Tuesday, December 2, 2008

2008 The Year of Pain and Loss

Yet another couple of blows have landed squarely on my head in the last few weeks. I am looking very forward to 2009, because the last 8 months of 2008 has sucked ass!

First, my mother has started dating someone! Wonderful right? She has been single since she finally broke free of the obsessive relationship with her second husband. Well, it is that second husband with whom she has started dating again. This relationship was damaging for her, him, my dad, us kids, everyone! You see, my mom's second husband also happens to be my dad's step-brother... can you say "redneck family??" My extended family was put into major turmoil as loyalties were split and everyone was upset.

Mom was more vocal to us kids about the ups and mostly the downs in her relationship. Watching her crying on the bathroom floor because of some fight was traumatic for her children to watch, but then they would get back together or work it out and us kids were left with this pain and anger with no where to go.

I have since realized that I don't have to be effected my her relationship this time around as I was last time. I am not in the same house and I have told her that I don't want to hear about anything, good or bad regarding her relationship. I am coming to peace with her decision to revisit this relationship and just trying to have faith that I will be able to roll with any punches that may come my way.

Secondly, my husband and Smug-Sister currently are vary unhappy with each other and I am stuck dead center in the middle.

Yesterday, Smug-Sister was in a bad mood. I am not sure why, and it doesn't really matter. Bottom line she started an e-mail string about getting together with family on Christmas and Christmas Eve and while I basically told her that we would work around her schedule since she has both her child and her boyfriend's child who have to see their other parents too. She then started to rail on me that I didn't have children and I had no idea how hard it was to schedule everything and basically seemed to be yelling at me for not being flexible, when I had told her we would work around her schedule.

Smug-Hub and my step-mother were on this e-mail, and Smug-Hub took huge offence. He sent an e-mail in which he told me that I should stand up for myself and not let her run all over me, he called her thick-headed. He was very angry and accidentally sent the e-mail to her instead of to me. She then e-mails back that she will have Christmas with mom and dad on her own.

I only see all this when I get back from the monthly safety meeting, so I reply to both of them telling Smug-Sister that I was hurt by her e-mail but that I did not think that she meant to hurt anyone and telling Smug-Hub that I was grateful that he felt the need to rush to my defense, but that his e-mail was also hurtful.

I suggested that they talk and work this out between them and fix it so Christmas would still be a family affair. Smug-Sister replied that she had no interest in talking with Smug-Hub and she was tired of holding her tongue where he was concerned. He replied to her that she was selfish in thinking that her e-mail telling me that I had no idea what it was like to have children was a slap in the face seeing as we had just lost our baby and how much we want to be parents.

I have used Smug-Sister as a sounding board at times when Smug-Hub has upset me, Smug-Sister has been left with that same feeling us kids were when Mom and her second husband would get back together, anger with no place to put it. She wants Smug-Hub to be perfect, because she loves me so much and wants me to be happy all the time. I know that she knows that Smug-Hub is not perfect, and I am not perfect, but it is hard to deal with all the same.

Smug-Hub loves Smug-Sister's son so much and it just kills him to see her taking her role as a mother for granted. While he understands that she is doing the best parenting job that she can, he wants to be father so much that it colors his feelings and makes him overly judgmental.

The thing is both my husband and Smug-Sister love me and I just hope that they both love me enough to talk and try to fix this. This is the first Christmas that we have been in our new house and I have been looking so forward to having everyone over. I have been excited about Christmas since like October! I will never get another chance to have this first Christmas in our first house, I don't want it ruined! I want it to be perfect!

I spent most of yesterday crying and or wanting to throw up, but I ended up just going to bed and tossing and turning with bad dreams all night.

I did nothing wrong, but I am the one being hurt the most. I hope that they love me enough...

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