Thursday, January 3, 2013

Flat Iron

"Have you ever straightened your hair?" she asked. It took me a moment to realize that the lady at the mall kiosk was talking to me. Not only is my hair stick straight, I was walking along with a baby strapped to my chest and my arms full of shopping bags, purse and diaper bag. Once she had my attention, she guided me to a chair and started combing through my hair almost before I realized what was happening. Then she ran the flat iron through a section of hair and demonstrated how soft and shinny my hair instantly was. She showed me several curl options and showed me how even vigorous brushing wouldn't deflate the curl. Then she asked me if I wanted to buy it for $120!!!!!!! After my gasp of shock, she offered some additional items, like 5 free styles and free shampoo and dropping the price to $90. I walked away and didn't purchase it, mostly because I didn't have a credit card on me! I wanted that flat iron!!! I wanted it bad!!!

Why? Why would I want a flat iron when I rarely style my hair? I am lucky if I get a shower and I never have time to blow dry and would never have time to add another step of straightening my already straight hair. So why was I wanting to buy it so much?

I think that I really liked the idea of feeling good about myself again and I am really anxious to look in the mirror with something other than disgust! I don't feel good about myself, my face, my body - nothing! I have had two babies and they are my focus and I don't have issue with that. I am staying home with them and not going out in public much and I don't have an issue with that. I don't go out without my children and my Ergo is a featured part of my wardrobe and I don't have an issue with that either. But I don't feel good about myself either! It's been MANY years since any member of the opposite sex has taken a second look and years since I was carded at the grocery store and I feel like I look old and flabby and very unattractive.

That flat iron wasn't just a flat iron, it was a chance to look better and feel better about myself and it was a chance to recapture my womanhood and be less of the puke covered mommy I have become.

Why can't a mommy be a good full time mom and still be a woman too? Is there really not time in the day for both? I haven't found it.

I made a conscious choice to be mommy for now and put woman on the back burner, but now I am wondering if that wasn't the best choice. Is there a way to fit in both time for my kids and time to start feeling better about myself?

I realized that my husband has also noticed my lack of self awareness. I don't feel like a woman and a wife, I only feel like a mommy. I realized that he needs to help me reclaim some of the wife I left behind more than 3 years ago. He needs to help me take 30-60 minutes each day to workout. He can give me this time to help me lose the flab and start to feel stronger and fitter and more like my old self.

There is a mental component to exercise and while I think it's fine and even preferable to put my family first, I need what exercise gives me. I don't need a flat iron, I need my self-esteem back, I need my womanhood back, I need ME back.

Happy New Year to everyone and happy new beginnings to me!

Here is to a healthy, fit and overall happy 2013!!

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