Feeling Excited

Here I sit, in what is quickly becoming "my spot" at Starbucks, working on some applications, dealing with some emails and working on my newest project. I am feeling really excited at the prospect of helping a friend and it is getting all my business admin. juices flowing and I am feeling happy to have something besides laundry to focus on. I love the idea of helping a business succeed, especially when I feel so strongly about the service they provide!

I am talking about Shining Star Family Center in Roanoke, VA. They offer a wide variety of classes for children and adults, ranging from baby ballet and adult yoga to homeschooling academics and bible study. Most of the classes are $5 to join and are taught by fabulous instructors who are dedicated to helping provide quality instruction at a fair price.

I love that my daughter can be introduced to ballet and tap and jazz and maybe tumbling and gymnastics in the future all at a price that I can afford. She isn't a focused student, all into technique at this point, she is 3 after all; however I do want her exposed to all that these classes offer. She isn't just learning about tapping, she is learning to listen, follow the instructor and follow the rules as well as learning about music and rhythm and the movement of her body. She is learning that being physical in life is important and fun.

They are going to offer a more structured class this summer for her age group that will focus on learning colors, numbers, letters, and basic writing. This is like what she would be learning in pre-school, except that she is in a comfortable environment with instructors and assistants that she already knows. This class will teach through play and I will be able to be as involved as Smug-Baby needs me to be until she is ready to be on her own without me.

I have been giving a lot of thought to her upcoming education. Starting with kindergarten and working back, I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to make sure she is ready, both emotionally as well as academically when she starts full time school in 2015.

I was home-schooled and there are a lot of aspects of that style of education that appeal to me, but there are also things about my youth that I would like to change for my children, so I spend a lot of time thinking about what is best for them, what we can make happen for them and so on. This parenting stuff isn't for the weak I tell ya!!!

Lifestyles of the Poor and Sleepless

Smug-Baby is not sleeping these days. She is 3 and should be sleeping I think!!!! She will often have weeks at a time where she sleeps in her own bed all night or comes into our bed and goes right back to sleep and sleeps soundly. But then, there are weeks like the last few, where she is up for hours and hours, tossing and turning and unable to go back to sleep.

Last night, she went to sleep at 7:15pm, in her own bed and slept 6 hours before coming into our bed a little after 1:00am. She proceeded to toss and turn, whisper to herself, lay across the foot of the bed, lay with her feet on the pillow, try to hold her sleeping brother's hand, pet his face and talk to me, until after 4:00am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then, Smug-Hub took her (crying, mind you) back to her own bed and she ended up falling back asleep there sometime between 4 and 5. I had had it with her!!! I kept telling her that if she couldn't go to sleep, she needed to go back to her own room and let momma sleep, and she would lay there, quietly for a good long time, like 20-40 minutes, before tossing and turning again. I haven't been back to sleep since 1:16am this morning and I am ready to die!!! How is it possible for her to lay there for so many hours without falling asleep?!?!?!?

How am I supposed to get/keep/go to a job at 5 or 5:30 in the morning and function with 3-4 hours of sleep?!?!?!? I have been sleep deprived for years now and I keep wondering when I am going to reach the breaking point and lose my mind for real!

I love the idea of the family bed and I love those mornings of snugging all together and everyone is warm and squishy and cuddled up together and I don't want Smug-Baby to feel like everyone is welcome in the big bed except her, but something has to change. Frankly, I have no ideas on what to do here, because she does sleep well some nights and those tend to be the nights Little-Smug is teething and he is tossing and turning and restless. Or they both are sleeping great and Smug-Hub forgets to put on his mask or has it on, but it squeaks and wakes everyone. I can't win and I am seriously thinking that I want to run away and get a hotel room and sleep all by myself for a week!!!! Not seriously, since Little-Smug still needs to nurse at night, but as God is my witness, as soon as he weans, I am taking some Advil PM and locking myself in my room!!!!

In other news, I am still getting phone calls from all the people we owe money to and they are so confusing! It's like they think I might be kidding with them and keep offering me things, like lowering the payment from $340 to $250, like I might have that lying around! Then one guy asked if I was thinking about bankruptcy and when I told him that I guessed it would have to be an option at some point, he asked if I would like him to turn my account over to their bankruptcy department. When I asked him what that meant, he said that since I had told him I was thinking about bankruptcy, they had another department who might be able to help me more. What the heck does that mean?

I haven't heard back on ANY of the applications I have submitted - not one!! I just can't believe that there isn't something out there and I am feeling very defeated at the moment. Not that I could work a job in this sleep deprived state of madness!!

OK, end the post on a good note.... My husband picked flowers from a friend's rose bush for me last night. Just because he loves me and thought I would like them. So, I guess life is pretty good after all :)

Long Time!

Here I sit, in Starbucks... alone... for the first time in as long as I can remember. I am without my children and I have been applying for jobs :)

It has been a year since I was laid off and finally, the money has run out and we are facing the possibility of bankruptcy. I kept thinking that God would provide and something would present itself... I would be shown the way! Well, it hasn't and all the "leads" that I have thought would pan out haven't. It is time to be more proactive and think about ways to earn money that I haven't thought about yet. So, here I am applying for positions with the local fitness clubs and Starbucks and food service and everything else I can think of. I want to work the same hours that I used to work when I was with my old company. I loved having those hours in the adult world and I loved the bond that was created between Smug-Baby and Smug-Hub from their time together.

I am willing to do almost anything to avoid either returning to work full time or filing bankruptcy. Full time work would mean putting both kids in daycare and that just makes me sick! I want to raise my own children and I will scrub toilets if I have to in order to keep being their primary care giver.

The plan is to spend the next few weeks leaving the house in the mornings more and more often to get everyone in the family used to mama not being there, so that when I do get a job, it won't be traumatic for anyone. In all honesty, I am probably the only one who will have any real issues with this new chapter. I do have a complex that life can't work without me there to manage it :)

I think that I was grieving for my old job and my old company for a long time. I was holding out hope that they would call and want me back and I guess I still hope that. I loved my job and my co-workers and the hours and the fact that I'd been there forever and met my husband there. It was my home and my family and it still hurts not to belong anymore.

I also think that I was holding onto this notion that we would be fine on one income and frankly it is baffling to me that we can't! We don't have a huge mortgage and in fact, pay less than a lot of people pay in rent! We don't have expensive cars, we don't buy diapers or wipes or formula or pay for daycare. We don't leave lights on outside at night, water the yard or wash the cars. We don't go to clubs, concerts, movies or even out to eat often! How is it that every bill we have keeps going up - food, gas, insurance, electricity, etc.!?!?!

Or well, I guess I was just hoping that something would drop into my lap that would be the perfect thing. You know, like God was sending me something and I just needed to be open to it. Well, that didn't really work and now we are in a world of hurt and I need to find something to do to bring in money... fast!!

In addition to applying for every morning job I can think of, I am having time to myself. I didn't realize how much I needed a few moments to gather my thoughts. I need to write down/blog about my life and get things off my chest and with the little ones wanting to "help" mommy type, it isn't possible. However, having this quiet time in the morning has been rejuvenating to my soul and I have been more patient and loving with my sweet babies.

Wish me luck! The Wal-Mart web page just finally loaded so I'm off to apply for a deli position - I could make cakes and chicken salad at 5am!! Until tomorrow Blog-land!

Flat Iron

"Have you ever straightened your hair?" she asked. It took me a moment to realize that the lady at the mall kiosk was talking to me. Not only is my hair stick straight, I was walking along with a baby strapped to my chest and my arms full of shopping bags, purse and diaper bag. Once she had my attention, she guided me to a chair and started combing through my hair almost before I realized what was happening. Then she ran the flat iron through a section of hair and demonstrated how soft and shinny my hair instantly was. She showed me several curl options and showed me how even vigorous brushing wouldn't deflate the curl. Then she asked me if I wanted to buy it for $120!!!!!!! After my gasp of shock, she offered some additional items, like 5 free styles and free shampoo and dropping the price to $90. I walked away and didn't purchase it, mostly because I didn't have a credit card on me! I wanted that flat iron!!! I wanted it bad!!!

Why? Why would I want a flat iron when I rarely style my hair? I am lucky if I get a shower and I never have time to blow dry and would never have time to add another step of straightening my already straight hair. So why was I wanting to buy it so much?

I think that I really liked the idea of feeling good about myself again and I am really anxious to look in the mirror with something other than disgust! I don't feel good about myself, my face, my body - nothing! I have had two babies and they are my focus and I don't have issue with that. I am staying home with them and not going out in public much and I don't have an issue with that. I don't go out without my children and my Ergo is a featured part of my wardrobe and I don't have an issue with that either. But I don't feel good about myself either! It's been MANY years since any member of the opposite sex has taken a second look and years since I was carded at the grocery store and I feel like I look old and flabby and very unattractive.

That flat iron wasn't just a flat iron, it was a chance to look better and feel better about myself and it was a chance to recapture my womanhood and be less of the puke covered mommy I have become.

Why can't a mommy be a good full time mom and still be a woman too? Is there really not time in the day for both? I haven't found it.

I made a conscious choice to be mommy for now and put woman on the back burner, but now I am wondering if that wasn't the best choice. Is there a way to fit in both time for my kids and time to start feeling better about myself?

I realized that my husband has also noticed my lack of self awareness. I don't feel like a woman and a wife, I only feel like a mommy. I realized that he needs to help me reclaim some of the wife I left behind more than 3 years ago. He needs to help me take 30-60 minutes each day to workout. He can give me this time to help me lose the flab and start to feel stronger and fitter and more like my old self.

There is a mental component to exercise and while I think it's fine and even preferable to put my family first, I need what exercise gives me. I don't need a flat iron, I need my self-esteem back, I need my womanhood back, I need ME back.

Happy New Year to everyone and happy new beginnings to me!

Here is to a healthy, fit and overall happy 2013!!

Gentle Discipline

I have been reading (as much reading as I can do with a 110% full life) about gentle discipline and I really think that the concepts make a lot of sense, however I had been struggling with the execution. A lot of the ideas that I have come across are for older children and not a two-year old. The basic point is to do away with the punitive consequences without becoming permissive of "bad" behavior.

It was a lot harder when I was keeping my niece, because I think I was simply way outnumbered and Smug-Baby had to share me with everyone. It has been easier since I am down to just one child in addition to my own. I think that doing away with all the time-outs has really helped and I'm not really sure why. Also, trying to take some deep breath's and remember that I am the adult and she is the child and if she is having a meltdown, then there is something going on in her little world.

I haven't had a screaming meltdown of my own in a long time :)

I have been trying to read a chapter each evening just to help keep the principles and ideals fresh in my head. I have found that by asking Smug-Baby how she is feeling helps her to calm down. Sometimes, she can't put it into words and responds when I try to help her by telling her that she is feeling frustrated or sad or disappointed.

The whole basis of gentle discipline is kindness and firmness. Being firm in what I expect of her but done in a kind way. As an example, the other afternoon, she woke from her nap and told me she was hungry. I gave her a few options for lunch and she choose a scrambled egg. By the time I had the egg on the plate for her, she had decided that she wanted french toast instead. I explained that I had made her the egg like she had asked and she needed to eat that. She cried and threw the plate on the floor. Without getting angry (and I really wasn't mad, I didn't need to hide my anger) I told her that I was sorry that she had changed her mind, but she had to eat the eggs and I picked them up on and put them back on the plate for her. I would have made her pick them up, but she was hysterical and I didn't think it was the time for that lesson. Over the next several hours, she would come to me asking for food and I would give her the eggs.

At one point, she was crying but said she would eat the eggs, however, as she started to eat them, she started gagging and choking and spitting them all over the floor along with her water cup. I did give her the dish towel and had her clean up the water, while I picked up the spit out eggs and tossed them. I cuddled her until she finished crying and was calm, then I put her in front of the eggs again. She refused to eat them.

Finally, as I was prepping dinner, she climbed up to the table and ate most of the eggs. Without comment, without crying. While she was eating them, I heated up french toast (she had been asking for them all day) and as she finished the eggs, I laid the toast in front of her and she ate that too. I hugged her and kissed her and told her I was proud of her for eating the eggs and thanked her for not wasting food.

I never got mad, yelled, jerked her around or anything like that. And, I really wasn't mad, it wasn't like I needed to count to 10 or anything, I was totally calm and in control the whole time. It was like I knew that this was a pivotal lesson for her and my whole job was to make sure that she learned it the way I wanted her to. I didn't want to let her think that she was getting to me, or that she could get her way with enough crying, and that really helped in keeping myself calm. It was stressful and a long, unhappy afternoon and I wouldn't want to do it every day, but it was a success in the end.

My children need to trust me and know that I mean what I say. They need to trust me, and if they can't trust me to not lie to them about little things and that I will follow through when I say something, how will they trust me with the big things that they will face in their lives? That kind of trust starts now, when they are very small.

I try never to yell at Smug-Baby, because I want her to know that a yell from me is very serious, like don't run out into the road serious. I don't want her to learn to tune me out because I yell all the time. I want her to know that there are rules that must be followed, so I have to follow them myself. So, now, I only eat on the couch when she is sleeping :)

My children are not just children, they are future adults and they need to know how to behave, how to treat others and most importantly what is acceptable treatment for them to receive from others. That's my job!

 

Flying Low

Maybe it's just that people with small children aren't supposed to have sparkling clean homes, but I have really been feeling discouraged this week. I am kept jumping almost all day long just to keep up with the daily "have to do's" and I am not anywhere closer to fitting in even one 15 minutes zone cleaning session each day or anything physical each day.

When I set the timer and start trying to organize something like my bathroom drawers, Smug-Baby wants to "help" and ends up dumping out everything I have just gotten straight, or she has a mental melt-down and I have to hold and rock her until she is feeling herself again, or Little-Smug wants to nurse or is tired of playing in his swing or is unhappy being worn because I'm not moving around enough.

I downloaded some workout videos, abs, butt, and chest, to my phone, each one takes less than 10 minutes and isn't too complex. Except, when I start doing push-ups, Smug-Baby climbs onto my back. When I start doing bridge lifts (for the butt) she lies across my chest and when I start doing crunches, she starts to cry and needs me to hold her hand. Its almost like she can sense that I am going to do something for myself and since that would make me happy, she has to put an end to it.

The treadmill is downstairs and the only time that I have to run or walk is in the early mornings before Smug-Hub leaves for work. This means getting up before everyone else after not getting a good nights sleep because Little-Smug is waking to nurse 10+ times in the night, Smug-Baby comes into our room at some point and that wakes me up and Smug-Hub stays up late and when he comes to bed, that wakes me up too. Not to mention, Smug-Baby kicks sometimes and Smug-Hub snores!!

OK, so I have to get up early, by 6:00am at least, say I do that, I still have to get downstairs without waking anyone. Currently, Little-Smug doesn't like to sleep unless my boob is smashed into his face, so within 15 minutes of my getting out of bed, he's up. This would be fine, except that Smug-Hub sleeps like the dead and wouldn't wake up if the poor boy were crying! The crying would, however, wake Smug-Baby and then she would be in a crap-tastic mood all morning!

I actually speak from experience on this! Smug-Hub would have to get up (and stay up, which is the bigger issue) to be available for the kids and he doesn't seem capable of this.

Now, for the bright side; in about 18 short months, my son will be to the stage my daughter is now. She is currently playing on her own for longer stretches that allow me time for tasks not focused completely on her. When my son also reaches this stage in his development, and my daughter is even more self-sufficient, then I will have a lot more time to devote to my home and myself.

18 months isn't that long a time and do I really want to spend this very short, little baby time in my son's life on a cleaning routine? The dirt will still be there waiting for me when he is a bit older. My body will still have the ability to get back into shape.

Other good news? I am really getting comfortable with my morning, afternoon and evening routines that keep the clutter at bay and the cockroaches out of my kitchen. The house looks mostly decent, if not deeply clean, we have clean clothes, clean dishes and a clean place to bathe.

So, I am still flying, I am still going to keep up with my daily tasks and keep my house clutter free (mostly) and fairly clean. I am still going to keep my eyes and mind open to any spaces of free time that present themselves to dig into a deeper task that needs doing. But the change comes in my mindset. I choose to have a less than pristine home. I choose to have a flabby body. I choose to spend this amazing, fleeting time while my children are very small soaking up their newness, bathing in their development and floating in their love.

My Son

When Smug-Baby was born, I posted almost daily about her progress and monthly updates of what she was doing and any milestones for that month. Here it is, the day before my son turns 5 months old and I haven't posted even one month about him and how he is doing and growing.

I'm ashamed! I swore I wouldn't be the typical parent who takes thousands of pictures of the first child and none of the second. I wouldn't be the mom who filled up the baby book for the first and didn't even buy one for the second. But that is just what I have become. I'm too busy and too tired and all the other excuses... That being said,

My son is one super amazing kid! He asks so little of me, hardly ever cries and sits happily while I get stuff down around the house. He is currently fighting some mucus and is coughing a bit and has a slightly runny nose. He is also being very fussy the last few days, drooling and chewing on everything, so I feel like teething may be upon us.

He is still sleeping really well at night, waking only to latch on and never is even really awake, just eyes closed, searching for the breast. He rolled over for the first time on September 8th and has started pushing himself around the floor by a mixture of rolling and scooting on his head!

He is such a happy baby and smiles at everyone. He does this little shy guy thing, where he will look at someone, smile and then turn his head into my shoulder like he is shy and flirty. It's totally cute!

He will reach up and grab my face when I lean in for kisses and suck on my cheeks or nose, whatever he can angle into his mouth. When he gets really hungry and I get him latched on to nurse, he will always suck really hard for a few seconds and then pull off to smile at me with love and appreciation. This often results in him getting a face full of squirting milk, but he doesn't care :)