Friday, April 13, 2012

Mama Work?

As I left the house for work yesterday morning, moving as quietly about the house as possible, I heard my daughter wake. I froze listening to her moving around and her little sounds. I hear her get up and go into the big bed, then she says "mama work?" cries a second or two, and cuddles into Smug-Hub's arms and goes back to sleep.

It broke my heart to leave her then, even though I know that she finds comfort in his arms and was back sleeping. I felt like I should have gone to her, even though she thought I had already left and she was ASLEEP! I know that she loves her daddy and is so excited to see him and asks about him throughout the day. So I know that she finds comfort in his arms when I am not there, however, he is still second best and she finds more comfort from me. She prefers mama and he is just a substitute that she accepts when I am not there for her.

I'm not saying that he isn't good enough, he is, but he is just that - good enough, when I am the best! I don't say this to gloat, I say it because it makes me sad. I am reading all this stuff about child psychology and how important it is to meet the needs of the very young child to help them establish a foundation of trust and love and understanding that they are important and deserve to have their needs met. Here I am hiding in the living room, knowing that my daughter needs my arms to soothe her and yet, I know that I have to go to work and if I went in there, she would be fully awake and be more unhappy when I did have to leave.

I guess the bottom line is, I am really feeling ready for this lay-off to happen so I can stay in bed with her until she is ready to get up. I am ready to stay in bed until I am ready to get up. I am ready for breakfast as a family. I am ready for play time as a family in the morning. I am ready to feel rested during the day and have the patience that I struggle with due to exhaustion. I am ready for the new chapter of our family life. I am ready to meet my son.

I have 2-3 weeks left at work and I am really grateful to have them. We need as many weeks of full paychecks as possible and to spread the severance pay out as long as is possible. I know that 2-3 more weeks is nothing when I have been doing this for years now, but I am still looking forward to being home full time.

I am not really looking forward to my last day with my company though. I am still feeling really sad about not coming back here. This building has been my home for the last almost 11 years and not to come here just doesn't feel right. I will miss all my co-workers so much and having some adult interaction and a way to use my brain a little bit each day. There is a lot about my job that I love and I will miss it terribly.

I do feel like this is for the best and I am ready to be open to the changes that life will bring, but it doesn't mean that change isn't hard. I just keep thinking forward to the morning when Smug-Baby comes into the bedroom and climbs into the bed and cuddles up to me and doesn't have to ask "mama work?" anymore.

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