Late

My girlfriend and I have been discussing the possibilities of having second babies. The pros and cons; how a new baby would change our lives and if we would welcome that change now or in the future or ever. Then I didn’t start my period until 4 days late. During those 4 days of waiting for Aunt Flo, I got to thinking about being pregnant and if I was, would I be happy about it. At first, all I could think about were the negatives; morning sickness, swollen legs, back pain, heartburn. Then I thought about the fact that I am hardly getting any sleep now, if we had another baby I might not sleep ever again! I thought about how hard it was taking all the kids grocery shopping the other day and how hard it would be to corral Smug-Baby while trying to manage another little, tiny baby! I thought about money, how would I continue getting up for work at 4:30 in the morning? How would I take care of a brand new baby, Smug-Baby AND Smug-Niece, not to mention what would Smug-Sister do for childcare while I was on “maternity leave”?

Then, I saw the blood on the tissue and at first I felt shock. I had been trying to get my head around maybe being pregnant and here was proof that I wasn’t. Then I felt relieved, I didn’t want to be pregnant right now and I don’t want to have the choice taken away from Smug-Hub and I in regards to expanding our family. I want to know that a new baby was totally wanted and needed and not in any way a mistake! Then, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I do want to be pregnant again. I am even willing to go though morning sickness again. I want, no, I deserve to have the birth experience that I’ve always dreamed of, where the baby is placed on my chest and takes his/her first breaths in tandem with mine and his/her first sight upon opening his/her eyes is my face and Smug-Hub’s face and now Smug-Baby’s face too. I want to try for a home birth and have a calm, peaceful labor and birth! I deserve that!

All that being said, I stand by my original thought; until you need a baby as much as you need air, you shouldn’t have one, babies are hard work and having two very small children at the same time is just too much for me right now. Most days I am barely keeping my head above water, and I need to get to a place where I am desperate to take on all that a new baby requires. I think I’m close, but not just yet. Ask me again in a month J