Oh Baby!

Well, it was thrown in my face all day. What you say? Babies! They have been everywhere all day! I went to get a hair cut and one of the girls there was showing off pictures of her new niece. Then a lady at work came to my office to show me pictures of her granddaughter. Every celebrity on the planet is pregnant and a few have already delivered. I dreamed last night that I did not know that I was pregnant until I was seven months along.

I am starting to go out of my mind with babies. I have been on the verge of crying at each one of these baby pictures and I know that people expect me to coo and say how cute they are, but I really want to yell "Get those out of my fucking face! Don't you know you are killing me?"

I think that Smug-Hub understands some of what I am going through, but he is going to force me/us to be logical and realistic about things, and part of me is very glad about that. The other part of me is ready to take his head off. My head and my heart are set squarely at odds on this one. My head knows that I need to get closer to finishing school and get my career lined up. My head knows that I am never going to be OK with daycare and that we have got to be ok without my working in an office full time. My heart really doesn't give a flying fuck!

I always thought that I knew what other women were talking about when they talked about their biological clocks, but this is not just about wanting to have a baby, this is physical need that increases everyday. This has become more pain than want or need. You know how if you slam your finger in the door, you yank until your finger comes free? This feeling is like that, except you can't free the finger and ease the pressure.

I have been trying to ease the pain by spending a lot of time working on plans for getting our finances in order, my body ready, etc. This really does not do anything to help, but it does keep the growing ache from killing me. Doing nothing would make it so much worse.

I don't think that I would be able to deal with it if someone else close to me got pregnant, like a cousin or Smug-Sister. Listening to the girl that sits at the cube outside my office talk non-stop is hard enough. People are asking me every day when Smug-Hub and I are going to start a family, I laugh and tell them "next month." This seems to shock them, "oh, really?" I laugh again and say "we have to get moved into the house first, then we will see." I try to laugh it all off and not let them know how much these comments hurt me. I want to scream at them, but I don't - they obviously have never felt like this or they would not be asking.

We did decide that I will be going off the pill at the end of this pack. That should help me feel more like I am doing something to get ready. I really need to work on getting in shape and eating better. I am so an emotional eater, and I seem to be emotional all the time these days. I have to get my head around the fact that I am going to be housing a little person inside my body for a while soon and I need to be healthy to do it.

Maybe if I can get into a workout routine and focus on the goal, it will help me stick to it and then my deepest desire can come into my life. I can feel her hanging around the fringe's of the world waiting to be my child!