Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My Loss

Tonight we lost our baby. I guess that we really lost her almost as son as we knew she was there, but tonight we were told that we will not be parents in May. I had been bleeding a bit, but since I was feeling such strong morning sickness, we really felt like everything would be OK. It turns out that the hormone that indicates pregnancy dropped from 130 to 37 in two days. 130 is still very low and thus indicates that I had miscarried about 2 weeks ago. My doctor told me that my nausea may be caused by all the trauma that my body was going though.

My doctor called me from her home, on her day off. She had gotten into the computer from home and looked up my results. I really appreciate that. She could have waited until she was back on duty tomorrow morning to check for my results, but she was thinking about me and took the time to let me know as soon as she could.

When she called I was still at work, and I closed by door and cried a while. Then I called Smug-Hub and he came to my office and we held each other for a bit. Then we made our hasty escape to avoid all the well wishers and morning sickness advice. I called my family from the car on the way home and they are, in turn, going to call others so I don't have to. I have turned my phone off and just want to be alone for a while.

When we got home Smug-Hub called his mother. He had been so strong until then, holding me and telling me that it wasn't my fault and that it would be OK. I held him close while he called and told his mother the news. I could feel is body heave and shake with the effort to keep his voice, tears and emotions in check. I held him tighter and wiped away the tears that escaped him.

He is asleep now and I wish so much that I could join him. I took a long hot shower, but am still nauseous. I guess that I need to try to eat something and maybe turn on the TV, get my mind on something else.

My heart and head are having a massive whirlwind of thoughts and emotions right now. I feel angry, sad, relieved to know something definite. I want to try again, and yet never want to try again. How is it possible to feel two things equally that are polar opposites? What would a new pregnancy be? A replacement? I loved THIS baby, I spent hours talking to THIS baby. How is another baby going to be able to fill this empty place in me??

I really do trust God and I know that if this did not happen then it was for the best, but that doesn't really ease this pain.


  1. *Hugs baby*

    Here for you in spirit. I love you and have shoulders for you to lean on.

  2. Smug, I am so sorry for your loss. You and Smug-Hub will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. omg i'm so very VERY sorry. i honestly don't know why these things happen. and you will always love THIS baby...even if you DO have another one. you two will make great parents and i know how hard TTC thoughts are with you. my heart aches for you. ((HUGS))

  4. Giving you guys a big hug, and my deepest condolences. I too just recently started reading your blog, and I'm so very sorry to read about this. All I can say is that yes, you will get through this, and things will all be ok.

    And you have a very wonderful doctor! It was thoughtful of her to call you on her day off.

    You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep posting; we're all here for you.

  5. Please let us know how you are doing. Thinking about you.