Today, The Day I Have Been Waiting For

Today we see the doctor for the first time and we have the first ultrasound. I am very anxious to see the baby and perhaps hear the heartbeat. Mostly, I am looking for the doctor to tell us that the baby is strong, healthy, whole and developing correctly, right on schedule. I want to hear that everything is normal and fine and there are no problems. I know that even with this reassurance that things could still go wrong, but I know that this visit will put my mind at great ease.

This weekend was horrible! Actually, Saturday was OK. I did a bike ride with Dad and then did some yard sales with Mom until I was totally beat. I ate and took a nap and ate again and then I was able to shower and get the house straightened up just a bit and then I rested the remainder of the day.

Sunday, I got out of bed long enough to eat and then went back to bed. I felt horrible all day and I could not get out of it. I did manage to get all the laundry done, but that was it - totally it! I wanted to get together with Sassy and kept waiting for the horrible to pass, but it never did.

Today has been almost as bad so far. I know that not getting good sleep affects how badly I feel and my husband did not come to bed until 2:45, a whole hour before the alarm goes off for me. I was not really able to get back to sleep and as a result, I have felt like dog poo all morning. I still have 5 hours and 20 minutes until I can leave work for the doctor, so I have to keep moving along and hope that I can keep eating every few hours and keep all that food down.

I feel like the barf is right there, waiting in the wings and it could spring to center stage any second, without warning. I know that is gross, but its the truth.

I am slightly angry with my dear husband. He feels so helpless and keeps asking what he can do to help me feel better and the only thing that I have asked of him is that he come to bed by midnight, so I will be in a deep sleep and thus will not wake up and be awake all night long. He seems unable to do this.

I had a long and cutting conversation with him in my head while driving to work this morning, and have pretty much decided not to go with that version verbatim, but I do need to express to him how important sleep is to keeping the morning sickness under control and ask him to love me and the baby enough to put us first.

This mornings thoughts including calling him lots of names and accusing him of being selfish and not ready to be a father if he can't think about others at all. I thought about telling him how bad the lack of sleep is for himself and how if he does not even love himself enough to attempt to take care of him, how can I expect him to give a crap about me or his child. I was really pissed, I hate feeling like crap and knowing that it might not have been as bad if he had done as I asked.

I also asked him to fold the last load of laundry and he did not do that either.