Friday, June 13, 2008


Grief is a selfish emotion. You are not grieving that someone has died, you know that they are at peace, out of pain, and moving on. You are grieving for yourself. You are grieving the loss of a friend, someone that you loved.

I cry less each day, so I assume that I am coming to terms with the passing of my Me-Me. I still am not sure that my mind believes that she is gone. I keep pushing the fact that I will never hear her little whistle or play cards with her again out of my mind.

I am anxious to get back to my "normal" life, as if that will make it all go away. Like doing normal, everyday things will make this past week just a really bad dream or something. I am looking forward to getting my homework done, working out, grocery shopping, etc. Generally restoring order to my battered up life.

I have this strange feeling that I will be pregnant very soon. Not sure if it was all the aunts talking about it this week, or the decision my husband and I made to name our daughter after both our grandmothers, or something else. I don't think that I am pregnant yet, but I really think that it will be soon. My husband seems to be thinking along the same lines, as he has been talking about getting a second job and worrying about money more lately. He says that soon he is going to be the sole income and wants to be able to take care of his family.

My husband is so cute and so sweet. He has stopped wearing underwear. He read something about underwear causing lower sperm count, so he stopped wearing them. He wears boxers. I find this to be the sweetest thing ever.

I have stopped taking my temperature. It was making me crazy, and I was doing nothing but thinking about my body, my cycle, my "optimum" time, and so on. I just have to let go, and let it happen. This is very hard for me, but I am going to try to go with the flow. My child is out there waiting to come into this world, waiting for me to get my shit together and chill.

Loss and new life somehow seem to go hand in hand, and I am looking forward to telling my daughter about her namesake!

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie....the more you relax about Baby M...the sooner she will get here!