Issues

I have been having issues. I mean, I think that I may have mental issues! I have been trying to figure it out in my head and the only thing I can come up with is that I have major issues. Here's what I'm talking about...

Smug-Hub's family is in town for a visit. This is the first time his brother has met Smug-Baby and I have no issues what so ever with him or his visiting us. My Mother-in-Law has not seen the baby since she was two weeks old and here is where the issues come into play. I couldn't stop thinking about the NICU and what a rough start Smug-Baby had. I have had dreams about it and been thinking about it all day long while getting ready for my MIL's visit.

It is like I am associating her with that terrible time in our life and somehow thinking about her being here brings all those memories back. Like she is responsible or something. She isn't of course, she was here with us, helping us, helping me through that horrible time. She cooked for us and drove me to the hospital every morning (I was not cleared to drive for two weeks due to my hemorrhaging after delivery). She was supportive and sweet and wonderful! As much as I know she wanted to hold and cuddle and kiss her first grandchild after we finally got home from the hospital, she never pushed me to let her when I was trying to bond and establish nursing. She did everything right and was amazing!! Why then, was I feeling this way? Feeling like she's somehow the bad guy?

As I struggled to think this through, I came to me that it must just be that she was there. She was part of that terrible memory and having her back for a visit, is like bringing back that horrible time. So, I have not been looking forward to her visit. It's terrible to say, but I wasn't. I didn't want to share my baby or have my routine disrupted. I just wanted to think of that NICU time as a bad dream that never really happened.

Here is the thing, now that she is here, everything is totally fine! Smug-Baby has really taken to her uncle and grandma and I haven't thought about the NICU but a few times during this visit. We are making new memories and further burying the old ones. It's not totally gone by any means, and I still get twinges of odd feelings, but for the most part I am totally fine with her being here and not plagued with bad feelings.

This is really a great thing, because I totally won the in-law lottery! My MIL is sweet and kind and loving and I could not have asked for better. To feel like I didn't want her around because she brought back bad memories was/is silly and was hard for me to deal with that as her visit got closer. I knew my feelings had no basis, but they were there. I have these amazing brothers-in-law, who are all just as sweet as their mother. They are fun and kind and variations on Smug-Hub and I love them dearly!

I still think that I have some issues to work through regarding spending two weeks watching my baby struggle to breathe, and my MIL was a big part of that. But, for the most part, I am now able to see my feelings for what they are and not have them directed at a totally innocent person!