Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I am struggling with a major bad mood today. I got upset last night and even though we did not go to bed mad at each other, I woke up in a funk. I am angry and irritable and totally on edge.

Let's start with last night - as you know my husband and I have been having the baby talks and decided to start trying. Well, in the last 3 months of "trying" we have had sex a total of 3 times! Suddenly all the passion has left! When I try to initiate I get turned down because the news is coming on or whatever. We talked last night and feels like the only times I want to have sex is when my temperature indicates that I am "optimal" and I feel very unattractive and unsexy when I get turned down. We talked about everything and laid everything out and basically, he does not want the baby making thing to become a scheduled program where we have to "perform" - I totally understand this and agree in theory.

My problem is that I can't seem to make him understand that this trying to have a baby could take a really long time. He kept saying "we have the rest of our lives..." We don't! I do not want to be on the high risk list and be forced to do all the prenatal testing that is dangerous and if you refuse your insurance may not cover you. I need to be pregnant by the time I am 34 to avoid that. I would like to have more than 1 child, and if I am going to achieve both multiple kids and stay off the high risk list we need to get pregnant like now!

OK, I know that I am a planner, and anal retentive, and all that - but facts are facts - 35 = older mother = high risk

The most frustrating thing for me is that I can't plan it out and make it happen. This is how I approach everything in my life and I can't just "relax, go with the flow" if I had done that, we would not be married and not have our house.

I am angry that I can't make him understand. I am angry that he wants me to stop talking about it when it is the only thing on my mind...ever.... I am angry that I am not able to let this go and put my marriage above my need to get what I want. I am so angry....

I have totally blown my diet this weekend and into this week. I am angry and depressed so I want to "punish" myself by eating crap - I am not even really enjoying the experience. If would be different, if it was a splurge that really meant something, but the new hash browns from Dunkin Donuts are not that good.

I am mad at my husband, I am mad at myself and I am mad at the whole baby situation! I know that when I was late last month he was really excited that we might have been pregnant, so why doesn't he want to take steps to ensure that we have the best chance possible?

Maybe this is just PMS and I will be fine in a few days.... of course that will mean another month closer to the high risk list.


  1. Awww! Baby, *hugs*. Sorry I haven't been much of a friend in your time of need.

    Cry on my shoulder at lunch today.

  2. i think when we get like this, it really stresses and freaks the guy out... keep the plan in your head, seriously and then don't clue him in on it. lol like you know you're ovulating, but just pounce him one night- don't tell him it's cause you coudl get knocked up.... it's just cause you want him. as much as we, as women, need to feel wanted and sexy, etc... our men need it too.