Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Long Time!

Here I sit, in Starbucks... alone... for the first time in as long as I can remember. I am without my children and I have been applying for jobs :)

It has been a year since I was laid off and finally, the money has run out and we are facing the possibility of bankruptcy. I kept thinking that God would provide and something would present itself... I would be shown the way! Well, it hasn't and all the "leads" that I have thought would pan out haven't. It is time to be more proactive and think about ways to earn money that I haven't thought about yet. So, here I am applying for positions with the local fitness clubs and Starbucks and food service and everything else I can think of. I want to work the same hours that I used to work when I was with my old company. I loved having those hours in the adult world and I loved the bond that was created between Smug-Baby and Smug-Hub from their time together.

I am willing to do almost anything to avoid either returning to work full time or filing bankruptcy. Full time work would mean putting both kids in daycare and that just makes me sick! I want to raise my own children and I will scrub toilets if I have to in order to keep being their primary care giver.

The plan is to spend the next few weeks leaving the house in the mornings more and more often to get everyone in the family used to mama not being there, so that when I do get a job, it won't be traumatic for anyone. In all honesty, I am probably the only one who will have any real issues with this new chapter. I do have a complex that life can't work without me there to manage it :)

I think that I was grieving for my old job and my old company for a long time. I was holding out hope that they would call and want me back and I guess I still hope that. I loved my job and my co-workers and the hours and the fact that I'd been there forever and met my husband there. It was my home and my family and it still hurts not to belong anymore.

I also think that I was holding onto this notion that we would be fine on one income and frankly it is baffling to me that we can't! We don't have a huge mortgage and in fact, pay less than a lot of people pay in rent! We don't have expensive cars, we don't buy diapers or wipes or formula or pay for daycare. We don't leave lights on outside at night, water the yard or wash the cars. We don't go to clubs, concerts, movies or even out to eat often! How is it that every bill we have keeps going up - food, gas, insurance, electricity, etc.!?!?!

Or well, I guess I was just hoping that something would drop into my lap that would be the perfect thing. You know, like God was sending me something and I just needed to be open to it. Well, that didn't really work and now we are in a world of hurt and I need to find something to do to bring in money... fast!!

In addition to applying for every morning job I can think of, I am having time to myself. I didn't realize how much I needed a few moments to gather my thoughts. I need to write down/blog about my life and get things off my chest and with the little ones wanting to "help" mommy type, it isn't possible. However, having this quiet time in the morning has been rejuvenating to my soul and I have been more patient and loving with my sweet babies.

Wish me luck! The Wal-Mart web page just finally loaded so I'm off to apply for a deli position - I could make cakes and chicken salad at 5am!! Until tomorrow Blog-land!

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