moved to tomorrow (the eternal tomorrow don't ya know), and is the first thing that I make excuses not to do. Why is this??

How do I get to where Smug-Grandma is? Where working out is not a choice, not an optional activity?

I am a vegetarian. I have been all my life and I never compromise and have just a little something. I know that dairy is not only bad for me and my digestion, but also has a horrible effect on my child and yet, I compromise on that all the time. Have a little cheese ball here and a piece of cake there and before you know it, I am in trouble with stomach pains and a baby who can't breathe from all the mucus in her nose and throat. Every time, I vow that this is the last time and next time I will be strong enough to say no and every time I cave. Why is this? I never cave and eat meat. I never cave and drink caffeine. Where is my resolve and my willpower when it comes to dairy? Don't even get me started on sugar...

My goals for next week are to eat cleanly and to establish a workout routine. I am not working for my sister next week, so I WILL find the time to workout and make high quality meals for myself and my family. I have to do better for own health and well being, but for those I love as well.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

My Girl

It seems that the only time Smug-Baby is still enough for a picture, she is sleeping :)

I love you my girl!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Working Out and Eating Out

I didn’t workout again today. I feel badly about it, but I spent the time I had once I got home from work cooking. I made most of the time consuming components of the meals that I plan on serving this week. I made Scrambled Tofu for my breakfasts the rest of the week, BBQ Tofu, Roasted Veggies, White Bean Soup, and Meatloaf. I will need to make cornbread to go with the soup and a salad to serve with the tofu and veggies, but most of the cooking for the week is complete. While I was doing this cooking, Smug-Baby was mostly content in the backpack or playing on the floor. I had Malt-Shop Oldies playing on the TV (you know, those music only channels with cable or satellite), and we danced together to “Do The Twist”, “Splish, Splash I Was Taking a Bath” and “Jailhouse Rock” to name a very few!! She laughed and danced and wiggled while I did the mashed potato and bounced around the kitchen. While it wasn’t a full 30 minutes of hardcore dance cardio, it was some movement and since I did a long walk with Smug-Grandma too, I am not going to be too hard on myself about it!

Smug-Sister is going to have some light afternoons and I may try to come home for a bit during the day to get some stuff done. I have my spring cleaning chore each day and my workout to try to fit in, so having a little bit of time in the afternoon to knock something out would be great. Also, now with having most of the dinners done for the week, that gives me more time in the evening to get stuff done as well.

I contacted a lady on craigslist about a mini trampoline for $20 and I think that if I can find something cheep like that it will help me do the cardio routine without killing my knees! There is even a whole dance cardio routine that Tracy designed for use with the trampoline so it could be really good.

Tracy’s whole thing is that perfection is possible. While I really like her attitude and her knowledge of anatomy, but I don’t want to be “perfect”, well OK, sure I would love to be perfect, but what is really important to me is being healthy and vital and full of life and feeling great and being able to keep up with my daughter (who is starting to run BTW!!). I want to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror and feel strong! I think that Tracy’s workouts are the way to get where I want to be, but I don’t want to be perfect and I certainly don’t want to have to do the upkeep to stay perfect!! I want to be strong more than anything else!! I want to feel good more than anything else!! I want to see beauty when I look in the mirror!! Nothing more nothing less!!

As for eating out, Smug-Grandma and I went to Isaac’s for lunch today and it was freaking amazing! They have an all you can eat soup and salad lunch and the salad bar is the best one that I have ever seen. The coolest thing was that they went to the trouble of actually cutting up the veggies! You know when you go to a salad bar; they have the large strips or circles of green pepper? Or the whole big rounds of cucumber? You end up spending your time cutting everything up instead of just digging in! Well, Isaac’s has diced cucumber and diced green and red pepper. They have peas and corn and chick peas. They have feta and two other kinds of cheese. They have pasta salad and potato salad, homemade croutons and a wonderful blue cheese vinaigrette dressing. I was really impressed with the colors and variety and presentation of the whole thing! The soups they had were potato feta and lentil and kale. I had the lentil and it was wonderful! Full of chunks of potato and lentils, greens and a delicious broth; I was in heaven!!

The thing that I complain about most is not being able to eat out somewhere and get really good quality food at a reasonable price that allows me to stay mostly vegan (I did partake of the blue cheese dressing). The cost for this huge amount of food is $6.95!! The wait staff was wonderful and attentive and I was really, really impressed. I may have to eat there for lunch everyday!!

I am about to get the baby into bed, wish us luck for another decent night of sleep and wish me luck on getting the upstairs bathroom and our bedroom spring cleaned tomorrow!!

Monday, April 4, 2011

All While She Plays In The Bath

I woke up this morning more sore than I have been in a really long time. It was the kind of sore that keeps you awake! Let me back up to Friday...

Friday after working at work and at Smug-Sister's, I went home and put in the cardio dance video. I bumbled my way through all 30 minutes and was really proud of myself. Smug-Baby spent that 30 minutes tearing apart the spare room; movies in a huge pile on the floor and office supplies strewn from one end of the room to the other. However, she did entertain herself the whole 30 minutes, so that was a score! I attempted to do the muscle workout and got through arms, abs and two sets of one of my legs before she was done and ready for play time. I was not able to get back to finish it because Smug-Hub was really late getting home from work.

That night, I gave the baby a warm bath (which she was so excited about she tried to climb into the tub with her clothes and shoes on) and went through out nightly routine and she was down and out before 9pm. I was totally happy to get to bed with her as I was beat from the week. However, she tossed and turned all night. Wiggling and flipping and moaning and crying out and generally being restless all night long. I got up at one point and changed her diaper and just nursed her all night. I figure that her teeth must have been bothering her. She finally settled down into deep sleep about 2am.

Saturday morning, the alarm went off at 5 and I got up and showered and got packed for the pool. Then I got Smug-Hub up and he showered and we got the last minute stuff for the yard sale packed up and then woke the baby. She was in a really super great mood, which I thought was funny since she hadn't had much sleep. Smug-Hub took off for the yard sale site and Smug-Baby and I went to Weight Watchers for a quick weigh in before meeting him to help set up.

The yard sale site was in my dad's church parking lot and while the sun was out most of the day, the wind was horrible and kept blowing things over. I had stopped for coffee on the way over, so that was good, but I was worried about keeping Smug-Baby out in the wind. We took off for her swimming class and my Dad and Step-Mom met us out there to watch. Smug-Baby started off strong, pulling and pulling until she was in the water, splashing and kicking and having a blast. That lasted about 30 of the 40 minute class, then she was cold and tired and just hung on to me and wanted to be finished. After I got her dressed and warm, she fell asleep in the car for over an hour. I went back to helped with the yard sale, keeping an eye on her in the car.

About 11, it started to spit rain, so we packed up and dropped everything that didn't sell at Goodwill and had Mexican for lunch! We counted the loot and our total profit (which was after $10 for the sale space) was $114.50!! I was pretty happy with that!! After lunch I took Smug-Baby and ran a couple errands and Smug-Hub went to the grocery store. Smug-Baby fell asleep so I took the opportunity to do the complete muscle workout and man or man was that hard!!! You only do about 6 different moves on each leg, but you do all 6 on the first leg before switching to the other and you do 50!!! reps of each move!!!!!! I had to rest a lot!!!

After Smug-Hub got home and Smug-Baby woke up, he took over playing with her and I did the cardio workout for 30 minutes. It was harder then it had been on Friday and after my knees were really hurting. I hadn't worn the same shoes so I'm thinking that may have made a difference. After working out, I wanted to cool down a bit, so I started working on the house cleaning. My thinking was that I would still keep sweating a bit, but cool down from the high intensity workout at the same time. I think that it worked, but I ended up spending the next 2 hours cleaning and doing laundry.

Smug-Hub took the baby and went back to the grocery store for something he had forgotten and then came home and made me dinner while I finished up the housework. It was nice to have the house clean and the laundry almost complete. I took a long hot shower and bathed Smug-Baby at the same time. We were both dog ass tired and when she fell asleep at 8:20, I was perfectly content to take her and go to bed.

About 8:45, she started with the tossing and turning thing again, but this time she fully woke up and wanted to crawl around and play about 11. About midnight Smug-Hub took her into the living room so I could try and sleep, but she wasn't falling back asleep and we switched at 1 and I took her into the living room. At 2:30, she finally fell back asleep and I dragged us back to bed. I slept until about 7, when all the cramped soreness woke me. I just couldn't find a comfortable position! I got up and stretched some and then got down to the business of pancakes!

I was starving and ate like 6 pancakes! I was hoping that Smug-Hub and Smug-Baby would sleep late and I could attempt to workout again or maybe just relax with the remote for a while, but they smelled pancakes and up they got! We had a nice morning, I baked my lemon creme cake and made deviled eggs for my Step-Mom's birthday later and finished up laundry.

Then Smug-Grandma called with an update on Gramps who has declined again and we talked and cried and worried about what to do. I diced potatoes for mashed potatoes while talking to her and we discussed how he was a great war hero reduced to drooling in a wheelchair wearing a diaper and how that wasn't the way he would have wanted to spend his remaining days. We talked later in the evening and she had discovered they have been giving him some drugs that he shouldn't be taking and that may be the cause of his decline. There is a meeting with the doctors tomorrow morning (Monday) to figure out what the F*** is going on there!!

This afternoon was spent visiting with family for Step-Mom's birthday and hanging with our neighbors. Smug-Baby had such a good time playing with her cousin and with the neighbor girls and their dogs. She was walking all over and hardly dropping to crawl at all! it was so cute to watch her interact with the other kids and the animals. She had only had one nap, so I knew that she was going to be tired, but I want to make sure she is really tired. I can't have another night like last night :(

She is playing in the bath now while I type this up, she is splish-splashing and grinning at me over the side of the tub. I have already washed her, so she is just playing until she gets tired of it. It is so cute, when she is ready to get out of the tub, she will pull herself into a standing position, hold her arms out to me and make her "up" sound, which is really only a "p" sound. Then I will grab a towel and wrap her up, pick her up, and she will wrap her whole body around me, head on my shoulder. It is the best part of my day!!

Tomorrow is Monday and I work for Smug-Sister. I need to go to the grocery store and work on cooking food for the week and fit in my workout too. I am so tired from the weekend and the lack of sleep that the thought of starting the week makes me want to cry. There aren't enough hours in the days, days in the week, or time off ever to get everything done...

She is standing up, time to go!!
UPDATE: I'm leaving for work now, but thought I'd document that after her bath she was asleep withint 15 minutes and slept all night, waking only to nurse twice! Thank God! Maybe she is back to sleeping well again!! Happy Monday all!!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Ready, Set, Wait...I Can't Find The Remote!!!

It has arrived! My DVD's from Tracy Anderson!! My only problem now is that I can't find the remote to the DVD player. It has actually been missing for a while, but we have been able to use the DVD player by hitting the play button manually on the machine itself. This is fine, but there isn't a button to use to scroll to the other options on the machine itself and you have to scroll down to play the cardio video on the cardio DVD. I was able to play the first section of the muscle work DVD (day 1-10) and did try some of the moves... when Smug-Baby would let me.

It wasn't scary at all! The moves are simple and the amount of reps is huge!! She also works one leg first all the way through all like 6 moves before moving to the other leg. Smug-Baby doesn't play long on her own so she kept climbing up on me and I would have to stop and attend to her for a few moments until she found something else to occupy her and I would pick back up on the moves. I just wanted to try them out a bit and get feeling a little more comfortable before I start the "real" thing tomorrow.

So, my thinking is this: We currently have a TV and DVD player in the bedroom. We haven't used in since Smug-Baby was born and don't even have cable running to that TV anymore. We want the bedroom to be a quiet, dark, peaceful place where only sleeping happens!! Also, I have just spent all this time cleaning up the downstairs room and it is big and open and had low pile carpet. Smug-Sister is going to take the queen size bed from that room for her new guest room, so that will create even more space. BTW - anyone know of someone getting rid of a twin size bed, let me know!!

I think that I will move the TV and DVD player to the big room downstairs and have that be where I do the workouts. I can split up the cardio and muscle work (each 30 minutes) and maybe even do one before work in the mornings. That would mean getting up 30 minutes earlier, but its only 30 minutes, so it should be fine. Then I only need to find 30 minutes later in the day for the other half of the workout. It will be harder on the days that I work at Smug-Sister's, but I hope that Smug-Baby will play in the exersaucer some and maybe I can do the cardio with her on my back (yikes), maybe not!! I will figure something out. I have to! I am excited about this program and excited about finally being able to work up a sweat. I will find a way!!

The eating plan that comes with the program is not workable for me. It isn't vegetarian. I know that Tracy is a fan of a vegan diet, but I am guessing she created this one with chicken and fish to appeal to more mainstream people. I think that since I am already eating a plant based diet most of the time, I will keep working the Weight Watchers side of the food things and just add this workout to my life first. If, after the first month, I am not seeing results, I will re-evaluate. Her book has a vegan food plan in it, so that is an option if necessary. I am hesitant to do that because while you may need 1/8 cup chopped celery for a recipe, you have to purchase a whole big bunch of celery and it will spoil before you use it again. I don't have that kind of money, so we try this first and see what's what!

I have been adjusting this week to going down in the amount of points I am eating. I had been at 29 points, plus 14 more for nursing points, plus the 49 weekly allowance points. That's 43 to 50 points a day and I wasn't having much in the way of results. So, I had dropped back to just 7 nursing points and I now I am dropping back to no nursing points. I have been trying to use my weekly points as fill in when I go over, but really trying to get used to what 29 points in a day feels like.

I have been eating a lot less bread, pasta and such, sticking to more plant based options. I made a white bean soup that rocked, I made a veggie bake with tofu that was really good, but needed salt and pepper and lastly I made a South Carolina BBQ Tofu dish that really had WAY WAY too much vineger and you have to eat it with a LOT of rice to cut the acid. It wasn't like it was bad, I will just need to adjust that recipe before I make it again!!

I made a tofu scramble for my breakfast this week that has been wonderful! A huge bowl, almost 2 full cups of the stuff is only 3 points!! It is full of veggies and the tofu and veggie sausage give it great protein! I haven't been hungry all week and stayed within my points for whole week. I am hoping for a loss at the scales on Saturday, but not expecting too much!

Friday is going to be a busy day. I am working for Smug-Sister and after I get home I need to clean up the garage so that it is very clear to Smug-Hub what gets loaded into the truck for the yard sale and clean enough to pull the truck into the garage after we load everything so it stays clean and dry overnight. I also need to pack up everything for Smug-Baby's swimming class, set up my workout area and do the day 1 workout. That is a lot to get done between 5 and 7!!

Saturday is going to be hectic too. Probably run by the WW meeting to weigh in quickly, but skip the actual meeting. Go over to the church where we are going to set up the yard sale stuff and help Smug-Hub get that all set up and rocking. Then, at 9 I'll take Smug-Baby to the swimming class, then back to the sale to help finish that up. Pack up at noon and take everything that doesn't sell to Goodwill. Smug-Sister is going to a Scentsy open house and I love the stuff that she has so I want to join her there for a minute. Saturday afternoon I will need to grocery shop, fit in my workout, do the cooking for Sunday's birthday party for my Step-Mother and clean the house for company! I am tried just typing all that!!

Sunday should be nice. Relaxing morning and family party in the afternoon. I will have to do the cooking for the week and do my workout. Oh and laundry! OK, so not totally relaxing, but nice anyway :)

Wish me luck - there are lots of balls in the air here and one mis-step could cause me to drop them all!!