Tuesday, July 28, 2009

12 WEEKS!

We did it! We made it to that crucial 12 week mark, when the chance of miscarriage drops to less than 1%! I am very proud of my little peanut who, by the way, is about 2 1/2 inches long now! She is getting so big!!

I still have miscarriage fears that loom every now and again, like I am not really pregnant, my brain is just fooling me. Or the baby died, but I have not felt any symptoms and when we go to the doctor this week, they can't find anything. I guess that some of these feelings are normal. There is also this crazy part of my brain that thinks that if I can imagine it then it can't happen in real life how I imagined it. So, if I imagine all the bad stuff, then none of that bad stuff can really happen. I know, I'm nuts!

I talked to my soon-to-be-ex OB last night, she called to check on me because I canceled my appointment with her office. It was so nice of her to worry about me and to take the time to call and check on me, that I feel badly about ditching her for another doctor. Not badly enough to not switch, but still...

I did not sleep well last night and yesterday evening was one of the worst in a while. I am really, really not looking forward to going to class tonight and having to be up late. I hope that she lets us out at 9 or so, that way I can get to bed by 10 and will not be quite as miserable tomorrow. Although, on a bright note, one of my classmates e-mailed to let me know that in about 10 hours we will be able to count the remaining nights of class on one hand. I smile pretty big when I think of that!!

OK, so I have this little guilty pleasure. I like to watch General Hospital. I have been watching it most of my life and these people are like friends, not just characters. Anyway, there are two chicks on there right now that are pregnant. They are about 1 and 2 months ahead of me respectively. Anyway, one of them was in a car accident and her baby died. She actually watched the heart monitor show a slower and slower beat until nothing. She had to sit there and watch her baby die and there wasn't anything she could do about it. The chick is a total witch who only got pregnant to trap someone and possibly save her own life, but it was really hard to watch her losing her baby. She had just realized that she loved the baby and he was not just a weapon anymore and then she had to watch him die. I cried and cried - there was not much pleasure in my guilty pleasure yesterday.

I hate hearing about people losing their children. Three of the posts I have read today are about dead or dying children. I want to bury my head in the sand until my baby is here and safe and healthy. I know it is selfish of me not to want to care about the pain of others, but I just can't honestly think about losing this baby now, not in a real context. I am so sorry for the loss others are having to learn to live with and I pray that no one else ever feels like they feel, but I can't read about them and I can't think too much about them. It is just too scary.

1 comment:

  1. How exciting! congratulations! Just had my first, such a wonderful experience. Best of luck to all the other mums out there! If you are thinking of names by the way, check out http://www.bounty.com/babynames/ where you can search names by meaning and origin. My little boy is called Marlow and he is just perfect (although a very hungry and greedy little scamp - hence me being pretty tired). Its all worth it though xx

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