Thursday, July 7, 2011


Today is Thursday. Today is day 5 in a row that I have not slept much at night. Last night was the worst I only slept 3 hours and have been awake since 12:30am. I am very tired and sort of twitchy, I couldn't get comfortable even after Smug-Baby finally went back to sleep at about 3:45 and thus didn't even get that last 30 minutes.

I find myself very irritable at everything and everyone and I know that all the things that are bothering me are small, but combining them together and adding the lack of sleep, equals dangerous territory. I was alternating between falling asleep and road rage driving to work this morning and find myself wanting to place blame for everything that is “wrong” in my life on those around me. I feel like if only my house were in better shape, my body were in better shape, I was getting the sleep I needed, the money problems would go away, etc. etc. etc. then everything in my life would be good again.

I know that my husband has his faults, but he is really a super great person and I love him with all my heart, however when I am so tired, I would really like to poke little holes in him with a paring knife! I feel angry at him because he makes things harder at times. He takes his clothes off in the living room and leaves the dirty clothes on the floor for me to pick up rather than taking them to the hamper. He complains about how we need to keep up on the dishes because the ants are back in full force, and then leaves his dinner dished in the sick (not rinsed or anything) overnight and they are waiting for me when I get home from work (at both my jobs). That being said, I could not have asked for a more loving and patient father for my child. I have a really good friend in him, we laugh together and there are many times in our life when we are having the exact same thought at the exact same time. There is so much that is good and wonderful in our marriage and I don’t want to let all these little things add up to something huge that could cost me/us everything we have built together.

I don’t ever really find myself mad at Smug-Baby for not sleeping or for being whinny. I guess that I understand how frustrating it is to not be able to communicate your needs or understand what is being said to you in return. She woke up last night alternating between grabbing her mouth and screaming (she has two new teeth breaking through as we speak) and asking for water. She was so tired and in so much pain that it is impossible to be mad at her for my lack of sleep. I just end up getting mad at everyone else. From Smug-Hub’s snoring, to his employer for not paying him enough to allow me to stay home full time and not work, to my employer for my position requiring me to get up at 4:30 in the morning, to my sister for having a baby that I take care of, to the Republicans for the economy that has our finances so tight we can’t afford for me to stay home full time, and on and on. They get pretty ridiculous when I am so overtired!!

I actually don’t even think that this post is making much sense – maybe you didn’t notice cause my posts are always disjointed and all over the place J

I really am trying to keep my perspective. Smug-Baby has 6 more teeth left until she is finished (until her 6 year molars anyway) so it won’t last forever. Every week I spend with the girls gets better as they learn to play together and share. My sister has agreed to let me take both girls back to my house daily so I can work on getting my house in shape. As the girls do spend more time playing without needing my full attention I will have time for an exercise routine. Smug-Hub and I will both get raises in time and will continue to chip away at the medical bills and credit card debt and things will improve. All the things that I am raging about are temporary and Smug-Hub and I love each other enough to weather any storm.

It’s just today, not able to concentrate, not able to focus, eyes burning that are hard to deal with. There is a perpetual lump on my throat and the tears are being held at bay only by shear will at this point and I know that they will spill forth before the end of the day. But, I will get through this day, this week, this month and things will improve as each hour passes. I have faith… I think.  

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