Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Thoughts

I have been feeling a bit stressed as of late. I guess trying to adjust to my new life of working more is hard and taking care of two babies is hard. But I knew it was going to be hard, I knew it would be an adjustment and I know, even when I am really struggling, that it will be great and it's the right thing to do.

However, as the holiday's approached this year, I wanted to be really excited about it. I wanted to savor every moment and every new experience that Smug-Baby would have. I really wanted to, but I wasn't. I was stressing over how to pay for everything that I wanted to get for her and all my family. I was stressing over how to get everything purchased with my limited time. I stressed over getting to the grocery store and fighting crowds everywhere. I felt like I was in a bad mood most of the time and I wasn't enjoying anything.

All that changed yesterday. I unexpectedly had a free day! I left the office to find that my friend's baby was sick and had (possibly) exposed Smug-Baby, Smug-Hub and myself to something (possibly) contagious. I called Smug-Sister and gave her the option of not having me and my baby come and (possibly) infect her family right before Christmas and she decided that she had a light day and she would be fine without my help.

So, there I was with a free day. The world was my oyster, I could do anything! As it happened, Smug-Hub was also off work (a whole other story and don't even get me started on that!!) So, we both had some last minute things to pick up and then we met downtown for lunch.

The street and sidewalks were full of people shopping and on their way to lunch and that song with the line "It's Christmas time in the city" kept playing in my head as we walked over to the Thai place for lunch. Smug-Baby spent the whole meal entertaining the other patrons and staff. The food was good and Smug-Hub was also in a great mood.

I ran a few more places to get things that I needed and came home to bake some cookies for my friend who was heading out of town in the evening. I was pulling some cookies from the oven and I could smell the wonderful sugary smell filling the house. I could hear Smug-Baby and her daddy having a cooing conversation has they played in the living room. A Christmas special was on the TV in the background and my heart was full to bursting with love and Christmas spirit! I felt like, this moment, right here was THE moment, the perfect moment of love and happiness.

I had to run to the grocery store and take something to my sister and as I was whizzing through the store, I realized that my face was feeling a little sore. I checked myself in the freezer door I happened to be passing and discovered the source of the soreness - I could not stop smiling! I was smiling at all the people stopping to make faces at Smug-Baby. I was smiling at the folks working hard to restock the shelves. I was making jokes with the customer who thought getting Red Velvet cupcakes would be better than eating the whole cake by herself. I was laughing with the cashier who carded me for some wine (I'm 34 so that never happens anymore).

I was/am really happy. Really excited for all the cooking that I need to do today and preparing for the cooking that will need to be done tomorrow. I am no longer dreading how I'm going to find the time to do all the wrapping. I am filled with Christmas spirit and love for my dear friends and family. I am finally feeling the excitement that I was trying to pretend I was feeling.

I guess I have let go of that need to savor all the firsts and am now just enjoying all the moments be they firsts or not.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

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