Thursday, September 29, 2011


I know that all things happen in the time in which they are supposed to happen, but I am not very good at letting go and letting God handle it. I like to plan and I like checklists and spreadsheets and to-do lists. Tell me how to make something happen, give me a deadline and watch me beat it every time!!

Except when it comes to having babies. A few months ago, a girlfriend and I were discussing her desire to get pregnant and I said that I felt it was important to make sure that you want to have a baby more than you want air before you have one, because pregnancy is hard, labor is hard, being a parent is hard. You have to want it more than anything or you will suck at it!

A few weeks later, she found out she was pregnant and is currently in the depths of morning sickness and wondering what she has gotten herself into. When she told me she was pregnant, that little twinge that had been niggling at me since I heard that another girlfriend was pregnant, got stronger. A few weeks after that, I heard about a woman from my birthing class was pregnant again, and a woman who's blog I read is also pregnant again. That little twinge became a full on throb!!

Smug-Hub and I had already discussed having another baby and have been trying for a last few months. We didn't want to put off trying because it did take us so long to get Smug-Baby, but we were half-hearted about it. The fears of starting over with pregnancy, nursing, teething, etc. was really hard. But, we knew that we wanted another baby and if we were going to do it, now was about perfect.

So, now it has been a few months and I am feeling that same old feeling like I did when I was trying with Smug-Baby. Like everyone around me is pregnant and other people seem to get pregnant so easily! By accident! Like, not trying!! Why is it so hard for me? I want to realize that I haven't started in like 3 months and just be surprised. But, that's not me. I'm am tracking my ovulation and cycle and keeping track of the best possible days and waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting. The two week wait each month is SOOOO LOOONNNNGGGG!!! It's like the first two weeks go by in a snap and I spend the next hundred years waiting for a chance to pee on a stick.

I just want to be pregnant again. I want to look at my sweet daughter and know that I get to do it all over again!! Just a few more days and I can take the test! Of course, I am feeling a little PMS-y today, so...

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