Thursday, September 11, 2008

Pregnancy Advice

The following was written by a friend of ours today when we made the announcement today that we were pregnant!

So my little talk with you on the birds and the bees worked. Congratulations. But now that you’ve joined the fraternity of men who have lived or are living with pregnant women, there is much more that you’ll need to learn. Remember that while trying and not succeeding at making a baby is still fun, making a mistake in dealing with a pregnant woman is neither fun nor safe. I’d welcome Mullen and Dan (aka Captain Impregnation) to add their own wisdom to my list. But until they do, Smug-Hub, be sure to memorize and commit to daily life the following (think of this as the stuff you might read if "What to Expect If You’re Expecting" had been written by a man):

1.The tendency of women to be weepy while pregnant is grossly overstated. I’ve known men who were afraid to watch TV or movies with a pregnant woman for fear that she might break into tears over seemingly not sad programming. This is silly. Simply avoid these few genres, and you’ll be ok.
Silent movies
A blank fuzzy screen
A black, turned off screen
The empty box that the TV came in

2. Tell your buddies that your wife is getting big enough to show drive in movies on, and we laugh. Tell your wife that, and she disembowels you.

3. They say a man spends 9 months trying to get out of the womb, and the rest of his life trying to get back into it. Well guess what, that little uertine tenant that Smug-Mama is toting around now owns everything South of the fallopian exits and North of Camp Cervix. Sometime soon, and progressively so as the pregnancy progresses, you’ll come to realize that you are a visitor there. Yes, I’m talking about coital sessions. I can’t say exactly when it dawned on me, but I began to feel that I wasn’t making love, but rather making quick visits in Wombville. There’s daddy, there’s daddy, there’s daddy. Think about it. You’ll get what I mean.

4. As Smug-Mama gets bigger, she’ll eventually lose sight of her feet. If you see her wearing two different shoes, don’t tell her. She’ll just cry. Or hit you. Or both.

5. If Smug-Mama has morning sickness or afternoon sickness or evening sickness or any of the related nauseas related to pregnancy, don’t ask her if she wants a Crisco sandwich, or a tub of butter with a spoon. She won’t like it.

6. Some night you’ll come home to find Smug-Mama eating a pickle, Tang and liver sandwich. If she made one for you, too, just eat it. It makes sense to her hormonally fried sense of taste at that moment, so it’s best that you don’t question it. Just ask Maggie about her weird pregnancy food cravings…

7. Some time soon you’ll have that strange experience of seeing your wife at an OB/GYN visit. I wish I could take credit for this particular mental picture that helped me not get weirded out about a doctor elbow deep, but it was Howie Mandell (pre-Deal or No Deal) who once said that he just tried to think of his wife as a Muppet, and the doctor as Jim Hensen.

8. Right before Smug-Mama gives birth, she’ll go through a short but intense period of activity called Nesting. Doctors say this is nature giving her that last bit of energy to have the home ready. She won’t need that. Trust me, she’ll have altered every stairway, cabinet, electric plug, etc. in your home in preparation for a baby. You’ll have painted, assembled furniture and more to be ready. So what is she to do with the hormonally induced urge to work around the house? I say teach her to tie flies. Or make sure that are pie making ingredients in the house. That way she can keep busy and not waste the moment.

9. As Smug-Mama’s weight and center of gravity shift, you’ll note that her walk changes as well. A pregnant woman’s walk is sort of an amalgam of Fred Sanford and the mummy in black and white horror movies. Even how she sits down changes. Instead of alighting gracefully on a seat, she’ll instead simply aim and drop. Don’t mock either of these, because while the mass under her elastic waistband seems to make her less mobile, if she’s angry enough, she’ll suddenly have the speed of Carl Lewis and the ferocity of a rabid wolverine. Remember that scene in Predator where the alien pulls out the Indian dude’s spine? She’ll do that to you.

10. If you want to be a hero, keep Tums in your nightstand. Trust me, she’ll need them.

11. Start now learning all the Muppets and Sesame Street songs. You’ll need these and more once you’re up rocking a crying baby in the spring. You must also practice moving in three directions at once. To quiet a crying baby, you often need to rotate your torso back and forth, while bouncing up and down and patting the baby’s back all at the same time.

12. If you and Smug-Mama are sitting on the couch watching TV, don’t ask her if you can sit your drink on her belly. It’s practical, I know, but she won’t go for it.


  1. that was funny! thanks for sharing that.

    congratulations!!!!!!!! YAY BABIES!!!


  2. Pretty hilarious!! I'll be filing this away for future reference...