Thursday, May 29, 2008

Family, The Ties That Bind And Gag!

This week has been very emotional for me. It seems that each one of my family members is going through something tough and have come to me as a sounding board, or venting vehicle. I love being there for my family, but to have all of them leaning on me at once is hurting my back :) I can't fix any of their issues and that is really hard for me. I want to help, I want to take their various pains away and I can't.

My husband tries to help me by advising that I should not allow the family to "dump their baggage on me" and I know that he is trying to look out for my best interest and is unhappy with my depressed state, but listening seems to be the only thing I can do to help my family. I can't and won't turn someone away when I can help them, even if it is only by listening. I normally love to hear from my family and discuss the things that are bothering them and helping them talk out solutions. It just all hit at once yesterday.

I was so drained that I just wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep - but I didn't! I went to the gym! I worked out for an hour! I did 30 minutes on the Arc Trainer (Which I totally love BTW!) and then upper body weights. I listened to some kick ass music and got sweaty! I did feel better while working out, got out of my head! I was still emotionally drained however, and did not eat well last night. I have mostly only good foods in my house, but the ease of obtaining crap food is way too easy. I think that I am going to talk to my husband about helping keep me from cheating whenever possible.

I have also come to a new body image idea, which I think is healthy. I am planning on getting pregnant as soon as possible. This means that my body is going to be getting bigger, not smaller. I need to appreciate the body that I have now, and understand that I may never look this good again. I may someday be totally excited about being small enough to fit into the "fat" clothes I wear now. I need to focus on being healthy, and if some weight comes off - great! If not, that's fine too.

The only important thing is being a healthy vessel for growing a new life. If I focus on the baby and wanting to be a good mother then I need to focus on eating the foods that are going to help me be the healthiest I can be. When I start thinking about eating something bad for me, I have to think about the baby. This way, once I actually get pregnant and start craving ice cream all the time - I can give in to those cravings some knowing that I have established good habits for 95% of the time!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


OK, so my last post was very depressing, and that day ended up getting worse before it got better. I will try to sum up...

My brother was in a motorcycle accident a few weeks ago and we needed to go to a follow up doctor appointment. I was going to take him, but Mom wanted to. She calls me to tell me that the doctor would not see him because he could not pay for the visit. Long story shorter, I ended up haling ass over there to pay so he could be seen. This ended up being a really good thing as the doctor was really concerned about the swelling in his knees. I was really upset at my mom for not thinking to call me or otherwise come up with the $60 needed to get him seen.

I then went to lunch with dear Sassy who let me vent about everything and gave me some really good advice and after lunch I felt a ton better about everything!

That evening my husband and I reconnected (hint, hint) and it really helped to make us closer and happier. I guess that making time to be with each other is a really important thing, not just to help make a baby, but to keep our marriage working! I vowed to make sure that we make more time for each other more often from now on!

I have been doing really well on my plans for diet and exercise! I have been to gym twice this week and am going again after work today. I have stuck to my eating goals with only one slip up this week (OK I know it is only Wednesday, but whatever!) I had some apple crisp topping as a late night snack, but I was able to stop myself before eating all the topping off the entire pan! Score!

I did wake up this morning to proof that I am not going to be pregnant this month, so last nights little sugar attack may have had something to do with PMS or something.

OK, I think that is everything important since my last post, basically, while I am still not pregnant, I am focused on eating well, exercising, and spending quality time with my husband. I want to make sure that my body is ready and my marriage is strong, so each month that passes without getting pregnant is just one more month for my body to get healthier!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I am struggling with a major bad mood today. I got upset last night and even though we did not go to bed mad at each other, I woke up in a funk. I am angry and irritable and totally on edge.

Let's start with last night - as you know my husband and I have been having the baby talks and decided to start trying. Well, in the last 3 months of "trying" we have had sex a total of 3 times! Suddenly all the passion has left! When I try to initiate I get turned down because the news is coming on or whatever. We talked last night and feels like the only times I want to have sex is when my temperature indicates that I am "optimal" and I feel very unattractive and unsexy when I get turned down. We talked about everything and laid everything out and basically, he does not want the baby making thing to become a scheduled program where we have to "perform" - I totally understand this and agree in theory.

My problem is that I can't seem to make him understand that this trying to have a baby could take a really long time. He kept saying "we have the rest of our lives..." We don't! I do not want to be on the high risk list and be forced to do all the prenatal testing that is dangerous and if you refuse your insurance may not cover you. I need to be pregnant by the time I am 34 to avoid that. I would like to have more than 1 child, and if I am going to achieve both multiple kids and stay off the high risk list we need to get pregnant like now!

OK, I know that I am a planner, and anal retentive, and all that - but facts are facts - 35 = older mother = high risk

The most frustrating thing for me is that I can't plan it out and make it happen. This is how I approach everything in my life and I can't just "relax, go with the flow" if I had done that, we would not be married and not have our house.

I am angry that I can't make him understand. I am angry that he wants me to stop talking about it when it is the only thing on my mind...ever.... I am angry that I am not able to let this go and put my marriage above my need to get what I want. I am so angry....

I have totally blown my diet this weekend and into this week. I am angry and depressed so I want to "punish" myself by eating crap - I am not even really enjoying the experience. If would be different, if it was a splurge that really meant something, but the new hash browns from Dunkin Donuts are not that good.

I am mad at my husband, I am mad at myself and I am mad at the whole baby situation! I know that when I was late last month he was really excited that we might have been pregnant, so why doesn't he want to take steps to ensure that we have the best chance possible?

Maybe this is just PMS and I will be fine in a few days.... of course that will mean another month closer to the high risk list.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I Am Grateful For....

I am so grateful for Smug-Sister, who supports me and loves me and picks up the slack whenever I need help.

I am grateful for the time that I have been spending with my brother, while I am not sure that this budding of a relationship will hold once he is feeling better, I am just grateful for the time that I have with him now, without expectations for the future.

I am grateful for my husband, who loves me truly and deeply. He is always there to hold me when I need to cry, boost me up when I am feeling low, and carry me when I can't move forward.

I am grateful for my will-power, which is getting stronger everyday. This will-power reminds me why I am depriving myself of mac and cheese, and pound cake. This will-power helps me fight temptation and resist peer pressure.

I am grateful to my body for continuing to lose a little bit each week, so that my motivation does not wane too much. This body that was always done what I asked of it. This body that I have not always treated with respect or done what is in its best interest.

I am grateful for the home that I love, the electricity that I often take for granted. I am grateful for my bills, for without them I would be without many of the creature comforts to which I have grown accustom.

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my deepest feelings, fears, regrets, failings with the Spark People family. I have never felt judged or ridiculed for my feelings.

I am grateful to Weight Watchers, for also never making me feel less about myself. I know that there are people who are trying to lose a lot more weight than I, but I am still given a chance to speak, without anyone telling me that I don't really need to lose anything. I get that a lot from other sources and it is nice to feel accepted.

I am grateful to be on this planet, at this time, able to make a difference. I am grateful for my ability to use re-usable grocery bags, energy efficient light bulbs, environmentally safe cleaning products, and recycle.

I am grateful!